I remember YOU..

I remember nine months ago today you looked into my eyes for the last time..

I remember how the smile on your face never drowned in the pain..

I remember the love in your eyes when you hugged our boys..

I remember the kisses you blew from across the room..

I remember your trembling hands reaching out to me, when you wanted me near..

I remember how you loved our long talks..

I remember when you'd hold my hand as we walked..

I remember your laugh, your smile, and even your mischievous grin..

I remember your tender fingers as they caressed my face..

I remember how you loved to savor each moment..

I remember the smile on your face as you watched our boys play..

I remember how you held them so carefully when they were just babies..

I remember seeing your eyes tear up watching sad movies..

I remember your warm hugs and how you held me tight when I needed comfort..

I remember how you made me laugh and loved it when I smiled..

I remember your sweet kisses that sent butterflies fluttering..

I remember how much we laughed the day we said "I do"..

I remember when you whispered.. "I love you" for the first time..

I remember everything..

I remember YOU..

My heart is yours forever..

I'd choose this path again...

Today is April 11th, this date may mean something special for some, maybe a birthday or anniversary, and for others it's just another number on the calendar. For me though it's not only a special date, one that will always remain in my heart and in my memories, but this date signifies an important turning point in my life. On this date nineteen years ago, I realized that something special was happening, I knew I had found a deep connection with someone, that true love had found me. Nineteen years ago today... I found myself walking on clouds, this was the day we first kissed and the rest as they say is history...

It's funny actually, I don't remember the exact date we met, or of our first date, but I remember this one, this was the day we both realized that we were in love and that our search was over.... We had a nice lunch down at the beach, talked forever sitting on the sand as the sun set, I guess the moment was perfect, and as unromantic of a person as I am, I must admit it was very romantic. I don't think we could wipe the grin off our faces from that day on, and I can't help but smile even now as I think back on that very moment. I am most certainly a fortunate person for having felt that and for having such memories that put a smile on my face...

This may sound very strange, but I've had people ask me if I regret anything in life, and I know exactly what they are asking me, I don't really blame them. We humans are a very curious sort, people want to know exactly what and how I'm feeling deep down, they want to know if this experience, this pain has made me think and wonder about some decisions I've made in my life...
Well, here's the truth of it... I regret nothing, how can I regret a decision that has brought me so much happiness in my life, that has filled it with so much love? Every moment we spent together was full and every memory I have of him gives me warmth and a smile... Would I rather not have known him? Would I rather missed out on all the love and joy and in turn not have all this pain now?... NO... I choose this pain, and I would choose this life over and over again, because it was worth it, he was worth it... The only part of all this that gives me the greatest pain, is seeing our boys grow up without a dad..

But look... we can not look at ourselves as unfortunate people, or that our fate was of such sadness, that the road to our destiny led us to this point, and that life dealt us a bad hand.. No, I tell people all the time who look at us with such sad eyes, and feel sorry for us... I tell them that we are fortunate to have had and loved him, our boys had an amazing father, one that showed them how to be strong men, how to love and live a full life. They have an entire library of memories and examples they can pull from when they need to cross a path in their lives, he will be with them every step of the way, by recalling his actions and the way he lived his life, they too will grow up to be wonderful people, such that he would be proud of... as for me, well I do consider myself fortunate. I could have married someone else yes, and perhaps not have found myself as a widow at 41, but would I have had such a great marriage, such a great life, with so much love?
I doubt that... we were soul mates and as sad as it is to have had such a short run, it warms my heart to know that it was a great run. And believe me this thought never crosses my mind, I never wonder about how or what could have been, and I find it very strange that people actually do ask, perhaps those are the ones who have not found the kind of happiness we have.

Yes that's right we may be hurting, and our souls are a bit broken and we can never really mend those cracks, and the pain will never go away completely either, but his presence in our hearts and minds makes us happy people, so full of life and love...if only we had him just for a bit longer....

I choose this pain over not ever knowing him... I'm glad we kissed that afternoon nineteen years ago sitting on the warm sand, and though my tears flow now as I write .... I would not have had it any other way... I would take this path over and over again...even knowing the outcome, because the journey would be worth it..


love...peace...joy...

LIVE...

see what's in front of you,
as well as beyond..

listen with your heart...

feel deeply...

smile with your eyes...

speak the truth..

taste with your eyes closed...

touch with your fingertips...

have peace in your mind...

show kindness...

give love...

always with us...

Hello friends, I've been a bit absent from here...don't feel much like writing lately, too much going on. In case you are wondering, we are doing ok, dealing with the usual ups and downs of this path, of life really...something everyone is faced with through their journey. Little bit of joy, some sadness, a few great moments here and there, sometimes tears of happiness, sometimes of sadness, mix in some love and laughter and that is LIFE in a nutshell...
I'm getting sort of used to the peeks and crashes that roll from one day to the next, I guess us humans adapt to everything eventually, it is what it is.... But I guess that's the beauty of life...what did Forrest Gump say?... "Life is like a box of chocolates"?.... which is not really a bad thing :)


I have to tell you, it's hard letting go of someone so special nor do we want to, or we should.... it's funny I still have his toothbrush next to mine by the sink, see it every morning and every night. Is it the false sense of comfort that I want to feel, is it there still because for that brief second my eyes see it, I can fool myself into thinking that he is still with us?... All his colognes are there still, sitting next to mine on the vanity, collecting dust... The other day I thought I'd clean them up a bit, picked one up and the scent hit my nose and I realized just how much I miss him... had a good cry session for the next hour or so, that's ok too, need that at times...

Should we hang on to a few things that remind us of his presence or absence? Or should we remove everything?.... There is no answer to these questions, these items are still there because they just are... I haven't made an effort to remove them or to leave them be, and whether they are there for our eyes to see or not, makes no difference really... Because he is gone and yet he is still with us, we may not see him or be able to touch him or even feel his presence, but he is there.... he is in our hearts, in our memories, in our words, our thoughts, in the boys faces and their actions as well.... He will always be with us because he is so much a part of who we are...

And after days, weeks, months and years have passed, the toothbrush and the colognes will be gone, the few pieces of his clothes that I've hung on to because they still smell like him, will loose their scent and also be gone... but it's his memory and all the things that made him who he was and is will still remain. He will still be part of our conversations, the spark behind our laughter, the reason for our tears... with us, through us he will live on....
These are the thoughts that help me wipe my tears away and put a smile on my face...

Thanks again for lending an ear...

love...peace...and joy to you my friends

corner view... miniature worlds

This weeks corner view is "miniature worlds"...
Here is my son's little world of LEGO's
(we had so much fun setting these guys up for their photo shoot :)

stop by Jane's for more corner views

have fun hopping around the world for corner views...


peace