just another update

Hello dear old friends, it's been a long time since I've put any words on these pages. Have not visited any of you at your corners either, I've missed you all and the blogosphere...

I have however been reading some of my old posts in the recent weeks and have realized what a positive and energetic person I was all throughout this horrible time in our lives. Not to say that I'm a negative person at the moment but, my energy levels are depleting and each day is getting more and more challenging to get through. Now you all know I started this blog to open my heart and mind, express myself through this experience and hopefully help others who may be going through a similar chapter in their lives. I'm sure that is exactly why I was able to handle all that happened and this blog really helped me stay sane...

So, with that in mind I think it's time for another update on this grief thing we're going through. I guess the old saying is that "time heals all wounds" and "in time things get easier".... Well I think it would be more accurate to say that it gets worse before it gets any better. Of course it's different for every person, and it's different depending on who you've lost. A loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a sibling, a spouse are not at all the same. The pain and suffering may be on the same level but the aftermath and all that is required to survive each day is an entirely different path.

Since I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any other close loved ones, except grandparents from old age and illness, I can only give you guys a perspective from my point of view... one of a widow, one of a person who has lost a husband and a best friend, as well as one of a mother helping her boys through the loss of their father. Not an easy task, but grief is in no way ever easy regardless of who one looses. In our case, loosing him was needless to say very hard but, what makes it so much harder is when we lost him. Of course one is never ready to lose a loved one and there is no better time for things like this, but perhaps when we lose an older member of the family, it still hurts but we are comforted by the thought that he or she lived a full life, watched their kids grow, had grandchildren, etc.. and in some way we tend to think life has come full circle and it was their time to go.

When we lose a younger person, one who still had so much to live for and so much to see and experience still... then it's more difficult to find peace with this harsh reality. I can't help but think of all that we still had to do together, and all that he still needed to see, and this hurts me a great deal. Now this tragedy couldn't have happened at a worse time in our boys lives too, they are teens heading into manhood, in great need of their father. I can do all that I can, but will never fill his shoe, and that is a fact, a harsh fact of life that we just need to accept and live with. And in this area I think we're doing ok, we are a close family and that is our power against this tough situation.

Life it would seem is not really fair, we say this all the time and most of the time we don't really think about all that this saying means.. In my case, I was very fortunate to have had a great marriage, and yet it was short lived and ended at a time when we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Our boys were getting older and more independent, we were planning on embarking on a new life, we had big plans and were looking forward to more wonderful years together. So much to live for... But once again, it was short lived, and perhaps it was his time to go, I've come to terms with that now and in some way I'm in peace with it. What the challenge is now, is to reboot and come up with a whole new set of dreams and plans that don't include him. This is the hardest part, I still want to live in the past and replay the images on my mind of all the dreams we had for our future. But I can't!

I need to once again find out who I am without him, what I want from life and the paths I want to take. My boys, their happiness and well being is all I can think about. But with the challenges each day I have to face as a single mother, trying to make things better for all of us... it's not an easy task. When you are busy surviving each day, you don't have time to live!

However I am hopeful, I am after all a pessimistic optimist and there are some rays of sunshine in the horizon.. Thanks for lending an ear once again my friends.

peace

feeling broken

I've stopped writing, not so much because I have nothing to share anymore, but mostly because I've been letting my emotions get the better of me. I wallow a bit, and let it just subside, and perhaps I got tyred of expressing myself deeply, if that makes any sense.

But here I am, once again sulking, drowning in my tears, a day after fathers day.... It was a bad day, and we've had other "special" days that we miss him more than usual, but yesterday was possibly the worse I felt in months. Seeing our boys sitting at dad's grave, looking sad, hurt, somewhat alone and cheated out of life, holding their tears back.... was such a painful thing. What can a mother do to make such a pain go away?... With all that I do for them, all the comforting words, and hugs, with all the love that they get from me and our family, nothing...nothing will ever take away that pain they feel inside. They have been broken as we all have and no matter what we do, we will never be able to put ourselves back just right ever again...

Broken we are..broken we feel..but we must accept this new norm and try to pull it together as much as possible to live...and live fully, for that's what he would want.

love..

still walking the path...

Picture a widow, sitting in a corner by the window, dressed in black head to toe, gazing out as if miles away, handkerchief in hand wiping her tears from time to time...hair mangled, no make up, unaware of her surroundings, did you all get a clear picture in your heads?.... Ok now get rid of that image...because that is not me, well...at least not on the outside. I was never that when Gag was ill, I didn't do that when he first passed away, and it's definitely not me now...

I've been so determined to "keep it together," to be strong for the boys, to keep busy with important and some totally unimportant things...and it has helped keep me out of that widow chair most of the time, but I wonder if I've had time to grieve, and that's why when I crash, I crash hard...and that's not good for any of us. We all know that grief has many stages, and the process is different for everyone, some people cry everyday, all the time and then eventually run out of tears, some others walk around in denial most of the time until somewhere down the line they get hit by reality so hard it takes years to recover...well once again I'm neither of those scenarios... In short I'm just surviving each day, I may not cry all the time or have major reality slaps at times, and I may laugh and enjoy things throughout the day....but deep down I really am that widow on the chair by the window... and you know? I'm ok with that...It's ok to be sad, it's ok to let your kids and the people around you see you mangled and depressed, it's ok to mourn the person you've lost...especially when that person was the reason behind your smile, the love and meaning in your life...

I am getting so sick of the term "life goes on" or "be strong for your kids"....what a bunch of BS... Well of course life goes on...we are still alive, breathing, functioning, we can't just crawl under a rock and die, and as far as being strong for the boys...well that too comes naturally, we as parents have no choice! But what's wrong with wallowing a bit, what's wrong with mourning the love of your life for a while longer, what's wrong with your kids seeing how much you are hurting, perhaps then they will be able to show their pain as well. Why are we so determined to pack away the pain and loss so quickly, why should we be in such a hurry to move on and forget all this. Of course people move on... and they have, everyone around us has... they have their own lives and families to live and enjoy and that is natural... But this storm didn't hit around our home, it hit us right in the heart of it, so we can't, won't, shouldn't and will not be able to move on so fast, and we've accepted and embraced that.

He was not a man to be forgotten so fast, his loss is felt every second of our days, and we laugh or cry when we are reminded of him, but the biggest emotion we feel most of the time is sadness. The heaviness that's left on our hearts by this tremendous sadness is very hard to lift away, we may be able to do it for brief moments at times... but it's there always, our constant companion, and with this dark cloud that hangs over us all the time of course we can't really celebrate much in life right now. I see that in the boys as well, they are still sad and hurting and nothing really seems to give them complete joy at this time.... But again that's ok, what they have been through at such a young age..most of us adults can't even comprehend. They have lost their father, their life long friend and teacher, the man they look up to, admire and love so much... So perhaps we should let them mourn as well, they can be sad for a while too, we should let them grieve their own way, because none of us, me included know what they are feeling...

So, it's ok if we don't have Christmas this year, or attend fun parties and get in the jolly mood...we don't feel much like celebrating at the moment...and that's fine, we are in mourning, we are in sadness, and though we may have happy moments that we share with family and friends, the sadness is there... the loss and pain is there with tears to accompany... It's fine! As my husband used to always say..."this too shall pass"...

This is our path now, we can't take short cuts and skip over a few potholes... we have to walk it all the way, falling, rising and dusting ourselves off time and time again, and we will get through it on our own, in our own time and together as a family..


love..peace..joy..

16 years ago today...

There is the little man at 4 weeks, he brought so much happiness into our home upon his arrival 16 years ago... that truly was a joyous day for all of us. First child for us and first grandchild to grandparents on both sides of the family, not to mention first nephew to both to my brother and Gag's sister, and the first one in our circle of friends. So, you think he was loved???




And now here he is... all grown up, shaving and all.. He has a great personality, and a very caring heart. There are times his reactions to things are so much like Gag, it's scary.. He's a good boy, and no doubt will grow up to be a great man.

As difficult as the road ahead seems at times... I think there are many happy days ahead still and I'm looking forward to it all... to life. My boys really do keep me going, and I "dig that" as my friend Christina would say.

Happy 16th Arman!


love...peace...joy...

looking for the light...

I heard Arman shaving this morning before school.....

My thoughts started whirling in my mind again... I remembered the day Gag showed him how to shave, he was ill already yet still had enough energy to teach him at least this one little step to manhood. And of course, all kinds of things started popping into my head, all the things that the boys still needed to learn from dad, all the wise words they are going to look for, all the times they will search for him as they reach moments in their lives that will require dad's advise..

I was overwhelmed by all the feelings that came over me once again, this tremendous fear took over, the helpless feeling of not being able to fill that void in their lives... I couldn't breath, it was so terrifying, so claustrophobic, my head was spinning from all that was going on up there. Will I be able to give them all that they will need, provide them with at least some of the answers to the questions they'll be faced with? Will I have the strength to be there every step of the way, to guide them, to help them choose the right path, to give them the right tools to grow into strong, confident men? There is no doubt in my mind that they have already learned so much from dad, and those lessons will always stay with them... but how many more lessons are left untaught?

This is when I really felt the need for Gag's presence, and this is what I miss the most about him always... our talks, we always talked through things, every obstacle, every hurdle, every tough situation was resolved by long talks and we both felt so much better in the end.. I needed him today more then ever, I needed his wisdom, his positive words that always made me see the light, his comforting voice telling me that all will be fine in the end... I needed to see him, to hear him... so I got in my car and drove out to the cemetery... where else to go to feel his presence???



Took some flowers, burned some essence, shared a cup of coffee and talked.. I did most of the talking... he didn't really have a lot to say, in fact he hasn't really been talking to me much... I'm still waiting... But, it felt good to tell him all my worries like old times, and perhaps it's the serenity of the place itself that always seems to calm me down somehow....



In the end.. the sun did peek through the clouds, as if to embrace me with it's warmth, and pat me on my shoulder to say that things will be ok, that we will come out of all this in tacked, and the light will appear again at the end of this dark tunnel. I walked away feeling a little better, much stronger that I felt in the morning, and even though all my worries are still there, the fear, the doubt, the pain are all still my constant companions, but a little less suffocating...

Another dark day turned a bit brighter, the heavy heart still lingers, it's hard shaking off an emotional morning, but with a few deep breaths I'll make it through the day, and always hope for a better start tomorrow.


love...peace...joy...

what a roller coaster.....

What a roller coaster of a weekend we had...

Talk about too many "highs" and "lows" all condensed into one weekend... Not that our days are not filled with a lot of these peeking emotions lately. On any given day I go from crying out loud to laughing out loud within minutes, or may be really sad one moment and singing to a song on the radio while tears roll down my cheeks the next...

But, for some reason I feel really exhausted from the emotional whirlwind of this weekend.

our shop

I started a renovation project at our shop, and the first stage went very smoothly and a lot was accomplished, but not without the ever constant flow of tears. Being there on a weekend, painting walls... tearing old things down to be replaced by the new ones.... just brought back so many memories of Gag, this is what we did over the years, on some weekends together. So, as happy and excited as I was for taking care of the things that have been needing some serious attention, I caught myself just staring at something we built together and realizing how much I miss him... then the tears would roll again....

Arman's first year playing

Then there was the first futball game of the season, and once again as much as I was filled with joy to see Arman out on the field, playing the game he loves, armed with his goalie gloves....it was still very painful being there, as this was something we used to do as a family... throughout the whole game I kept hearing Gag's voice giving directions to the boys, cheering them on, and joking around with the parents on the sidelines. It was an evening game, his favorite time of the day to play...as the sun was setting, he would say "this is the best light for pictures, get your camera ready love".... then the lights would come on and the game took on a whole different stage, playing under the lights was what he called a "real game". I kept thinking... finally the boys have gotten older and the game they play has taken on a more serious tone, not a bunch of six year olds chasing after the ball anymore... this is when he would've enjoyed it so much more...and he's not here to reap the fruits of his tree....

But the most emotional part of the weekend was when I took his mom to visit the grave site. She is ill, has been for most of her life, three open heart surgeries and a life of struggle raising two kids without her husband on her side, so being as weak and fragile, she wasn't present for any of the ceremonies and hadn't visited the cemetery till now, it would just be too painful for her. But, on Saturday morning I get a call from her at the shop, as I'm covered in paint... she told me that she wants to visit him, right then... so I dropped everything and took her to see her one and only son's tombstone. I shouldn't have to tell you what a difficult thing it was for her to be there and for me to witness it and not be able to give her any comfort, because no matter what you say to a mother who's lost a child... nothing can give her peace.

So, overall .... like I said a very emotional weekend, filled with high moments and very low moments, boy I tell you this grief business is quite exhausting and can drain you of all your energy. But, we still go on, still have to overcome each moment for Gag's sake, for the boys sake... for just keeping his memory alive and to make him proud of all the things that we achieve on a daily basis. We miss him, there is no doubt, the boys sleep by my side from time to time.... I don't think it's to comfort me or just because my bed is bigger and more comfortable, but because they miss dad, and sleeping on "his side" of the bed makes them feel a bit closer perhaps, they don't know how to express their grief and pain any other way...

So, another Monday... time to regroup and get to living... things to be done, to be seen, to be experienced... must... keep... going...


love...peace...joy....

little Tokyo...

we had a lovely afternoon at little Tokyo yesterday.
the boys had been wanting to go back to
the "best noodle house ever"... according to them.

I have to admit... it was pretty good, they have anything
from mild to burning volcano hot, three
different flavored soups with all the extras you want.
notice how it says "eat at your own risk".. they weren't
kidding, I had the #2 and wow, felt like a fire was
slowly smoldering inside my mouth.

mind you the portions are huge, could feed a family of four,
I couldn't even eat half of it,
Arman's friend Khalid was
the only brave one to eat it all...
and he had the #1, ouch..

the boys and their friends were in heaven

apparently that guy from "man vs food" has
made an appearance here and has won this
challenge, amongst other brave souls.

we did some book shopping....
it was Japanese anime heaven...
I had to drag the boys out of this store.

the skies above us were beautiful,
the weather was perfect
so we walked around a bit
took pictures (only yours truly of course)...
and watched the most beautiful sunset through the
downtown skyline on our drive home.
A good day for the boys and mom :)

love... peace... joy...

the game...

So here we were... players, coaches, referees, parents, and family members,
gathered on a Sunday afternoon
(the first day that the smoke had actually cleared up),
all there for one purpose... to remember a great coach, and to honor him by
playing a clean game, to have fun and play from the heart.
T-shirt were made especially for this event for the player to wear
that said:
"In memory of coach Jerry Mansourian
September 6, 2009"

a moment of silence before the game

I took the place of coach Jerry for an
after game snapshot.... this will remain in our
hearts forever...

loyal coach Jerry fans
(thanks Mardy for making these t-shirts and in Gag's fave color)

a jersey was signed by all the players
for us to take home and remember this day by

and here I am... filled with tears of joy and pain.

I wore Gag's favorite cap (which still smells like him).

He always wore a cap on the field, so one day
when he showed up without one... the kids (10 at the time)
were surprised.... one of them yelled out....
"But coach... you're bald!"
what a good laugh we all had that day...

So glad I had enough battery power to at least take a few shots. The special moment of the event though was at snack time, after the game, as I gathered everyone to thank them for putting together this great event... I wanted to make sure that they knew what a memorable day this was for us, and how deeply they touched our hearts, and how proud the coach would be of them.

A few coaches had some things to share as well about the way Gag was on and off the field, and what an important part of the organization he was. So, I wanted to hear from the boys, and asked if any of them had a fond memory with the coach that they would like to share... and what happened was amazing... one by one they got up and told a story or two about this coach they loved so much.... It was truly an honor to be there, and to hear everyone talk about Gag with such high regard, I think it was even more important for our boys to hear all this about their dad. Arman did play that day... and just as I had thought, it motivated him to play this season, and that makes me very happy and I'm sure makes dad very proud.

Gag was there... we could feel him walking up and down the field watching the game he loved... played the way he would have wanted.

I guess we will take part in this seasons games once again... looking forward to our weekends on the field.

love...peace...joy...

something special

Tomorrow at 4pm at the Glendale Sports Complex, where we've had many futball (soccer for all you yanks :) games headed by Coach Jerry, something special will take place.

Some 37 young boys have volunteered their time on this long weekend to play a friendly game to honer their coach. All of these boys have at one point or another been coached by Gagik. The soccer organization and some of the coaches who have worked with him have put this together, I'm so touched by this event.

It will be a difficult day for all of us, as I step on that field, all the memories of past games will come into mind, the way he would pace back and fourth on the side lines yelling out instructions, and the post game "high fives" between the boys and him.... Arman will be participating in this game as well, and I'm sure it will be an emotional game for him too, but I know he will play with his heart for dad.

I will be without my camera tomorrow (I've left my battery charger in Mexico, so till they ship it back to me... I'm stuck with no toy), this may be a good thing.. I love the game with a passion and I'll be sitting on my chair, just enjoying this special game tomorrow. Watching the little faces that have grown into young teen boys, playing the game that coach has given so many pointers on.... I know he's touched their lives in so many ways in the past years, and tomorrow their young heart will touch our lives forever. I'm so grateful for that.

The following weekend will mark the beginning of the new season, it will be the first in eleven years which we will not take part in. We loved this time of the year, a game every Saturday, which meant a late Friday night for the coach. I can just see him now, sitting in the balcony, going over line-up card and game plan, rearranging the players over and over again. He loved this game, and he loved coaching, I can honestly say it was one of his greatest passions in life. He'll be enjoying the game tomorrow as well, except he will probably have the best seat in the house.

I'll post the details of the game and the images on my mind from tomorrow.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend...

love...peace...joy...

Buenos dias...

Even though I had a scheduled post for today... just wanted to check in and say buenos dias to you guys...

Asides from some minor setbacks earlier, I'm happy to report that we are doing much better now...For the moment it's just me and Robert in the room, waiting for a house call from the doc, it would appear that Robert had a reaction to a fly bite, his arm is a bit swollen, but he'll be fine, nothing a little Cortisone and Zyrtec can't fix.

Arman, with no surprise to any of us... has once again gathered a social club of a few teens (7 boys and a couple of girls..."hoties") and is the organizer of their activities... my little social butterfly... so needless to say he is having a blast, we hardly see him during the day, just at meal times, and that's fine, as long as he's having fun.

Now on to yours truly.... well.... not realizing how white I am... and how long the sun hasn't seen some parts of my body.... with all the sunscreen, I still got sunburned in a few spots, but it's not too bad. You tend to lose track of time when you are swimming in that turquoise Caribbean water, with tropical fish just all around you... the boys and I were out there for hours snorkeling, Rob trying to catch fish with his own bare hands... a must see experience :)
I'm also happy to report that as lame as I though the pool aerobics looked... I actually had a good time and made the boys laugh a lot, when I jumped in and joined a semi drunk group of seniors as they attempted to copy the instructor's moves... that was the most fun I had in a long time...

Anyways... we're really enjoying every moment of our adventure so far.... even the down parts.... we've bonded and opened up to each other, and that's the whole idea behind this trip.

We're off to Chichen Itza tomorrow, which should be a great experience, then we have Tulum on Thursday and a Mayan Adventure tour on Friday which includes stops at a great snorkeling lagoon, an under ground cavern, and a 12foot dive into a sink hole (mayan cenotes).

Looking forward to all the adventures we have planned, I most likely will not report back here, but still have a couple of posts scheduled for you all, thanks for sticking around and checking on us :)


love...peace....joy...

and we're off...

wow... what a day...too much to do, too little time... especially when you tend to procrastinate like yours truly here... after running a whole lot of errands, taking care of things at the shop for next week... I was nowhere near being packed by the evening..... of course I also had a foot massage planned with sis Niky (Gag's sister) without realizing that it's the night before we leave, and that I would probably be packing...but who says no to a food massage no matter how busy you are right.....not me. Ahhh pure heaven, 45 minutes of Thai foot massage, followed by 45 minutes of body massage. If you guys haven't had a Thai massage yet.. oh you are missing out... It is like a yoga session and a deep tissue massage all wrapped into one... like I said pure heaven..

Needless to say I came home relaxed and calm... not the state I needed to be in, considering it was close to 10pm and I still had a couple of loads of laundry to do and still had not a thing in the suitcases. I had hoped that the boys would've made some progress with their own packing.... but ya... sure... come on, teen boys??? Arman said just pack me my swim trunks and that's all I need, oh and of course his i-pod.




So... it's almost 2 am.. done with packing and decided to put down some words for you guys. We're finally running away from home... for a nice relaxing holiday, to get some rest, bond, enjoy each other fully, have some fun and see some new places. We have to leave home in a couple of hours...so why sleep when there is facebook to keep you company right :) The boys are really looking forward to going... they love anywhere there is water, so they'll get to swim around while mom hangs on the sand with a nice book in one hand and a margarita in the other... hoping to have a view of the big blue right in front of me....ahhh sounds devine.

I'm a bit excited, a bit nervous...and a bit sad... it is our first trip without Gag, and not a lot of time has passed so, I know there will be moments of sadness...but we'll just deal with it. As a friend said to me today.... this is the first step in creating memories in this new life we have....just the three of us.

I've scheduled a few posts for you all, apparently some of you miss me when I don't write, well.....we can't have that now can we?
And as much as we had decided not to take any hand held games or the laptop... that debate is still on as we speak... can these addicted mother and children go away without the laptop??? Stay tuned.....

I'll miss the cyber world... it has been a good friend for some time... can we survive without it for a whole week???? yikes that is a scary thought :)


love...peace...joy...

a plan

I've come down a bit since my ranting hysteria form the other day, it seems that every time Wednesday rolls around I go into an emotional meltdown. Last Wednesday marked the fourth week, and today marks the first month... a month gone and the rest of our lives to go.

I have been thinking a lot the past few days, I've stayed away from the cyber world to sort out my thoughts. And I've at least come to understand why I get so scared at times... I know myself to be a pretty strong person, and the past year and a half the strength that came from within proved to be more than I had imagined possible. However, now that my body is so emotionally and physically drained, I find at times the power depleting, and that is the driving force behind the fear that consumes me. And I find myself worrying about the future and doubting myself. Again all this is to be expected... let's face it the person we have lost was such a big part of our lives... I'd be worried if I wasn't feeling this way.

So... when we are faced with such moments in our lives, and have certain obstacles to overcome... we must stay focused, make a plan, list the things that we want taken care of and proceed forward. And that is exactly what I plan to do. It is a long list, and one that will take some doing, but with patience, and without too many expectations I'll forge on...

First and foremost on the list is health, must take better care of myself and the boys, have some plans with and for the boys, have a few projects at the shop that will need my entire attention, perhaps my cupcakes will resurface again, more writing to be done....and we will take all of this one step at a time. The boys and I have a little vacation coming up, so I'm hoping we'll get some much needed R&R, and some quality time, after which we can come back to our stronger selves, get on with the routine and try to enjoy every day together as Gagik would have wanted.

The pain and the emotions will still be with us every step of the way, but we'll invent ever more creative ways of dealing with them....

Life does go on, it would seem... and it must...

love... peace... joy...

Sunday visit...

Visited Gag again today, till the tombstone is placed I want to make sure the site is marked somehow... fresh flowers every week. His spot is right next to my yaya (grandma), you know she was Greek and liked to feed anyone who walked in the door.... so I think Gag's being well taken care of....

Today I brought him a little treat, his favorite pastry, a nice fresh napoleon with the custard filling, just the way he liked it.... although I'm sure the deer that come down the hill to munch on the flowers at night will enjoy the treat as well.

I could never understand people who went to the cemetery often and spend time there... I always figured, if you miss that person just think about them and that's how they'll stay in your heart, but grandma always tried to make me see her side of it... she lost her son at 35 from a car crash and I don't think she ever got over it till the very last days of her life, but always wanted to spend time at the grave site, considering my uncle was buried in Armenia... this was a tough task... so she used to fly all that way every year just to spend a month visiting her son every day. Again, I could never understand that obsession... of going... cleaning... she even had a bench built there, so she could spend longer hours with him, but you know since I've been visiting Gag every week... it does make you feel a little better... I guess you feel like you're a bit closer.
It's kind of strange actually, considering... he was cremated and we still have half his ashes at home... but still going there... putting some flowers and lighting some essence .... just gives you a different kind of peace...we humans are very strange....
(sorry for the bad images... they were taken with my rinky-dink phone).

Have a great Sunday eve...

love... peace... joy...

boys becoming men

Most friends and family have been calling and e-mailing me just to check up on us, and mostly to see how the boys have been doing.... Well I really have no answer to those questions...
Just like me... the boys seem a bit disoriented, kind of numb really... can't seem to find our place... can't seem to find peace anywhere...
Yes, I have been keeping a close eye on them, talking to them trying to comfort them... but they are not like us adults... they don't necessarily always want to talk about what they are feeling (especially teen boys), so this is a bit of a challenge for me and I don't really want to become a "nag", like Arman says... "mom chillax".... So, I'm trying to "chillax" and give them space and kinda letting it roll...
Today... we had a not so chillaxed moment.... First of all, last week Arman said he didn't want to go to the shop anymore and didn't really have a valid reason... so I thought.... I kinda had a feeling what it might be... as I too am having a hard time spending too much time there myself. And today was supposed to be his first soccer practice, now let me just say that from the start of the summer when it was time to register he expressed that he "didn't want to play this year if dad wasn't coaching", so I didn't register him. But after Gag's passing, one of the coaches suggested that it would be good for him to play and he should do it for dad one last time...

Getting back to today... as he was putting on his soccer gear, mumbling to himself... I asked why he is unhappy... well he finally spoke... and there was no end to both of our tears. "How mom??? how do you want me to go on that field and play that game ... when dad isn't there???? I can't do it... I just can't... please don't make me... it hasn't hit me yet that dad is not around... It's just not fun anymore without him"
This.... this whole new life of ours will take sooooooooooo much time to get used to, and I just want what's best for them... and even I don't know what that is right now.
We all need time, I'm so glad that we got to cry together... talk things through together...
I told him that this is what we need to do to survive this.... to heal... to live.... and even though it really hurts now to look back at the memories... that's what's going to keep us going later.

"Dad was too good mom.... how can I not miss that goodness????"

It hurt... it was difficult... but a step forward nonetheless... my little boys becoming men.

Rob by the way... is ok, he gets sad sometimes, then we hug and he's back to doing what he was doing
I love my boys, without them this would not be a life worth living...

love... peace... joy...

our young poet..

I've prepared a little gift for my nephew Sevak, he is my brother's son and our godchild as well. We were all moved when we learned that he had written a poem for Gagik and were actually all in tears when he recited it at the restaurant where we were having a memorial lunch a week after Gag's burial. It's a short poem but came from his 10 year old heart and I'd like to share it with you all ....

He got his wings
He got his sword
He's sitting up high
Looking down below.

So I've decided to nurture this hidden talent in his bright little mind, and am going to give him a little poem notebook where he can start his poetry. I've written a little inscription on the first page (signed it Nuna.. that's Greek for godmother). I hope that this will give him the inspiration to continue. I guess it is in times of pain and sorrow that some of our hidden talents wake up, I know he was really impacted by all that's happened. I'm actually really glad he was there a few days before (Gag got his wings), as the boys were all gathered by his bedside and Gagik had a few words of love to share, it was a very important moment for the boys and glad that Sevak was part of that moment.

He also got to have another special moment on one of his visits, as Gag gave Sevak a couple of his old watches, his eyes lit up, you could see the excitement on his face... I'm sure he will cherish those forever.

Thank you Sevak for that beautiful heart of yours that could express such words... Gago would be proud. Love you!

nurture those young minds.... they possess gifts we cannot imagine...

love... peace... joy...

my little "man"

It seems like just yesterday... we rushed to the hospital to welcome our first baby into our world. After 20 some hours in labor and with the help of my amazing coach (Gag)... we looked at our firstborns face and shared a ton of tears together... what a beautiful day that was... Gag always says that was the greatest day in his life.... Two and a half years later came our second boy Rob... and the first thing he did was pee on the doc... but that's another story...

And today.... when I look at the face we first saw in that delivery room, I see a young man... who has grown to be such an amazing person...

A couple of days ago... I lost my iron mask... and broke down and cried in front of Arman... I never let myself do that in front of the boys... I want them to know that I'm standing strong for all of us and I don't want them to get scared and worried about me or their future... But, I had gone through a very difficult day and just couldn't hold it in.... and I was comforted by a compassionate, caring, loving young man.... was this that little baby?? The one that used to keep us up all night to read him stories??? How did the years go by so fast... and now I see him standing tall and strong who is willing to be that wall behind my back... to catch me when I fall...

He has been more attentive and helpful in the care of dad... and yes for that I'm so thankful, and proud of him for stepping up to the plate and slowly fitting into the mold of a man, but.... I didn't want him to be thrust into this role so early in his life... and still want him to know that I'm here, that I will still take care of him (them).....and that he doesn't need to grow up so fast... and that in no way will I stand by and see him miss out on his youth... and the best years of his life... just to care for me.... I know.. I know... I'm sounding a bit dramatic... perhaps because that metal lock is off my heart today and the tears are freely sliding off my cheeks...as the words look blurry.... I will stop now.

Yes, life is not being fare to our boys... they need their father and will always need him, at times more that others, but I will always be here... I have made a promise to Gag that although their lives will never be the same....and they will have tough times (that's life), but I will make sure that they will have many happy and joyous days as well...

ok, I seriously can't see the screen anymore....

keep love and peace in your hearts..

Crayons for coloring?

Who says crayons are just for coloring..... our 13 year old creates some amazing art but, prefers just a sharp pencil and whatever paper that's available at the time. He however has found another way of creating with his old crayons, he's been doing this since 2nd grade.


After carefully removing the wrapper... he carves the crayons with his fingernails (no wonder he protests every time I ask to cut his nails)..... and creates these amazing little "weapons" for his action figures.
BRILLIANT RIGHT??

way to "color outside the lines" Rob.
thought I'd share... (am I gloating??? oops :) hey, proud mama here...
love and peace!

My Rock

Today I want to write about a person who is responsible for everything I am, for my very being, for all the good that's inside me, for all the strength and courage I possess.
My mama
She is the most incredible person I have ever known, and I'm not just saying that because she's my mom... not at all. As a child we all love and adore our mothers yes, but as we grow and mature into adults we really get to know this person that we've been calling mom, as an individual, we see things about their character that we never noticed as children. And if we are fortunate enough to spend time with them in our adulthood and really connect as human beings we learn more and more things about each other, one should never miss this opportunity to become their mothers friend.

I feel so fortunate to have her so close to me, especially in this most difficult time in my life. She has been my rock, my voice of reason, my ray of sunshine and well of strength through out this storm. Every quality I have.. I have learned from her, and not so much from advice given but more from her actions all our lives. There is nothing she can't handle, she is always ready, willing and standing tall to reach any one of us at the time of need, she has never put herself first, it's always been family... family... family. She's worked all her life (even now at 65), and has always had a perfectly run household, never missed a PTA meeting or volunteer hours, or to reach a friend in need, to heal some pain with a hug and some kind words, or dinner made...., how does she do it???? And after running around all day she still has the energy (knock on wood) to make sure I laugh or cry if I need to, or unload my heart to her if I need to, or even get some anger out. What would I do without her????
I would rather not ponder that thought and just love her for as long as I can.

If you are fortunate enough to have your mother around still, call her today, and say thanks MOM, I love you!


so THANKS MOM!! I LOVE YOU!

Happy 75th

Mom-in-law turned 75 today, she's had a tough road to this number, but she made it.
With all her illnesses in her life and all that she's had to endure and is still enduring.....
I'm so glad we were able to spend this special day with her, Gag wasn't feeling too strong, but still made the effort to be there, and it made her day.

Happy birthday Sona!

New Members

It looks like I have some baby sitting duties this evening, it's not something I do very often, and I'm so excited (no ecstatic), and a little nervous actually. I mean come on.. last time I had a baby was some thirteen years ago. Things can't be that different right??? Some love and tenderness and this cutie is happy. Besides, we bonded pretty well the day of his birth, you see I was on "dula" duties and helped coach him into the light. So, I think we'll be fine, can't wait.
On the subject of babies..... our families were blessed with four new additions this past year, all boys (love em), and each one with their own little "manly" characters. Little intro...

I'm Yervand, (photo above), my current daily activities are pretty much the same from day to day.... eat, poop, sleep... eat, poop, sleep.... oh and once in a while cry, and I love hanging out with my dad, can't wait to go to auntie Mari's today, (I think she was the one crying when I first popped out).I am Noah, little brother to Nicolas, I'm quite the thinker, always serious, but every now and then I throw a smile out there (just to keep mom happy).
My name is Andre, I have a very talkative big sister Nikki (ya I love her). I'm a Vegas dude, so I love to eat, drink (choice of beverage...milk), and love to stay up late (shhh, it drives mom nuts).
And last but certainly not least.... I'm Peter, family calls me Petik(I think my mom follows this blog;). I'm a very happy go lucky guy, sometimes my round cheeks heart from smiling so much, but what can I do... I'm just happy to be here.

Something about babies.... you just can't help but smile, I don't care who you are, what mood you're in, how pissed off your day went, or how much of a grouch you are... one look at these faces and you smile.
I remember talking to a soccer parent on the field one day, they had four kids and were considering having more, oy right? But the dad said... it's what keeps us young, kids bring so much laughter and joy into a home. Now that our boys are getting bigger, I do wish we had a couple of more of these little ones running around.... oh well we'll just have to wait for grand kids, in the mean time we can enjoy these cuties.

love and peace!