Marinik's Blog

Fundraiser update from Armenia

2011-11-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

Hello dearest friends, I'm very happy to be able to share this great news with all of you. With the help of all your great contributions, I was able to make this wish of mine a reality. Your donations reached Armenia, found a great home and now I have received word that the playground for which the funds were to be used for is almost complete. They have sent me some photos of the work in progress and this makes me very happy and grateful for having such amazing and supportive friends and family around me. Thank you all very much!

Let me tell you a little about this organization that I'm very happy to have helped out. When I arrived in Armenia I had two very important goals. One was to have Gagik's ashes spread all around the grounds of Edjmiatsin and the other was to make sure the funds I had collected with the fundraiser reached a worthy cause. The first part went as planned and brought peace to my heart at last... However the donation part was becoming a bit of a challenge. Phone call after phone call to orphanages around the city left me with closed doors. They didn't want me to do anything for the kids, they all just wanted the funds, and because I wanted to be more involved with where the funds were to be spent I wasn't happy about this arrangement.. We've all heard horror stories about donations and the corrupt way in which they are distributed, but we will not get into that now.

Through a friend I met a very humble and kind man Ashot, who is the director at a great international organization that has been providing warmth and comfort to orphans around the world since 1949. SOS Children's Villages and the work they do blew me away... First off when I spoke to Ashot on the phone he said that they are not in need of anything, and that the organization provides for everything... this was a shocker for me. But he would be more than happy if we wanted to spend some time and visit the kids at the village. So this is how these villages work.. A village is built with 5 to 10 homes on the grounds. Each home is assigned a "mother" and an "aunt", the mother must be between the ages of 30 to 45(about), single and without children of her own. Each mother then is given between 4 to 8 kids to care for and raise as her own, they all live in this home as a family unit with the aunt helping out. The children attend public school with the rest of the kids in the neighborhood and have a small sense of normalcy. One of the my favorite things about this organization is that unlike other state orphanages the kids are not kicked out at 18 with no skills, jobs or homes and are forced to fend for themselves with any means possible. SOS organization takes them through their early adult life, still providing a place to live and teaching them a trait of some kind, helping them find jobs etc. This I think is a much better way of sending these kids out into the world to live and better their lives.

Needless to say I fell in love with this organization, the village which is built in the town of Ijevan, nestled in the hills and the staff of wonderful people who have bonded and have created a beautiful family. The kids are mostly brought here after the family abandoned or abused them, each with a very sad story.... But they are all very well taken care of, love their "mothers" and all call Ashot uncle. It was a beautiful family unit we saw and I knew this is where I wanted to contribute. After walking the grounds with Ashot we realized that the kids don't have a playground where they can have fun and release some energy with laughter, as all kids should. And that my friends is exactly what we did.... Now it gives me great joy to know that with each child's laughter on that playground Gagik's spirit will be celebrated. It warms my heart...

Once again all this was made possible by all the generosity you have all shown me.. Words are not enough for me to express my gratitude... May you all find yourselves at one point or another in your lives with such deep satisfaction and inner peace as you have all provided me with...
Thank you my friends!

if anyone is still interested in the cards there are plenty left :)
http://herthirdeye.myshopify.com/

learning as we go..

2011-08-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have not put words down for some time now, not really sure why.... perhaps because I have more on my plate or on my mind I should say then usual, perhaps this "writing your feelings down" thing got a little mundane and unsatisfying as well... like I said I'm not really sure.. But, tonight I guess I feel I have some things to share with those of you who have been with me through this tough journey, and for those still listening.

I recently made a trip to Armenia, where both Gagik and I were born, funny we even come from the same neighborhood but never met till years after we had both moved here... small world. The reason for my journey there was to bring some of his ashes to the Seminary where he had spent some years as a young student. This was not part of the requests he had for us, this was something I wanted to do for him, because every time he spoke of those short 4 years he spent there... he seemed happy and had fond memories from there, so I wanted to bring a part of him back to that happy place...I made this trip with his sister, which I think was very significant for both of us, we shared something very special, and only we knew what this meant to us, how we really felt each step of the way and we each found some peace inside in our own individual way. Glad to have done this, glad to have done it this way and everything turned out perfect... exactly how I had pictured it in my mind time and time again. Even the fundraiser I had in his honer found it's way to the perfect place to make a difference...

I then joined my family for some much needed rest and fun in Greece. But, this trip to Greece didn't only serve as a relaxation retreat or a well spent quality time with my boys, it did a lot more for me... For a few weeks we felt like a "normal" family, and by "normal" I mean not a family dealing with loss, having to question our feelings, or figuring out which stage of grief we were going through. Yes an important member of the family was still missing and he was on my mind constantly, but... we were in a very different place, surrounded by the unfamiliar, a place that didn't have flashes of memories attached to every corner.. And this felt good, it gave us a sense.. as false as it was, but a sense of a different reality, one that didn't belong to us, or the past... if that makes any sense...
As much as I enjoyed that feeling, that lightened load from the pain on my heart... it scared me as well. For several solitary moments I actually visualized moving there, away from everything that was back home, everything that reminded me of the past. It made so much sense to me, I could finally understand why people sometimes wanted a fresh start after certain events in their lives. I even replayed different scenarios in my head of how I would live this life here with my boys next to me, and it seemed like a great idea and a beautiful picture in my head...

But let's face it, the void inside will still be there and so will the pain... so running away from it wont really fix anything, not for long anyways. And as much as I long for the change it's possibly the worse thing for the boys right now. I think the familiar and the routine of their life is what helps them cope with their pain. Speaking of the boys (you all know I don't like discussing their feeling here that much), they are doing ok, I think they will process all this on a different level and at different times in their lives, I don't think they have faced it or dealt with the loss of their father just yet, but they are teen boys and not much on expressing themselves through words. But again being around family, friends and living their lives is whats good for them now.

As for me, I guess I'm doing ok too, it has been 2 years now, I still see his smiling face every time I close my eyes. I sill miss him terribly and still want to share my last thoughts for the day and still long for his warm embrace... Had an anniversary just a couple of days ago, it would have been 19 years of marriage and a great one! On this subject... I have great memories with him, I think I was a good wife and partner and he was happy with me, I'm glad it was me who took care of him till the last days of his life. I feel in peace about that, but as a woman I still feel very much married and still in love with my husband, who.. yes.. is no longer with us but still very much a part of my life...

So... I can't really start over, no rewind button either, no erasing the past... not even sure I'd want to... But what we can do is move forward equipped with all the strength this experience has given us. There is no doubt that loosing him did not change me or the boys. We'll never be the same anymore yes, but we can be so much better... These kind of things are usually called life altering because they really are, some people have a hard time surviving and loose their spirit in the chaos of it all... but I'd like to think and have actually noticed myself that the change that this brought to us made us all that much stronger and more importantly more aware of what matters most in life. That big change we search for requires no relocation... it's already happened within us and it makes no difference where we live or what we see and feel every day... we are already living a different life!

As for Greece... that still remains my happy place and perhaps one day in the future I can call it home...

Love Peace Joy

Project "Postcards for Smiles"

2011-05-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

Dear friends I'm happy to announce that I'm finally able to launch this project. My mind gave birth to the idea a little later than I would have liked but, we still have two months till my trip to Armenia. With all of your support I'm confident that we can make this a successful fundraiser. So here is the idea behind this beautiful project...

I will be bringing my late husbands ashes to Armenia this summer, to Etchmiatsin where he studied as a young boy. I want to honor and remember his kind and happy spirit with some charitable deeds. This is where you come in... I have put together some of my better photographs as greeting cards, I've build an online shop where you can view and purchase these lovely gifts, and also read more about the project.
Please spread the word, share this link with friends and family... with great appreciation and a humble heart, I thank you!

Mari Mansourian
HerThirdEye

http://herthirdeye.myshopify.com/

Love.. Peace.. Joy..

Now is all we have..

2011-01-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

Life teaches us many lessons from the time we come into this world to the very last day we breath. With all the lessons comes great knowledge, experience, regret, foresight, patience and most of all understanding. Some lessons are harder to learn and therefore we face them a few more times than we really want to...

If I've learned anything from the years that are behind me now, is that life.. with all it's beauty and joy can also be a very ugly and painful thing. I've learned that nothing lasts, that all the good and the bad eventually dwindle away and end.. Pure joy and utter pain don't necessarily ever leave but perhaps we just get used to it and become numb as we grow older, and with each experience and lesson we perhaps get tougher, more resilient.. and in the process loose our childish enthusiasm, imagination and curiosity. We accept things with more ease, stop fighting with our inner demons and even take the joyous experiences with a slight smile rather than a hearty laugh..

In my case... we went from having a comfortable, warm and fuzzy life to a harsh, treacherous, painful existence, surrounded by pain and grief. Surviving days with tears and hardship while barely making it through nights with a cold bed, wet pillows and a longing for warmth.. But as time goes by, and even though the pain is still the same... we've gotten used to it, have built an immunity to grief, and are a bit more numb to everything that comes with life.. I see it in my boys and I feel it deep inside of me..

Lessons learned?? Still figuring that part out, but the most important lesson I've learned from all this is, like I said.. nothing last forever, happiness can be lost at a moments time, and sadness eventually leaves as well... So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will say this... all we have left is NOW! Whatever situation we may find ourselves in, that is all we have, so we may as well laugh whole hearted as well as cry from deep within. This very moment will never repeat, and the joy or pain we feel right now is the very essence of being human, of living our lives.. however long that may be. I think by really submerging ourselves deep into this moment we can say that we are human and at the end of our journey, as we look back at all the miles we've walked... we can say that we've lived... and learned... and experienced all that this life had in store for us..

And that is a satisfying feeling...

just another update

2010-10-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hello dear old friends, it's been a long time since I've put any words on these pages. Have not visited any of you at your corners either, I've missed you all and the blogosphere...

I have however been reading some of my old posts in the recent weeks and have realized what a positive and energetic person I was all throughout this horrible time in our lives. Not to say that I'm a negative person at the moment but, my energy levels are depleting and each day is getting more and more challenging to get through. Now you all know I started this blog to open my heart and mind, express myself through this experience and hopefully help others who may be going through a similar chapter in their lives. I'm sure that is exactly why I was able to handle all that happened and this blog really helped me stay sane...

So, with that in mind I think it's time for another update on this grief thing we're going through. I guess the old saying is that "time heals all wounds" and "in time things get easier".... Well I think it would be more accurate to say that it gets worse before it gets any better. Of course it's different for every person, and it's different depending on who you've lost. A loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a sibling, a spouse are not at all the same. The pain and suffering may be on the same level but the aftermath and all that is required to survive each day is an entirely different path.

Since I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any other close loved ones, except grandparents from old age and illness, I can only give you guys a perspective from my point of view... one of a widow, one of a person who has lost a husband and a best friend, as well as one of a mother helping her boys through the loss of their father. Not an easy task, but grief is in no way ever easy regardless of who one looses. In our case, loosing him was needless to say very hard but, what makes it so much harder is when we lost him. Of course one is never ready to lose a loved one and there is no better time for things like this, but perhaps when we lose an older member of the family, it still hurts but we are comforted by the thought that he or she lived a full life, watched their kids grow, had grandchildren, etc.. and in some way we tend to think life has come full circle and it was their time to go.

When we lose a younger person, one who still had so much to live for and so much to see and experience still... then it's more difficult to find peace with this harsh reality. I can't help but think of all that we still had to do together, and all that he still needed to see, and this hurts me a great deal. Now this tragedy couldn't have happened at a worse time in our boys lives too, they are teens heading into manhood, in great need of their father. I can do all that I can, but will never fill his shoe, and that is a fact, a harsh fact of life that we just need to accept and live with. And in this area I think we're doing ok, we are a close family and that is our power against this tough situation.

Life it would seem is not really fair, we say this all the time and most of the time we don't really think about all that this saying means.. In my case, I was very fortunate to have had a great marriage, and yet it was short lived and ended at a time when we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Our boys were getting older and more independent, we were planning on embarking on a new life, we had big plans and were looking forward to more wonderful years together. So much to live for... But once again, it was short lived, and perhaps it was his time to go, I've come to terms with that now and in some way I'm in peace with it. What the challenge is now, is to reboot and come up with a whole new set of dreams and plans that don't include him. This is the hardest part, I still want to live in the past and replay the images on my mind of all the dreams we had for our future. But I can't!

I need to once again find out who I am without him, what I want from life and the paths I want to take. My boys, their happiness and well being is all I can think about. But with the challenges each day I have to face as a single mother, trying to make things better for all of us... it's not an easy task. When you are busy surviving each day, you don't have time to live!

However I am hopeful, I am after all a pessimistic optimist and there are some rays of sunshine in the horizon.. Thanks for lending an ear once again my friends.

peace

the first year without him..

2010-07-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

How do I begin to describe what I'm feeling today?... I don't think it's possible, this day will forever remain the worse day of my life...the day we lost so much. It is a dark day and nothing can be done or said to make this day any different than what it is... We just have to survive through it year after year...
It was a year ago today, at 8:38pm when he took his last breath, it was the last day we saw him.. touched and kissed him, the last day I held his hand and caressed his forehead. This moment in time we will never forget... our world ended, we stopped breathing...
And now, a year has gone by... a long, painful year, filled with so much sadness, endless tears and heartache, and yet somehow we survived that too...

We've learned so much in the past year...
We learned that it takes a lot to brake the human spirit, and that the strength that resides within each of us is more powerful then ever imagined..
We learned that no matter how sad we are, we can still find a smile on our faces..
I learned that love does really survive, it does stay behind and warms the heart forever..
We learned that family is possibly the strongest weapon for any grieving person to have..
I learned that I can learn a few things from my sons about dealing with sadness..
I learned that we don't run out of tears...and that our pillow can quite possibly be the best shoulder at times..
I learned that a brand of coffee at the supermarket can make you weep like a child, as you run as fast as you can out of there..
We learned that there are some people that are on this earth to inspire us, to show us true love and true beauty in life, but that these are the souls that so often leave us so soon..
I learned that every time I look at our boys, I see him and this makes me smile as well as cry..

There is so much that we've learned, felt, experienced and lived the past year. And we are different now, we have changed, adapted and evolved to fit into the new life we have...
A part of me died with him on this day last year.... but a part of me learned to live...
love

his last wish..

2010-06-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

Went down to our favorite little beach hotel in Rosarito Mexico this weekend to put Gag's ashes in the water, just as he had asked. We've made some great memories there in the past with the family, lots of laughs and good times. Perhaps that's why he requested for this just as he did for part of his ashes to be spread by the 3rd hole at his favorite golf course, which we did some time ago.

It felt good to fulfill his last wishes in a way that he would have approved... surrounded by family, with a nice BBQ to follow and a few cold vodka shots.... Many tears were shed by all of us that afternoon, but we had a few laughs as well remembering him and his "full of life" ways...

It was a tough weekend, full of emotions, and yet it was very peaceful and soul satisfying... and I'm so glad we were able to do this before the one year anniversary of his death. I hope now that his last wishes have been fulfilled he has found peace, as it has given us some peace now.

Although this is what he wanted and I am at peace with it...I can't help but feel as though I left a part of my heart behind with his ashes... as they sank into the waves... For us he will always be a part of the water that caresses the sands down in Baja...

Rest in peace my love

feeling broken

2010-06-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

I've stopped writing, not so much because I have nothing to share anymore, but mostly because I've been letting my emotions get the better of me. I wallow a bit, and let it just subside, and perhaps I got tyred of expressing myself deeply, if that makes any sense.

But here I am, once again sulking, drowning in my tears, a day after fathers day.... It was a bad day, and we've had other "special" days that we miss him more than usual, but yesterday was possibly the worse I felt in months. Seeing our boys sitting at dad's grave, looking sad, hurt, somewhat alone and cheated out of life, holding their tears back.... was such a painful thing. What can a mother do to make such a pain go away?... With all that I do for them, all the comforting words, and hugs, with all the love that they get from me and our family, nothing...nothing will ever take away that pain they feel inside. They have been broken as we all have and no matter what we do, we will never be able to put ourselves back just right ever again...

Broken we are..broken we feel..but we must accept this new norm and try to pull it together as much as possible to live...and live fully, for that's what he would want.

love..

nature

2010-05-20T08:58:00.001-07:00

My words fail me lately, so I thought I'd post some images

I've captured recently. Enjoy :)

Appreciate nature...

the human spirit...

2010-05-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

I witnessed something amazing the other day,

I saw the beauty and strength of the human spirit.

This man who has seen 80 years of life zoom by,

who has loved, laughed and cried through those years,

who is now terminally ill and nearing the end of his journey...

Still refuses to fold his hand,

still willing to take a bite out of life and savor every moment of it.

Barely able to walk he wanted to dance, and dance he did....

dominating the dance floor for what seemed a joyful eternity for the wide eyed cheering crowd.

He may have Greek and Armenian blood running through his veins..

But it was the human spirit that is still alive and well deep in his soul that captured my heart....

I am inspired....as we all should be!

LOVE...PEACE...JOY...

a year ago..

2010-04-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

So I realized the other day that April 3rd marked my one year anniversary in the blogosphere. I guess I've been a bit too busy with all that life has thrown my way lately, and missed that day and the opportunity to have an anniversary blog post. Well, it's been almost a month now, so doing a special post to commemorate the year missed it's turn.

However... I feel that perhaps there are a few things I can note about the past year. What a year... I can honestly say-and I have done so in the past- that this corner of mine really did save my sanity in all the darkness we had to endure. When I first started writing here, my husband was fighting the battle with his illness already and in the months that followed, with all the pain and the ugliness that cancer brought to our lives.... we shared many happy moments. There was a lot of love and joy still residing in our home, and I'm so glad that I was able to share those moments with all of you here and in some way writing about all of it eased the experience for me and gave me a place to not only document that time in our lives, but also created a place to look back on. The pages here hold so much love, sadness, pain, joy, beauty... in other words life...our life, the last moments of his life... and no matter how painful it can be for us to flip through these pages at times, it still fills our hearts with joy and warmth... The kind words that all of you gave me also warms my heart, those very words kept me going so many times, on so many days where my strength was running low, you guys gave me strength and hope...and for all of that I am so thankful. This corner of mine shared by all of you DID save my sanity and my life, I am the person still standing here today because of you... because of the love you all showed me..

In fact, as I sit here this windy morning in LA, looking at the photo in front of me on my desk of my husband and I... all the memories we made together are rushing through my head. We have a great many... we did a lot together, saw many things, felt so much, experienced a lifetime together... I am so grateful for that...

Here's whats going through my mind now... let's sit for a moment, get a pen and paper and write down all the things we've done in our lives so far. All the things we are proud of and the things we've done that we are not so proud of, write down all the big and little things we've achieved, the greatness we've shown at times as well as the ugly and bad things we've done. All the beauty we've seen, all that we've felt, all we've experienced... Think about it... how many times do we really sit back and replay our lives in our head... not many. Most of us think back on our lives at the end of the road, on our way out, and hope that it was a full life, one that doesn't give us too many regrets. But what if we can do this on our path, as we are walking it in stead of at the end of it... For one thing, we can see that we have lived so far, that we have had many experiences, good and bad, and that all we've seen and done has brought us here, and for that we should be thankful. However... if the life we see behind us feels empty and unfulfilled... perhaps we can open our eyes and our hearts a bit more, and let life penetrate our days. Perhaps by seeing on paper what we have or have not done yet.. will push us into living a fuller life... and maybe we will be more open to experiencing things that come our way... huh maybe it's time to make a bucket list...

Time to live our lives to the fullest.... so... let's let life penetrate our days...

love...peace...joy...

1915

2010-04-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

THEIR STORIES WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN...

We already had been deported once, in 1915, sent towards Der-Zor. But, my uncle’s friend had connections in the government and he had us ordered back to Izmir. Orders came again that everyone must gather in front of the Armenian church to be deported. My father refused to go and told us not to worry. He didn’t think the Turkish government would do anything to him since he was a government employee himself. Twelve Turkish soldiers and an official came very early the next morning. We were still asleep. They dragged us out in our nightgowns and lined us up against the living room wall. Then the official ordered my father to lie down on the ground… they are, dirty the Turks… very dirty… I can’t say what they did to him. They raped him! Raped! Just like that. Right in front of us. And that official made us watch. He whipped us if we turned away. My mother lost consciousness and fell to the floor. Afterwards, we couldn’t find our father. My mother looked for him frantically. He was in the attic, trying to hang himself. Fortunately, my mother found him before it was too late. My father did eventually kill himself-later, after we escaped.

Kristine Hagopian b. 1906, Smyrna
(MY GRANDMOTHER)

They took us from Hüsenig, to Mezre, to Kharpert to Malatia and then, after a couple of days walk, to the shores of the Euphrates River. It was around noon when we got there and we camped. For a while, we were left alone. Sometime later, Turkish gendarmes came over and grabbed all the boys from 5 to 10 years old. I wasa bout 7 or 8. They grabbed me too. They threw us all into a pile on the sandy beach and started jabbing us with their swords and bayonets. I must’ve been in the center because only one sword got me…nipped my cheek… here, my cheek. But, I couldn’t cry. I was covered with blood from the other bodies on top of me, but I couldn’t cry. If had, I would not be here today.When it was getting dark, my grandmother found me. She picked me up and consoled me. It hurt so much. I was crying and she put me on her shoulder and walked around. Then, some of the other parents came looking for their children. They mostly found dead bodies. The river bank there was very sandy. Some of them dug graves with their bare hands, shallow graves and tried to bury their children in them. Others, just pushed them into the river, they pushed them into the Euphrates. Their little bodies floated away.

Sam Kadorian b. 1907, Hüsenig, Kharpert

There was a girl, a girl whom I had befriended on the road earlier. Her name was Satenig. I remember her very well. She was not too strong. I saw her again in that basement. In the basement of the school where they had thrown us. She was there. She had a little bit of money and she gave it to me. “Don’t let them takeme,” she said. “Don’t let them take me.” They would come around everyday and take whomever was dead or very weak. She was not in good shape, she was very weak. I stood her up and leaned on her. Held her up, so. They came. I was holding her up, leaning her up against the wall. But they saw her and took her… took her…

Edward Bedikian b. 1902, Sepasdia

When the massacres began, I was 12 years old. I remember, they first took all the men of our village and killed them. The rest of us were deported. I don’t know how many hundreds we were. Everyone according to his ability rented a donkey or a horse and we left. We went from Albistan to Zeitun to Marash to Aintab. We camped on a farm behind Aintab College, near some newly dug foundations for houses. They were simply large holes in the ground. You understand? An epidemic had broken out in our caravan and people were dying all around us. They started filling those foundations with their dead bodies. Two, three, four, five bodies on top of each other. From Aintab, orders came that everyone over the age of 12 was to be sent to Der-Zor. A friend of mine and I escaped, but we were caught later and this time they sent us to Bizib and then toward Biredjig. Biredjig is on the shores of the Euphrates. You understand? It is on the other side of the river. We stayed in a khan (an inn) on this side. Caravans would come through there and be sent off toward the desert, hundreds and hundreds of Armenians. We used to see dead, bloated bodies floating in the river.

Bedros Bahadourian b. 1902, Gürün

The crowds were huge in Meskeneh. We were in the middle of a vast sandy area and the Armenians there were from all over, not only from Marash. We had no water and gendarmes would not give us any. There were only two gendarmes for that huge crowd. Just two. Wasn’t there a single man among us who could have killed them? We were going to die anyway. Why did we obey those two gendarmes so sheepishly? The word was that from Meskeneh, we were going to be deported to Der-Zor. My father had brought along a tent that was black on one side and white on the other. Each time gendarmes approached us to send another group to Der-Zor, my father would move the tent. He would pitch it on the other side of the crowd—as far awayas possible. We were constantly moving. He bought us quite a bit of time that way. Eventually, we crossed the Euphrates River to Rakka where we found an abandoned house—with no doors or windows—and we squatted there. But we still had no food. We used to eatgrass. We used to pick grains from animal waste, wash them and then in tin cans frythem to eat. We used to say: “Oh, mommy, if we ever go back to Marash, just give us fried wheat and it will be enough.

Sion Abajian b. 1908, Marash

More eye witness stories .... http://www.genocideproject.net/Home_page.html

I remember YOU..

2010-04-15T00:02:00.000-07:00

I remember nine months ago today you looked into my eyes for the last time..

I remember how the smile on your face never drowned in the pain..

I remember the love in your eyes when you hugged our boys..

I remember the kisses you blew from across the room..

I remember your trembling hands reaching out to me, when you wanted me near..

I remember how you loved our long talks..

I remember when you'd hold my hand as we walked..

I remember your laugh, your smile, and even your mischievous grin..

I remember your tender fingers as they caressed my face..

I remember how you loved to savor each moment..

I remember the smile on your face as you watched our boys play..

I remember how you held them so carefully when they were just babies..

I remember seeing your eyes tear up watching sad movies..

I remember your warm hugs and how you held me tight when I needed comfort..

I remember how you made me laugh and loved it when I smiled..

I remember your sweet kisses that sent butterflies fluttering..

I remember how much we laughed the day we said "I do"..

I remember when you whispered.. "I love you" for the first time..

I remember everything..

I remember YOU..

My heart is yours forever..

I'd choose this path again...

2010-04-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Today is April 11th, this date may mean something special for some, maybe a birthday or anniversary, and for others it's just another number on the calendar. For me though it's not only a special date, one that will always remain in my heart and in my memories, but this date signifies an important turning point in my life. On this date nineteen years ago, I realized that something special was happening, I knew I had found a deep connection with someone, that true love had found me. Nineteen years ago today... I found myself walking on clouds, this was the day we first kissed and the rest as they say is history...

It's funny actually, I don't remember the exact date we met, or of our first date, but I remember this one, this was the day we both realized that we were in love and that our search was over.... We had a nice lunch down at the beach, talked forever sitting on the sand as the sun set, I guess the moment was perfect, and as unromantic of a person as I am, I must admit it was very romantic. I don't think we could wipe the grin off our faces from that day on, and I can't help but smile even now as I think back on that very moment. I am most certainly a fortunate person for having felt that and for having such memories that put a smile on my face...

This may sound very strange, but I've had people ask me if I regret anything in life, and I know exactly what they are asking me, I don't really blame them. We humans are a very curious sort, people want to know exactly what and how I'm feeling deep down, they want to know if this experience, this pain has made me think and wonder about some decisions I've made in my life...
Well, here's the truth of it... I regret nothing, how can I regret a decision that has brought me so much happiness in my life, that has filled it with so much love? Every moment we spent together was full and every memory I have of him gives me warmth and a smile... Would I rather not have known him? Would I rather missed out on all the love and joy and in turn not have all this pain now?... NO... I choose this pain, and I would choose this life over and over again, because it was worth it, he was worth it... The only part of all this that gives me the greatest pain, is seeing our boys grow up without a dad..

But look... we can not look at ourselves as unfortunate people, or that our fate was of such sadness, that the road to our destiny led us to this point, and that life dealt us a bad hand.. No, I tell people all the time who look at us with such sad eyes, and feel sorry for us... I tell them that we are fortunate to have had and loved him, our boys had an amazing father, one that showed them how to be strong men, how to love and live a full life. They have an entire library of memories and examples they can pull from when they need to cross a path in their lives, he will be with them every step of the way, by recalling his actions and the way he lived his life, they too will grow up to be wonderful people, such that he would be proud of... as for me, well I do consider myself fortunate. I could have married someone else yes, and perhaps not have found myself as a widow at 41, but would I have had such a great marriage, such a great life, with so much love?
I doubt that... we were soul mates and as sad as it is to have had such a short run, it warms my heart to know that it was a great run. And believe me this thought never crosses my mind, I never wonder about how or what could have been, and I find it very strange that people actually do ask, perhaps those are the ones who have not found the kind of happiness we have.

Yes that's right we may be hurting, and our souls are a bit broken and we can never really mend those cracks, and the pain will never go away completely either, but his presence in our hearts and minds makes us happy people, so full of life and love...if only we had him just for a bit longer....

I choose this pain over not ever knowing him... I'm glad we kissed that afternoon nineteen years ago sitting on the warm sand, and though my tears flow now as I write .... I would not have had it any other way... I would take this path over and over again...even knowing the outcome, because the journey would be worth it..

love...peace...joy...

LIVE...

2010-03-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

see what's in front of you,
as well as beyond..

listen with your heart...

feel deeply...

smile with your eyes...

speak the truth..

taste with your eyes closed...

touch with your fingertips...

have peace in your mind...

show kindness...

give love...

always with us...

2010-03-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

Hello friends, I've been a bit absent from here...don't feel much like writing lately, too much going on. In case you are wondering, we are doing ok, dealing with the usual ups and downs of this path, of life really...something everyone is faced with through their journey. Little bit of joy, some sadness, a few great moments here and there, sometimes tears of happiness, sometimes of sadness, mix in some love and laughter and that is LIFE in a nutshell...
I'm getting sort of used to the peeks and crashes that roll from one day to the next, I guess us humans adapt to everything eventually, it is what it is.... But I guess that's the beauty of life...what did Forrest Gump say?... "Life is like a box of chocolates"?.... which is not really a bad thing :)

I have to tell you, it's hard letting go of someone so special nor do we want to, or we should.... it's funny I still have his toothbrush next to mine by the sink, see it every morning and every night. Is it the false sense of comfort that I want to feel, is it there still because for that brief second my eyes see it, I can fool myself into thinking that he is still with us?... All his colognes are there still, sitting next to mine on the vanity, collecting dust... The other day I thought I'd clean them up a bit, picked one up and the scent hit my nose and I realized just how much I miss him... had a good cry session for the next hour or so, that's ok too, need that at times...

Should we hang on to a few things that remind us of his presence or absence? Or should we remove everything?.... There is no answer to these questions, these items are still there because they just are... I haven't made an effort to remove them or to leave them be, and whether they are there for our eyes to see or not, makes no difference really... Because he is gone and yet he is still with us, we may not see him or be able to touch him or even feel his presence, but he is there.... he is in our hearts, in our memories, in our words, our thoughts, in the boys faces and their actions as well.... He will always be with us because he is so much a part of who we are...

And after days, weeks, months and years have passed, the toothbrush and the colognes will be gone, the few pieces of his clothes that I've hung on to because they still smell like him, will loose their scent and also be gone... but it's his memory and all the things that made him who he was and is will still remain. He will still be part of our conversations, the spark behind our laughter, the reason for our tears... with us, through us he will live on....
These are the thoughts that help me wipe my tears away and put a smile on my face...

Thanks again for lending an ear...

love...peace...and joy to you my friends

corner view... miniature worlds

2010-03-10T09:18:00.001-08:00

This weeks corner view is "miniature worlds"...
Here is my son's little world of LEGO's
(we had so much fun setting these guys up for their photo shoot :)

stop by Jane's for more corner views

have fun hopping around the world for corner views...

peace

corner view..."street photography"

2010-02-24T07:05:00.000-08:00

This weeks corner view is street photography, so I decided to dig up some old photos from past travels and share with you guys... enjoy and stop by Jane's for more corner views.

street corner, Mexico 1990

near the Opera House, Armenia 2006

country road, Armenia 2006

busy Paris, 2002

a corner view from my window, Rome 1995

enjoy hopping around corner views today :)

love...peace...joy...

who we are today...

2010-02-23T10:51:00.001-08:00

Now I know most of you have thought about this too, must have crossed your mind at one point or another in your lives. Perhaps something small on a given day makes you think of someone in your past, or a situation you are faced with brings back memories of people that have impacted your life in some way. An old friend, someone you loved, an experience you had a long time ago.... a kind word from a loved one, a good bit of advice someone gave you, an acquaintance who is long gone or even a stranger you exchanged some words with....people who have touched your heart or spoke to your soul... some who hold a special place in your heart...

When we do think back and reflect, we see that every one of those people who have come and gone, or are still part of our lives, who we were fortunate to find or come in contact with... all hold a deep connection in our hearts. Some were important stepping stones to the person we are today. And we realize that most of these people, we were meant to cross paths with in order to grow, to learn, to laugh, to cry, to feel, to experience, to hurt, to love, to make us think, to open our eyes.... in other words to create the layers that make up the whole person we are...

This is an ongoing process of this thing called life... it is not over yet by any means, we will still meet people who will touch us, show us something new to discover, share words still not spoken, make us feel things not felt yet.... And our heart will grow ever more to hold more memories, our souls will get deeper, our wisdom stronger.... as the saying goes... "we live and learn"... till the day we close our eyes forever...

We honor those long gone who have touched us, and meant so much to us by thinking of them, by remembering the things we've learned and felt through them, but what of the people that are still with us, or the ones we've lost contact with. I think if any one person has made an impact in our lives, or holds that special place in our hearts... they need to know that in some small way they still live in us, with us, through us. We should tell them.... perhaps today they need to hear it...they need to know that they are special to someone out there, that they put a small brick in the foundation of someones life.... tell them, think of them, thank them, honor them....

So, here's to all that is yet to come, to all the hearts and souls that will touch us and be touched by us.... all that still remains to be learned and seen, to be felt and experienced...all still to look forward to...

love...peace...joy...

if i had a time machine...

2010-02-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

I had a very interesting conversation with the boys some time ago... about who we would want to meet if we had a time machine and could go back in time. They had some interesting input on the subject... Arman, my oldest wants to meet Bob Marley, he loves the music that the man put out. Robert was interesting in meeting Bill Gates when he was a kid...he thought that would be "cool" as he put it...
So, that got me thinking about who I would want to meet from the past and have a conversation with. Here is a short list of people that came to mind...

First person I would go see is my maternal great grandmother, I would love to give her a piece of my mind for abandoning her three little children during the Armenian Genocide, after their father was killed. She ran off with a British soldier just to save her own ass... excuse my French... I mean a mother doesn't do that, so yes I'm pretty sore about that. Actually my father is writing a book about this, so far it's amazing and wow I had no idea my dad had it in him to write so well...anyways I'll let you guys know how that turns out.

Others from the past that I think would be pretty cool to meet would be, Mesrop Mashtots he wrote the Armenian alphabet. I'd love to exchange a few words with Charlie Chaplin, I think he was pretty brilliant. Maybe have a drink or two with Modigliani, go see Beethoven perform. Maybe sit in during one of Plato's philosophical conversations... go get a manicure with Marilyn Manroe, how cool would that be. And I would also like to meet Bob Marley.

I'm sure I could think of so many more amazing people that I'd love to meet, but these are just the few off the top of my head.... So, who would you guys want to meet...tell us will you :)

Have a great day you guys...

love...peace...joy...

corner view..wisdom from an elder..

2010-02-17T09:26:00.001-08:00

Well last week I had a post about my paternal grandfather...and for this week's corner view I would like to share that with you guys... It's very appropriate I think :)
here it is

enjoy visiting other corner views Jane has a whole list..

love...peace...joy...

security...

2010-02-16T15:59:00.000-08:00

I've been contemplating about this post, wondering if I should write it or not. It's a touchy subject, most people don't like talking about it with others, it's the sort of thing that you discuss with close family, if that...But I have shared many deep and intimate issues with all of you, so perhaps this is something that needs to be covered as well...as this too is a part of the path I find myself on right now...

Most of you know from previous posts, about our shop, and I may have mentioned on several occasions that business has been on a steady decline for a couple of years now. This is mostly why I decided to get my culinary degree and possibly do something different. My husband used to think that the industry is slowly dying and it was time to venture out into a different one. Well since his death, now seven months ago.. things have been going worse at the shop, I've tried with many failed attempts to keep it afloat, but it would seem that it's a very heavy, fast sinking ship. I haven't given up on it yet, he invested so much of his life in this place and I want to do all I can to keep it going, even if it means getting into more and more dept, I owe him and our hard working employees that much... So, we'll see..I have a few more projects to give the business a new life with and I hope these wont fail miserably as the others did.

Let me get to my point here without putting any of you to sleep... What I want to talk about here today is the subject of money, of possibly better and smarter thinking about your future and the future of your loved ones. Now, mind you we didn't throw money on senseless things nor did we save, the business needed a constant reinvestment of our funds and we worked hard to establish something that could grow and be our security blanket for our future and our children's future as well...not a very smart strategy I know...but hey that was us and to a certain extent we had a pretty modest yet comfortable life...But life as it seems is never safe, there are no guarantees, none of us really have a secure future if you think about it... But I think there is one sure way we can at least do something for our families that may give them some sort of a security blanket in the future...after we are gone... If you don't already have life insurance, please get it now, as soon as possible, it is probably the best investment you can make in your life...
Now..I know what you are thinking.... yes...no amount of money can replace your loved one, but let me tell you, what is worse than grieving for the loss of someone so important in your life, is going through this grief with the stress and burden of financial hardship. It makes for a very difficult situation... Now I'm not writing this so you can worry about me, or feel sorry or pity me. That is not me, I refuse to be pitied or to feel weak, nor would I ever give up hope. I have an amazing family that supports me in every way possible, and I do have faith in myself, I know that I will get through this as well, and as my husband used to say... this too shall pass...I just want you guys to think about it, ask yourselves this question..."If I'm gone tomorrow, how will my family live, are they secure enough to at least get through the hard times?".... Just something to think about...

On that note, today I invested in my children's future and the future of their children... Life is not safe, we don't know what awaits us tomorrow or the next day... So, yes..we live each day as if it's our last, we love fully, laugh a lot and give joy to our loved ones...and in the process we also need to give them a warm blanket for when they will need it most.... We live and learn, and hopefully correct the mistakes we've made in the years past...

love...peace...and joy...

a life worth laughing about...

2010-02-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

I found myself thinking of my paternal grandfather the other day, what a happy, full of life kind of man he was... Actually I have been very fortunate to have had both sets of my grandparents around growing up, all beautiful people...so much I have learned from them...

For some reason my thoughts took me back to the day he passed away many years ago, I was in my teens back then. What I remember most about that day, as we rushed over there after receiving a phone call from my grandmother that morning saying that he had flown away... was all the happy memories we shared and the amount of laughing we did that day. As a young girl I thought it very strange... that having had just lost a man we all loved so much, a man who had given us so much joy throughout our lives... we should be sad and hurting.... But instead as we sat there for hours that day with family around, and with all the tears we shed..we laughed more that day then on so many happier occasions... We remembered his happy character, and all the funny things he did just to make us all laugh.... He was a very kind man, loving, patient, loved animals, he was a Veterinarian, he also had an amazing talent with building things out of metal. The sound of him working in his shed, as he pounded the hot metal into shapes still rings in my ears and gives me that warm feeling you get with certain memories from your childhood. He was also very much in love with my grandmother...who was a very free spirited woman that loved to sing and when she smiled with her round, pink cheeks it brightened my grandfathers face.... Perhaps that is where we learn how to love, when we see it at our young age in it's raw form.... and there is much we learn as children by observing our surroundings...

I think young souls benefit so much from spending time with the older generation, their stories and experiences shared are life long lessons that stay with us in our hearts. Each memory I think back on touches my soul and the love that's there is so solid. All our children should be as lucky to have that sweet time with their grandparents, it really does enrich our lives...

Now, as an adult when I think back to that day, I understand more than ever why we laughed so much even though our hearts were in pain.... This man had seen much sorrow and pain in his life, lost family at a young age during the Armenian Genocide, had gone through much hardship in his adult life, but still smiled and laughed every opportunity he had...and also brought much joy to everyone around him. That was him... it was the whole of his life... that is what he had left us with...
A simple man, yet in our eyes and hearts a man of greatness... After all isn't that how we all want to be remembered? We should strive to live this way, give joy and love to others as well as find it within ourselves... I would consider myself very lucky if on the day I fly away...my family will have so much to laugh about.
As hard as things have been, loosing my husband, especially with the circumstances...him being so young and the illness that consumed him in the end... with all the pain we feel, we have laughed a lot still, much happiness was left behind by him too. In his very short life, he was able to do that which many people fail at in their entire lives. He captured many hearts with his love for all things and the joy he spread will live on in so many souls....

A life worth living and in the end worth laughing about...

Spread love and joy...

corner view "sweets"..

2010-02-03T06:46:00.000-08:00

This weeks corner view is "sweets".... Well...for a person with a major sweet tooth and who loves to bake just to have that smell all over the house...it's kind of hard to narrow it down to just one or two favorites.. but nothing comes close to a warm, gooey, melt in your mouth feel of a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie.... hot out of the oven...mmmmm
It's the ultimate comfort sweet for me.

Now I'm not a big candy person, but there is something I just have to have when I get the craving for, especially at the movies, and that's Red Vines ( a licorice string), it's absolute junk I know but I just love the taste and its chewiness...gotta have it...

Stop by Jane's for more corner views... enjoy!

love...peace...joy...

the unstable path...

2010-02-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

This ever changing path I'm walking, this journey that lays ahead is proving to be more and more challenging. It has so far been the most difficult part of my life, it has been the greatest test of my strength and abilities. And as hard as I try most of the time with the greatest of efforts to stay on course and keep my head above water... I still find myself falling harder and deeper at times.

Now, I've accepted the fact that this is really not a simple problem for which there are a few simple solutions that I can apply to and resolve. There are several aspects and challenges that require my attention and strength.... There is the shop, which has been on a slow decline for the past three years and as much as I want to devote all my time and efforts to reinventing and rebuilding business.. for the time being I feel crippled and unable to do all I can to keep it afloat. When your heart is bleeding and you are not a complete person it's very difficult to put your best foot forward, as hard as you might try... My attention is also very much needed in helping the boys through this journey as well, my 13 year old is a very sensitive child and needs allot of care and one on one time to which I always give my full attention. My 16 year old is growing fast, is starting to venture out on his own a bit more, and as much as I want him to enjoy life and all the experiences that he needs to go through at this age... It also worries me...as this is an age where trouble can happen, especially when he also is in a very vulnerable state. There is allot of hurt and anger deep down and I don't want that to be the cause of him taking the wrong path along the way.

I'm doing my best to handle all that is on my "plate" at this time and try to do it with love and a positive outlook. And yes... in a way all these things keep my mind occupied and off of all the pain inside. The little creative things I try to do with the little time that I have during the day...with the blog and the 365 Flickr group, as well as keeping up with friends on Facebook....is also a great way of keeping myself "busy"... But I wonder if all this keeping busy and occupied thing is really a good thing, let me explain...

You keep your mind saturated all day with the little and big things that require your attention, just to not deal with the emotional storm that's brewing deep down...and this keeps you going most of the day, and at night you still stay busy till the very moment your eyes give in, because you're just so tired of crying yourself to sleep each night... And days give into nights and weeks pass... as you start feeling good about yourself, and think that you may actually have a hold on this situation and perhaps have a false sense of control... You have yet another meltdown... where you find yourself weeping in the car in front of you kids, on the way home from a family night at the movies...because that reminds you of how this was his favorite thing to do....
Or you completely fall apart at a friends wedding, the happiest day of their lives...as you sit there and watch them start their new life together...your mind replays the beautiful moments you had on your wedding day... and you throw yourself out the door, looking for a dark corner to run to so people don't witness this pure and utter destruction... And at that very moment you realize that all the progress you think you've made over the past few months and everything you thought you had a handle on... you actually don't....
And...you're back to square one... feeling like you have not accomplished anything... and that you have no control of this situation.... That grief actually has a hold on you, and you feel powerless against it...so you give in once again and hope that when you open your eyes in the morning...the little things that give you joy will resurface and help you put yourself back together...

The cycle begins again... but at least each time you start over you hope that you've learned something new that you can apply this time around, you learn that no matter what you do to avoid dealing with the war inside... it is still there and needs your attention just as much as all the other things. And you need to spend time and face this pain inside and perhaps nurture it, give it your full attention...but not dwell on it too much...because when you do turn your attention inward, the pain is overwhelming and can consume you if you let it...however avoiding it completely is not a wise thing either as it will no doubt keep brewing till one day it boils over leaving you in a worst state then before...

The path continues... ever more unstable...ever more rocky... yet I'm still hopeful and have faith in myself...we will come out of this...

peace..

corner view "favorite hangout"

2010-01-28T08:46:00.000-08:00

I know it's Thursday and I'm a day late on this post, but I really wanted to join Christina for the "simple things" day in the blogosphere yesterday... so better late than never right?

Here is my corner view.... "favorite hangout"...
Well I'm a bit of a homebody lately... grief with it's many stages and faces doesn't always agree with social situations and crowds. And even though I have ventured out on several occasions, I have to say for the moment home is my favorite hangout...

my morning coffee as the rising sun warms my skin..

my late nights curled up on the bed surfing the blogosphere

my sunrises..

my sunsets....

and my kitchen where I bake to comfort my soul....

Yes home... for me really is where the heart is at the moment...

Stop by Jane's for more corner views...

love...peace..joy...

simple things..

2010-01-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

It's time again for the simple things... Christina over at Soul Aperture is hosting it and this time for a really good cause, for every blogger that participates her family will donate a $1.00 to doctors without borders for Haiti relief. What a noble idea, doesn't surprise me...she has a heart of gold and a soul that soars miles high... Thank you Christina, love you :)

So here is my list of the simple things that make my soul sing each day...

sunlight as it changes through the day..
peaceful moments..
a stranger's smile as they pass you by..
the scent of nature..
shadows as they dance on the walls..
memories that warm my heart and make me smile..
a good laugh with my boys..
movie nights all cuddled on the sofa..
walking through isles at the bookstore..
the boys gravitating to the kitchen as I cook..
long conversations with a good friend..
five extra minutes of sleep in the morning..
my 16 year old blowing me a kiss as I drop him off at school..
the colors and textures on oil paintings..
and a few kind words exchanged amongst strangers..

Please play along today...and stop to appreciate the simple things in your lives..
Stop by at Christina's for more simple things

love...peace...joy...

please let her know if you are playing along so that she can link your page as well :)

love..

2010-01-22T09:23:00.000-08:00

I wasn't brave enough to post this here, so instead I shared my deep thoughts on facebook with family and friends a few days ago. Not that I haven't poured my heart out on these pages in the past, but somehow this felt too personal and intimate. However I realized that all you lovely blog friends who have been so supportive and have given me so much love and strength needed to hear this too, so I want to share these thoughts and this powerful message today about .....

LOVE...

ok... i admit i miss my husband like crazy... i feel lost without him...

perhaps an intimate photo..yes, one that i'm not sure i feel comfortable sharing here... BUT... i want you all to see my pain, i want you to feel it deep in the crevasses of your souls, because then and only then will you understand and embrace my message. this message that i want to scream at the top of my lungs, these words that i share with you today as my tears roll down my cheeks and as the pain in my heart cripples me...

PLEASE...DO NOT WASTE A MINUTE OF YOUR LIFE, OF YOUR LOVE, OF YOUR SEARCH FOR LOVE! DO NOT MISS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A KISS, OF AN EMBRACE, OF A FEW WORDS THAT COULD MEAN SO MUCH... DO NOT LET MOMENTS, DAYS AND YEARS GO BY WITHOUT LOVE...THOSE FORTUNATE TO HAVE IT...HANG ON TO IT, NURTURE IT, FEED IT, LET IT LINGER IN YOU MOUTH, YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL... THOSE IN SEARCH OF IT... DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE...

let this image and these words penetrate the depth of you hearts, don't forget them, let these be the reminder everyday that a life without love isn't much of a life...

what we had together was priceless... it was so deep...so solid...so real...and now that he's gone...all i have left is the LOVE and the memories... these memories that are my heaven and my hell, my pain and my relief, my joy and my sorrow...but they are real...they are mine...and they are all that's left of our love, and these memories are what give me the strength to live on, and be the solid pillar of love and hope for my boys...

think of these words today...live and love fully

love...peace...love...

corner view... our style

2010-01-20T00:05:00.000-08:00

this weeks corner view is about what we wear...
our style...

well here I am my friends...

with cowboy boots and chucks...
warm woven hats on my head...
soft scarves that wrap around my neck...
dangle charm bracelets...peace and love everywhere...
Buddha around my neck with a good luck key...
sunglasses to hide my tears at times...

hope you enjoyed, stop by Jane's for more corner views

love...peace...joy...

look for it...

2010-01-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

yes, it's raining...

it's wet, dark and gloomy...

and still...

we manage to find beauty....

and comfort on this day....

we should...
we must...

look for it...
find it...
embrace it...
enjoy it...!

love...peace...joy...

six word saturday..

2010-01-16T12:09:00.001-08:00

BREAKFAST MADE BY MY SON....PRICELESS!!

hosted by Cate at Show My Face

love...peace...joy...

rant...nothing to rave about...

2010-01-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what "stage" of grief I'm in right now... it's all kinda blurry at the moment, but anger comes to mind... I'm not angry at Gag for jumping off the ride so early, or God, or life in general... but I'm just pissed off on some days... It's a good thing I'm not taking it out on the kids or my loved ones around (though my brother would perhaps say otherwise :)... but my anger seems to be directed at random things and people....like when my stupid remote doesn't do what I want it to do only to find out later that I was pushing the wrong button...wow. And since I don't have a punching bag or anyone around I can punch or any plates I can brake (like some therapists have prescribed to people in my shoes..) I've decided to let off some steam here, some of you have a "rant and rave" day on your blogs... but no "rave" subjects come to mind at the moment..

So... let the ranting begin...

First I'd like to announce that drivers in LA become morons on rainy days and on Sundays... (ok..so maybe I fall in that category at times too). What pisses me off is when you give someone the right of way... there is no thank you wave to follow at their end...or when they cut you off there is not even a sorry look on their faces. Oh and one of my favorites, don't you just love it when you are in a bit of a rush and somehow you always end up behind the person that has decided not to drive faster then 5 miles per hour...Ok, but this one is easy, I just yell out some obscenities or give em the old flip of the finger...anger taken care of...steam let out...

On to the next rant... why is it that people are in such a hurry at the supermarket while they are shopping but take forever to pay at the check stand... they decide to go deep into their huge bags fishing for the exact change... just get on with it already!...makes me want to (punch them in the face) give them the damn change... see you can't just flip them off, it's not that easy when you're standing right next to them, trying to not look bothered...(although I'm sure I've falling in this category too at one point or another).... whatever!

Moving on...PEOPLE!!!! when you are picking up your kids at school...there is a line of cars with eager parents all there to pick up their kids too, what makes you think that you can just cut everyone off to get to the front of the line then wait for your kid who by the way is still way over there chatting with his friends... is it really gonna make that much of a difference if you get to your child 2 minutes later?? does it make you the better parent for being in such a hurry?? I mean what are people ON these days?... geeese! The line is moving forward just fine... be patient and you'll get to pick up you son or daughter eventually, no..they will not end up stuck in school for the rest of the day and just in case you were wondering no one will give you a medal for getting to him/her first... ok enough about that! Rant point well made... (hmmm trying to think if I've ever done that before... I may have... oh boy am I in this category too?)

Ok, last one I promise... I think we should include Banking Transactions-101 as part of the curriculum in high school... because people seem to think that everyone loves standing in line forever at the bank. Some idiots chat on the phone or text while in line, then start filling out their deposit slip when they get to the window... MORON! How about you get your transaction ready before you get to the window... huh, there's a brilliant concept! Thank goodness for the merchant line, though it seems whenever you're in a rush, just want to get in and out... you end up with the teller who seems to be more interested in the way her hair looks...(constantly pulling her scrunchy off and tying it back on..) instead of your transaction... huh what's the screening process anyways when banks hire tellers...hmm..ok now I'm getting too mean...well at least I don't think I fall in this category...whew I was beginning to think this anger was directed at myself...hmmm

Anyways...I feel much better now :) Hope you all had a good laugh on my account...go ahead I don't mind, as long as you don't cut me off on the road... we're good.

Oh and feel free to rant about stuff in the comment box, go ahead let it all out.

love...peace...joy... and a good rant session at times

corner view "holiday"

2010-01-13T00:02:00.000-08:00

"Holiday" means something different for each of us, the word itself can be used with different meanings... a favorite holiday, a celebration of things, perhaps a travel to a far away place...

As I thought about today's post and the topic of this weeks "corner view", the word holiday meant a warm and special feeling I had in my heart... To me it means a visit to a friends home and the surprise of a home made treat all tied in a pretty ribbon to take home with me... warmth...love...

stop by Jane's corner for more corner views, glad I finally got to play along.

love...peace...joy...

LET'S EAT!!

2010-01-11T00:10:00.000-08:00

When we talk about "fresh" food...right away we think of vegetables, fruits, a nice fresh tossed salad.... simple ingredients prepared in the simplest way, and as good for us it is to eat veggies and fruits, it gets challenging in the winter months... who wants a cold salad?...when the weather is cold we crave more hearty, warm and comforting foods. So, with our "fresh" theme today...seeing as how we are still in the winter and most of you live in pretty cold areas.... the dish I'm going to share with you today is a little bit of both, it has simple ingredients, packed with nutrition, plenty of veggies and is served warm to satisfy that hearty warmth that we seek in the winter. (Although here in LA, the weather's been pretty nice and warm.)

warm lentil salad with balsamic dressing

1 cup brown lentils cooked**
4 tbsp olive oil
1 small onion, sliced ( I prefer red onion here)
4 celery stalks, sliced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 zucchinis, trimmed and diced
1 cup of green beans, cut into short lengths
1/2 red bell pepper, seeded and diced
1/2 yellow bell pepper, seeded and diced
1 tsp Dijon mustard
1tbsp balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper
cilantro (optional)

** Rinse and drain lentils, in a medium pot cover lentils with plenty of cold water and bring to boil. Boil for about 10 min, then simmer for another 15-20 min, till they are tender but still have a bit of a bite. (I throw a bay leaf in the pot, gives it more flavor) Drain and move to a large bowl, set aside.

*In the mean time prep the veggies.

*Heat oil in pan, add the onions and celery first, saute for 2-3 min, till soft but not browned. Stir in the garlic, zucchinis, and green beans and cook for another 2-3 minutes.

*Add the bell peppers and saute for another couple of minutes.

*Stir in the mustard and balsamic vinegar and mix well with the vegetables.

*Pour the warm vegetables over the lentils, toss to mix well, season with salt and pepper, I like to add some fresh cut cilantro at the end too, ( nothing says fresh like fresh herbs). Serve warm with some crusty bread.

I hope you guys enjoy this recipe as much as we have and decide to play along, just let us know here, so we can stop by your corner and see what's cooking as well.

Enjoy!!

love...peace...joy...

LET'S EAT... coming up

2010-01-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

Just a quick reminder... our next LET'S EAT day is next Monday the 11th, the theme this time is "fresh". Hope you guys play along, start looking for recipes to share :)

Have a great weekend everyone, looking forward to it.

love...peace...joy...

right foot forward...

2010-01-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

This was the first sunrise of the year and of the new decade we entered. I sat in my balcony, had my coffee, on that morning as the sun was rising... and promised to start the year with a positive attitude. Not that I've been negative throughout this difficult time in our lives. But...as time goes by, it is proving to be a bit more challenging. I find myself dragging out of bed on some mornings, I feel drained and lack energy and motivation. Naturally.. I miss him more and more, the reality of it all is really sinking in, the wear and tear, and the emotional stress of the past two years is starting to surface, the worrying about the future of the boys and the shop consumes most of my thoughts, and therefore not much space is left for being positive....

Ok, this is not sounding very positive at this point I know... but I feel unless we recognize the things that stand in the way of our happiness, we can't really address and overcome them. So perhaps by seeing all the negatives we can really appreciate the positives...
In our culture.. when we visit someones new home or are entering a loved ones house for the first time in the new year... we enter with the right foot first... I know it sounds silly, but don't all superstitious things? Anyways, it's meant to bring good luck and happiness into the home, by doing that you are hoping that good things will happen in that house, and that there will be much joy and love... does it really work? Who knows... I don't think people keep track.. but, we still do it because we hope that it works... On that note... I've decided to enter the new year with my right foot forward, and hopefully with all the tough times that lay ahead still I'll be able to stay strong and positive.

So, I think staying with the positive subject...it's time to schedule our next "LET'S EAT" day, I really wanted to have one before the holidays, but naturally I wasn't feeling up to it. Start looking through your recipes... the theme for this month is "fresh" for a fresh new start...
Let's start the year with a fresh and positive attitude and hope for a great year, I'm looking forward to more blogging and getting to know all of you better and hope to find some new friends in the blogoshpere..

Mark your calendars, get your recipes ready.. the next "LET'S EAT" will take place next Monday the 11th. Looking forward to it.

I hope you all start the year with your right foot and have a happy one.

love...peace...joy...

2010 and beyond...

2009-12-31T13:07:00.001-08:00

Yet another year is upon us, as we start another decade. Much like our own birthdays... every time a year rolls around we stop and reflect, we look back at the year and think of all the events and experiences we had and look forward to a fresh new start.

So, as Earth celebrates another birthday and as we say goodbye to one decade, pressing onward towards a new one...let's reflect, let's look back and see what we've been through and what we've learned both on a global and personal level. I hope that we will cherish the good times we've had, pat ourselves on the back for the major and not so major accomplishments we've achieved, and most of all learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others and not repeat what history has taught us...

For the coming year and the new decade we are entering, I have very few things to ask for. I hope to find peace both internally and for our fellow man as well. I hope to live with eyes open to see the wonders each day has in store for us, and to witness the events as they unfold in the world. I hope mankind will learn to be a bit more compassionate and to rely on love more often, I hope for an outbreak of kindness around the world (as a friend said the other day). And most importantly I hope we can all do our part as individuals as well as a unit to make this little blue planet of ours a better place for our future generation...

I wish you all a Happy New year and a prosperous decade ahead. Enjoy yourselves tonight, don't drink too much.... then again...why not? Go ahead knock yourselves out I know I will, there will be lots of drinking and a downpour of tears in our home tonight, both happy and sad...

Peace my friends!
Love and Joy to accompany...

So...tell us what do you hope for in 2010 and beyond...?

give love...

2009-12-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

As I sat down for a quiet cup of tea with my Gingerbread cupcake and the morning sun warming my heart... I thought of so many different things. The first thing that popped in my mind was the fact that never have I had a quite morning on a day like this, normally we would already be cooking away in the kitchen getting ready for Christmas dinner, perhaps running to the store for last minute items, or wrapping a few presents we didn't get to... In other words all the craziness that comes with the holidays. And as nice as my quite moment felt... it still made me think of all the things that are different now... As many of you have said before the first everything without my husband is going to be hard to experience.... So, yes this holiday season is very different for us...

But what I thought of mostly this morning... is all the love I have felt from everyone around me the past few months, love from family, friends, love from all corners of the globe from people whose hand I've never shaken or looked in their eyes and embraced after a few kind words. Yes, my friends I speak of you, and I can't tell you how much it warms my heart and lengthens my smile when I think of all the love and kindness that I've felt in the pages of my blog... I thank you all, and I want to send all of you so much love from my heart, as I have an abundance left behind by my husband... you have made a world of difference in our lives, I want you to know how much you have all meant to us, how many tears you've helped wipe away, how many smiles you've helped grow....I thank you!
And that is all one needs really.... love. When we love and let others love us... that warmth grows and glows forever in our hearts, no one and not a thing can take that feeling from us...

So this season...with all the little gifts you exchange, with all the hugs and kisses passed on.... most importantly don't forget to give love...give love sincerely, when you hug...hug warmly, when you smile...smile from your heart, when you say "I love you" ... really mean it... believe me that is all anyone really wants, and if you dig deep.. you will see that it's all we ever want.

Merry Christmas, I send you all a warm, lingering hug :)

love...peace...joy...

still walking the path...

2009-12-18T08:51:00.000-08:00

Picture a widow, sitting in a corner by the window, dressed in black head to toe, gazing out as if miles away, handkerchief at hand wiping her tears from time to time...hair mangled, no make up, unaware of her surroundings, did you all get a clear picture in your heads?.... Ok now get rid of that image...because that is not me, well...at least not on the outside. I was never that when Gag was ill, I didn't do that when he first passed away, and it's definitely not me now...

I've been so determined to "keep it" together, to be strong for the boys, to keep busy with important and some totally unimportant things...and it has helped keep me out of that widow chair most of the time, but I wonder if I've had time to grieve, and that's why when I crash... I crash hard...and that's not good for any of us. We all know that grief has many stages, and the process is different for everyone, some people cry everyday, all the time and then eventually run out of tears, some others walk around in denial most of the time until somewhere down the line they get hit by reality so hard it takes years to recover...well once again I'm neither of those scenarios... In short I'm just surviving each day, I may not cry all the time or have major reality slaps at times, and I may laugh and enjoy things throughout the day....but deep down I really am that widow on the chair by the window... and you know what though? I'm ok with that...It's ok to be sad, it's ok to let your kids and the people around you see you mangled and depressed, it's ok to mourn the person you've lost...especially when that person was the reason behind your smile, the love and meaning in your life...

I am getting so sick of the term "life goes on" or "be strong for your kids"....what a bunch of BS... Well of course life goes on...we are still alive, breathing, functioning, we can't just crawl under a rock and die (though I'm sure you couldn't even if you wanted to, someone must have tried that somewhere)... and as far as being strong for the boys...well that too comes naturally, we as parents have no choice... But.. what's wrong with wallowing a bit, what's wrong with mourning the love of your life for a while longer, what's wrong with your kids seeing how much you are hurting, perhaps then they will be able to show their pain as well. Why are we so determined to pack away the pain and loss so quickly, why should we be in such a hurry to move on and forget all this. Of course people move on... and they have, everyone around us has... they have their own lives and families to live and enjoy and that is natural... But this storm didn't hit around our home, it hit us right in the heart of it, so we can't, won't, shouldn't and will not be able to move on so fast...and we've accepted and embraced that.

He was not a man to be forgotten so fast, his loss is felt every second of our days, and we laugh or cry when we are reminded of him, but the biggest emotion we feel most of the time is sadness. The heaviness that's left on our hearts by this tremendous sadness is very hard to lift away, we may be able to do it for brief moments at times... but it's there always, our constant companion, and with this dark cloud that hangs over us all the time, of course we can't really celebrate much in life right now. I see that in the boys as well, they are still sad, and hurting and nothing really seems to give them complete joy at this time.... But again that's ok, what they have been through at such a young age..most of us adults can't even comprehend. They have lost their father, their life long friend and teacher, the man they look up to, admire and love so much... So perhaps we should let them mourn as well, they can be sad for a while too, we should let them grieve their own way, because none of us, me included know what they are feeling...

So, it's ok if we don't have Christmas this year, or attend fun parties and get in the jolly mood...we don't feel much like celebrating at the moment...and that's fine, we are in mourning, we are in sadness, and though we may have happy moments that we share with family and friends, the sadness is there... the loss and pain is there with tears to accompany... It's fine! As my husband used to always say..."this too shall pass"...

This is our path now, we can't take short cuts and skip over a few potholes... we have to walk it all the way, falling, rising and dusting ourselves off time and time again, and we will get through it on our own, in our own time and together as a family..

love..peace..joy..

month five... the holidays

2009-12-15T00:39:00.000-08:00

Today marks the fifth month of being without our loving, happy guy. Needless to say... it has been an ongoing roller coaster of emotions and definitely a deep learning process... learning to let go, learning to let ourselves grieve, learning to close my eyes and picture his face with a wide smile, learning to comfort myself, my boys and other loved ones...even though there are no words that can actually comfort us...
The holidays are coming...and I'm not prepared or unprepared for that matter, I don't want to go into it stressing out because everyone keeps saying how hard it's going to be... well, it's hard everyday, and yes I know... it's the first year, it's only been five months and yes it will be hard, to be honest I don't think the years ahead will be any easier, especially on such occasions... But we'll manage as we have every day since...
I want to post our Christmas cards from the past seventeen years together, we did a photo every year, even last year with all that was going on... I still wanted to send out cards to spread joy to everyone who was still in shock of hearing the "bad" news... Each year these cards adorned many a mantels, and with each year we were happy to share with our family and friends, the family we were growing into... our little union that was prospering...
But... we will not have jolly words to write on cards this year, there will be no Christmas tree or wrapped presents stacked under it, no Christmas parties to attend or presents to buy, we won't hang lights around the house, no mistletoe anywhere to be seen. In stead we'll have the warmth and togetherness of family and friends who will help us through the days to come, with each memory we share we'll keep Gag in our hearts, he'll be with us in spirit this year and the years to come.... and that my friends is all we want and need for Christmas.

our first Christmas as husband and wife (1992)

Arman's first Christmas (1993)

our little hyper toddler (1994)

happily expecting our second child (1995)

Robert's first Christmas (1996)

they were inseparable those days (1997)

our little family growing (1998)

they loved to pose for pictures (1999)

Robert's winning smile (2000)

a very jolly picture (2001)

one big happy family (2002)

this was our best year in soccer (2003)

Mexico, (2004)

growing up (2005)

went to Armenia that year (2006)

boys entering teen hood (2007)

we used my graduation photo last year (2008)

Hope you enjoyed the photos... my heart feels joy as I look at them and at the same time the pain is overwhelming as well.... Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season surrounded by your loved ones.

love...peace...joy...

change...

2009-12-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

Change.... is Mother Natures way of moving forward...
There is much to be learned from her...

Have a great weekend everyone!

love...peace...joy...

Gag's plan..

2009-12-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

As most of you know Gagik wanted to be cremated and had specific instruction on what he wanted done with his ashes. Part of the ashes were buried so that family will have a grave site to visit, and the other half was to be scattered at specific locations. He wanted some to be taken to a little place we used to go in Baja Mexico where we've had some great times, some he wanted scattered on and along the 3rd green at his favorite golf course, and the rest taken to Armenia, his birthplace. I've decided to keep some of it for myself to be mixed with my ashes when my time comes, so that once again we may be reunited.

We are planning to take his ashes to Armenia next summer if all is well, the Mexico trip was planned over Thanksgiving weekend, but we had a close family friend who passed away that week and the trip was postponed. As far as the golf course.... it has been an ongoing planning effort over the past couple of months. Every time we tried to plan it, something always came up or schedule conflicts put it off, so after many failed attempts the date was finally set for yesterday... the reservations at the golf course were made, everyone that was involved were notified, Gag's ashes were ready to be freed from the container, golf clubs were cleaned and ready to go.... then everything went wrong... or did it??

I have a theory... now feel free to call me crazy, delusional even (I won't hold it against you guys)... but I can't find any other logical explanation for what happened...so hear me out. As my brother got to the golf course he had a couple of phone calls from the other guys that were going to join him, Gagik's sister's husband, and his cousin's husband were both unable to make it, and the other person with whom Gag always played golf with (his other cousins husband) was running late. Knowing my brother, I knew that he was probably upset that once again this plan was going to fall through... but he took a deep breath, put a smile on his face and decided to take the "Gag" approach and just relax, hit a bucket of balls at the driving range and let the day pan out as it will.... You see, I think Gag had it all planned for us, Nick finally showed up and the game finally got under way... And who were the only people that ended up on the golf course yesterday? The two golf buddies that Gagik always had next to him walking the course...

So, you see no matter how much we planned for this special day to go as we wanted... Gag had other plans, he wanted to walk the course just with his golf partners one last time... it was his wish and that's exactly how it happened.... You may call it coincidence, or just a series of events, but I kinda like my version of things better...

Here are some pictures taken by my brother, and according to him... it was a perfect day!

(the 3rd )

(Nick)

(Gag's resting place on the 3rd green)

love...peace...joy...

connections...

2009-12-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

My mom and I had a lovely morning yesterday visiting with some old friends. Now, I've talked about friendship here before and how important it is to have deep connections with people, how having and hanging on to those connections enrich our lives, and warm the corners of our hearts in a special way...
I believe that "soul mate" doesn't just apply to the love of our lives, to that one special person we find to spend the rest of our lives with, our partners in life... I believe that we can also find soul mates in our friends as well, people who are very dear to us, people who find that path to our soul, and make it to the depth of our hearts and that bond can never be broken.

I grew up with Hilma, we were neighbors back home, our families shared many happy and sad days together, made it through tough times and endured hardship through togetherness and laughter. And when you've been through so much together, be it good times or bad...that bond is so deep that it becomes a part of your life, your very essence and ultimately a part of your soul. Through that very connection your character is molded into who you become later in life. After we moved to the United States we stayed in touch, but the separation was still there, and even though they moved here a few years later we were still separated, not by distance but by the different paths our lives took us. However, when you do have that special bond, no matter how many years or miles you've missed... you are still very much a part of each others lives. You think of one another often, you remember all the experiences you've had together, and when you once again are face to face.... it's as though you didn't miss a thing.

These are the kind of friendships that stand the test of time, of distance and remain strong forever. These are the kind of friends that you can still call on when you need something...anything, and you feel safe in knowing that they will always be there for you no matter what, as you would be there for them. I feel very fortunate to have made such connections in life and cherish each memory, every walk down memory lane warms my heart.
These connections are very important and essential in being human, it's what makes us who we are and ultimately how we choose to live our lives.

So cherish those deep connections, feed them, nurture them and hang on to them...for a life without them is a sad and lonely existence...

I love you Hilma and appreciate all that I've had with you and your beautiful family.

Love...Peace...Joy...

our biggest strength

2009-12-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

I went to visit Gag's best friend the other day, who just happens to be married to my best friend of 28 years. Gag and I had nothing to do with this union, they somehow found each other and we were just thrilled at the fact that... not only had both our friends found happiness but that we actually liked their significant others and could hang out too... Anyways, sadly he is also very ill, not cancer but an Autoimmune disease that is incurable... He's been battling with it for years but, for the past three years or so the illness has progressed rapidly and now he's not doing so well either. It was hard seeing him, it's difficult for me to see any of our friends...every time I'm in our usual circle I feel Gag's absence even more, but I need to start getting back into it again, I miss our friends and spending time with them feels good.

So, as we sat down for lunch, we remembered the last time Gag and his friend sat around the table together and had a few good laughs. They were very close, spoke often and had their poker night every now and then. Gag's death has really effected him as well, he had a very tough time with it, but was thankful that he visited him as often as he could (in his condition) the last few months of Gag's life. I came home that night and wanted to find the blog post I did about that day we had food together, and in doing so... I spent a good couple of hours reading through my old posts....

Well... let me tell you it was tough to say the least... as I went through post after post it seemed so unreal... all that we went through...everything he endured through those months... All the memories came rushing back into my head and it was so overwhelming, I actually couldn't believe that we went through all that...believe it or not I had even forgotten some of those awful days. I was also surprised at all the positive things that we experienced during that horrid time, we actually had some very joyous days... such as the day Gag and Rob sat down and painted together, or the day I read all my blog posts to Gag, the few days that he was feeling good and we actually enjoyed with our friends and family, the conversations he had with his long lost friend Michael... so many wonderful days were had... it's amazing how much energy and love I felt after reading those posts...

As I sat there rewinding the images in my head, I realized that with the love we had for each other... we were able to really cherish those days, we didn't let cancer take over and destroy us, yes it took him in the end, but we never gave up or gave into its pain. We didn't shrivel up and crawl into a dark corner for the remainder of his days. Instead we really celebrated each day, we found joy in so many unexpected places, our long conversations in the chemo room, or the drive home, spending time together, looking through our old photos, reading together, laughing with the boys...so many happy memories were made even in the middle of that storm...

I am so grateful for all those moments, yes looking back at those times now does still cause pain, but just as I had forgotten some of the horrible moments... more and more of those moments will subside and what will be left in our hearts and minds are those beautiful moments we all had together during his last days on earth... I am also grateful that I documented all of it, and now I can flip through the "pages" of this corner of mine, and find comfort...

Writing about all that has happened, I think was a great help, it's apparent now that it really did get me through the most difficult of times in my life, I can't imagine going through all that without this, I think the impact of it all would have been so hard on me and I might not have been able to stay so strong... Thank you all for your continued love and warming thoughts, believe it or not you have made this bumpy road a bit smoother for me....

It's amazing isn't it! That even in our darkest moments, us humans can still find joy and share love... and that is our biggest strength.

love...peace...joy...

it's all too fresh..

2009-11-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

We lost a very dear family friend this past week, and had to be strong, and support the family through these tough days. But being there at the wake and the funeral... just destroyed me...
It's all too fresh for me, and I can't seem to recover from it yet. I've cried harder the past few days than ever... I miss him more and more, and need him by my side ever more...

This path just seems to get harder and harder... I hope the pain inside doesn't win over the strength, I have no choice but to be strong, my boys need me and will need me more and more, I must stay strong... but it's just proving to be more challenging as time goes by...

I'm hoping...

I miss you my love... please help me by giving me strength to get through this storm...

six word saturday

2009-11-28T09:26:00.001-08:00

TAKE THE PATH LESS TRAVELED... SOMETIMES!

hosted by Cate at Show My Face

giving thanks...

2009-11-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

I guess this one day of the year is the day we reflect... we stop... to be thankful for all that is good in our lives. This one day when we gather with our loved ones, our friends and appreciate our lives, the people that make it a special life for us, we give thanks for the little things that make us smile inside....we give thanks for the roof over our head, for the love we share with the ones around us, for our health..... then we feast, get stuffed much like the turkey we just ate and the next day...we go on with our lives, slowly forgetting all those little things we gave thanks for, as we once again get overwhelmed with all the other little things that cause us to worry and stress over, and we slowly get back to the rush of life, zooming through our days...forgetting to even smile at times let alone be thankful.

I don't mean to sound so cynical on a joyous day like this, but let's face it... that is exactly what happens in life, we commemorate and celebrate holidays such as Thanksgiving, by counting our blessings and being thankful, and like Valentines Day by expressing our love to that special person in our lives.... Then we forget... we forget everything and get into the zombie mode till the next holiday slaps us on our face to be awake that day and enjoy the present. On this day of giving thanks... I want to pass on a message to all of you...

BE THANKFUL EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIVES, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS EACH MOMENT, EXPRESS YOUR LOVE ON EACH DAY BREAK, BE KIND AND GIVING ON ALL THE DAYS IN STEAD OF JUST CHRISTMAS, AND LAUGH WHOLE HEARTED WITH EACH JOYOUS MOMENT!

My husband was such a man...why wait till a day on the calendar instructs you to give thanks, or to say I love you or to be happy... why not be that way on all the days in our lives...however long or short.
So, today as any other day I give thanks for the gift that was given to me, his presence in my life, his love that to this day overflows my heart, for the countless happy moments that we had together, for my beautiful boys he left behind. I am thankful for having known and loved him, I am thankful for all that he taught me... for all the "I love yous", for all the hugs, for all the smiles, for all the walks, all the talks, each time he held my hand or asked me to smile...
I AM THANKFUL!
And not just today, or tomorrow, or the next day... but for all the days that lay ahead in my life..

Enjoy your family and friends today, enjoy the food and festivities, give your thanks and tomorrow.... don't forget all that you were thankful for... each day is a blessing, hold it dear to your heart, own up to it and be awake for each moment...

I leave you with my warmest wishes for today and some love from my heart..

love...peace...joy...

LET'S EAT!!

2009-11-23T00:02:00.000-08:00

Well my friends our first recipe swap day has finally arrived, I'm very excited (as I often get when food is the topic :)... Looking forward to some good food today in the blogosphere.

I'll be sharing a family favorite on our Thanksgiving table. My mom has been making this dish for quite a few years, she's the kitchen queen on this holiday and is in no way ready to relinquish that throne to me just yet. But I have been taking on a few of the dishes year by year... squeezing my way in sort of speak. I've put my twist on this recipe of hers for the past couple of years and I'm happy to report... that she approves. So here it is without any further ramblings... (I know... I talk too much)...one of our favorites.... a simple yet delicious dish.

PECAN STUFFED APPLES

This recipe is for 6 apples, which makes 12 halves, believe me you will want to double or even triple this one.

This is what you'll need:

* 6 medium Gala apples
* 1 cup of roughly chopped pecans
* 1/4 cup packed brown sugar
* 1/4 cup cold butter cut or torn into small cubes
* 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
* 1/8 tsp. of graded nutmeg or powder

* preheat your oven to 350*F

* mix all the ingredients but the apples in a bowl,
without over mixing, you don't want your butter to melt.

* cut apples in half lengthwise, leaving skin on,
* cut a very thin layer off the bottoms so they don't wobble,

* core the apples leaving most of the flesh in,
** make sure your stuffing is mixed before you prep the apples,
they will turn brown quickly.

* place apples on a sheet pan and fill with pecan mixture,
** make sure each one gets enough pecans and butter peaces

* bake for 25 to 30 min.

** take caution not to over bake
apples should still be a bit crunchy and
the pecans nice and toasty,
the butter and most of the sugar will melt.

* serve these warm delights either before dinner, as a starter with some nice Brie cheese,
serve them for desert or during the dinner.

Either way this is a very easy and a yummy addition to your table.

*and since we don't waste anything in the kitchen... if you end up with some pan drippings just drizzle the juices on top of the apples.

Enjoy and leave a note here if you are playing along....so LET'S EAT!

love...peace...joy...

six word saturday

2009-11-21T00:04:00.000-08:00

hosted by Cate at Show My Face

GOOD FOOD....GOOD COMPANY...IS PRICELESS!!!

love...peace...joy...

happily sad...

2009-11-19T08:58:00.000-08:00

I've been getting out of my cave a little more lately, taking up on peoples invites...an art exhibit here, a dance recital there, out for drinks with my girlfriends... and have noticed something interesting that I'd like to share with you lovely folks, my good friends here in this cyber corner of mine...

As I'm out and about socializing once more, trying to find joy in things again, I've run into quite a few people that I haven't seen since those dreaded days following Gag's death. Most of them are very happy to see me getting out, to see me smiling and enjoying myself, and yet others seem to have this puzzled look on their faces.... Not to say that they don't want to see me happy, but I think they are just lost in wonder at how I'm even able to function after all that's happened let alone be out with people enjoying myself. And believe me it doesn't bother me that they think this way, nor does it deter me from smiling and finding the joy in things once again...

The truth of the matter is that I am by nature a happy person, always have been. In fact that was one of the things that my husband loved about me, he loved that he was married to a happy person, someone that found joy in the simple things and was able to laugh out loud with him. As you all know he too was a very happy guy and loved life and laughter, and often told me that my smiling face was what made him look forward to each day... so imagine if he was married to a grumpy, negative, nagging person... what a drag that would've been for him. Now, I wouldn't go as far as describing myself as having a bubbly personality.. I have plenty of days where I'm a bit of a cynic and wear my pessimists hat at times, but overall I'm happy. Sure I have a great deal of sadness inside, I have a broken heart that may never heal, my soul is crippled and the pain can be quite unbearable for me at times, but what helps me get through my days now ARE those glimpses of happy moments, the joy that I find each day in the little, simple things. It is my personality, I can not help but wake up each morning and yearn to find things that make me smile.... such as the faces of my boys sleeping in the morning light, a little "good morning" to Gag's photo by my bed... the smell of my coffee... just to name a few...

There are plenty of things in my life that can make me unhappy, bitter and an overall angry person, and ya... I can walk around complaining, crying, nagging all day long and at times I have to reach rally deep inside to find the strength to even get out of bed on some mornings... But how could any of these benefit any of us??? I've grown up in a happy, safe and loving home... with parents that taught us to find the good in everything and everyone, to be good to ourselves and to others as well, I had a wonderful marriage to an incredible person, although short lived but a very rich connection filled with an abundance of love and happiness... and now I want to carry on that tradition of joy in my home, I want my children to see me smile, to feel that love and joy that was present when dad was alive.... Why would I ever abandon that character of mine... only to become a sad... lonely...bitter person... I would never do that to my children, to my loved ones, to myself and most of all to Gagik.

So... it does come down to who we are and how we react to the things that life has in store for us... people always tell me they are amazed by my strength and how calmly I have handled all that has happened to us... but I don't know if it's all about being strong as much as being true to ones nature... like I said, I am by nature a happy person, I can't help but be this way... I don't know how else to be.... So for now I am a happily sad person... and that's just fine by me.

Be true to yourselves...

love...peace...joy...

simple things....

2009-11-16T06:31:00.001-08:00

the sunlight in the morning,
the smell of cinnamon in my coffee,
a hug from my boys,
fresh baked muffins,
the warmth of a scarf around my neck,
a hot cup of tea in my favorite mug,
long conversations,
cooking up a storm for my family,
a good book and a quite space,
movie night with my boys,
the way children laugh,
colors on a canvas,
a good laugh,
a good cry,
a call from a friend,
a good movie,
looking through old photos,
a walk through the woods after rain,
the color of sunsets,
getting wet in the rain,
hearing "I love you mom"...

thank you Christina for giving us "simple things"

love...peace...joy...

my everything...

2009-11-15T06:50:00.000-08:00

Four months ago today, at 8:38pm I lost my everything....

my husband
my best friend
my teacher
my lover
the father of my children
my partner in crime
my drinking buddy
my ocean breeze
my ray of sunshine
my voice of reason
my peace of mind
my soul mate
my pillow
my warm embrace
my goodnight kiss
my shoulder to cry on
my Saturday night date
my joy in life
my smile
my everything...

My name is Mari and I'm a recovering widow...

enjoy your loved ones fully...

love...peace...joy.....

six word saturday..

2009-11-14T10:23:00.001-08:00

NATURES INTRICATE DESIGN MAKES ME SMILE!

hosted by Cate at Show My Face

have a great Saturday...

love...peace...joy...

BOOT CAMP

2009-11-13T09:23:00.000-08:00

Yes you read it right... I've up and joined a boot camp...why you ask??... I don't know I've been trying to find an answer to that same question for over a week now, walking around in pain as my body is sore in places you don't even want to know. Now, mind you there are far more fun and interesting groups I'd rather be part of... say.... oh off the top of my head..... a Martini lovers group?? Where a bunch of us get together tasting a variety of Martinis and not doing a whole lot else.... or say... computer addicts anonymous?? Where us blog and facebook addicts can sit around and discuss how the computer world is interfering with our social lives...all the while holding on to our laptops tightly in our laps, eagerly checking our comment boxes.... But, I chose the boot camp...a wise choice given the health hazards of the above mentioned... don't you think?

So, here's the thing... I'm not getting any younger, and I'm certainly not getting any thinner sitting on my behind blogging all day... and there comes a time when one must choose to either be happy with the way we look and feel.... and not complain about it all the time... or choose to do something about the things that interfere in our thoughts at night and shut that nagging voice in our head once and for all. I think... most of us who are trying to trim down are going about it the wrong way... we get into fad diets and quick fix workout routines for all the wrong reasons. We think that just by starving ourselves, or running our asses off for a whole week, will help us fit into those old favorite jeans of ours or that little cocktail dress for an event we're going to. But, what we fail to realize is that these routines might work for short term results, but in the end we gain all the pounds we've shed and then some....

What I've come to understand the past couple of weeks, is that in order to really stick to a plan...(and this plan shouldn't be all about trimming down, looking good, and loosing some pounds, but more for feeling better, having more energy and just overall bettering ourselves), we should approach it differently... Let me explain, when we decide to go on a "diet" which in turn means cutting calories, restricting some food intake, and avoiding some food all together... we are setting ourselves up for failure right from the start, because we all know that it is human nature to crave what we can't have.... However if we start by committing ourselves to an exercise routine, we start feeling better faster and in turn start to watch ourselves a bit more carefully around the table... Let's face it, if we put ourselves through hell each time we work out... naturally we are not going to want to stuff unnecessary calories down our throat, in turn throwing all that work down the drain. I think we love ourselves far too much to do that...

So... bottom line is, if you want to lose some weight... look at it from a different angle, sign up for some activities just to feel better, that's it... that alone should be your only motive... and the rest will follow. You will naturally want to watch what you eat, you will undoubtedly have more energy to be even more active and in the end will definitely shed some pounds, and in the process you'll have some fun, get stronger, fitter and will feel much healthier. The ultimate bonus will be... when you look good and feel good about yourself... you will be a happier person, and believe me your kids and family will appreciate that.

Get out there and move... just for the sake of happiness.

love...peace...joy...

By the way I love my boot camp trainers and the program they have put together, they are changing lives every day out there... well done guys!

update on recipe swap

2009-11-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to let you guys know that our recipe swap date has been set, it's on my side bar... so start flipping through your books and notes of all the yummy food you've had and share with us on the 23rd. Thanksgiving favorites.

I also want you guys to head on over to Just Jules today, she has a great post for Veterans Day.

Enjoy your day everyone!

Love...Peace...Joy...

the creators..

2009-11-09T09:10:00.000-08:00

Went to an art exhibit this weekend, it was of one of my all time favorite artists Emil Kazaz.
He has quite an imagination, passion and vision that is apparent in his work. I'm no expert and am in no way qualified to judge an artist, or give you a detailed analysis of his work. However what I can tell you about is how I felt as I walked around, looking at the paintings, sketches and the sculptures (which were my favorite part of the show).

Who are artists?? Artists are the writers, painters, sculptors, singers, dancers, directors, composers.... visionary people who create. Their imagination and the yearning to create make our world a colorful one. A world that speaks to our soul, opens our eyes to different realms, a world that warms our hearts, makes us cry or laugh at times, that makes us feel, makes us smile. A world without these riches would be quite a sad one, if you ask me.... A few notes of a song can lift our spirits.. or a scene from a picture can make us feel alive inside... a simple photograph can bring tears to our eyes... or perhaps the brushstrokes on a painting can inspire us in so many ways.
What a gift to us humans, to those who have this vision, this incredible ability to express and put out this imagination which lives in their minds, hearts and is embedded in their souls... And what a gift to those of us who see and appreciate their creations. Whether we like a piece of art or a particular group of music notes put together, we must appreciate the "work" that went into creating it, the feelings that were involved in the molding process, the love and all emotions that are ultimately responsible for the end result.

I couldn't help but feel humbled as my eyes jump from one piece to the next, catching all the little details in the paintings, all the colors that dance together on a canvas, or as I felt the many curves on a sculpture, I imagined the number of hours and days.. months that it took to finish each peace... What was involved in the process, how many moments of victory or defeat were felt... yes we can get technical about it, and really dissect this process.... but that will not take away the fact that in the end... it is still a work of creation... The artist is the creator... and we're just going along on the ride and enjoying every minute of it...

Yes artists are creators... of beauty, of pain, of joy, of love, of darkness and of light without which we would all be pale on the outside and inside...

Here are some of the sculptures from the show, enjoy!

So, make some time... go to a concert or an art gallery, stop for a moment to listen to a street musician or look at a statue you pass by in detail, although natures creations are beautiful, and the colors that surround us make our lives fuller.... sharing the vision of our human creations will no doubt enrich your soul....

love...peace...joy...

six word saturday

2009-11-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

EACH NEW DAY PRESENTS NEW WONDERS!

hosted by Cate at Show My Face

love...peace...joy...

recipe swap... tell me what you think???

2009-11-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, I have a blog idea and wanted to see what you thought about it....

I want to start a recipe swap day.... and it will go like this:
Once or twice a month, say like on a Monday...(why Monday??? well it is the longest and the most boring day of the week, and just because...) whoever wants to participate will post a favorite recipe on their blog. I'm not asking you guys to give out old family secret recipes or anything... it could be something you created or something form a cookbook or a magazine that you like. We can make it seasonal, special holiday recipes etc. etc.

So tell me what you think and if any of you guys are interested in joining in the fun. I'm going to throw in a bonus recipe today. It looks like most of you showed interest in the delightful dish I had posted last week, so I will share this one today.

Looking forward to some feedback from all of you guys...

Ok, so this dish is a middle eastern one, we usually eat it in the morning, when we can have some friends over, and spend a nice Sunday morning. It is very hardy and will keep you going for most of the day.

FOUL

You will need a few cans of Fava Beans (depending on how many people you are having)

*a 29oz can usually will feed two
*empty the beans and the juice into a large pot and just warm it up

That's it for the cooking part of things, it's all the yummy condiments that make this dish, and this is all the extras you put on the table to add to it:

*olive oil
*lemon juice
*tahini (sesame paste)
*salt, pepper, paprika and cumin powder
*chopped onions
*minced garlic
*chopped tomatoes
*chopped jalapenos
*chopped parsley
*pomegranate seeds (optional)
*crumpled feta cheese (optional, I like adding this to mine)
*chopped hard boiled eggs (optional)

To serve, pour some beans with juice in a bowl, mash the beans a bit with your fork, pile on all the goodies, season to taste, mix it all in and enjoy, a shot of chilled vodka goes well with this, especially if you have some friends over.

So leave me a few words below and let me know what you think of the recipe swap idea and we'll go from there, Thanksgiving is around the corner, so we can start with some dishes for that holiday.

love...peace...joy...

mindful absence..

2009-10-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

Had another great Tai Qi practice today....
When the group is in sinc and we all sway to the movements together we become one with nature and that is one of the greatest feeling.

One of the most important part of practice is what the master calls it..."mindful absence". What this means is that we are fully aware of our surroundings, the sounds that nature makes, the leafs that sway and sing to the wind, the earth and branches that crackle under the footsteps of hikers around us, the flap of birds wings in flight and their chirping as they sit on the trees observing us dance. It is imperative that we do stay awake, to be part of all that goes on around us, and yet just as important to be absent. This is what mindful absence is... aware of it all yet not consumed by it. Think of a Deer grazing... she is so lost in her world, just munching away, yet the ears are very alert, observing and listening to every little sound around her... One little crack will have her running to safety.

The mind can wonder and get lost in thought as you meditate or practice, it is only natural with all the things going on in our head. But in Tai Qi we let the thoughts come in and just pass through our mind...we mustn't let them linger and take away too much of our energy. That is exactly what Tai Qi is... the practice of flowing the energy through our body, and harnessing our Qi, directing it to the places that could benefit from it greatly. With each movement that is what we do, help that energy flow freely from one point to the next, we also use the energy that mother earth is offering to heal our bodies, and at the end of the practice we return that energy back to her.

So, try mindful absence next time you are meditating, by being aware of what is around you and at the same time not getting lost in the noise, both from the outside and from the inside of your body... you'll become one with nature. The energy you will feel will be exhilarating. You'll be refreshed and recharged... I promise you.

Have a safe and fun Halloween weekend :)

love...peace...joy...

16 years ago today...

2009-10-28T08:27:00.001-07:00

There is the little man at 4 weeks, he brought so much happiness into our home upon his arrival 16 years ago... that truly was a joyous day for all of us. First child for us and first grandchild to grandparents on both sides of the family, not to mention first nephew to both to my brother and Gag's sister, and the first one in our circle of friends. So, you think he was loved???

And now here he is... all grown up, shaving and all.. He has a great personality, and a very caring heart. There are times his reactions to things are so much like Gag, it's scary.. He's a good boy, and no doubt will grow up to be a great man.

As difficult as the road ahead seems at times... I think there are many happy days ahead still and I'm looking forward to it all... to life. My boys really do keep me going, and I "dig that" as my friend Christina would say.

Happy 16th Arman!

love...peace...joy...

love from the bogoshere...

2009-10-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

My lovely blog friend Christina over at Soul Aperture sent me this photo today...
Her husband participated in the cancer run in Milwaukee on a September day, and among the names of all their friends who have been effected by this horrid disease, was Gag's name too.... made me teary looking at it.

Thank you Christina and husband for thinking of him and thank you for the photo, you truly are a very special person. To think we don't even "know" each other, we met here in the cyber world, between blog posts and sharing stories, admiring our pictures and finding comfort in our words. Yet it would seem we have connected on a much deeper level...

There is much love here in the blogosphere, no doubt about it.

love...peace...joy...

a lovely Sunday morning...

2009-10-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

love...peace...joy...

sweet snail mail....

2009-10-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, look what I got in
the mail from Janet.
This is one of her tags from her
Tuesday Tag Challenge posts, I commented about
how I really liked this one... and voila!!!

Thank you Janet, I really love it,
love the colors, the message, and most
of all the fact that it's hand made by you.
It's very happy in it's new home, hanging
from my lamp on my nightstand,
where I can see it daily and think of all
the great memories Gag left us with.
Thanks again... it really made my day.

Isn't Janet great? If you guys haven't
already been there please check out
her corner.

LOVE...PEACE...JOY...

looking for the light...

2009-10-19T11:04:00.000-07:00

I heard Arman shaving this morning before school.....

My thoughts started whirling in my mind again... I remembered the day Gag showed him how to shave, he was ill already yet still had enough energy to teach him at least this one little step to manhood. And of course, all kinds of things started popping into my head, all the things that the boys still needed to learn from dad, all the wise words they are going to look for, all the times they will search for him as they reach moments in their lives that will require dad's advise..

I was overwhelmed by all the feelings that came over me once again, this tremendous fear took over, the helpless feeling of not being able to fill that void in their lives... I couldn't breath, it was so terrifying, so claustrophobic, my head was spinning from all that was going on up there. Will I be able to give them all that they will need, provide them with at least some of the answers to the questions they'll be faced with? Will I have the strength to be there every step of the way, to guide them, to help them choose the right path, to give them the right tools to grow into strong, confident men? There is no doubt in my mind that they have already learned so much from dad, and those lessons will always stay with them... but how many more lessons are left untaught?

This is when I really felt the need for Gag's presence, and this is what I miss the most about him always... our talks, we always talked through things, every obstacle, every hurdle, every tough situation was resolved by long talks and we both felt so much better in the end.. I needed him today more then ever, I needed his wisdom, his positive words that always made me see the light, his comforting voice telling me that all will be fine in the end... I needed to see him, to hear him... so I got in my car and drove out to the cemetery... where else to go to feel his presence???

Took some flowers, burned some essence, shared a cup of coffee and talked.. I did most of the talking... he didn't really have a lot to say, in fact he hasn't really been talking to me much... I'm still waiting... But, it felt good to tell him all my worries like old times, and perhaps it's the serenity of the place itself that always seems to calm me down somehow....

In the end.. the sun did peek through the clouds, as if to embrace me with it's warmth, and pat me on my shoulder to say that things will be ok, that we will come out of all this in tacked, and the light will appear again at the end of this dark tunnel. I walked away feeling a little better, much stronger that I felt in the morning, and even though all my worries are still there, the fear, the doubt, the pain are all still my constant companions, but a little less suffocating...

Another dark day turned a bit brighter, the heavy heart still lingers, it's hard shaking off an emotional morning, but with a few deep breaths I'll make it through the day, and always hope for a better start tomorrow.

love...peace...joy...

three months behind us...the rest of our lives ahead still..

2009-10-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

What can I say... I just miss this smiling face so much...today marks three months.
Three very tough months... and not to say that the rest of our lives will be any easier, but the memories of this happy person make us laugh, and he still manages to fill our hearts with joy...
that's all I have to say today...

love...peace...joy...

wordless wednesday... rain (finally)

2009-10-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

love...peace...joy...

still learning....

2009-10-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

Having been a Psych major in collage, and an overall nut about all things human... our behaviour, our inner senses that are a very delicate and complicated web... our reactions to things... our undying quest for self and purpose....
This past experience has also been a very interesting time for me from an observation stand. I don't know about you, but I am always examining and reexamining myself, my thoughts, the way I handle situations, emotions etc... I have always been that way, but after studying the human psyche and reading quite a bit on the subject, I think I've become more and more aware of this interest of mine.

Naturally... after a person goes through a major ordeal like the one I've been through the past couple of years, your emotional and psychological state goes through a whirlwind of ups and downs, and many sessions of crashes and reboots... But in the end, somehow, we still survive...some may even say conquer ourselves and our inner daemons that so often, (in some people) win the battle.

There are so many changes I've noticed within my very character, some so noticeable that friends and family have pointed them out as well. But... how much of it is normal and how much alarming?? That is the real question... and actually how much of it should be embraced and how much should be shaken off??

Of course I'm different... how can I possibly be the same person? When I've lived the past seventeen years of my life with another person, with whom I've shared most of my days, thoughts, emotions, my joys, pains and sorrows with. Someone to be responsible for and someone who was responsible for me, someone whom I made plans with, did things for, cared for, worried about... And now... that person who was my ever present breath next to me is no longer there... and ya I know what you're going to say... he's still here and always will be. But that's not what I'm talking about..

Here are some examples... very small and insignificant things, but these are the things that make me realize that there is someone...something missing in my everyday life... When I'm in the supermarket shopping... I reach for the things that Gag enjoyed eating, then put them back... like the brand of coffee he preferred or the kind of orange juice he liked etc. .. A load of laundry is missing from the usual pile... his usual spot on the table or the sofa is empty... we ask for a table for 3 in stead of 4 when out... junk mail still arriving with his name on it...or having to explain to the telemarketer on the other line why they should never call back and ask for him... and of course the worse...not hearing him whisper "sweet dreams" before I close my eyes every night.
You see where I'm getting at here??? So... how can I be the same person??

I undoubtedly can not... and most likely will not ever be the same person, but that is human nature... we change with each experience, be it a joyous one like becoming a parent... or a painful one such as loosing a loved one. The difficult task, aside from dealing with the pain and usual symptoms of a grieving heart... is learning to adjust to these changes, learning to like yourself again, to get to know yourself once again, and ultimately accepting these changes within yourself, so that you can live with yourself again... Of course this journey presents yet another challenge... which is having your loved ones and your friends learn to accept these changes as well. For many years they are used to you being a certain way, and now at times your behaviour throws them off, which leads them to believe that you "must be" in trouble or in need of help. Where in reality, you yourself are confused and are learning to adjust.

We humans are a very interesting species to say the least, but what amazes me time and time again is the amount of things we can handle that gets thrown our way in this life of ours. And the majority of us do end up surviving.. conquering.. and gaining a greater understanding of our inner layers. I think the first step in adjusting to these changes is accepting and understanding them. And yes, at times you want that inner "fetal position" to win.. because on some days that's all you want to do, and it's ok to give in at times...as all us humans need that position from time to time, but we can not indulge in that too often, because ultimately we will lose, and we will not only lose ourselves, but in the process will lose everything we love.

So... the journey continues, having learned a lot... yet so much more to be learned still..

I am here, learning... adjusting... accepting... struggling.... surviving and conquering...

love...peace...joy...and some patience!

six word saturday 10.10.09

2009-10-10T16:48:00.001-07:00

CHILDREN MAKE THE WORLD GO AROUND!

fun filled weekend...

2009-10-06T19:14:00.001-07:00

The weekend started with a pleasant
surprise as I found out that my mom's
friend and daughter were taking us out to lunch.

So we were off to Malibu's Taverna Tony
where delicious food was had.
The saganaki which is a fried cheese flambeed
table side was amazing, as were the rest
of the dishes. And a little Ouzo shared with
good old friends in a nice setting is just what
the doctor ordered.

That evening was one of my favorite
events that takes place in our little community
every year, the Music Festival.

Colorado Blvd. is closed off a few blocks and filled
with food carts, craft vendors and some dozen
bands in different corners of the street.

This shot shows the hustle and bustle on the street,
where people flock to each year for some
good music and great street food.

The boys and I were having far too much
fun to stop and take pictures, but I did
manage to take a few shots of these guys.
Who were performing a Brazilian
Martial Arts dance called Capoeira.
The beat was mesmerizing, and the
performance amazing...

Then we were off to Castaic Lake for a
family picnic on Sunday.
What a beautiful fall day that was,
crisp air, little breeze and the sun warming
us at times.

Of course great food was had...

Little rock stacking, patience lessons were
practiced between father and son (my brother)...
and other family members...

And an overall great time was had, surrounded
by family, food, laughter, and these magnificent
trees...

Lots of great memories were made this weekend, many photos taken, countless bonding conversations between friends and family, kids had quite a few laughs as well as us adults.
Quite honestly this was possibly the first weekend where I felt a glimpse of happiness in my heart, yes again.. Gag was always on my mind and I did get teared up at times thinking how wonderful it would have been to have him with us, and how he would enjoy every moment of this weekend, he loved full days like these, where we had a lot going on...

But... I laughed with a bit more ease this time, and the teary sessions were a little more spread out than usual... And this was a good thing for all of us.

Love...Peace...Joy...

october..

2009-10-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

just a quick note to let you guys know what's going on in October over at Capturing beauty.
so go on over there now and check back throughout this month for some fun shots of the changing season captured by all 11 of us there..
Here's my first shot I posted.... more to come :)

thanks Philip once again for this blog opportunity

love...peace...joy...

breaking down....

2009-10-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

Oh boy.... my dear blog friends, had a really low evening yesterday...so brace yourselves for a tough read...

Gag's best friend had surgery yesterday and I went to visit him in the hospital, and let me tell you... it was such a painful flash back moment for me. Same hospital, same parking lot where I've cried many a times sitting in my car, same hallways we've walked together...

As I got off the elevator, a couple were walking up and down the hall, the husband had just had surgery and was doing his recovery walk, the wife holding his hand tightly, walking slowly next to him for support.... it took me immediately to the days following Gag's open heart surgery and our walks down these halls. He was so determined to recover quickly and get on with life, every couple of hours he'd say..."let's go love, let's take a stroll". And we'd go around a couple of times, holding hands, talking, laughing.... Gag as usual joking around with the nurses, saying hello to neighbors in the other rooms, and the nurses thought we were so cute, strolling hand in hand as if we were in a beautiful park, walking along the paths enjoying the trees around us without a care in the world...

Let me tell you I just wanted to fall on the ground and weep... but of course I didn't, after all I was there to see a friend, to cheer him up, and comfort him by giving him some encouraging words, so once again I held it together and buried my pain, well... at least till I got to the parking lot and cried sitting in my car alone like I've done so many times before.

Had to compose myself, wipe the tears and put the smile back on, I went to pick up Arman from the soccer field, and boom... once again a flashback hit me, but it was like nothing I had experienced before. I parked the car, started walking towards the field, and there it was, right where Gag used to park his car was a dark blue Scion, with soccer gear in the back just like Gag's. And as naive and stupid humans as we are, for a split second I forgot everything and had a little joy moment of knowing I was going to see him.... but that's all it was, a very short millisecond of joy... then I woke up and realized what I was thinking and how unreal it felt. And that is when I lost it, right there under the lights, standing next to that car. everything came crushing down... and all this happened in front of Arman... which I hate to do...

But, I am only human... And there is only so much I can restrain. This is what happens when you swallow your pain time and time again, bury your sorrow deep under your skin and hold back all the tears that want to burst out. It all comes pouring out when you least expect it and where you didn't want it to happen. I know that it's ok for the boys to see me hurting and know that after all, we are in this reality and that yes, it is very hard for all of us, but I don't want to give them the pain of seeing me like that and the helplessness that they feel, knowing that there is nothing they can do to change the situation. Something no mother ever wishes for...

So, yes a very tough evening for us, it was possibly the worst weeping cry I have ever had, and I feel exhausted this morning, but we must carry on, hold it together and just keep breathing....

Realized this morning that... what a surprise.... it was Wednesday yesterday... wow!

Enjoy every moment of your lives...

love...peace...joy...

fall has arrived....

2009-09-30T10:12:00.001-07:00

well folks... fall has officially arrived
a walk through of a retail store
shows quite a bit of evidence of this

spice and cinnamon scented candles
invade your nose as soon as you walk in

colorful and soft woven scarves
are begging to wrap around your neck

Halloween fabrics are everywhere
from costumes for the kiddies to kitchen towels

and my favorite.... rain gear piled high on shelves

yup... it's here, the weather is changing, the smells and colors around are changing, and so are we.... looking forward to cozy corners, comforted by soft blankets, hot tea and the crackle of the firewood.... enjoy the change of the season... as this too will pass quickly and take us into the winter, as we will no doubt be yearning for the warmth of summer once again.... and the cycle will begin all over .....

love....peace....joy....

by the way all the images above were taken with my little baby cannon :))) not bad huh??

i'm so ready for fall

2009-09-28T07:00:00.001-07:00

Well at least it looked a little cold and "fall-ish" outside this morning. It's been so hot and dry and just yukky for the past month, and the fires didn't help either, the air quality is really bad. I am so ready for some good old fashion cold, rainy and gloomy days.

I love fall, love the colors, the flavors, the smell of burning wood from the fireplaces, as you walk in the neighborhood in the evenings, warm sweaters, scarves, hats, soft socks, cozy blankets, the very few trees that actually do change color here in LA. Even though we don't have four seasons here, the change is still visible. I love the foods of the season too, hearty soups and stews, warm deserts, hot tea in the evening with some home made preserve. Can you tell I'm ready for the season?? And of course my favorite holiday.... Thanksgiving... yum...

Now that I'm done with the renovation project at the shop... I need to find some new projects to keep me busy, don't get me wrong.. I have my hands quite full with the boys, their activities, running the shop and home... but it's not that kind of "busy" I'm talking about.. it's the kind that keeps my creative juices flowing... and I love that kind of busy... so there are a few ideas in my head and will share soon enough, but for the moment... I'm just looking forward to the weather getting colder so that I can enjoy my early morning walks and hikes again.

Enjoy your week everyone

love...peace... joy...

a little quote before I go:

"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. "
Ralph Waldo Emerson

friendship....

2009-09-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

I want to talk a little about friendship today...

I'm not talking about the type of friendship that's kind of casual, a drink here and there, a lunch date on a busy work week, or an occasional phone call once in a while. What I'm talking about is the kind of friendship that withstands the test of time, the up and down hills that life takes us through, the connection that is thicker than blood. Not many people are fortunate enough in their lives to make and keep such connections.

Although I'm a strong believer that a lot has to do with the kind of friend you are to others that determines the friends that you make throughout your lifetime. We all go through different stages of life and during these different stages we come across many people that win our hearts, then sometimes we drift away and loose that connection for whatever reason or we hold on to those friends forever if we're lucky.

The friendship that I speak of here is much like the unconditional love of a parent for the child, yes I know that connection is stronger than anything we will ever encounter in our lives, but with a good friendship, an unselfish friendship one that has no boundaries one can come pretty close to a connection that is similar to a family bond. Friends like these will accept you for all that you are, will cherish what you have to offer, will know when to push you, or when to step back. They will understand that if you need time then that is what they give you, or if you need a shoulder then they are the first to arrive... (preferably with some comfort food and vino). They don't judge or criticize you when you are not yourself, instead accept and understand your position, they don't shower you with advise when all you need is a hug, they don't talk when you need them only to listen. And they certainly don't walk away and leave you crouched in a dark corner when you need a lift.

Yes friendship like this is hard to find and hang on to, for those who find it should do all necessary to feed that connection, not to let it drift away. A note of caution here... it is very important that this devotion be a mutual one, if only one is the giving and supportive partner all the time... then that's not a real friendship. And at times we will have to accept that not all people are capable of such a devotion to that connection and those are usually the people that can't make any other connections in their lives last for that matter.

So, yes as the saying goes "we may not choose our family, but we choose our friends" is true, and we should choose.... the people that can take that step and commit to that connection... because a train cannot travel on one track... it needs both tracks on a leveled surface to ride smoothly.

And that's my two cents worth on the topic...
Be well my cyber friends

love...peace...joy...

a little treat

2009-09-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

came across the pictures from my culinary
school days....
thought i'd share my favorite summer salad

cubed watermelon, greek feta
and chopped mint.
sometimes i add some walnut
pieces for texture and
crunch.

this picture was taken during
one of our student buffets.
it was a big hit :)

enjoy

by the way.... what is up with blogger's follower box today??? something verrrry fishy goin on ....

hope you all had a great day.

love...peace...joy...

i'm still here...

2009-09-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Hey blogoshere... in case any of you were wondering... I'm still here, a bit discombobulated... but here...

It's been such an exhausting week or so, both physically and emotionally (but what else is new right??). Had a lot done at the shop with the renovation projects, phase one and two are complete and just have phase three left, which is the big one and will require some muscle. Thanks to some family members and the fact that my dad taught me how to use some power tools and a paintbrush when I was younger... this project has gone quite smoothly. With all it's emotional setbacks for me personally this has been a very positive part of the past couple of weeks.
The crew at work are very excited and happy that the shop is now a much brighter place to work. They have been such an important part of our lives, like I've mentioned before they are like family and have gone above and beyond to make sure business proceeds smoothly and that all is well taken care of for the past couple of years especially, since both Gag and I had not been spending too much time there. I'm so grateful to them and with this project hope that work will go even more smoothly now.

Even though I had different plans for myself when I started culinary school back in '08, I'm happy to take on the responsibilities of running the shop, and making sure that Gag's hard work and the years he put into "his first baby" as he called it, goes on and prospers in his memory, and with a great group of people that I have behind me, who care as much about the place as I do this will make it a lot more easier of a task. And let's face it having the flexibility of my hours at the shop is priceless considering how much the boys need me now and how important my time with them is right now.

Let's talk about the boys a little, I'm not sure if you've noticed... but I try not to discuss the boys as much here, and there is a reason for it. First of all they do have access to my blog, and do read it from time to time and I don't really want them to feel embarrassed that I spill everything about them to a bunch of strangers (to them :), and secondly... oh I don't know I can't think of the second reason now, but I just don't feel very comfortable writing too much about them. I have no trouble unloading my inner soul to you all, but these are my thought and feeling, and I feel I don't have the right to do the same to them. Anyways hope this all makes sense to you guys.

But, I will give you a little picture of where they are now, and the things that really require my 100%. Robert... is a bit younger, had less time with dad and is a more emotional person, who is not really shy to express himself (remind you of anyone ?). So I find it much easier to talk to him about dad, he tells me how he feels, and how much he misses him... we talk about him a lot and remember things and laugh and cry together, that makes him feel better and is a big relief for me as well..

Arman on the other hand is already in the stage of his life that can be quite confusing and frustrating, plus to top it off he has the loss of his father to deal with. He was more attached to dad, they had more time together, and shared their passion for sports, and therefore had some very special one on one time. And I imagine it is very hard for him to go through his days. The reason I say "I imagine" is because it is very difficult talking to him about dad, every time I bring him up or try and remind him of something funny dad did, or something he would say.. he just changes the subject and shuts it out... yes it is very hard for him to talk about dad, and he hates to see me cry (he has mentioned to me), but he's coming around a little at a time, I wont push him, he'll do it when he is ready. Getting back on the field and playing was a big step for him, and I'm impressed at the way he got "back on the horse".

So, this is our life... keeping busy, coping, taking it one day at a time....sharing laughs and tears.... this is the way we'll face this new life. Although I'll be really honest... at times I feel like I'm living a stranger's life, that this really isn't me, all this didn't really happen to Gag and our family, and maybe that's a good thing at times, because the actuality and the reality of it all is too painful and will devour us. There are days I walk around like a zombie, unaware of my surroundings, missing the meaning in it all, but still put that fake smile on my face and take care of the boys, who are... this very moment my only reason for living. Yes, I know alarming words but... don't worry I guess if I'm aware of my "depression" at times then it can't really be as bad right?? I'm also quite aware and have accepted that all these feeling are normal, and I should just let them come and go, some days are very happy and productive....and others are very dark and filled with pain, just gotta let it roll I guess. In a way I'm glad that I'm a bit of an optimistic pessimist...if there is such a thing, but overall we're doing ok, I just hate the fact that he is gone and all the things that he still had to live for he didn't... basically he got the short end of the stick, and that pisses me off... and I'm allowed that much anger right???

Well once again thanks for lending an ear or two, and thanks for sticking around for my posts, I know it's not one of those inspiring, perky blog pages that most of us like to visit, but I hope that in some way all these words will find a place in your hearts and can help if ever you find yourselves in a dark place in life.

love...peace...joy...

as requested... a few facts about Gag

2009-09-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

A few posts ago, I had an anonymous reader request that I do a post about Gagik's character, about the things he felt strongly about, his motto in life, the words he lived by....

So today marks two month since he flew away, I though it would be a great opportunity to do this. I have talked a lot about him in my past posts, especially in the early days of blogging and the days that were the toughest for us. I also wrote a poem about him which pretty much sums up who he was as a person. So, lets see....

I'll start by saying that he was a very practical man with logic behind every decision he made in life (except the one about marrying me :) he was head over heals in love and we all know logic has no chance against love, but it was a wise decision... we both thought. He was a deep thinker, but didn't always engage in deep conversations. He loved being around friends and family, and enjoyed the simple things that life had to offer...be it a glass of vino with some good friends, or being around the BBQ grill with a nice cold shot of vodka, sharing a few good laughs... or a simple cup of coffee with me.

He expressed love freely, but never really smothered you with too much of it, he also never had any conflicts with anyone (everyone that knows him can vouch for that), this is not to say that he never disagreed at times, but knew when to push his point and when to let it go... which is something we should all strive for (hmmm perhaps that's why we never really had a fight, people can vouch for that too :).

He was a big family man and yet enjoyed his time with friends as well, which I encouraged (hey... men gotta do their guy things once in a while right), he felt the same when it came to me and my girlfriends, I think that's very healthy for a relationship. Being a dad was his greatest joy, because he grew up without a father, he was always determined to be the best at it... and he was. As a husband he was a very patient and loving man, never nit-picked at little things, hey I'm not perfect and I'm sure sometimes I did things that upset him, but once again like he always said..."never mind the little things", he always supported my decisions, we did run a business together for 17 years and quite successfully might I add. He wasn't a "romantic" person, the way society depicts romance to be, which is so far from reality, but he was always affectionate and his thinking on that was.... "if I'm going to be a jerk to you all year long and then get you a dozen red roses for Valentine's day, then that's not really love". And that's exactly how I feel about it, we were very loving all the time so there were no special occasions for us to "celebrate".

He was a man of his word and went out of his way for people who needed his help, and that wasn't just for friends and family, he had a great compassion for his fellow man. A calm life was all he would dream of, he was very easy going and tried to keep a harmonious relationship with everyone and for everyone. He was a firm believer of moderation in all aspects of his life, and tried to pass that message on to everyone whenever he could.

As a friend he was a great listener, which made him a terrific friend, he was always there when you needed him but, didn't bombard you with advise you didn't need, and never judged you, all excellent qualities in a friend (his closest friends can vouch for this too).

He believed in trial and error and letting kids explore their own possibilities and yet was a very cautious parent. He appreciated all the little blessings every day in his life, and gave a 110% to whatever he was involved in at any time...

Did this guy have no flaws you ask??? Well he was human and I'm sure he did... but I sure wasn't going to nit-pick at them, I guess the good outweighed the bad most of the time... oh wait I got one...
He loved to sleep in and not that this is a flaw... but me... a morning person... him a total night owl, you couldn't pay him enough to get up early, unless he had a golf game scheduled or was going fishing... of course he never ate the fish he caught, hated all sea food, and feta cheese, unbelievable considering he was half Greek huh?

The other thing everyone loved about him was his happy attitude in life, no matter how bad of a day he had, if you asked him how he was... his answer was always the same... "spectacular"... "terrific"... and he meant it too. The cutest part of his character, I loved... was when he was in a crowd he wasn't familiar with or uncomfortable in, he would always start cracking jokes and that is exactly why he was the life of any party, actually that's exactly how he reeled me in.... his sense of humor... he could make me laugh like no one has, so all you single guys out there, remember the ladies love a man that can make them laugh. He loved it when I laughed especially with a good chuckle.

As I've mentioned before...he wasn't big on words but showed his ideals in life with his actions.
His mother and sister were a very important part of his life, he always worried about them and tried to do the best he could to make them happy, after he lost his dad, at 10, he felt that he needed to protect them at all coast, which made him a very carrying person... I guess it's true... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, the tough times he went through made him who he was, I'm a true believer that we are all the product of our lives and experiences.

Well, I hope you all got to know Gag a little better now, and here is the thing, he was a great man, and is missed tremendously by all who knew him...I know how hard it has been to go on with our lives without this happy, smiling person, so all of our friends and family who read my blog, but rarely comment or if you do it's usually on my link on facebook.... today I want all of you guys out there to leave a few words here, and tell us your thoughts about him, I want my blog friends to hear what you have to say, so don't be shy and speak up, do it for Gag...

By the way... I always proofread my posts out loud...just in case he is listening , we all know how he loved when I read my blog to him....:)

love...peace...joy...

what a roller coaster.....

2009-09-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

What a roller coaster of a weekend we had...

Talk about too many "highs" and "lows" all condensed into one weekend... Not that our days are not filled with a lot of these peeking emotions lately. On any given day I go from crying out loud to laughing out loud within minutes, or may be really sad one moment and singing to a song on the radio while tears roll down my cheeks the next...

But, for some reason I feel really exhausted from the emotional whirlwind of this weekend.

our shop

I started a renovation project at our shop, and the first stage went very smoothly and a lot was accomplished, but not without the ever constant flow of tears. Being there on a weekend, painting walls... tearing old things down to be replaced by the new ones.... just brought back so many memories of Gag, this is what we did over the years, on some weekends together. So, as happy and excited as I was for taking care of the things that have been needing some serious attention, I caught myself just staring at something we built together and realizing how much I miss him... then the tears would roll again....

Arman's first year playing

Then there was the first futball game of the season, and once again as much as I was filled with joy to see Arman out on the field, playing the game he loves, armed with his goalie gloves....it was still very painful being there, as this was something we used to do as a family... throughout the whole game I kept hearing Gag's voice giving directions to the boys, cheering them on, and joking around with the parents on the sidelines. It was an evening game, his favorite time of the day to play...as the sun was setting, he would say "this is the best light for pictures, get your camera ready love".... then the lights would come on and the game took on a whole different stage, playing under the lights was what he called a "real game". I kept thinking... finally the boys have gotten older and the game they play has taken on a more serious tone, not a bunch of six year olds chasing after the ball anymore... this is when he would've enjoyed it so much more...and he's not here to reap the fruits of his tree....

But the most emotional part of the weekend was when I took his mom to visit the grave site. She is ill, has been for most of her life, three open heart surgeries and a life of struggle raising two kids without her husband on her side, so being as weak and fragile, she wasn't present for any of the ceremonies and hadn't visited the cemetery till now, it would just be too painful for her. But, on Saturday morning I get a call from her at the shop, as I'm covered in paint... she told me that she wants to visit him, right then... so I dropped everything and took her to see her one and only son's tombstone. I shouldn't have to tell you what a difficult thing it was for her to be there and for me to witness it and not be able to give her any comfort, because no matter what you say to a mother who's lost a child... nothing can give her peace.

So, overall .... like I said a very emotional weekend, filled with high moments and very low moments, boy I tell you this grief business is quite exhausting and can drain you of all your energy. But, we still go on, still have to overcome each moment for Gag's sake, for the boys sake... for just keeping his memory alive and to make him proud of all the things that we achieve on a daily basis. We miss him, there is no doubt, the boys sleep by my side from time to time.... I don't think it's to comfort me or just because my bed is bigger and more comfortable, but because they miss dad, and sleeping on "his side" of the bed makes them feel a bit closer perhaps, they don't know how to express their grief and pain any other way...

So, another Monday... time to regroup and get to living... things to be done, to be seen, to be experienced... must... keep... going...

love...peace...joy....

little Tokyo...

2009-09-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

we had a lovely afternoon at little Tokyo yesterday.
the boys had been wanting to go back to
the "best noodle house ever"... according to them.

I have to admit... it was pretty good, they have anything
from mild to burning volcano hot, three
different flavored soups with all the extras you want.
notice how it says "eat at your own risk".. they weren't
kidding, I had the #2 and wow, felt like a fire was
slowly smoldering inside my mouth.

mind you the portions are huge, could feed a family of four,
I couldn't even eat half of it,
Arman's friend Khalid was
the only brave one to eat it all...
and he had the #1, ouch..

the boys and their friends were in heaven

apparently that guy from "man vs food" has
made an appearance here and has won this
challenge, amongst other brave souls.

we did some book shopping....
it was Japanese anime heaven...
I had to drag the boys out of this store.

the skies above us were beautiful,
the weather was perfect
so we walked around a bit
took pictures (only yours truly of course)...
and watched the most beautiful sunset through the
downtown skyline on our drive home.
A good day for the boys and mom :)

love... peace... joy...

got nothing...

2009-09-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

i don't really have anything for you guys today... but did want to share a beautiful song....

"a brotherhood of men".... what an amazing concept...
unfortunately religious differences will keep mankind segregated forever... and that is a sad thought...

peace...

the things we saw (part 2)

2009-09-10T08:27:00.001-07:00

this is a sink hole at Ik Kil where we jumped
off of that platform (about 20feet) into the
cold and refreshing water

a place to chill and clear your mind

a church in Via Dolid
(I have a better shot of the church, but I liked
the movement in this one better, took it from the bus)

a couple enjoying a nice dinner by the bay
while I sat in the balcony enjoying the sunset...
thinking of Gag...

amazing sunsets... every evening

lights overhead at dinner time...
doesn't get any better than this...

souvenirs galore..... I bought nothing
(not really the souvenir type :)

a show every night, this one was terrific

sand art by Robert
(the kid likes to create no matter where he is, what can I say)

this is Tulum, what a beautiful place
(Mayan ruins right on a cliff by the big blue)

dinner for two
a few couples enjoyed a romantic evening here
under the stars....
(must have been nice)

So there you have it, some more images to share with you all.... you feel like you went on vacation with us??? :)

p.s. please excuse the dirt all over my camera lens.... I wasn't really paying attention...

love... peace... joy...

the game...

2009-09-09T10:48:00.001-07:00

So here we were... players, coaches, referees, parents, and family members,
gathered on a Sunday afternoon
(the first day that the smoke had actually cleared up),
all there for one purpose... to remember a great coach, and to honor him by
playing a clean game, to have fun and play from the heart.
T-shirt were made especially for this event for the player to wear
that said:
"In memory of coach Jerry Mansourian
September 6, 2009"

a moment of silence before the game

I took the place of coach Jerry for an
after game snapshot.... this will remain in our
hearts forever...

loyal coach Jerry fans
(thanks Mardy for making these t-shirts and in Gag's fave color)

a jersey was signed by all the players
for us to take home and remember this day by

and here I am... filled with tears of joy and pain.

I wore Gag's favorite cap (which still smells like him).

He always wore a cap on the field, so one day
when he showed up without one... the kids (10 at the time)
were surprised.... one of them yelled out....
"But coach... you're bald!"
what a good laugh we all had that day...

So glad I had enough battery power to at least take a few shots. The special moment of the event though was at snack time, after the game, as I gathered everyone to thank them for putting together this great event... I wanted to make sure that they knew what a memorable day this was for us, and how deeply they touched our hearts, and how proud the coach would be of them.

A few coaches had some things to share as well about the way Gag was on and off the field, and what an important part of the organization he was. So, I wanted to hear from the boys, and asked if any of them had a fond memory with the coach that they would like to share... and what happened was amazing... one by one they got up and told a story or two about this coach they loved so much.... It was truly an honor to be there, and to hear everyone talk about Gag with such high regard, I think it was even more important for our boys to hear all this about their dad. Arman did play that day... and just as I had thought, it motivated him to play this season, and that makes me very happy and I'm sure makes dad very proud.

Gag was there... we could feel him walking up and down the field watching the game he loved... played the way he would have wanted.

I guess we will take part in this seasons games once again... looking forward to our weekends on the field.

love...peace...joy...

getting harder....

2009-09-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tough... it seems like just when we feel strong enough to stand again.... there is yet another milestone to cross. The vacation, as lovely as it was, still reminded us that he's missed tremendously. Then came our anniversary, which was a pretty tough day, we were flying back that day, and all through the flight I kept thinking....who would have though... 17 years ago we were dancing, enjoying that happy day together... and here we were, the boys and I flying back alone from a trip, having just lost him....

Then of course came his birthday just a few days later, and that only cut into the wounds deeper, reassuring us all that.... no doubt he is gone forever from our lives. Yes, he is in our hearts and has left many good memories to cherish....but he is no longer with us, we can no longer hold him or sit and talk to him.

The game on Sunday, once again as great of an event as it was to celebrate the achievements he's had and the many lives he's touched.... was again a reminder of the void that's left. To hear all the young players and the coaches talk about how he made a difference in that organization was a great honor for all of us and yet again cut into the wounds, making them ever more deeper and the pain even more horrendous.

So, as we try and move forward and try to heal these wounds, we will time and time again be reminded of this giant loss in our lives, and that only makes things harder to accept. How can we nurse these wounds and mend our broken hearts with the constant milestones that remind us of how great of a man he was and how tough the road ahead without him will be....

This path seems to get only harder and harder to walk....

As promised I will do a post about the game and what a great event it was, how wonderful of a time was had, how heart warming a words were said.... and how deep of a pain was felt by all.
But, for today... I had to let you all know how I was feeling and needed to get this out.

Once again thanks for lending me an ear and a shoulder to cry on with my constant flow of tears...

love...peace...

something special

2009-09-06T00:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow at 4pm at the Glendale Sports Complex, where we've had many futball (soccer for all you yanks :) games headed by Coach Jerry, something special will take place.

Some 37 young boys have volunteered their time on this long weekend to play a friendly game to honer their coach. All of these boys have at one point or another been coached by Gagik. The soccer organization and some of the coaches who have worked with him have put this together, I'm so touched by this event.

It will be a difficult day for all of us, as I step on that field, all the memories of past games will come into mind, the way he would pace back and fourth on the side lines yelling out instructions, and the post game "high fives" between the boys and him.... Arman will be participating in this game as well, and I'm sure it will be an emotional game for him too, but I know he will play with his heart for dad.

I will be without my camera tomorrow (I've left my battery charger in Mexico, so till they ship it back to me... I'm stuck with no toy), this may be a good thing.. I love the game with a passion and I'll be sitting on my chair, just enjoying this special game tomorrow. Watching the little faces that have grown into young teen boys, playing the game that coach has given so many pointers on.... I know he's touched their lives in so many ways in the past years, and tomorrow their young heart will touch our lives forever. I'm so grateful for that.

The following weekend will mark the beginning of the new season, it will be the first in eleven years which we will not take part in. We loved this time of the year, a game every Saturday, which meant a late Friday night for the coach. I can just see him now, sitting in the balcony, going over line-up card and game plan, rearranging the players over and over again. He loved this game, and he loved coaching, I can honestly say it was one of his greatest passions in life. He'll be enjoying the game tomorrow as well, except he will probably have the best seat in the house.

I'll post the details of the game and the images on my mind from tomorrow.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend...

love...peace...joy...

10 things you need to know....

2009-09-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

Well it would appear that I have been tagged by the lovely Janet over at "Are we there yet" for a list of 10 things about yours truly that you guys don't know about and are missing out because of it ;)

So here we are....

#1. I love the water... I can live on a boat for the rest of my life without getting bored

#2. I think the reason I love the water so much is because I was conceived on a boat in the water (ooooh hope mom's not reading today ;)

#3. I don't like cold weather and especially snow... cringe... I think snow is nice only when you're inside, by the fireplace looking out the window, even as a kid I couldn't stand it.

#4. I love a stiff drink now and then, because wine just will not do sometimes, (I've revealed that about me here before).

#5. I still attack and bombard my boys with kisses, even though they're teenagers (just not in public)...hey my answer is... like Bill Cosby said..."I brought you into this world and I can take you right out".... so there

#6. I'm in heaven when I'm baking... is it the flour... the butter... the fact that I'm in it with my hands....is it the smell all over the house.... who cares... I'm just in pure joy and peace inside.

#7. I am a big morning person, no matter what time I go to bed, I'm up early and with lots of energy.

#8. No... I'm not going to reveal my height and weight (like some bloggers did), but I will say that I've put on some pounds... and since I love food and am not willing to cut anything out of my diet... loosing those pounds is going to be an interesting challenge.

#9. I absolutely hate texting, I'd rather talk to someone on the other line, but still do it as it is just convenient at times.

drumrolllll.....

#10. I was incredibly shy, unpopular and a bit of a dork in High School, didn't talk to anyone really... ya unbelievable right... now I can't stop talking...

and there you have it, now I'm supposed to pass this on to 10 other bloggers... wow that's a big number.... let's see

1. Christina at "Soul Aperture"
2. Jane at Spain Daily
3. Shannon at Recovering from a life not lived
4. Dash at Pursuing me
5. Deb at Sojourner
6. How about we leave this one for all the Blog Camp ladies, both Denmark and Reno

Join in and play even if I haven't tagged you, just let us know here, so we can come check out your lists.

have a great weekend everyone.

love... peace... joy...

the things we saw (part 1)

2009-09-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

the beach in the morning light

surrounded by beauties like this

the view from our balcony

Mayan woman selling hand made handkerchiefs

ball court at Chichen Itza

Chichen Itza
(Arman calls this one "Apocalypto")

a little dancing show after the tour

Hope you enjoyed, I'll have some more up next week.

love... peace... joy...

Happy 49th Gagik

2009-09-02T09:07:00.001-07:00

Today is his birthday, and interestingly enough it fell on a Wednesday this year (you all know how I feel about Wednesdays...) so a tough day ahead.. and an even tougher night behind me.

I didn't get much sleep last night, just too much pain and tears. I tried very hard to remember the great moments we've shared together and the many happy occasions we've enjoyed.... but the only images that haunted me all night as my tears soaked into the pillow, were of his last days. The pain he endured, the falls he took, the fear in his eyes, the horror he must have felt knowing the end is so near.

I've tried, in the past month or so, not to think of those days as they give me so much pain, so it looks like they all came to me at once... I guess I had to face them someday. As I look back now and think about those moments, it hurts so much.... all I can think of is how terrifying it must have been for him... to feel yourself deteriorate like that... to know that you're leaving this world and everyone you love behind.... And he never once talked about it, or even showed what he was feeling inside.... and all that was done for us. As I've said before, I always tried to be strong for him and he was always protecting me and the boys,and everyone else around him, so that we don't feel the hell that he was in. So much strength... can a person really be that strong?

The memory of his last gaze is imprinted in my mind forever.... I can never forget that moment we shared just a few hours before he flew away. He wasn't awake too much the last few days, and when we moved him that day he opened his eyes (I'm so glad I was next to him that very moment), I got very close and looked right into his eyes, they looked dazed and distant...but I knew he could see and hear me and I spoke to him from my heart as he gazed deeply into my eyes... I knew that he was happy to see my smiling face one last time, I made sure that this would be the last image on his mind and not of my crying, sad eyes. I'm happy to have been able to give him that and happy to have had the chance to say my last loving words to him. And then he was gone....

I spoke to his mom last night, and the images that played in her mind all day yesterday were of the day she gave birth to him... the hours of labor... the happy moments after birth, the excitement of his dad knowing he just had a son. For a mother it's an entirely different kind of pain... the years you spent nurturing that child, the years of bringing him up through difficult times, to see him grow into a great man and to endure the pain of his death before yours.... that is unimaginable....

I guess she was there during his entrance into this world... and I was there for his exit...

I had planned to share some happy stories with you all on this day.... but this is what I'm feeling today....

Happy Birthday my love, we miss you ever more today than any other day...

love...peace...joy....

random thoughts from beach side

2009-08-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

When you find yourself lounging around with nothing to do... nowhere to be... you need to entertain yourself right??? And how does one do this? If surrounded by lots of people... do what I do... the next best thing to gossip... people watching (Gag and I loved to do this).
Ok, first you will need the necessary gear: dark sunglasses (so people can't tell where your eyes are lurking about); a margarita on the rocks (or beverage of choice); some sort of reading material (just to look busy); and music if you like a soundtrack to go with the picture :). You're set, now sit back and just enjoy....

So, here are some of the things I observed during this session of people watching, while I sipped on my drink, taking in the sun and the gorgeous view in front of me.... mind you some of these issues really tick me off... or grind my gears if you will... ok ...

#1.. This is what I don't get about people (well just one of the things)... they pay loads of money to fly miles away to a dreamy destination with white sandy beaches and turquoise water... only to spend 90% of their time there in the POOL!!! They choose the chlorine filled, sweat, mucus and pee infested water (ya... you think those kids are actually going to come out of the pool to pee... or the drunk adults for that matter?... don't think so).
So what is it, that draws them to the pool??? The wet bar??? You can get your drinks delivered beach side too people... I just don't get it... oh well to each his own, all I'm saying is... why then, go to the Caribbean? You can just stay at a Comfort Inn somewhere in Oklahoma.. and just hang out at the pool (not that there is anything wrong with Oklahoma...)
And this time we didn't only have the sand and the turquoise water... we had our own private little reef, where you could snorkel for free and see marine life with all it's beauty, like barracudas... colorful tropical fish... lovely corals etc. etc... I just don't get it...

#2..And this really pisses me off... it's sad to say that this one I have noticed more from the American tourists than any other countrymen. Why oh why can't we be nicer to the staff, to the people that work their butts off to make sure that your "all inclusive" vacation goes smoothly and that all your needs are met. Wow... I can't tell you how many times I've held myself back from slapping someone upside down for giving an attitude to someone who is trying to do the best they can for you.
And this "American" arrogance we have... the attitude that we are the best in the world and everyone else is crap... just needs to go away. Please, why do we need to be rude and talk down to people just because they live in another country, or just because they clean your room, your table at the restaurant, or are there only to see to your needs??? They deserve just as much respect as any fellow human being.... Stop it ok? And just for the record... some of our bus drivers in Mexico knew more about world affairs than most people in this country... sorry to say we've got our head so far up our a-- that we have no time for the world...
Ok I better stop here... don't want to get in trouble ;) Oh and one more thing... just because gratuities are not mandatory at an all inclusive resort... doesn't mean you can't still tip them...

#3... This one is more on a personal level...
I watched a couple sitting close together on the beach, mumbling something to each other... and I thought how cute... they're so in love... probably whispering sweet nothings to one another... how romantic. Of course I got teary... I missed Gag right then. But, a few moments went by and I realized that they were actually arguing... and it escalated to the point where she got up and walked away...(wow you must think I'm one of those nosy neighbors huh). This really got me thinking... what could have been so important to argue over... to get in the way of that beautiful moment....
You're sitting just steps away from this beautiful water, the sun was starting to set, so the light was casting golden hues on all things... you're on vacation... miles away from your worries, hopefully sitting next to someone you care a great deal about.... so what could be that important to cast a shadow on that very moment? Who knows... I guess if you are not happy in your personal life... it doesn't matter where you are, those problems will not go away.
I wish people would just stop fussing over little, insignificant things, and just really see every moment for it's beauty, really grasp it and inhale... how sad for those who can't understand that...

Well I won't bore you with more of the random observations I made... instead I'll just leave you with one more thought about our human race...
What is it about free alcohol.... people just can't seem to control the amount that goes in their mouths... watching drunk people attempting to play beach volleyball... now that was fun... what a scene.

I'll be posting some of our pictures later this week. Remember when bored... just watch people around you... great entertainment.

Love...Peace...Joy...

back to reality....

2009-08-30T14:03:00.001-07:00

Here we are back home... back to reality. So much has happened in that puny little week we were gone....wow I guess life doesn't stop just cause you're out of town :) Never a dull moment in LA, the view from the plane and on the road home was of a city lost in all the smoke from the fires of the past few days. This picture might not show the mushroom like cloud of smoke that looked as though it would devour downtown LA at any moment. This morning that smoke had spread all over the city and ash covered everything in sight... like I said never a dull moment...

Well... smokey air or not we still visited Gag this morning, and I guess he's been busy too... the tombstone has been placed, it looks beautiful (if it can be called that)... but it is perfect, a simple stone for a simple guy. I guess it's been set in stone now... no more denying this reality... I'm still pissed that he is gone... but like he always said... "it is what it is"... and there isn't a thing we can do about it... We took some flowers, and a mortadella sandwich.... why you ask?? That's what he asked from me when he visited me in my dream the other night, the first time I've seen him in a dream since he left (strange request... but a request from him nonetheless)...

And... as I went through my mail this morning (the regular paper mail.. you know that gets delivered by a mailman)... I found a couple of cards addressed to me from my lovely blog buddies, how sweet is that?? One was from Julochka, all the way in Denmark, and the other from Ali in the beautiful state of Georgia. Can you guess which one is Julie's? :) Ali also included a little notepad that's too cute, now every time I'm jotting something down I'll be thinking of you darlin. Both had some beautiful words for me, both are awesome ladies and have been great supportive blog friends, I hope someday to join them at Blog Camp and really get to know them in person.

The last little heart warming surprise was yet another award, given to me by another great blog friend, Shannon. Thank you my dear, this award really made me smile inside.

So, it would appear that life does go on... whether you're present or not. But of course it makes it so much better when you are "present", and have your mind, eyes, and heart open to see all that is happening around you.
Our trip was very nice, all of us got a lot of rest and had oodles of fun which I'll go into with details on another day, it was a much needed getaway.... and yet coming home to all the smiling faces of family is always such a bonus. And as harsh as this reality is that we've come back to.... it is still life... our life... filled with much beauty, joy, sadness, pain, and great memories... so we move onward now... with a little more energy and strength.

love...peace...joy...

a kiss to build a dream on...

2009-08-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the 29th of August.... it would have been our 17th wedding anniversary....

We danced to this lovely song on our wedding, it was our first dance as a married couple, and as we swayed to the tune, and the crowd disappeared... we talked about the beautiful life we were starting... and the dreams that we had.... we were so happy....
And we did.... live some of those dreams together... shared a beautiful life for 17 years...and as much as my heart aches now.... I feel so fortunate for having had him in my life... the love we have.... is timeless.

The words to this song have an entirely new meaning for me now... because you see... he did...he gave me one last "kiss before he left me... and my imagination will feed my hungry heart".....

Enjoy the song.... Louis is brilliant....

love...

Got a "Love Ya Award"

2009-08-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

well... it would appear that while on vacation... I have been tagged with the "Love Ya Award" from a great fellow blogger rxBambi, thank you darlin.

Here are the rules:

"This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

so here is my list, all well deserving blogs :)

Deb at SOJOURNER
Shannon (an open heart) at Recovery from a life not lived
the beautiful Christina from Soul Aperture
Janet over at Are we there yet?
Philip at Repair, Learn and Live
Susan C. at Cancer Banter
Dash at Pursuing Me
and last but not least Ali at Inner Rambling of a Mid Life Mama, she can also be found at Little Pink Clock.

tough to pick out just 8, congrats bloggers... now tag you're it.

love....peace....joy....

beauty

2009-08-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

beauty is all around us,
open your hearts,
open your minds,
open your eyes,
breath it all in.

Buenos dias...

2009-08-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

Even though I had a scheduled post for today... just wanted to check in and say buenos dias to you guys...

Asides from some minor setbacks earlier, I'm happy to report that we are doing much better now...For the moment it's just me and Robert in the room, waiting for a house call from the doc, it would appear that Robert had a reaction to a fly bite, his arm is a bit swollen, but he'll be fine, nothing a little Cortisone and Zyrtec can't fix.

Arman, with no surprise to any of us... has once again gathered a social club of a few teens (7 boys and a couple of girls..."hoties") and is the organizer of their activities... my little social butterfly... so needless to say he is having a blast, we hardly see him during the day, just at meal times, and that's fine, as long as he's having fun.

Now on to yours truly.... well.... not realizing how white I am... and how long the sun hasn't seen some parts of my body.... with all the sunscreen, I still got sunburned in a few spots, but it's not too bad. You tend to lose track of time when you are swimming in that turquoise Caribbean water, with tropical fish just all around you... the boys and I were out there for hours snorkeling, Rob trying to catch fish with his own bare hands... a must see experience :)
I'm also happy to report that as lame as I though the pool aerobics looked... I actually had a good time and made the boys laugh a lot, when I jumped in and joined a semi drunk group of seniors as they attempted to copy the instructor's moves... that was the most fun I had in a long time...

Anyways... we're really enjoying every moment of our adventure so far.... even the down parts.... we've bonded and opened up to each other, and that's the whole idea behind this trip.

We're off to Chichen Itza tomorrow, which should be a great experience, then we have Tulum on Thursday and a Mayan Adventure tour on Friday which includes stops at a great snorkeling lagoon, an under ground cavern, and a 12foot dive into a sink hole (mayan cenotes).

Looking forward to all the adventures we have planned, I most likely will not report back here, but still have a couple of posts scheduled for you all, thanks for sticking around and checking on us :)

love...peace....joy...

a quote....

2009-08-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

"However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? " ----Buddha

the first day....

2009-08-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

Day one was a tough one....
It started with the window seat... as I saw Arman looking out with a huge smile on his face... it reminded me of how Gag would get glued to that tiny window as the plane took off (his favorite part of the flight), and would open the screen every now and then during flight to see the world from above. The four and a half hour flight went by pretty fast as I was lost in thought...memories and drowning in my tears.. Arman slept while Robert found comfort in his sketch pad and pencil.

We settled into our room... the view from the balcony was so beautiful, the pool and the small harbor on one side and the blue Caribbean sea on the other. None of us wanted to leave the room (we were pretty tired, no sleep the night before.) So we retreated under the down comforters... ordered room service and entertained ourselves with a movie.

As I watched the sunset sitting in the balcony... the pool side lounge was playing some jazzy tunes Gag would have appreciated. My eye glanced over at a table in the harbor side restaurant where a couple was enjoying the music, sipping on some wine.... here too I thought of him and how he would have loved that corner table...sitting there for hours, sharing a nice bottle of red, and a well made steak... conversing and swaying to the melody of the evening with me....

We are feeling a little better today... must enjoy the beauty that's around us...

It's obvious that the laptop made it with us on the trip... but... it will not be taking too much time from us... we are off to lounge on the beach all day... the boys will be deciding on what tours they want to go on...so we'll be busy doing the whole "tourist" thing, but will report back in at times.

Adios my friends

love... peace...joy...

(no images to share yet)

and we're off...

2009-08-22T02:08:00.001-07:00

wow... what a day...too much to do, too little time... especially when you tend to procrastinate like yours truly here... after running a whole lot of errands, taking care of things at the shop for next week... I was nowhere near being packed by the evening..... of course I also had a foot massage planned with sis Niky (Gag's sister) without realizing that it's the night before we leave, and that I would probably be packing...but who says no to a food massage no matter how busy you are right.....not me. Ahhh pure heaven, 45 minutes of Thai foot massage, followed by 45 minutes of body massage. If you guys haven't had a Thai massage yet.. oh you are missing out... It is like a yoga session and a deep tissue massage all wrapped into one... like I said pure heaven..

Needless to say I came home relaxed and calm... not the state I needed to be in, considering it was close to 10pm and I still had a couple of loads of laundry to do and still had not a thing in the suitcases. I had hoped that the boys would've made some progress with their own packing.... but ya... sure... come on, teen boys??? Arman said just pack me my swim trunks and that's all I need, oh and of course his i-pod.

So... it's almost 2 am.. done with packing and decided to put down some words for you guys. We're finally running away from home... for a nice relaxing holiday, to get some rest, bond, enjoy each other fully, have some fun and see some new places. We have to leave home in a couple of hours...so why sleep when there is facebook to keep you company right :) The boys are really looking forward to going... they love anywhere there is water, so they'll get to swim around while mom hangs on the sand with a nice book in one hand and a margarita in the other... hoping to have a view of the big blue right in front of me....ahhh sounds devine.

I'm a bit excited, a bit nervous...and a bit sad... it is our first trip without Gag, and not a lot of time has passed so, I know there will be moments of sadness...but we'll just deal with it. As a friend said to me today.... this is the first step in creating memories in this new life we have....just the three of us.

I've scheduled a few posts for you all, apparently some of you miss me when I don't write, well.....we can't have that now can we?
And as much as we had decided not to take any hand held games or the laptop... that debate is still on as we speak... can these addicted mother and children go away without the laptop??? Stay tuned.....

I'll miss the cyber world... it has been a good friend for some time... can we survive without it for a whole week???? yikes that is a scary thought :)

love...peace...joy...