Sunday, May 27, 2012


At the start of this year when I closed down the shop and decided to turn the page if you will, and go forth onto new chapters of life, I wanted to take some time to rest, perhaps rejuvenate and get a fresh new perspective.  So, I've been pretty much doing that for the past few months... whatever "that" indicates..  Other than occupying myself with little projects here and there, and spending time at home, I've been doing a lot of reflecting as well.  Lots to think about..  It has been a great time to finally mourn my loss, to sulk, to cry, to remember, to forgive and to just grieve in peace..

For about four years now, since Gag's heart attach which led to the surgery, then the cancer that consumed our lives, and the tough journey after his death it has been quite a chapter to say the least.  As I think back now, I mostly see a lot of darkness, pain, stress, sadness and as well as learning, discovery, love, closeness and even a few smiles and moments of joy... But all this has been quite exhausting to take in. Having said that, I still believe and always have, that things happen for a reason, they happen when they are supposed to happen and in the matter in which they happen, if that makes sense.  This is one of the realizations that I've come to in the process of this reflection... After Gag passed away, and honestly speaking even while he was ill and struggling, I had a lot to deal with, but most of the stress was coming from the steady decline and deterioration of the shop - our livelihood.  In other words I didn't have time in my day to really sit and think about what was going on, or what had just happened, when he passed on..  No time for sulking, crying all day in my bed, feeling the deepness of the loss.  Most days I had to keep strong for my boys, for family and had way too much to worry about, so as much as Gag was on my mind every second of the day... he had, let's just say taken the back seat. I just didn't have the "luxury" or the chance to really mourn him, I couldn't!  And whenever I did, I lost myself and couldn't function.  Life needed me, everyone needed me, so I had to put my pain and feelings way on the back burner and forget about it...

Well it eventually boiled over leaving me exposed to it's harshness, unarmed and frail.  However, I think all that happened for a reason too, perhaps that was a good way for me to let the storm pass, meaning it might have made the first two years without him more bearable. Don't get me wrong it was hell on roller skates... very straining, incredibly difficult, absolutely crushing and just too damn hard on me.  We solved every little problem we had in life together, Gag and I.  We were true partners in work and life, so to deal with the crumbling of the shop, the place he had built with his sweat and countless hours, was way too hard to deal with on my own.  This was his work, his life, our bread and it was sinking fast and taking me down with it.  All the while I was trying to keep it afloat giving it all I had, which wasn't good enough and eventually I had to let go of the rope.  It was the toughest decision I had ever made, and it did take me two years to really accept the fact that it was over and there was nothing I could do to save it.  Perhaps this time the captain took the boat down with him.. And through that very tough time I couldn't cry enough for Gag, or sit in silence thinking of him, feeling the love he left behind, no time for the anger or the denial that should follow the loss.  Again perhaps that is the way it had to be, so that the pain was lighter on me... do I thank him for this? Which process would've been worse? I don't know the answers.  All I know is that I finally got to mourn, which has lifted my heart and has given my soul the chance to let go, to breath, to look up and smile and to dream again... So it would appear that it's true, you do need time to grieve and cry and mourn and accept and get angry and let go.. otherwise you can't be whole again.

The things we learn the hard way....

There are a few things I want to say to all that have been in my life and have shared my pain..
I'd like to apologize to my loved ones and to my family for not being emotionally available, for not giving you a shoulder to cry on or to hear your troubles, as I always did before.  I'd like to say sorry to my boys for crying in front of them and for the moments of weakness they saw in me, to my parents I'm sorry for giving you more to worry about.  I'd like to apologize to my friends for not being there socially, for good times and bad... To Gag for getting angry at you for leaving me and for the few moments a day when I forget.  I'd also like to thank the few in my heart for always being there even when I said I didn't need them (because I really did).  I want to say thank you to my lovely boys who give me so much to live for. Thanks to Gagik for all the love and the lifetime of memories that help me go on, thank you for the times you've helped me up, even now.  In the end I'd like to apologize to myself for not being kind at times and for doubting myself..

What doesn't kill us definitely makes us stronger...

Peace, live joyously and well..

Thanks you for lending an ear again and again..


  1. oh mari, how heartbreaking, so sorry to hear that the shop nearly killed you. but on the other hand you sound really strong - after all. all the best, cordial greetings and a hug from far away ireland, eliane

  2. mari - i've looked at this post in my reader 4-5 times and not come to comment on it. it was the same with the card i so wanted to send you after Gag died. the words don't always come, the right ones.

    what a process this blog has been for you and how much you've been through emotionally and personally that isn't even here, but is within you.

    i have always found your words here to be brave and raw and beautiful and a comfort, even tho' i haven't lost my life's love or been through anything close to what you have. you're so very real here, in your words, and it just shines through and touches the heart of everyone who reads it. i hope you'll keep sharing the journey with us, as the spirit moves you. and until them, i'll be content with your fabulous instagram stream. :-)


  3. Marin jan, my strong smart girl. Beautiful writing. Do Whatever your heart tells you..

    Love you much