I have not put words down for some time now, not really sure why.... perhaps because I have more on my plate or on my mind I should say then usual, perhaps this "writing your feelings down" thing got a little mundane and unsatisfying as well... like I said I'm not really sure.. But, tonight I guess I feel I have some things to share with those of you who have been with me through this tough journey, and for those still listening.
I recently made a trip to Armenia, where both Gagik and I were born, funny we even come from the same neighborhood but never met till years after we had both moved here... small world. The reason for my journey there was to bring some of his ashes to the Seminary where he had spent some years as a young student. This was not part of the requests he had for us, this was something I wanted to do for him, because every time he spoke of those short 4 years he spent there... he seemed happy and had fond memories from there, so I wanted to bring a part of him back to that happy place...I made this trip with his sister, which I think was very significant for both of us, we shared something very special, and only we knew what this meant to us, how we really felt each step of the way and we each found some peace inside in our own individual way. Glad to have done this, glad to have done it this way and everything turned out perfect... exactly how I had pictured it in my mind time and time again. Even the fundraiser I had in his honer found it's way to the perfect place to make a difference...
I then joined my family for some much needed rest and fun in Greece. But, this trip to Greece didn't only serve as a relaxation retreat or a well spent quality time with my boys, it did a lot more for me... For a few weeks we felt like a "normal" family, and by "normal" I mean not a family dealing with loss, having to question our feelings, or figuring out which stage of grief we were going through. Yes an important member of the family was still missing and he was on my mind constantly, but... we were in a very different place, surrounded by the unfamiliar, a place that didn't have flashes of memories attached to every corner.. And this felt good, it gave us a sense.. as false as it was, but a sense of a different reality, one that didn't belong to us, or the past... if that makes any sense...
As much as I enjoyed that feeling, that lightened load from the pain on my heart... it scared me as well. For several solitary moments I actually visualized moving there, away from everything that was back home, everything that reminded me of the past. It made so much sense to me, I could finally understand why people sometimes wanted a fresh start after certain events in their lives. I even replayed different scenarios in my head of how I would live this life here with my boys next to me, and it seemed like a great idea and a beautiful picture in my head...
But let's face it, the void inside will still be there and so will the pain... so running away from it wont really fix anything, not for long anyways. And as much as I long for the change it's possibly the worse thing for the boys right now. I think the familiar and the routine of their life is what helps them cope with their pain. Speaking of the boys (you all know I don't like discussing their feeling here that much), they are doing ok, I think they will process all this on a different level and at different times in their lives, I don't think they have faced it or dealt with the loss of their father just yet, but they are teen boys and not much on expressing themselves through words. But again being around family, friends and living their lives is whats good for them now.
As for me, I guess I'm doing ok too, it has been 2 years now, I still see his smiling face every time I close my eyes. I sill miss him terribly and still want to share my last thoughts for the day and still long for his warm embrace... Had an anniversary just a couple of days ago, it would have been 19 years of marriage and a great one! On this subject... I have great memories with him, I think I was a good wife and partner and he was happy with me, I'm glad it was me who took care of him till the last days of his life. I feel in peace about that, but as a woman I still feel very much married and still in love with my husband, who.. yes.. is no longer with us but still very much a part of my life...
So... I can't really start over, no rewind button either, no erasing the past... not even sure I'd want to... But what we can do is move forward equipped with all the strength this experience has given us. There is no doubt that loosing him did not change me or the boys. We'll never be the same anymore yes, but we can be so much better... These kind of things are usually called life altering because they really are, some people have a hard time surviving and loose their spirit in the chaos of it all... but I'd like to think and have actually noticed myself that the change that this brought to us made us all that much stronger and more importantly more aware of what matters most in life. That big change we search for requires no relocation... it's already happened within us and it makes no difference where we live or what we see and feel every day... we are already living a different life!
As for Greece... that still remains my happy place and perhaps one day in the future I can call it home...
Love Peace Joy
I recently made a trip to Armenia, where both Gagik and I were born, funny we even come from the same neighborhood but never met till years after we had both moved here... small world. The reason for my journey there was to bring some of his ashes to the Seminary where he had spent some years as a young student. This was not part of the requests he had for us, this was something I wanted to do for him, because every time he spoke of those short 4 years he spent there... he seemed happy and had fond memories from there, so I wanted to bring a part of him back to that happy place...I made this trip with his sister, which I think was very significant for both of us, we shared something very special, and only we knew what this meant to us, how we really felt each step of the way and we each found some peace inside in our own individual way. Glad to have done this, glad to have done it this way and everything turned out perfect... exactly how I had pictured it in my mind time and time again. Even the fundraiser I had in his honer found it's way to the perfect place to make a difference...
I then joined my family for some much needed rest and fun in Greece. But, this trip to Greece didn't only serve as a relaxation retreat or a well spent quality time with my boys, it did a lot more for me... For a few weeks we felt like a "normal" family, and by "normal" I mean not a family dealing with loss, having to question our feelings, or figuring out which stage of grief we were going through. Yes an important member of the family was still missing and he was on my mind constantly, but... we were in a very different place, surrounded by the unfamiliar, a place that didn't have flashes of memories attached to every corner.. And this felt good, it gave us a sense.. as false as it was, but a sense of a different reality, one that didn't belong to us, or the past... if that makes any sense...
As much as I enjoyed that feeling, that lightened load from the pain on my heart... it scared me as well. For several solitary moments I actually visualized moving there, away from everything that was back home, everything that reminded me of the past. It made so much sense to me, I could finally understand why people sometimes wanted a fresh start after certain events in their lives. I even replayed different scenarios in my head of how I would live this life here with my boys next to me, and it seemed like a great idea and a beautiful picture in my head...
But let's face it, the void inside will still be there and so will the pain... so running away from it wont really fix anything, not for long anyways. And as much as I long for the change it's possibly the worse thing for the boys right now. I think the familiar and the routine of their life is what helps them cope with their pain. Speaking of the boys (you all know I don't like discussing their feeling here that much), they are doing ok, I think they will process all this on a different level and at different times in their lives, I don't think they have faced it or dealt with the loss of their father just yet, but they are teen boys and not much on expressing themselves through words. But again being around family, friends and living their lives is whats good for them now.
As for me, I guess I'm doing ok too, it has been 2 years now, I still see his smiling face every time I close my eyes. I sill miss him terribly and still want to share my last thoughts for the day and still long for his warm embrace... Had an anniversary just a couple of days ago, it would have been 19 years of marriage and a great one! On this subject... I have great memories with him, I think I was a good wife and partner and he was happy with me, I'm glad it was me who took care of him till the last days of his life. I feel in peace about that, but as a woman I still feel very much married and still in love with my husband, who.. yes.. is no longer with us but still very much a part of my life...
So... I can't really start over, no rewind button either, no erasing the past... not even sure I'd want to... But what we can do is move forward equipped with all the strength this experience has given us. There is no doubt that loosing him did not change me or the boys. We'll never be the same anymore yes, but we can be so much better... These kind of things are usually called life altering because they really are, some people have a hard time surviving and loose their spirit in the chaos of it all... but I'd like to think and have actually noticed myself that the change that this brought to us made us all that much stronger and more importantly more aware of what matters most in life. That big change we search for requires no relocation... it's already happened within us and it makes no difference where we live or what we see and feel every day... we are already living a different life!
As for Greece... that still remains my happy place and perhaps one day in the future I can call it home...
Love Peace Joy
Hello, it was nice to read this post. you had me in tears. I can so feel the love for your husband in your words. I remember losing my Dad around the same time, which is not the same, that is when I found your blog. What I do know is the day to day grief process...I think you are a very strong woman and maybe one day you will be in Greece. Sending all the best wishes to you and your boys.
ReplyDeletehugs, c
What a nice surprise to check in with your blog and find that you have written an update. In it, you sound as wise and introspective as ever...always aware of your feelings and finding meaning in them as you travel this path of loss. You are a person who must be fulfilled or your life would have little meaning, and I know you are looking for something that will fulfill you as you once were in your marriage. Of course, most things will fall short of anything equal to what you had with your beloved husband...but, you are determined to find meaning and purpose in your life, so I know you will.
ReplyDeleteI wish you every good thing that God can bestow upon you. And, as always, I wish you peace...constant, deep, and, well, fulfilling.