learning as we go..

I have not put words down for some time now, not really sure why.... perhaps because I have more on my plate or on my mind I should say then usual, perhaps this "writing your feelings down" thing got a little mundane and unsatisfying as well... like I said I'm not really sure..  But, tonight I guess I feel I have some things to share with those of you who have been with me through this tough journey, and for those still listening.

I recently made a trip to Armenia, where both Gagik and I were born, funny we even come from the same neighborhood but never met till years after we had both moved here... small world.  The reason for my journey there was to bring some of his ashes to the Seminary where he had spent some years as a young student.  This was not part of the requests he had for us, this was something I wanted to do for him, because every time he spoke of those short 4 years he spent there... he seemed happy and had fond memories from there, so I wanted to bring a part of him back to that happy place...I made this trip with his sister, which I think was very significant for both of us, we shared something very special, and only we knew what this meant to us, how we really felt each step of the way and we each found some peace inside in our own individual way. Glad to have done this, glad to have done it this way and everything turned out perfect... exactly how I had pictured it in my mind time and time again.  Even the fundraiser I had in his honer found it's way to the perfect place to make a difference...

I then joined my family for some much needed rest and fun in Greece.  But, this trip to Greece didn't only serve as a relaxation retreat or a well spent quality time with my boys, it did a lot more for me... For a few weeks we felt like a "normal" family, and by "normal" I mean not a family dealing with loss, having to question our feelings, or figuring out which stage of grief we were going through.  Yes an important member of the family was still missing and  he was on my mind constantly, but... we were in a very different place, surrounded by the unfamiliar, a place that didn't have flashes of memories attached to every corner.. And this felt good, it gave us a sense.. as false as it was, but a sense of a different reality, one that didn't belong to us, or the past... if that makes any sense...
As much as I enjoyed that feeling, that lightened load from the pain on my heart... it scared me as well.  For several solitary moments I actually visualized moving there, away from everything that was back home, everything that reminded me of the past. It made so much sense to me, I could finally understand why people sometimes wanted a fresh start after certain events in their lives.  I even replayed different scenarios in my head of how I would live this life here with my boys next to me, and it seemed like a great idea and a beautiful picture in my head...

But let's face it, the void inside will still be there and so will the pain... so running away from it wont really fix anything, not for long anyways.  And as much as I long for the change it's possibly the worse thing for the boys right now.  I think the familiar and the routine of their life is what helps them cope with their pain. Speaking of the boys (you all know I don't like discussing their feeling here that much), they are doing ok, I think they will process all this on a different level and at different times in their lives, I don't think they have faced it or dealt with the loss of their father just yet, but they are teen boys and not much on expressing themselves through words.  But again being around family, friends and living their lives is whats good for them now.

As for me, I guess I'm doing ok too, it has been 2 years now, I still see his smiling face every time I close my eyes. I sill miss him terribly and still want to share my last thoughts for the day and still long for his warm embrace... Had an anniversary just a couple of days ago, it would have been 19 years of marriage and a great one! On this subject... I  have great memories with him, I think I was a good wife and partner and he was happy with me, I'm glad it was me who took care of him till the last days of his life.  I feel in peace about that, but as a woman I still feel very much married and still in love with my husband, who.. yes.. is no longer with us but still very much a part of my life...

So... I can't really start over, no rewind button either, no erasing the past... not even sure I'd want to... But what we can do is move forward equipped with all the strength this experience has given us.  There is no doubt that loosing him did not change me or the boys.  We'll never be the same anymore yes, but we can be so much better... These kind of things are usually called life altering because they really are, some people have a hard time surviving and loose their spirit in the chaos of it all... but I'd like to think and have actually noticed myself that the change that this brought to us made us all that much stronger and more importantly more aware of what matters most in life.  That big change we search for requires no relocation... it's already happened within us and it makes no difference where we live or what we see and feel every day... we are already living a different life!

As for Greece... that still remains my happy place and perhaps one day in the future I can call it home...

Love Peace Joy

Project "Postcards for Smiles"

Dear friends I'm happy to announce that I'm finally able to launch this project.  My mind gave birth to the idea a little later than I would have liked but, we still have two months till my trip to Armenia.  With all of your support I'm confident that we can make this a successful fundraiser. So here is the idea behind this beautiful project...

I will be bringing my late husbands ashes to Armenia this summer, to Etchmiatsin where he studied as a young boy. I want to honor and remember his kind and happy spirit with some charitable deeds.  This is where you come in... I have put together some of my better photographs as greeting cards, I've build an online shop where you can view and purchase these lovely gifts, and also read more about the project.
Please spread the word, share this link with friends and family... with great appreciation and a humble heart, I thank you!

Mari Mansourian
HerThirdEye

http://herthirdeye.myshopify.com/

Love.. Peace.. Joy..

Now is all we have..

Life teaches us many lessons from the time we come into this world to the very last day we breath.  With all the lessons comes great knowledge, experience, regret, foresight, patience and most of all understanding.  Some lessons are harder to learn and therefore we face them a few more times than we really want to...

If I've learned anything from the years that are behind me now, is that life.. with all it's beauty and joy can also be a very ugly and painful thing.  I've learned that nothing lasts, that all the good and the bad eventually dwindle away and end..  Pure joy and utter pain don't necessarily ever leave but perhaps we just get used to it and become numb as we grow older, and with each experience and lesson we perhaps get tougher, more resilient.. and in the process loose our childish enthusiasm, imagination and curiosity.  We accept things with more ease, stop fighting with our inner demons and even take the joyous experiences with a slight smile rather than a hearty laugh..

In my case... we went from having a comfortable, warm and fuzzy life to a harsh, treacherous, painful existence, surrounded by pain and grief.  Surviving days with tears and hardship while barely making it through nights with a cold bed, wet pillows and a longing for warmth..  But as time goes by, and even though the pain is still the same... we've gotten used to it, have built an immunity to grief, and are a bit more numb to everything that comes with life..  I see it in my boys and I feel it deep inside of me..

Lessons learned?? Still figuring that part out, but the most important lesson I've learned from all this is, like I said.. nothing last forever, happiness can be lost at a moments time, and sadness eventually leaves as well... So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will say this... all we have left is NOW!  Whatever situation we may find ourselves in, that is all we have, so we may as well laugh whole hearted as well as cry from deep within.  This very moment will never repeat, and the joy or pain we feel right now is the very essence of being human, of living our lives.. however long that may be.  I think by really submerging ourselves deep into this moment we can say that we are human and at the end of our journey, as we look back at all the miles we've walked... we can say that we've lived... and learned... and experienced all that this life had in store for us..

And that is a satisfying feeling...

just another update

Hello dear old friends, it's been a long time since I've put any words on these pages. Have not visited any of you at your corners either, I've missed you all and the blogosphere...

I have however been reading some of my old posts in the recent weeks and have realized what a positive and energetic person I was all throughout this horrible time in our lives. Not to say that I'm a negative person at the moment but, my energy levels are depleting and each day is getting more and more challenging to get through. Now you all know I started this blog to open my heart and mind, express myself through this experience and hopefully help others who may be going through a similar chapter in their lives. I'm sure that is exactly why I was able to handle all that happened and this blog really helped me stay sane...

So, with that in mind I think it's time for another update on this grief thing we're going through. I guess the old saying is that "time heals all wounds" and "in time things get easier".... Well I think it would be more accurate to say that it gets worse before it gets any better. Of course it's different for every person, and it's different depending on who you've lost. A loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a sibling, a spouse are not at all the same. The pain and suffering may be on the same level but the aftermath and all that is required to survive each day is an entirely different path.

Since I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any other close loved ones, except grandparents from old age and illness, I can only give you guys a perspective from my point of view... one of a widow, one of a person who has lost a husband and a best friend, as well as one of a mother helping her boys through the loss of their father. Not an easy task, but grief is in no way ever easy regardless of who one looses. In our case, loosing him was needless to say very hard but, what makes it so much harder is when we lost him. Of course one is never ready to lose a loved one and there is no better time for things like this, but perhaps when we lose an older member of the family, it still hurts but we are comforted by the thought that he or she lived a full life, watched their kids grow, had grandchildren, etc.. and in some way we tend to think life has come full circle and it was their time to go.

When we lose a younger person, one who still had so much to live for and so much to see and experience still... then it's more difficult to find peace with this harsh reality. I can't help but think of all that we still had to do together, and all that he still needed to see, and this hurts me a great deal. Now this tragedy couldn't have happened at a worse time in our boys lives too, they are teens heading into manhood, in great need of their father. I can do all that I can, but will never fill his shoe, and that is a fact, a harsh fact of life that we just need to accept and live with. And in this area I think we're doing ok, we are a close family and that is our power against this tough situation.

Life it would seem is not really fair, we say this all the time and most of the time we don't really think about all that this saying means.. In my case, I was very fortunate to have had a great marriage, and yet it was short lived and ended at a time when we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Our boys were getting older and more independent, we were planning on embarking on a new life, we had big plans and were looking forward to more wonderful years together. So much to live for... But once again, it was short lived, and perhaps it was his time to go, I've come to terms with that now and in some way I'm in peace with it. What the challenge is now, is to reboot and come up with a whole new set of dreams and plans that don't include him. This is the hardest part, I still want to live in the past and replay the images on my mind of all the dreams we had for our future. But I can't!

I need to once again find out who I am without him, what I want from life and the paths I want to take. My boys, their happiness and well being is all I can think about. But with the challenges each day I have to face as a single mother, trying to make things better for all of us... it's not an easy task. When you are busy surviving each day, you don't have time to live!

However I am hopeful, I am after all a pessimistic optimist and there are some rays of sunshine in the horizon.. Thanks for lending an ear once again my friends.

peace

his last wish..

Went down to our favorite little beach hotel in Rosarito Mexico this weekend to put Gag's ashes in the water, just as he had asked. We've made some great memories there in the past with the family, lots of laughs and good times. Perhaps that's why he requested for this just as he did for part of his ashes to be spread by the 3rd hole at his favorite golf course, which we did some time ago.

It felt good to fulfill his last wishes in a way that he would have approved... surrounded by family, with a nice BBQ to follow and a few cold vodka shots.... Many tears were shed by all of us that afternoon, but we had a few laughs as well remembering him and his "full of life" ways...

It was a tough weekend, full of emotions, and yet it was very peaceful and soul satisfying... and I'm so glad we were able to do this before the one year anniversary of his death. I hope now that his last wishes have been fulfilled he has found peace, as it has given us some peace now.

Although this is what he wanted and I am at peace with it...I can't help but feel as though I left a part of my heart behind with his ashes... as they sank into the waves... For us he will always be a part of the water that caresses the sands down in Baja...

Rest in peace my love

feeling broken

I've stopped writing, not so much because I have nothing to share anymore, but mostly because I've been letting my emotions get the better of me. I wallow a bit, and let it just subside, and perhaps I got tyred of expressing myself deeply, if that makes any sense.

But here I am, once again sulking, drowning in my tears, a day after fathers day.... It was a bad day, and we've had other "special" days that we miss him more than usual, but yesterday was possibly the worse I felt in months. Seeing our boys sitting at dad's grave, looking sad, hurt, somewhat alone and cheated out of life, holding their tears back.... was such a painful thing. What can a mother do to make such a pain go away?... With all that I do for them, all the comforting words, and hugs, with all the love that they get from me and our family, nothing...nothing will ever take away that pain they feel inside. They have been broken as we all have and no matter what we do, we will never be able to put ourselves back just right ever again...

Broken we are..broken we feel..but we must accept this new norm and try to pull it together as much as possible to live...and live fully, for that's what he would want.

love..

always with us...

Hello friends, I've been a bit absent from here...don't feel much like writing lately, too much going on. In case you are wondering, we are doing ok, dealing with the usual ups and downs of this path, of life really...something everyone is faced with through their journey. Little bit of joy, some sadness, a few great moments here and there, sometimes tears of happiness, sometimes of sadness, mix in some love and laughter and that is LIFE in a nutshell...
I'm getting sort of used to the peeks and crashes that roll from one day to the next, I guess us humans adapt to everything eventually, it is what it is.... But I guess that's the beauty of life...what did Forrest Gump say?... "Life is like a box of chocolates"?.... which is not really a bad thing :)


I have to tell you, it's hard letting go of someone so special nor do we want to, or we should.... it's funny I still have his toothbrush next to mine by the sink, see it every morning and every night. Is it the false sense of comfort that I want to feel, is it there still because for that brief second my eyes see it, I can fool myself into thinking that he is still with us?... All his colognes are there still, sitting next to mine on the vanity, collecting dust... The other day I thought I'd clean them up a bit, picked one up and the scent hit my nose and I realized just how much I miss him... had a good cry session for the next hour or so, that's ok too, need that at times...

Should we hang on to a few things that remind us of his presence or absence? Or should we remove everything?.... There is no answer to these questions, these items are still there because they just are... I haven't made an effort to remove them or to leave them be, and whether they are there for our eyes to see or not, makes no difference really... Because he is gone and yet he is still with us, we may not see him or be able to touch him or even feel his presence, but he is there.... he is in our hearts, in our memories, in our words, our thoughts, in the boys faces and their actions as well.... He will always be with us because he is so much a part of who we are...

And after days, weeks, months and years have passed, the toothbrush and the colognes will be gone, the few pieces of his clothes that I've hung on to because they still smell like him, will loose their scent and also be gone... but it's his memory and all the things that made him who he was and is will still remain. He will still be part of our conversations, the spark behind our laughter, the reason for our tears... with us, through us he will live on....
These are the thoughts that help me wipe my tears away and put a smile on my face...

Thanks again for lending an ear...

love...peace...and joy to you my friends

security...

I've been contemplating about this post, wondering if I should write it or not. It's a touchy subject, most people don't like talking about it with others, it's the sort of thing that you discuss with close family, if that...But I have shared many deep and intimate issues with all of you, so perhaps this is something that needs to be covered as well...as this too is a part of the path I find myself on right now...

Most of you know from previous posts, about our shop, and I may have mentioned on several occasions that business has been on a steady decline for a couple of years now. This is mostly why I decided to get my culinary degree and possibly do something different. My husband used to think that the industry is slowly dying and it was time to venture out into a different one. Well since his death, now seven months ago.. things have been going worse at the shop, I've tried with many failed attempts to keep it afloat, but it would seem that it's a very heavy, fast sinking ship. I haven't given up on it yet, he invested so much of his life in this place and I want to do all I can to keep it going, even if it means getting into more and more dept, I owe him and our hard working employees that much... So, we'll see..I have a few more projects to give the business a new life with and I hope these wont fail miserably as the others did.

Let me get to my point here without putting any of you to sleep... What I want to talk about here today is the subject of money, of possibly better and smarter thinking about your future and the future of your loved ones. Now, mind you we didn't throw money on senseless things nor did we save, the business needed a constant reinvestment of our funds and we worked hard to establish something that could grow and be our security blanket for our future and our children's future as well...not a very smart strategy I know...but hey that was us and to a certain extent we had a pretty modest yet comfortable life...But life as it seems is never safe, there are no guarantees, none of us really have a secure future if you think about it... But I think there is one sure way we can at least do something for our families that may give them some sort of a security blanket in the future...after we are gone... If you don't already have life insurance, please get it now, as soon as possible, it is probably the best investment you can make in your life...
Now..I know what you are thinking.... yes...no amount of money can replace your loved one, but let me tell you, what is worse than grieving for the loss of someone so important in your life, is going through this grief with the stress and burden of financial hardship. It makes for a very difficult situation... Now I'm not writing this so you can worry about me, or feel sorry or pity me. That is not me, I refuse to be pitied or to feel weak, nor would I ever give up hope. I have an amazing family that supports me in every way possible, and I do have faith in myself, I know that I will get through this as well, and as my husband used to say... this too shall pass...I just want you guys to think about it, ask yourselves this question..."If I'm gone tomorrow, how will my family live, are they secure enough to at least get through the hard times?".... Just something to think about...

On that note, today I invested in my children's future and the future of their children... Life is not safe, we don't know what awaits us tomorrow or the next day... So, yes..we live each day as if it's our last, we love fully, laugh a lot and give joy to our loved ones...and in the process we also need to give them a warm blanket for when they will need it most.... We live and learn, and hopefully correct the mistakes we've made in the years past...


love...peace...and joy...

the unstable path...

This ever changing path I'm walking, this journey that lays ahead is proving to be more and more challenging. It has so far been the most difficult part of my life, it has been the greatest test of my strength and abilities. And as hard as I try most of the time with the greatest of efforts to stay on course and keep my head above water... I still find myself falling harder and deeper at times.

Now, I've accepted the fact that this is really not a simple problem for which there are a few simple solutions that I can apply to and resolve. There are several aspects and challenges that require my attention and strength.... There is the shop, which has been on a slow decline for the past three years and as much as I want to devote all my time and efforts to reinventing and rebuilding business.. for the time being I feel crippled and unable to do all I can to keep it afloat. When your heart is bleeding and you are not a complete person it's very difficult to put your best foot forward, as hard as you might try... My attention is also very much needed in helping the boys through this journey as well, my 13 year old is a very sensitive child and needs allot of care and one on one time to which I always give my full attention. My 16 year old is growing fast, is starting to venture out on his own a bit more, and as much as I want him to enjoy life and all the experiences that he needs to go through at this age... It also worries me...as this is an age where trouble can happen, especially when he also is in a very vulnerable state. There is allot of hurt and anger deep down and I don't want that to be the cause of him taking the wrong path along the way.

I'm doing my best to handle all that is on my "plate" at this time and try to do it with love and a positive outlook. And yes... in a way all these things keep my mind occupied and off of all the pain inside. The little creative things I try to do with the little time that I have during the day...with the blog and the 365 Flickr group, as well as keeping up with friends on Facebook....is also a great way of keeping myself "busy"... But I wonder if all this keeping busy and occupied thing is really a good thing, let me explain...

You keep your mind saturated all day with the little and big things that require your attention, just to not deal with the emotional storm that's brewing deep down...and this keeps you going most of the day, and at night you still stay busy till the very moment your eyes give in, because you're just so tired of crying yourself to sleep each night... And days give into nights and weeks pass... as you start feeling good about yourself, and think that you may actually have a hold on this situation and perhaps have a false sense of control... You have yet another meltdown... where you find yourself weeping in the car in front of you kids, on the way home from a family night at the movies...because that reminds you of how this was his favorite thing to do....
Or you completely fall apart at a friends wedding, the happiest day of their lives...as you sit there and watch them start their new life together...your mind replays the beautiful moments you had on your wedding day... and you throw yourself out the door, looking for a dark corner to run to so people don't witness this pure and utter destruction... And at that very moment you realize that all the progress you think you've made over the past few months and everything you thought you had a handle on... you actually don't....
And...you're back to square one... feeling like you have not accomplished anything... and that you have no control of this situation.... That grief actually has a hold on you, and you feel powerless against it...so you give in once again and hope that when you open your eyes in the morning...the little things that give you joy will resurface and help you put yourself back together...

The cycle begins again... but at least each time you start over you hope that you've learned something new that you can apply this time around, you learn that no matter what you do to avoid dealing with the war inside... it is still there and needs your attention just as much as all the other things. And you need to spend time and face this pain inside and perhaps nurture it, give it your full attention...but not dwell on it too much...because when you do turn your attention inward, the pain is overwhelming and can consume you if you let it...however avoiding it completely is not a wise thing either as it will no doubt keep brewing till one day it boils over leaving you in a worst state then before...

The path continues... ever more unstable...ever more rocky... yet I'm still hopeful and have faith in myself...we will come out of this...


peace..

love..

I wasn't brave enough to post this here, so instead I shared my deep thoughts on facebook with family and friends a few days ago. Not that I haven't poured my heart out on these pages in the past, but somehow this felt too personal and intimate. However I realized that all you lovely blog friends who have been so supportive and have given me so much love and strength needed to hear this too, so I want to share these thoughts and this powerful message today about .....

LOVE...



ok... i admit i miss my husband like crazy... i feel lost without him...

perhaps an intimate photo..yes, one that i'm not sure i feel comfortable sharing here... BUT... i want you all to see my pain, i want you to feel it deep in the crevasses of your souls, because then and only then will you understand and embrace my message. this message that i want to scream at the top of my lungs, these words that i share with you today as my tears roll down my cheeks and as the pain in my heart cripples me...

PLEASE...DO NOT WASTE A MINUTE OF YOUR LIFE, OF YOUR LOVE, OF YOUR SEARCH FOR LOVE! DO NOT MISS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A KISS, OF AN EMBRACE, OF A FEW WORDS THAT COULD MEAN SO MUCH... DO NOT LET MOMENTS, DAYS AND YEARS GO BY WITHOUT LOVE...THOSE FORTUNATE TO HAVE IT...HANG ON TO IT, NURTURE IT, FEED IT, LET IT LINGER IN YOU MOUTH, YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL... THOSE IN SEARCH OF IT... DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE...

let this image and these words penetrate the depth of you hearts, don't forget them, let these be the reminder everyday that a life without love isn't much of a life...

what we had together was priceless... it was so deep...so solid...so real...and now that he's gone...all i have left is the LOVE and the memories... these memories that are my heaven and my hell, my pain and my relief, my joy and my sorrow...but they are real...they are mine...and they are all that's left of our love, and these memories are what give me the strength to live on, and be the solid pillar of love and hope for my boys...

think of these words today...live and love fully



love...peace...love...

still walking the path...

Picture a widow, sitting in a corner by the window, dressed in black head to toe, gazing out as if miles away, handkerchief in hand wiping her tears from time to time...hair mangled, no make up, unaware of her surroundings, did you all get a clear picture in your heads?.... Ok now get rid of that image...because that is not me, well...at least not on the outside. I was never that when Gag was ill, I didn't do that when he first passed away, and it's definitely not me now...

I've been so determined to "keep it together," to be strong for the boys, to keep busy with important and some totally unimportant things...and it has helped keep me out of that widow chair most of the time, but I wonder if I've had time to grieve, and that's why when I crash, I crash hard...and that's not good for any of us. We all know that grief has many stages, and the process is different for everyone, some people cry everyday, all the time and then eventually run out of tears, some others walk around in denial most of the time until somewhere down the line they get hit by reality so hard it takes years to recover...well once again I'm neither of those scenarios... In short I'm just surviving each day, I may not cry all the time or have major reality slaps at times, and I may laugh and enjoy things throughout the day....but deep down I really am that widow on the chair by the window... and you know? I'm ok with that...It's ok to be sad, it's ok to let your kids and the people around you see you mangled and depressed, it's ok to mourn the person you've lost...especially when that person was the reason behind your smile, the love and meaning in your life...

I am getting so sick of the term "life goes on" or "be strong for your kids"....what a bunch of BS... Well of course life goes on...we are still alive, breathing, functioning, we can't just crawl under a rock and die, and as far as being strong for the boys...well that too comes naturally, we as parents have no choice! But what's wrong with wallowing a bit, what's wrong with mourning the love of your life for a while longer, what's wrong with your kids seeing how much you are hurting, perhaps then they will be able to show their pain as well. Why are we so determined to pack away the pain and loss so quickly, why should we be in such a hurry to move on and forget all this. Of course people move on... and they have, everyone around us has... they have their own lives and families to live and enjoy and that is natural... But this storm didn't hit around our home, it hit us right in the heart of it, so we can't, won't, shouldn't and will not be able to move on so fast, and we've accepted and embraced that.

He was not a man to be forgotten so fast, his loss is felt every second of our days, and we laugh or cry when we are reminded of him, but the biggest emotion we feel most of the time is sadness. The heaviness that's left on our hearts by this tremendous sadness is very hard to lift away, we may be able to do it for brief moments at times... but it's there always, our constant companion, and with this dark cloud that hangs over us all the time of course we can't really celebrate much in life right now. I see that in the boys as well, they are still sad and hurting and nothing really seems to give them complete joy at this time.... But again that's ok, what they have been through at such a young age..most of us adults can't even comprehend. They have lost their father, their life long friend and teacher, the man they look up to, admire and love so much... So perhaps we should let them mourn as well, they can be sad for a while too, we should let them grieve their own way, because none of us, me included know what they are feeling...

So, it's ok if we don't have Christmas this year, or attend fun parties and get in the jolly mood...we don't feel much like celebrating at the moment...and that's fine, we are in mourning, we are in sadness, and though we may have happy moments that we share with family and friends, the sadness is there... the loss and pain is there with tears to accompany... It's fine! As my husband used to always say..."this too shall pass"...

This is our path now, we can't take short cuts and skip over a few potholes... we have to walk it all the way, falling, rising and dusting ourselves off time and time again, and we will get through it on our own, in our own time and together as a family..


love..peace..joy..

happily sad...

I've been getting out of my cave a little more lately, taking up on peoples invites...an art exhibit here, a dance recital there, out for drinks with my girlfriends... and have noticed something interesting that I'd like to share with you lovely folks, my good friends here in this cyber corner of mine...

As I'm out and about socializing once more, trying to find joy in things again, I've run into quite a few people that I haven't seen since those dreaded days following Gag's death. Most of them are very happy to see me getting out, to see me smiling and enjoying myself, and yet others seem to have this puzzled look on their faces.... Not to say that they don't want to see me happy, but I think they are just lost in wonder at how I'm even able to function after all that's happened let alone be out with people enjoying myself. And believe me it doesn't bother me that they think this way, nor does it deter me from smiling and finding the joy in things once again...

The truth of the matter is that I am by nature a happy person, always have been. In fact that was one of the things that my husband loved about me, he loved that he was married to a happy person, someone that found joy in the simple things and was able to laugh out loud with him. As you all know he too was a very happy guy and loved life and laughter, and often told me that my smiling face was what made him look forward to each day... so imagine if he was married to a grumpy, negative, nagging person... what a drag that would've been for him. Now, I wouldn't go as far as describing myself as having a bubbly personality.. I have plenty of days where I'm a bit of a cynic and wear my pessimists hat at times, but overall I'm happy. Sure I have a great deal of sadness inside, I have a broken heart that may never heal, my soul is crippled and the pain can be quite unbearable for me at times, but what helps me get through my days now ARE those glimpses of happy moments, the joy that I find each day in the little, simple things. It is my personality, I can not help but wake up each morning and yearn to find things that make me smile.... such as the faces of my boys sleeping in the morning light, a little "good morning" to Gag's photo by my bed... the smell of my coffee... just to name a few...

There are plenty of things in my life that can make me unhappy, bitter and an overall angry person, and ya... I can walk around complaining, crying, nagging all day long and at times I have to reach rally deep inside to find the strength to even get out of bed on some mornings... But how could any of these benefit any of us??? I've grown up in a happy, safe and loving home... with parents that taught us to find the good in everything and everyone, to be good to ourselves and to others as well, I had a wonderful marriage to an incredible person, although short lived but a very rich connection filled with an abundance of love and happiness... and now I want to carry on that tradition of joy in my home, I want my children to see me smile, to feel that love and joy that was present when dad was alive.... Why would I ever abandon that character of mine... only to become a sad... lonely...bitter person... I would never do that to my children, to my loved ones, to myself and most of all to Gagik.

So... it does come down to who we are and how we react to the things that life has in store for us... people always tell me they are amazed by my strength and how calmly I have handled all that has happened to us... but I don't know if it's all about being strong as much as being true to ones nature... like I said, I am by nature a happy person, I can't help but be this way... I don't know how else to be.... So for now I am a happily sad person... and that's just fine by me.

Be true to yourselves...


love...peace...joy...

looking for the light...

I heard Arman shaving this morning before school.....

My thoughts started whirling in my mind again... I remembered the day Gag showed him how to shave, he was ill already yet still had enough energy to teach him at least this one little step to manhood. And of course, all kinds of things started popping into my head, all the things that the boys still needed to learn from dad, all the wise words they are going to look for, all the times they will search for him as they reach moments in their lives that will require dad's advise..

I was overwhelmed by all the feelings that came over me once again, this tremendous fear took over, the helpless feeling of not being able to fill that void in their lives... I couldn't breath, it was so terrifying, so claustrophobic, my head was spinning from all that was going on up there. Will I be able to give them all that they will need, provide them with at least some of the answers to the questions they'll be faced with? Will I have the strength to be there every step of the way, to guide them, to help them choose the right path, to give them the right tools to grow into strong, confident men? There is no doubt in my mind that they have already learned so much from dad, and those lessons will always stay with them... but how many more lessons are left untaught?

This is when I really felt the need for Gag's presence, and this is what I miss the most about him always... our talks, we always talked through things, every obstacle, every hurdle, every tough situation was resolved by long talks and we both felt so much better in the end.. I needed him today more then ever, I needed his wisdom, his positive words that always made me see the light, his comforting voice telling me that all will be fine in the end... I needed to see him, to hear him... so I got in my car and drove out to the cemetery... where else to go to feel his presence???



Took some flowers, burned some essence, shared a cup of coffee and talked.. I did most of the talking... he didn't really have a lot to say, in fact he hasn't really been talking to me much... I'm still waiting... But, it felt good to tell him all my worries like old times, and perhaps it's the serenity of the place itself that always seems to calm me down somehow....



In the end.. the sun did peek through the clouds, as if to embrace me with it's warmth, and pat me on my shoulder to say that things will be ok, that we will come out of all this in tacked, and the light will appear again at the end of this dark tunnel. I walked away feeling a little better, much stronger that I felt in the morning, and even though all my worries are still there, the fear, the doubt, the pain are all still my constant companions, but a little less suffocating...

Another dark day turned a bit brighter, the heavy heart still lingers, it's hard shaking off an emotional morning, but with a few deep breaths I'll make it through the day, and always hope for a better start tomorrow.


love...peace...joy...

still learning....

Having been a Psych major in collage, and an overall nut about all things human... our behaviour, our inner senses that are a very delicate and complicated web... our reactions to things... our undying quest for self and purpose....
This past experience has also been a very interesting time for me from an observation stand. I don't know about you, but I am always examining and reexamining myself, my thoughts, the way I handle situations, emotions etc... I have always been that way, but after studying the human psyche and reading quite a bit on the subject, I think I've become more and more aware of this interest of mine.

Naturally... after a person goes through a major ordeal like the one I've been through the past couple of years, your emotional and psychological state goes through a whirlwind of ups and downs, and many sessions of crashes and reboots... But in the end, somehow, we still survive...some may even say conquer ourselves and our inner daemons that so often, (in some people) win the battle.

There are so many changes I've noticed within my very character, some so noticeable that friends and family have pointed them out as well. But... how much of it is normal and how much alarming?? That is the real question... and actually how much of it should be embraced and how much should be shaken off??

Of course I'm different... how can I possibly be the same person? When I've lived the past seventeen years of my life with another person, with whom I've shared most of my days, thoughts, emotions, my joys, pains and sorrows with. Someone to be responsible for and someone who was responsible for me, someone whom I made plans with, did things for, cared for, worried about... And now... that person who was my ever present breath next to me is no longer there... and ya I know what you're going to say... he's still here and always will be. But that's not what I'm talking about..

Here are some examples... very small and insignificant things, but these are the things that make me realize that there is someone...something missing in my everyday life... When I'm in the supermarket shopping... I reach for the things that Gag enjoyed eating, then put them back... like the brand of coffee he preferred or the kind of orange juice he liked etc. .. A load of laundry is missing from the usual pile... his usual spot on the table or the sofa is empty... we ask for a table for 3 in stead of 4 when out... junk mail still arriving with his name on it...or having to explain to the telemarketer on the other line why they should never call back and ask for him... and of course the worse...not hearing him whisper "sweet dreams" before I close my eyes every night.
You see where I'm getting at here??? So... how can I be the same person??

I undoubtedly can not... and most likely will not ever be the same person, but that is human nature... we change with each experience, be it a joyous one like becoming a parent... or a painful one such as loosing a loved one. The difficult task, aside from dealing with the pain and usual symptoms of a grieving heart... is learning to adjust to these changes, learning to like yourself again, to get to know yourself once again, and ultimately accepting these changes within yourself, so that you can live with yourself again... Of course this journey presents yet another challenge... which is having your loved ones and your friends learn to accept these changes as well. For many years they are used to you being a certain way, and now at times your behaviour throws them off, which leads them to believe that you "must be" in trouble or in need of help. Where in reality, you yourself are confused and are learning to adjust.

We humans are a very interesting species to say the least, but what amazes me time and time again is the amount of things we can handle that gets thrown our way in this life of ours. And the majority of us do end up surviving.. conquering.. and gaining a greater understanding of our inner layers. I think the first step in adjusting to these changes is accepting and understanding them. And yes, at times you want that inner "fetal position" to win.. because on some days that's all you want to do, and it's ok to give in at times...as all us humans need that position from time to time, but we can not indulge in that too often, because ultimately we will lose, and we will not only lose ourselves, but in the process will lose everything we love.

So... the journey continues, having learned a lot... yet so much more to be learned still..

I am here, learning... adjusting... accepting... struggling.... surviving and conquering...


love...peace...joy...and some patience!

i'm still here...

Hey blogoshere... in case any of you were wondering... I'm still here, a bit discombobulated... but here...

It's been such an exhausting week or so, both physically and emotionally (but what else is new right??). Had a lot done at the shop with the renovation projects, phase one and two are complete and just have phase three left, which is the big one and will require some muscle. Thanks to some family members and the fact that my dad taught me how to use some power tools and a paintbrush when I was younger... this project has gone quite smoothly. With all it's emotional setbacks for me personally this has been a very positive part of the past couple of weeks.
The crew at work are very excited and happy that the shop is now a much brighter place to work. They have been such an important part of our lives, like I've mentioned before they are like family and have gone above and beyond to make sure business proceeds smoothly and that all is well taken care of for the past couple of years especially, since both Gag and I had not been spending too much time there. I'm so grateful to them and with this project hope that work will go even more smoothly now.

Even though I had different plans for myself when I started culinary school back in '08, I'm happy to take on the responsibilities of running the shop, and making sure that Gag's hard work and the years he put into "his first baby" as he called it, goes on and prospers in his memory, and with a great group of people that I have behind me, who care as much about the place as I do this will make it a lot more easier of a task. And let's face it having the flexibility of my hours at the shop is priceless considering how much the boys need me now and how important my time with them is right now.

Let's talk about the boys a little, I'm not sure if you've noticed... but I try not to discuss the boys as much here, and there is a reason for it. First of all they do have access to my blog, and do read it from time to time and I don't really want them to feel embarrassed that I spill everything about them to a bunch of strangers (to them :), and secondly... oh I don't know I can't think of the second reason now, but I just don't feel very comfortable writing too much about them. I have no trouble unloading my inner soul to you all, but these are my thought and feeling, and I feel I don't have the right to do the same to them. Anyways hope this all makes sense to you guys.

But, I will give you a little picture of where they are now, and the things that really require my 100%. Robert... is a bit younger, had less time with dad and is a more emotional person, who is not really shy to express himself (remind you of anyone ?). So I find it much easier to talk to him about dad, he tells me how he feels, and how much he misses him... we talk about him a lot and remember things and laugh and cry together, that makes him feel better and is a big relief for me as well..

Arman on the other hand is already in the stage of his life that can be quite confusing and frustrating, plus to top it off he has the loss of his father to deal with. He was more attached to dad, they had more time together, and shared their passion for sports, and therefore had some very special one on one time. And I imagine it is very hard for him to go through his days. The reason I say "I imagine" is because it is very difficult talking to him about dad, every time I bring him up or try and remind him of something funny dad did, or something he would say.. he just changes the subject and shuts it out... yes it is very hard for him to talk about dad, and he hates to see me cry (he has mentioned to me), but he's coming around a little at a time, I wont push him, he'll do it when he is ready. Getting back on the field and playing was a big step for him, and I'm impressed at the way he got "back on the horse".

So, this is our life... keeping busy, coping, taking it one day at a time....sharing laughs and tears.... this is the way we'll face this new life. Although I'll be really honest... at times I feel like I'm living a stranger's life, that this really isn't me, all this didn't really happen to Gag and our family, and maybe that's a good thing at times, because the actuality and the reality of it all is too painful and will devour us. There are days I walk around like a zombie, unaware of my surroundings, missing the meaning in it all, but still put that fake smile on my face and take care of the boys, who are... this very moment my only reason for living. Yes, I know alarming words but... don't worry I guess if I'm aware of my "depression" at times then it can't really be as bad right?? I'm also quite aware and have accepted that all these feeling are normal, and I should just let them come and go, some days are very happy and productive....and others are very dark and filled with pain, just gotta let it roll I guess. In a way I'm glad that I'm a bit of an optimistic pessimist...if there is such a thing, but overall we're doing ok, I just hate the fact that he is gone and all the things that he still had to live for he didn't... basically he got the short end of the stick, and that pisses me off... and I'm allowed that much anger right???

Well once again thanks for lending an ear or two, and thanks for sticking around for my posts, I know it's not one of those inspiring, perky blog pages that most of us like to visit, but I hope that in some way all these words will find a place in your hearts and can help if ever you find yourselves in a dark place in life.


love...peace...joy...

getting harder....

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tough... it seems like just when we feel strong enough to stand again.... there is yet another milestone to cross. The vacation, as lovely as it was, still reminded us that he's missed tremendously. Then came our anniversary, which was a pretty tough day, we were flying back that day, and all through the flight I kept thinking....who would have though... 17 years ago we were dancing, enjoying that happy day together... and here we were, the boys and I flying back alone from a trip, having just lost him....

Then of course came his birthday just a few days later, and that only cut into the wounds deeper, reassuring us all that.... no doubt he is gone forever from our lives. Yes, he is in our hearts and has left many good memories to cherish....but he is no longer with us, we can no longer hold him or sit and talk to him.

The game on Sunday, once again as great of an event as it was to celebrate the achievements he's had and the many lives he's touched.... was again a reminder of the void that's left. To hear all the young players and the coaches talk about how he made a difference in that organization was a great honor for all of us and yet again cut into the wounds, making them ever more deeper and the pain even more horrendous.

So, as we try and move forward and try to heal these wounds, we will time and time again be reminded of this giant loss in our lives, and that only makes things harder to accept. How can we nurse these wounds and mend our broken hearts with the constant milestones that remind us of how great of a man he was and how tough the road ahead without him will be....

This path seems to get only harder and harder to walk....


As promised I will do a post about the game and what a great event it was, how wonderful of a time was had, how heart warming a words were said.... and how deep of a pain was felt by all.
But, for today... I had to let you all know how I was feeling and needed to get this out.

Once again thanks for lending me an ear and a shoulder to cry on with my constant flow of tears...


love...peace...

walking the path

As I find myself... just in the beginning of this path to recovery, of healing, of grief that lays ahead, I am so overwhelmed... bewildered...drowning... lost in an ocean of emotions for which I am having trouble finding solutions.

The past few months as we walked that difficult path, hand in hand, Gag and I had each other... and as much as we both tried not to reveal too much of our worries to one another... there was still some comfort, knowing we were there for each other. That's how we were in our marriage, our friendship, our partnership... always ran to each other for support, for a hug, for a few comforting or wise words. And now that I've lost that half of myself... I have to walk this path alone...and it is proving to be so hard on my soul.

Yes, I have so much love and support from family and friends... but I've never leaned on anyone but myself and Gag... so I'm finding it very difficult to reach out... this is not a new development, I've always handled things better alone... however... this path is a new path, one that I have no experience in dealing with. Every day is a new lesson, each moment presents a new emotion to overcome. And even if I reach out for some comfort...it is only temporary...deep down I still have to overcome this myself. Having friends and family close by is a great help for the boys, they can benefit a lot from that support belt.... for me the situation is different.

No matter what I do to keep myself busy during the day... spending time with the boys... the shop.... blogging... facebook... having visitors..... I find no comfort, no relief, no shortage of tears or pain. At the end of the day I'm still left with the burning pain in the pit of my soul... the pain of having lost such a big chunk of my heart.

I'm finding no words to express what I feel, and I am writing today...(with great difficulty)... not so much to get all this out of my system but more for all of you... so that if ever in your lives, any of you find yourselves on this path, that perhaps some of my words will shed light on the uncertainty of the situation and help you walk that path.

The overwhelming emotions of which I speak of come in many disguises... I feel pain, different levels, in different areas... pain in my heart, my body. I feel sadness that weighs a ton on my heart.. the side effects of months of repressed feelings are starting to surface and have caused much damage inside... the longing, each morning of waking up from this nightmare..and the sinking feeling when I open my eyes to find an empty pillow by my side... there are so many thoughts and feeling all the time in my head, the ongoing battle within... having been strong till now... I must be stronger more so now for the boys. Yes, there are moments in any given day of laughter, of good memories, of feeling the love that the boys and I have inside from Gag, and the comfort I feel inside knowing that the last days he spent with us were lived fully. Each day... a new pain to combat, a new emotion to overcome...

These are not emotions, feelings, battles that can be overcome by anyone but me, yes a cry shared with a loved one, some words of comfort... a hug... is a good antidote but not a cure.
This will have to be overcome by me and me alone, and I guess time is the one thing that will help me walk this path.

Time...

road to recovery part 2..

I guess I spoke too soon this morning... as it turns out I was able to shake it off, get busy and pass the day a bit more productively than I though.

I tackled a couple of jobs today that I've been putting off... and as usual the tasks only seem daunting and horrendous when you think about them, but not as much when you are actually in the middle of taking care of them. For example, I had to order Gag's tombstone today... and just the thought of it has been so heavy in my mind that I was afraid it would be too difficult, and don't get me wrong it was... let's just say an unusual task... it was a bit unreal... designing what you want on your beloved husbands tombstone.... but it wasn't as horrible as I had thought...

Then there was the task of going through his clothes.... now this I was really dreading... but once again.. as I went through his things slowly, remembering happy occasions in some of his shirts... smelling his jackets and caps... and very quickly discarding the clothes that he wore throughout his torturous illness.... I got through that too, letting some tears free and smiling at times. And again it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. Perhaps it's the satisfaction of having taken care of a task that's been on your mind for so long that gives you this peace and once it's done... yet another chapter closes, and a new one can begin.

So, it turned out to be not such a bad day, yes many painful moments... but as I sit here typing away... I hear the kids out in the pool, splashing and laughing away... and that alone puts a little smile on my face.... they are happy right this moment.... that's all I want now.

love...peace...joy...

And just wanted to thank all of my cyber friends for your words that sink so deep into my heart and help me see the light so many times...THANK YOU!

the road to recovery...

It's morning again.... I wake up every morning with a very heavy heart... perhaps hoping as I open my eyes, that... I was having a nightmare and that all is well, but.... still wake up to this cruel reality.

On some mornings I am able to shake it off, get busy and find the positive of the day... and other times... I just want to retreat into a dark corner and wallow in my pain. This is that morning.

I lay there in bed and start thinking, and the more I think the more I am reminded of this terrible situation we're in now. Every moment of every day he is on my mind, I miss his presence... then my mind goes on a speeding train and the "what ifs" start to surface....
what if I can't do the best I can for the boys???
what if I'm not strong enough to get through life with pain in my heart???
what if I can't shake off this misery and can't recover???
what if the boys are faced with things I can't handle???

Yes... I have been strong till now, but this pain in my heart wasn't as suffocating...
And perhaps it's ok to feel this way for a little while, perhaps I don't have to be fine right away and continue life as if nothing has happened, perhaps this is how you grieve,
I just hope we can recover....
And as much as I just want to go back to bed and wallow some more... responsibilities call me...

perhaps a depressing post today, but just as important to have said these words... why else am I blogging???
thanks for lending an ear....

love... peace... joy...