Tuesday, June 22, 2010

feeling broken

I've stopped writing, not so much because I have nothing to share anymore, but mostly because I've been letting my emotions get the better of me. I wallow a bit, and let it just subside, and perhaps I got tyred of expressing myself deeply, if that makes any sense.

But here I am, once again sulking, drowning in my tears, a day after fathers day.... It was a bad day, and we've had other "special" days that we miss him more than usual, but yesterday was possibly the worse I felt in months. Seeing our boys sitting at dad's grave, looking sad, hurt, somewhat alone and cheated out of life, holding their tears back.... was such a painful thing. What can a mother do to make such a pain go away?... With all that I do for them, all the comforting words, and hugs, with all the love that they get from me and our family, nothing...nothing will ever take away that pain they feel inside. They have been broken as we all have and no matter what we do, we will never be able to put ourselves back just right ever again...

Broken we are..broken we feel..but we must accept this new norm and try to pull it together as much as possible to live...and live fully, for that's what he would want.



  1. I so understand this feeling, I had a horrible fathers day, and that feeling of not feeling right, I don't know if we will ever feel okay again. I wish I had answers for you, I do send prayers for strength to get through this, as long as it may take. as someone in blogland told me, vent if I must and face all my ups and downs. I am only speaking on this me loosing my father. I can not imagine how it would be loosing your husband to cancer. I hope one day things are easier for you. prayers to you and your family.

  2. Thank you for sharing your feelings so candidly and succinctly Mari. I won't even attempt to brighten you up, as that would disrespect where you are now. Just know you are loved and being held in my heart at this difficult time. Liz xoxo

  3. Hugs from me too. Please don't stop writing. We need you.

  4. I've got to know you through this blog. You are a strong woman, and a wonderful mother. Keep sharing your feelings. Hugs

  5. It must be the worst pain, seeing your boys' hurt and there is nothing you can do. but you're so brave and candid to be upfront about it, and that's the best way I'm sure. No point trying to sugar coat it, it's much better to try to accept the dreadful truth of it all...as horribly hard as that is.

    I miss your writing though. But it's good to take a breather, and just do what's right for you.

    Hugs to you xxx

  6. there isn't a day i don't think of you all. fathers day, on a wednesday... i always keep G. in my heart. always.
    i send you peace and love

  7. i am here late ... but i am here ... it is so hard parenting through loss .. know that you are doing the right thing ...they HAD to sit at his grave and cry ...so hard but so healing...YOU can do this YOU have done well so far...