it's that time of your life..

You know how we're always using some famous quotes about life?... "Life is too short".. "Gotta live for the moment".. "It's now or never!".. etc. You get the picture.. Well it seems we are mostly preaching and hardly ever practicing.  Sometimes it's good to follow your own advice and really do just that!.. "it's now or never" or perhaps a new one I just came up with, "it's that time of your life" and you can quote me on that!

We all have dreams, after all it's part of being human to dream, to wish, to hope for and to reach towards those dreams.  Unfortunately most of us just live our day to day lives, going through the usual ups and downs of life and making the best of it, and it may be a comfortable place we have reached and are content with our lives.. but that little dream is still in our head whispering every now and then... reminding us that there was something extraordinary we dreamed of at one point.  Well, I believe we all reach a point in our lives where this dream may have a window, a perfect moment of execution if you will, of going from our imagination to becoming a reality.  The important thing is to identify this little gap, this tiny moment of opportunity for this dream to be lived out.  Although other things in life or the universe may seem not so aligned for this perfect moment but, it seems to be a perfect time in your life... and why not take that leap and live that dream, one would simply be a fool not to.

Where am I going with this?.. Well I've always dreamed of living in Greece, and timing was never right, that tiny gap of opportunity never presented itself.. until now that is.  Needless to say I jumped at the right moment and decided to take a leap and try something I've been dreaming of for some time now, we'll never know until we try right?!   Since I've sold the shop, I work freelance yes but nothing definite of a carreer that I'm messing up by leaving.  We have a place to stay in Greece.  The country may not be in it's best shape at the moment, but as I said it's not the perfect time in the universe that matters only that it's that time in our lives that's perfect for this move.  The kids were the only thing I was concerned about, since I would not go anywhere without them.  When I asked last year after our visit to Greece if they would want to live there... they were hesitant and so I dropped the subject for good.  Until a couple of months ago when they came to me and said that they were thinking about giving it a try.  Imagine my surprise and joy, at the same time the relief I felt that perhaps the time has come and perhaps it's actually going to unfold, this dream of mine...

Fast forward two months, and here we are, I'm sitting in my parents apartment in Thessaloniki, having some tea and writing my first blog about this journey we are on.  It was a busy two months to say the least, it seems you can't just up and leave your home, lot's to do and organize.  Work needed to be finished, home cleaned and sorted as I've rented out my home for the time being.  And saying our goodbys were not easy.  But we did it! Made a decision, stuck to it and made it happen. We will be here for a few months, testing the waters and seeing if this really is a dream we can live with.  It will not be easy, but it will be interesting and more importantly it will be an adventure none  of us will ever forget.  The boys are very excited to be in a new place, trying new things.  They will be taking a semester off of their studies, but think of all the things this experience will teach them.  This will be an interesting challenge for them to see how well they can adapt and I think this is a great opportunity for us three to pull together and bond as the family of three that we are now.

Like I said, it's that time of our lives, perfect little gap in life.  It's now or never.
I'll be writing more about our lives here, the ups and down, the good, the bad and even the ugly.. and of course the beautiful :)

Peace and Light to you my friends.

Now is all we have..

Life teaches us many lessons from the time we come into this world to the very last day we breath.  With all the lessons comes great knowledge, experience, regret, foresight, patience and most of all understanding.  Some lessons are harder to learn and therefore we face them a few more times than we really want to...

If I've learned anything from the years that are behind me now, is that life.. with all it's beauty and joy can also be a very ugly and painful thing.  I've learned that nothing lasts, that all the good and the bad eventually dwindle away and end..  Pure joy and utter pain don't necessarily ever leave but perhaps we just get used to it and become numb as we grow older, and with each experience and lesson we perhaps get tougher, more resilient.. and in the process loose our childish enthusiasm, imagination and curiosity.  We accept things with more ease, stop fighting with our inner demons and even take the joyous experiences with a slight smile rather than a hearty laugh..

In my case... we went from having a comfortable, warm and fuzzy life to a harsh, treacherous, painful existence, surrounded by pain and grief.  Surviving days with tears and hardship while barely making it through nights with a cold bed, wet pillows and a longing for warmth..  But as time goes by, and even though the pain is still the same... we've gotten used to it, have built an immunity to grief, and are a bit more numb to everything that comes with life..  I see it in my boys and I feel it deep inside of me..

Lessons learned?? Still figuring that part out, but the most important lesson I've learned from all this is, like I said.. nothing last forever, happiness can be lost at a moments time, and sadness eventually leaves as well... So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will say this... all we have left is NOW!  Whatever situation we may find ourselves in, that is all we have, so we may as well laugh whole hearted as well as cry from deep within.  This very moment will never repeat, and the joy or pain we feel right now is the very essence of being human, of living our lives.. however long that may be.  I think by really submerging ourselves deep into this moment we can say that we are human and at the end of our journey, as we look back at all the miles we've walked... we can say that we've lived... and learned... and experienced all that this life had in store for us..

And that is a satisfying feeling...

just another update

Hello dear old friends, it's been a long time since I've put any words on these pages. Have not visited any of you at your corners either, I've missed you all and the blogosphere...

I have however been reading some of my old posts in the recent weeks and have realized what a positive and energetic person I was all throughout this horrible time in our lives. Not to say that I'm a negative person at the moment but, my energy levels are depleting and each day is getting more and more challenging to get through. Now you all know I started this blog to open my heart and mind, express myself through this experience and hopefully help others who may be going through a similar chapter in their lives. I'm sure that is exactly why I was able to handle all that happened and this blog really helped me stay sane...

So, with that in mind I think it's time for another update on this grief thing we're going through. I guess the old saying is that "time heals all wounds" and "in time things get easier".... Well I think it would be more accurate to say that it gets worse before it gets any better. Of course it's different for every person, and it's different depending on who you've lost. A loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a sibling, a spouse are not at all the same. The pain and suffering may be on the same level but the aftermath and all that is required to survive each day is an entirely different path.

Since I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any other close loved ones, except grandparents from old age and illness, I can only give you guys a perspective from my point of view... one of a widow, one of a person who has lost a husband and a best friend, as well as one of a mother helping her boys through the loss of their father. Not an easy task, but grief is in no way ever easy regardless of who one looses. In our case, loosing him was needless to say very hard but, what makes it so much harder is when we lost him. Of course one is never ready to lose a loved one and there is no better time for things like this, but perhaps when we lose an older member of the family, it still hurts but we are comforted by the thought that he or she lived a full life, watched their kids grow, had grandchildren, etc.. and in some way we tend to think life has come full circle and it was their time to go.

When we lose a younger person, one who still had so much to live for and so much to see and experience still... then it's more difficult to find peace with this harsh reality. I can't help but think of all that we still had to do together, and all that he still needed to see, and this hurts me a great deal. Now this tragedy couldn't have happened at a worse time in our boys lives too, they are teens heading into manhood, in great need of their father. I can do all that I can, but will never fill his shoe, and that is a fact, a harsh fact of life that we just need to accept and live with. And in this area I think we're doing ok, we are a close family and that is our power against this tough situation.

Life it would seem is not really fair, we say this all the time and most of the time we don't really think about all that this saying means.. In my case, I was very fortunate to have had a great marriage, and yet it was short lived and ended at a time when we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Our boys were getting older and more independent, we were planning on embarking on a new life, we had big plans and were looking forward to more wonderful years together. So much to live for... But once again, it was short lived, and perhaps it was his time to go, I've come to terms with that now and in some way I'm in peace with it. What the challenge is now, is to reboot and come up with a whole new set of dreams and plans that don't include him. This is the hardest part, I still want to live in the past and replay the images on my mind of all the dreams we had for our future. But I can't!

I need to once again find out who I am without him, what I want from life and the paths I want to take. My boys, their happiness and well being is all I can think about. But with the challenges each day I have to face as a single mother, trying to make things better for all of us... it's not an easy task. When you are busy surviving each day, you don't have time to live!

However I am hopeful, I am after all a pessimistic optimist and there are some rays of sunshine in the horizon.. Thanks for lending an ear once again my friends.

peace

the human spirit...

I witnessed something amazing the other day,

I saw the beauty and strength of the human spirit.

This man who has seen 80 years of life zoom by,

who has loved, laughed and cried through those years,

who is now terminally ill and nearing the end of his journey...

Still refuses to fold his hand,

still willing to take a bite out of life and savor every moment of it.

Barely able to walk he wanted to dance, and dance he did....

dominating the dance floor for what seemed a joyful eternity for the wide eyed cheering crowd.

He may have Greek and Armenian blood running through his veins..

But it was the human spirit that is still alive and well deep in his soul that captured my heart....

I am inspired....as we all should be!

LOVE...PEACE...JOY...

a year ago..

So I realized the other day that April 3rd marked my one year anniversary in the blogosphere. I guess I've been a bit too busy with all that life has thrown my way lately, and missed that day and the opportunity to have an anniversary blog post. Well, it's been almost a month now, so doing a special post to commemorate the year missed it's turn.

However... I feel that perhaps there are a few things I can note about the past year. What a year... I can honestly say-and I have done so in the past- that this corner of mine really did save my sanity in all the darkness we had to endure. When I first started writing here, my husband was fighting the battle with his illness already and in the months that followed, with all the pain and the ugliness that cancer brought to our lives.... we shared many happy moments. There was a lot of love and joy still residing in our home, and I'm so glad that I was able to share those moments with all of you here and in some way writing about all of it eased the experience for me and gave me a place to not only document that time in our lives, but also created a place to look back on. The pages here hold so much love, sadness, pain, joy, beauty... in other words life...our life, the last moments of his life... and no matter how painful it can be for us to flip through these pages at times, it still fills our hearts with joy and warmth... The kind words that all of you gave me also warms my heart, those very words kept me going so many times, on so many days where my strength was running low, you guys gave me strength and hope...and for all of that I am so thankful. This corner of mine shared by all of you DID save my sanity and my life, I am the person still standing here today because of you... because of the love you all showed me..

In fact, as I sit here this windy morning in LA, looking at the photo in front of me on my desk of my husband and I... all the memories we made together are rushing through my head. We have a great many... we did a lot together, saw many things, felt so much, experienced a lifetime together... I am so grateful for that...

Here's whats going through my mind now... let's sit for a moment, get a pen and paper and write down all the things we've done in our lives so far. All the things we are proud of and the things we've done that we are not so proud of, write down all the big and little things we've achieved, the greatness we've shown at times as well as the ugly and bad things we've done. All the beauty we've seen, all that we've felt, all we've experienced... Think about it... how many times do we really sit back and replay our lives in our head... not many. Most of us think back on our lives at the end of the road, on our way out, and hope that it was a full life, one that doesn't give us too many regrets. But what if we can do this on our path, as we are walking it in stead of at the end of it... For one thing, we can see that we have lived so far, that we have had many experiences, good and bad, and that all we've seen and done has brought us here, and for that we should be thankful. However... if the life we see behind us feels empty and unfulfilled... perhaps we can open our eyes and our hearts a bit more, and let life penetrate our days. Perhaps by seeing on paper what we have or have not done yet.. will push us into living a fuller life... and maybe we will be more open to experiencing things that come our way... huh maybe it's time to make a bucket list...

Time to live our lives to the fullest.... so... let's let life penetrate our days...

love...peace...joy...

who we are today...

Now I know most of you have thought about this too, must have crossed your mind at one point or another in your lives. Perhaps something small on a given day makes you think of someone in your past, or a situation you are faced with brings back memories of people that have impacted your life in some way. An old friend, someone you loved, an experience you had a long time ago.... a kind word from a loved one, a good bit of advice someone gave you, an acquaintance who is long gone or even a stranger you exchanged some words with....people who have touched your heart or spoke to your soul... some who hold a special place in your heart...

When we do think back and reflect, we see that every one of those people who have come and gone, or are still part of our lives, who we were fortunate to find or come in contact with... all hold a deep connection in our hearts. Some were important stepping stones to the person we are today. And we realize that most of these people, we were meant to cross paths with in order to grow, to learn, to laugh, to cry, to feel, to experience, to hurt, to love, to make us think, to open our eyes.... in other words to create the layers that make up the whole person we are...

This is an ongoing process of this thing called life... it is not over yet by any means, we will still meet people who will touch us, show us something new to discover, share words still not spoken, make us feel things not felt yet.... And our heart will grow ever more to hold more memories, our souls will get deeper, our wisdom stronger.... as the saying goes... "we live and learn"... till the day we close our eyes forever...

We honor those long gone who have touched us, and meant so much to us by thinking of them, by remembering the things we've learned and felt through them, but what of the people that are still with us, or the ones we've lost contact with. I think if any one person has made an impact in our lives, or holds that special place in our hearts... they need to know that in some small way they still live in us, with us, through us. We should tell them.... perhaps today they need to hear it...they need to know that they are special to someone out there, that they put a small brick in the foundation of someones life.... tell them, think of them, thank them, honor them....

So, here's to all that is yet to come, to all the hearts and souls that will touch us and be touched by us.... all that still remains to be learned and seen, to be felt and experienced...all still to look forward to...


love...peace...joy...

security...

I've been contemplating about this post, wondering if I should write it or not. It's a touchy subject, most people don't like talking about it with others, it's the sort of thing that you discuss with close family, if that...But I have shared many deep and intimate issues with all of you, so perhaps this is something that needs to be covered as well...as this too is a part of the path I find myself on right now...

Most of you know from previous posts, about our shop, and I may have mentioned on several occasions that business has been on a steady decline for a couple of years now. This is mostly why I decided to get my culinary degree and possibly do something different. My husband used to think that the industry is slowly dying and it was time to venture out into a different one. Well since his death, now seven months ago.. things have been going worse at the shop, I've tried with many failed attempts to keep it afloat, but it would seem that it's a very heavy, fast sinking ship. I haven't given up on it yet, he invested so much of his life in this place and I want to do all I can to keep it going, even if it means getting into more and more dept, I owe him and our hard working employees that much... So, we'll see..I have a few more projects to give the business a new life with and I hope these wont fail miserably as the others did.

Let me get to my point here without putting any of you to sleep... What I want to talk about here today is the subject of money, of possibly better and smarter thinking about your future and the future of your loved ones. Now, mind you we didn't throw money on senseless things nor did we save, the business needed a constant reinvestment of our funds and we worked hard to establish something that could grow and be our security blanket for our future and our children's future as well...not a very smart strategy I know...but hey that was us and to a certain extent we had a pretty modest yet comfortable life...But life as it seems is never safe, there are no guarantees, none of us really have a secure future if you think about it... But I think there is one sure way we can at least do something for our families that may give them some sort of a security blanket in the future...after we are gone... If you don't already have life insurance, please get it now, as soon as possible, it is probably the best investment you can make in your life...
Now..I know what you are thinking.... yes...no amount of money can replace your loved one, but let me tell you, what is worse than grieving for the loss of someone so important in your life, is going through this grief with the stress and burden of financial hardship. It makes for a very difficult situation... Now I'm not writing this so you can worry about me, or feel sorry or pity me. That is not me, I refuse to be pitied or to feel weak, nor would I ever give up hope. I have an amazing family that supports me in every way possible, and I do have faith in myself, I know that I will get through this as well, and as my husband used to say... this too shall pass...I just want you guys to think about it, ask yourselves this question..."If I'm gone tomorrow, how will my family live, are they secure enough to at least get through the hard times?".... Just something to think about...

On that note, today I invested in my children's future and the future of their children... Life is not safe, we don't know what awaits us tomorrow or the next day... So, yes..we live each day as if it's our last, we love fully, laugh a lot and give joy to our loved ones...and in the process we also need to give them a warm blanket for when they will need it most.... We live and learn, and hopefully correct the mistakes we've made in the years past...


love...peace...and joy...

a life worth laughing about...

I found myself thinking of my paternal grandfather the other day, what a happy, full of life kind of man he was... Actually I have been very fortunate to have had both sets of my grandparents around growing up, all beautiful people...so much I have learned from them...

For some reason my thoughts took me back to the day he passed away many years ago, I was in my teens back then. What I remember most about that day, as we rushed over there after receiving a phone call from my grandmother that morning saying that he had flown away... was all the happy memories we shared and the amount of laughing we did that day. As a young girl I thought it very strange... that having had just lost a man we all loved so much, a man who had given us so much joy throughout our lives... we should be sad and hurting.... But instead as we sat there for hours that day with family around, and with all the tears we shed..we laughed more that day then on so many happier occasions... We remembered his happy character, and all the funny things he did just to make us all laugh.... He was a very kind man, loving, patient, loved animals, he was a Veterinarian, he also had an amazing talent with building things out of metal. The sound of him working in his shed, as he pounded the hot metal into shapes still rings in my ears and gives me that warm feeling you get with certain memories from your childhood. He was also very much in love with my grandmother...who was a very free spirited woman that loved to sing and when she smiled with her round, pink cheeks it brightened my grandfathers face.... Perhaps that is where we learn how to love, when we see it at our young age in it's raw form.... and there is much we learn as children by observing our surroundings...

I think young souls benefit so much from spending time with the older generation, their stories and experiences shared are life long lessons that stay with us in our hearts. Each memory I think back on touches my soul and the love that's there is so solid. All our children should be as lucky to have that sweet time with their grandparents, it really does enrich our lives...

Now, as an adult when I think back to that day, I understand more than ever why we laughed so much even though our hearts were in pain.... This man had seen much sorrow and pain in his life, lost family at a young age during the Armenian Genocide, had gone through much hardship in his adult life, but still smiled and laughed every opportunity he had...and also brought much joy to everyone around him. That was him... it was the whole of his life... that is what he had left us with...
A simple man, yet in our eyes and hearts a man of greatness... After all isn't that how we all want to be remembered? We should strive to live this way, give joy and love to others as well as find it within ourselves... I would consider myself very lucky if on the day I fly away...my family will have so much to laugh about.
As hard as things have been, loosing my husband, especially with the circumstances...him being so young and the illness that consumed him in the end... with all the pain we feel, we have laughed a lot still, much happiness was left behind by him too. In his very short life, he was able to do that which many people fail at in their entire lives. He captured many hearts with his love for all things and the joy he spread will live on in so many souls....

A life worth living and in the end worth laughing about...

Spread love and joy...

month five... the holidays

Today marks the fifth month of being without our loving, happy guy. Needless to say... it has been an ongoing roller coaster of emotions and definitely a deep learning process... learning to let go, learning to let ourselves grieve, learning to close my eyes and picture his face with a wide smile, learning to comfort myself, my boys and other loved ones...even though there are no words that can actually comfort us...
The holidays are coming...and I'm not prepared or unprepared for that matter, I don't want to go into it stressing out because everyone keeps saying how hard it's going to be... well, it's hard everyday, and yes I know... it's the first year, it's only been five months and yes it will be hard, to be honest I don't think the years ahead will be any easier, especially on such occasions... But we'll manage as we have every day since...
I want to post our Christmas cards from the past seventeen years together, we did a photo every year, even last year with all that was going on... I still wanted to send out cards to spread joy to everyone who was still in shock of hearing the "bad" news... Each year these cards adorned many a mantels, and with each year we were happy to share with our family and friends, the family we were growing into... our little union that was prospering...
But... we will not have jolly words to write on cards this year, there will be no Christmas tree or wrapped presents stacked under it, no Christmas parties to attend or presents to buy, we won't hang lights around the house, no mistletoe anywhere to be seen. In stead we'll have the warmth and togetherness of family and friends who will help us through the days to come, with each memory we share we'll keep Gag in our hearts, he'll be with us in spirit this year and the years to come.... and that my friends is all we want and need for Christmas.

our first Christmas as husband and wife (1992)

Arman's first Christmas (1993)

our little hyper toddler (1994)

happily expecting our second child (1995)

Robert's first Christmas (1996)

they were inseparable those days (1997)

our little family growing (1998)

they loved to pose for pictures (1999)

Robert's winning smile (2000)

a very jolly picture (2001)

one big happy family (2002)

this was our best year in soccer (2003)

Mexico, (2004)

growing up (2005)

went to Armenia that year (2006)

boys entering teen hood (2007)

we used my graduation photo last year (2008)

Hope you enjoyed the photos... my heart feels joy as I look at them and at the same time the pain is overwhelming as well.... Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season surrounded by your loved ones.


love...peace...joy...

change...

Change.... is Mother Natures way of moving forward...
There is much to be learned from her...


Have a great weekend everyone!

love...peace...joy...

Gag's plan..

As most of you know Gagik wanted to be cremated and had specific instruction on what he wanted done with his ashes. Part of the ashes were buried so that family will have a grave site to visit, and the other half was to be scattered at specific locations. He wanted some to be taken to a little place we used to go in Baja Mexico where we've had some great times, some he wanted scattered on and along the 3rd green at his favorite golf course, and the rest taken to Armenia, his birthplace. I've decided to keep some of it for myself to be mixed with my ashes when my time comes, so that once again we may be reunited.

We are planning to take his ashes to Armenia next summer if all is well, the Mexico trip was planned over Thanksgiving weekend, but we had a close family friend who passed away that week and the trip was postponed. As far as the golf course.... it has been an ongoing planning effort over the past couple of months. Every time we tried to plan it, something always came up or schedule conflicts put it off, so after many failed attempts the date was finally set for yesterday... the reservations at the golf course were made, everyone that was involved were notified, Gag's ashes were ready to be freed from the container, golf clubs were cleaned and ready to go.... then everything went wrong... or did it??

I have a theory... now feel free to call me crazy, delusional even (I won't hold it against you guys)... but I can't find any other logical explanation for what happened...so hear me out. As my brother got to the golf course he had a couple of phone calls from the other guys that were going to join him, Gagik's sister's husband, and his cousin's husband were both unable to make it, and the other person with whom Gag always played golf with (his other cousins husband) was running late. Knowing my brother, I knew that he was probably upset that once again this plan was going to fall through... but he took a deep breath, put a smile on his face and decided to take the "Gag" approach and just relax, hit a bucket of balls at the driving range and let the day pan out as it will.... You see, I think Gag had it all planned for us, Nick finally showed up and the game finally got under way... And who were the only people that ended up on the golf course yesterday? The two golf buddies that Gagik always had next to him walking the course...

So, you see no matter how much we planned for this special day to go as we wanted... Gag had other plans, he wanted to walk the course just with his golf partners one last time... it was his wish and that's exactly how it happened.... You may call it coincidence, or just a series of events, but I kinda like my version of things better...

Here are some pictures taken by my brother, and according to him... it was a perfect day!

(the 3rd )

(Nick)

(Gag's resting place on the 3rd green)

love...peace...joy...

giving thanks...

I guess this one day of the year is the day we reflect... we stop... to be thankful for all that is good in our lives. This one day when we gather with our loved ones, our friends and appreciate our lives, the people that make it a special life for us, we give thanks for the little things that make us smile inside....we give thanks for the roof over our head, for the love we share with the ones around us, for our health..... then we feast, get stuffed much like the turkey we just ate and the next day...we go on with our lives, slowly forgetting all those little things we gave thanks for, as we once again get overwhelmed with all the other little things that cause us to worry and stress over, and we slowly get back to the rush of life, zooming through our days...forgetting to even smile at times let alone be thankful.

I don't mean to sound so cynical on a joyous day like this, but let's face it... that is exactly what happens in life, we commemorate and celebrate holidays such as Thanksgiving, by counting our blessings and being thankful, and like Valentines Day by expressing our love to that special person in our lives.... Then we forget... we forget everything and get into the zombie mode till the next holiday slaps us on our face to be awake that day and enjoy the present. On this day of giving thanks... I want to pass on a message to all of you...

BE THANKFUL EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIVES, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS EACH MOMENT, EXPRESS YOUR LOVE ON EACH DAY BREAK, BE KIND AND GIVING ON ALL THE DAYS IN STEAD OF JUST CHRISTMAS, AND LAUGH WHOLE HEARTED WITH EACH JOYOUS MOMENT!

My husband was such a man...why wait till a day on the calendar instructs you to give thanks, or to say I love you or to be happy... why not be that way on all the days in our lives...however long or short.
So, today as any other day I give thanks for the gift that was given to me, his presence in my life, his love that to this day overflows my heart, for the countless happy moments that we had together, for my beautiful boys he left behind. I am thankful for having known and loved him, I am thankful for all that he taught me... for all the "I love yous", for all the hugs, for all the smiles, for all the walks, all the talks, each time he held my hand or asked me to smile...
I AM THANKFUL!
And not just today, or tomorrow, or the next day... but for all the days that lay ahead in my life..

Enjoy your family and friends today, enjoy the food and festivities, give your thanks and tomorrow.... don't forget all that you were thankful for... each day is a blessing, hold it dear to your heart, own up to it and be awake for each moment...

I leave you with my warmest wishes for today and some love from my heart..

love...peace...joy...

three months behind us...the rest of our lives ahead still..

What can I say... I just miss this smiling face so much...today marks three months.
Three very tough months... and not to say that the rest of our lives will be any easier, but the memories of this happy person make us laugh, and he still manages to fill our hearts with joy...
that's all I have to say today...


love...peace...joy...

still learning....

Having been a Psych major in collage, and an overall nut about all things human... our behaviour, our inner senses that are a very delicate and complicated web... our reactions to things... our undying quest for self and purpose....
This past experience has also been a very interesting time for me from an observation stand. I don't know about you, but I am always examining and reexamining myself, my thoughts, the way I handle situations, emotions etc... I have always been that way, but after studying the human psyche and reading quite a bit on the subject, I think I've become more and more aware of this interest of mine.

Naturally... after a person goes through a major ordeal like the one I've been through the past couple of years, your emotional and psychological state goes through a whirlwind of ups and downs, and many sessions of crashes and reboots... But in the end, somehow, we still survive...some may even say conquer ourselves and our inner daemons that so often, (in some people) win the battle.

There are so many changes I've noticed within my very character, some so noticeable that friends and family have pointed them out as well. But... how much of it is normal and how much alarming?? That is the real question... and actually how much of it should be embraced and how much should be shaken off??

Of course I'm different... how can I possibly be the same person? When I've lived the past seventeen years of my life with another person, with whom I've shared most of my days, thoughts, emotions, my joys, pains and sorrows with. Someone to be responsible for and someone who was responsible for me, someone whom I made plans with, did things for, cared for, worried about... And now... that person who was my ever present breath next to me is no longer there... and ya I know what you're going to say... he's still here and always will be. But that's not what I'm talking about..

Here are some examples... very small and insignificant things, but these are the things that make me realize that there is someone...something missing in my everyday life... When I'm in the supermarket shopping... I reach for the things that Gag enjoyed eating, then put them back... like the brand of coffee he preferred or the kind of orange juice he liked etc. .. A load of laundry is missing from the usual pile... his usual spot on the table or the sofa is empty... we ask for a table for 3 in stead of 4 when out... junk mail still arriving with his name on it...or having to explain to the telemarketer on the other line why they should never call back and ask for him... and of course the worse...not hearing him whisper "sweet dreams" before I close my eyes every night.
You see where I'm getting at here??? So... how can I be the same person??

I undoubtedly can not... and most likely will not ever be the same person, but that is human nature... we change with each experience, be it a joyous one like becoming a parent... or a painful one such as loosing a loved one. The difficult task, aside from dealing with the pain and usual symptoms of a grieving heart... is learning to adjust to these changes, learning to like yourself again, to get to know yourself once again, and ultimately accepting these changes within yourself, so that you can live with yourself again... Of course this journey presents yet another challenge... which is having your loved ones and your friends learn to accept these changes as well. For many years they are used to you being a certain way, and now at times your behaviour throws them off, which leads them to believe that you "must be" in trouble or in need of help. Where in reality, you yourself are confused and are learning to adjust.

We humans are a very interesting species to say the least, but what amazes me time and time again is the amount of things we can handle that gets thrown our way in this life of ours. And the majority of us do end up surviving.. conquering.. and gaining a greater understanding of our inner layers. I think the first step in adjusting to these changes is accepting and understanding them. And yes, at times you want that inner "fetal position" to win.. because on some days that's all you want to do, and it's ok to give in at times...as all us humans need that position from time to time, but we can not indulge in that too often, because ultimately we will lose, and we will not only lose ourselves, but in the process will lose everything we love.

So... the journey continues, having learned a lot... yet so much more to be learned still..

I am here, learning... adjusting... accepting... struggling.... surviving and conquering...


love...peace...joy...and some patience!

i'm still here...

Hey blogoshere... in case any of you were wondering... I'm still here, a bit discombobulated... but here...

It's been such an exhausting week or so, both physically and emotionally (but what else is new right??). Had a lot done at the shop with the renovation projects, phase one and two are complete and just have phase three left, which is the big one and will require some muscle. Thanks to some family members and the fact that my dad taught me how to use some power tools and a paintbrush when I was younger... this project has gone quite smoothly. With all it's emotional setbacks for me personally this has been a very positive part of the past couple of weeks.
The crew at work are very excited and happy that the shop is now a much brighter place to work. They have been such an important part of our lives, like I've mentioned before they are like family and have gone above and beyond to make sure business proceeds smoothly and that all is well taken care of for the past couple of years especially, since both Gag and I had not been spending too much time there. I'm so grateful to them and with this project hope that work will go even more smoothly now.

Even though I had different plans for myself when I started culinary school back in '08, I'm happy to take on the responsibilities of running the shop, and making sure that Gag's hard work and the years he put into "his first baby" as he called it, goes on and prospers in his memory, and with a great group of people that I have behind me, who care as much about the place as I do this will make it a lot more easier of a task. And let's face it having the flexibility of my hours at the shop is priceless considering how much the boys need me now and how important my time with them is right now.

Let's talk about the boys a little, I'm not sure if you've noticed... but I try not to discuss the boys as much here, and there is a reason for it. First of all they do have access to my blog, and do read it from time to time and I don't really want them to feel embarrassed that I spill everything about them to a bunch of strangers (to them :), and secondly... oh I don't know I can't think of the second reason now, but I just don't feel very comfortable writing too much about them. I have no trouble unloading my inner soul to you all, but these are my thought and feeling, and I feel I don't have the right to do the same to them. Anyways hope this all makes sense to you guys.

But, I will give you a little picture of where they are now, and the things that really require my 100%. Robert... is a bit younger, had less time with dad and is a more emotional person, who is not really shy to express himself (remind you of anyone ?). So I find it much easier to talk to him about dad, he tells me how he feels, and how much he misses him... we talk about him a lot and remember things and laugh and cry together, that makes him feel better and is a big relief for me as well..

Arman on the other hand is already in the stage of his life that can be quite confusing and frustrating, plus to top it off he has the loss of his father to deal with. He was more attached to dad, they had more time together, and shared their passion for sports, and therefore had some very special one on one time. And I imagine it is very hard for him to go through his days. The reason I say "I imagine" is because it is very difficult talking to him about dad, every time I bring him up or try and remind him of something funny dad did, or something he would say.. he just changes the subject and shuts it out... yes it is very hard for him to talk about dad, and he hates to see me cry (he has mentioned to me), but he's coming around a little at a time, I wont push him, he'll do it when he is ready. Getting back on the field and playing was a big step for him, and I'm impressed at the way he got "back on the horse".

So, this is our life... keeping busy, coping, taking it one day at a time....sharing laughs and tears.... this is the way we'll face this new life. Although I'll be really honest... at times I feel like I'm living a stranger's life, that this really isn't me, all this didn't really happen to Gag and our family, and maybe that's a good thing at times, because the actuality and the reality of it all is too painful and will devour us. There are days I walk around like a zombie, unaware of my surroundings, missing the meaning in it all, but still put that fake smile on my face and take care of the boys, who are... this very moment my only reason for living. Yes, I know alarming words but... don't worry I guess if I'm aware of my "depression" at times then it can't really be as bad right?? I'm also quite aware and have accepted that all these feeling are normal, and I should just let them come and go, some days are very happy and productive....and others are very dark and filled with pain, just gotta let it roll I guess. In a way I'm glad that I'm a bit of an optimistic pessimist...if there is such a thing, but overall we're doing ok, I just hate the fact that he is gone and all the things that he still had to live for he didn't... basically he got the short end of the stick, and that pisses me off... and I'm allowed that much anger right???

Well once again thanks for lending an ear or two, and thanks for sticking around for my posts, I know it's not one of those inspiring, perky blog pages that most of us like to visit, but I hope that in some way all these words will find a place in your hearts and can help if ever you find yourselves in a dark place in life.


love...peace...joy...

as requested... a few facts about Gag

A few posts ago, I had an anonymous reader request that I do a post about Gagik's character, about the things he felt strongly about, his motto in life, the words he lived by....

So today marks two month since he flew away, I though it would be a great opportunity to do this. I have talked a lot about him in my past posts, especially in the early days of blogging and the days that were the toughest for us. I also wrote a poem about him which pretty much sums up who he was as a person. So, lets see....

I'll start by saying that he was a very practical man with logic behind every decision he made in life (except the one about marrying me :) he was head over heals in love and we all know logic has no chance against love, but it was a wise decision... we both thought. He was a deep thinker, but didn't always engage in deep conversations. He loved being around friends and family, and enjoyed the simple things that life had to offer...be it a glass of vino with some good friends, or being around the BBQ grill with a nice cold shot of vodka, sharing a few good laughs... or a simple cup of coffee with me.

He expressed love freely, but never really smothered you with too much of it, he also never had any conflicts with anyone (everyone that knows him can vouch for that), this is not to say that he never disagreed at times, but knew when to push his point and when to let it go... which is something we should all strive for (hmmm perhaps that's why we never really had a fight, people can vouch for that too :).

He was a big family man and yet enjoyed his time with friends as well, which I encouraged (hey... men gotta do their guy things once in a while right), he felt the same when it came to me and my girlfriends, I think that's very healthy for a relationship. Being a dad was his greatest joy, because he grew up without a father, he was always determined to be the best at it... and he was. As a husband he was a very patient and loving man, never nit-picked at little things, hey I'm not perfect and I'm sure sometimes I did things that upset him, but once again like he always said..."never mind the little things", he always supported my decisions, we did run a business together for 17 years and quite successfully might I add. He wasn't a "romantic" person, the way society depicts romance to be, which is so far from reality, but he was always affectionate and his thinking on that was.... "if I'm going to be a jerk to you all year long and then get you a dozen red roses for Valentine's day, then that's not really love". And that's exactly how I feel about it, we were very loving all the time so there were no special occasions for us to "celebrate".

He was a man of his word and went out of his way for people who needed his help, and that wasn't just for friends and family, he had a great compassion for his fellow man. A calm life was all he would dream of, he was very easy going and tried to keep a harmonious relationship with everyone and for everyone. He was a firm believer of moderation in all aspects of his life, and tried to pass that message on to everyone whenever he could.

As a friend he was a great listener, which made him a terrific friend, he was always there when you needed him but, didn't bombard you with advise you didn't need, and never judged you, all excellent qualities in a friend (his closest friends can vouch for this too).

He believed in trial and error and letting kids explore their own possibilities and yet was a very cautious parent. He appreciated all the little blessings every day in his life, and gave a 110% to whatever he was involved in at any time...

Did this guy have no flaws you ask??? Well he was human and I'm sure he did... but I sure wasn't going to nit-pick at them, I guess the good outweighed the bad most of the time... oh wait I got one...
He loved to sleep in and not that this is a flaw... but me... a morning person... him a total night owl, you couldn't pay him enough to get up early, unless he had a golf game scheduled or was going fishing... of course he never ate the fish he caught, hated all sea food, and feta cheese, unbelievable considering he was half Greek huh?

The other thing everyone loved about him was his happy attitude in life, no matter how bad of a day he had, if you asked him how he was... his answer was always the same... "spectacular"... "terrific"... and he meant it too. The cutest part of his character, I loved... was when he was in a crowd he wasn't familiar with or uncomfortable in, he would always start cracking jokes and that is exactly why he was the life of any party, actually that's exactly how he reeled me in.... his sense of humor... he could make me laugh like no one has, so all you single guys out there, remember the ladies love a man that can make them laugh. He loved it when I laughed especially with a good chuckle.

As I've mentioned before...he wasn't big on words but showed his ideals in life with his actions.
His mother and sister were a very important part of his life, he always worried about them and tried to do the best he could to make them happy, after he lost his dad, at 10, he felt that he needed to protect them at all coast, which made him a very carrying person... I guess it's true... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, the tough times he went through made him who he was, I'm a true believer that we are all the product of our lives and experiences.

Well, I hope you all got to know Gag a little better now, and here is the thing, he was a great man, and is missed tremendously by all who knew him...I know how hard it has been to go on with our lives without this happy, smiling person, so all of our friends and family who read my blog, but rarely comment or if you do it's usually on my link on facebook.... today I want all of you guys out there to leave a few words here, and tell us your thoughts about him, I want my blog friends to hear what you have to say, so don't be shy and speak up, do it for Gag...

By the way... I always proofread my posts out loud...just in case he is listening , we all know how he loved when I read my blog to him....:)


love...peace...joy...

what a roller coaster.....

What a roller coaster of a weekend we had...

Talk about too many "highs" and "lows" all condensed into one weekend... Not that our days are not filled with a lot of these peeking emotions lately. On any given day I go from crying out loud to laughing out loud within minutes, or may be really sad one moment and singing to a song on the radio while tears roll down my cheeks the next...

But, for some reason I feel really exhausted from the emotional whirlwind of this weekend.

our shop

I started a renovation project at our shop, and the first stage went very smoothly and a lot was accomplished, but not without the ever constant flow of tears. Being there on a weekend, painting walls... tearing old things down to be replaced by the new ones.... just brought back so many memories of Gag, this is what we did over the years, on some weekends together. So, as happy and excited as I was for taking care of the things that have been needing some serious attention, I caught myself just staring at something we built together and realizing how much I miss him... then the tears would roll again....

Arman's first year playing

Then there was the first futball game of the season, and once again as much as I was filled with joy to see Arman out on the field, playing the game he loves, armed with his goalie gloves....it was still very painful being there, as this was something we used to do as a family... throughout the whole game I kept hearing Gag's voice giving directions to the boys, cheering them on, and joking around with the parents on the sidelines. It was an evening game, his favorite time of the day to play...as the sun was setting, he would say "this is the best light for pictures, get your camera ready love".... then the lights would come on and the game took on a whole different stage, playing under the lights was what he called a "real game". I kept thinking... finally the boys have gotten older and the game they play has taken on a more serious tone, not a bunch of six year olds chasing after the ball anymore... this is when he would've enjoyed it so much more...and he's not here to reap the fruits of his tree....

But the most emotional part of the weekend was when I took his mom to visit the grave site. She is ill, has been for most of her life, three open heart surgeries and a life of struggle raising two kids without her husband on her side, so being as weak and fragile, she wasn't present for any of the ceremonies and hadn't visited the cemetery till now, it would just be too painful for her. But, on Saturday morning I get a call from her at the shop, as I'm covered in paint... she told me that she wants to visit him, right then... so I dropped everything and took her to see her one and only son's tombstone. I shouldn't have to tell you what a difficult thing it was for her to be there and for me to witness it and not be able to give her any comfort, because no matter what you say to a mother who's lost a child... nothing can give her peace.

So, overall .... like I said a very emotional weekend, filled with high moments and very low moments, boy I tell you this grief business is quite exhausting and can drain you of all your energy. But, we still go on, still have to overcome each moment for Gag's sake, for the boys sake... for just keeping his memory alive and to make him proud of all the things that we achieve on a daily basis. We miss him, there is no doubt, the boys sleep by my side from time to time.... I don't think it's to comfort me or just because my bed is bigger and more comfortable, but because they miss dad, and sleeping on "his side" of the bed makes them feel a bit closer perhaps, they don't know how to express their grief and pain any other way...

So, another Monday... time to regroup and get to living... things to be done, to be seen, to be experienced... must... keep... going...


love...peace...joy....

random thoughts from beach side

When you find yourself lounging around with nothing to do... nowhere to be... you need to entertain yourself right??? And how does one do this? If surrounded by lots of people... do what I do... the next best thing to gossip... people watching (Gag and I loved to do this).
Ok, first you will need the necessary gear: dark sunglasses (so people can't tell where your eyes are lurking about); a margarita on the rocks (or beverage of choice); some sort of reading material (just to look busy); and music if you like a soundtrack to go with the picture :). You're set, now sit back and just enjoy....

So, here are some of the things I observed during this session of people watching, while I sipped on my drink, taking in the sun and the gorgeous view in front of me.... mind you some of these issues really tick me off... or grind my gears if you will... ok ...

#1.. This is what I don't get about people (well just one of the things)... they pay loads of money to fly miles away to a dreamy destination with white sandy beaches and turquoise water... only to spend 90% of their time there in the POOL!!! They choose the chlorine filled, sweat, mucus and pee infested water (ya... you think those kids are actually going to come out of the pool to pee... or the drunk adults for that matter?... don't think so).
So what is it, that draws them to the pool??? The wet bar??? You can get your drinks delivered beach side too people... I just don't get it... oh well to each his own, all I'm saying is... why then, go to the Caribbean? You can just stay at a Comfort Inn somewhere in Oklahoma.. and just hang out at the pool (not that there is anything wrong with Oklahoma...)
And this time we didn't only have the sand and the turquoise water... we had our own private little reef, where you could snorkel for free and see marine life with all it's beauty, like barracudas... colorful tropical fish... lovely corals etc. etc... I just don't get it...

#2..And this really pisses me off... it's sad to say that this one I have noticed more from the American tourists than any other countrymen. Why oh why can't we be nicer to the staff, to the people that work their butts off to make sure that your "all inclusive" vacation goes smoothly and that all your needs are met. Wow... I can't tell you how many times I've held myself back from slapping someone upside down for giving an attitude to someone who is trying to do the best they can for you.
And this "American" arrogance we have... the attitude that we are the best in the world and everyone else is crap... just needs to go away. Please, why do we need to be rude and talk down to people just because they live in another country, or just because they clean your room, your table at the restaurant, or are there only to see to your needs??? They deserve just as much respect as any fellow human being.... Stop it ok? And just for the record... some of our bus drivers in Mexico knew more about world affairs than most people in this country... sorry to say we've got our head so far up our a-- that we have no time for the world...
Ok I better stop here... don't want to get in trouble ;) Oh and one more thing... just because gratuities are not mandatory at an all inclusive resort... doesn't mean you can't still tip them...

#3... This one is more on a personal level...
I watched a couple sitting close together on the beach, mumbling something to each other... and I thought how cute... they're so in love... probably whispering sweet nothings to one another... how romantic. Of course I got teary... I missed Gag right then. But, a few moments went by and I realized that they were actually arguing... and it escalated to the point where she got up and walked away...(wow you must think I'm one of those nosy neighbors huh). This really got me thinking... what could have been so important to argue over... to get in the way of that beautiful moment....
You're sitting just steps away from this beautiful water, the sun was starting to set, so the light was casting golden hues on all things... you're on vacation... miles away from your worries, hopefully sitting next to someone you care a great deal about.... so what could be that important to cast a shadow on that very moment? Who knows... I guess if you are not happy in your personal life... it doesn't matter where you are, those problems will not go away.
I wish people would just stop fussing over little, insignificant things, and just really see every moment for it's beauty, really grasp it and inhale... how sad for those who can't understand that...

Well I won't bore you with more of the random observations I made... instead I'll just leave you with one more thought about our human race...
What is it about free alcohol.... people just can't seem to control the amount that goes in their mouths... watching drunk people attempting to play beach volleyball... now that was fun... what a scene.

I'll be posting some of our pictures later this week. Remember when bored... just watch people around you... great entertainment.


Love...Peace...Joy...

back to reality....

Here we are back home... back to reality. So much has happened in that puny little week we were gone....wow I guess life doesn't stop just cause you're out of town :) Never a dull moment in LA, the view from the plane and on the road home was of a city lost in all the smoke from the fires of the past few days. This picture might not show the mushroom like cloud of smoke that looked as though it would devour downtown LA at any moment. This morning that smoke had spread all over the city and ash covered everything in sight... like I said never a dull moment...



Well... smokey air or not we still visited Gag this morning, and I guess he's been busy too... the tombstone has been placed, it looks beautiful (if it can be called that)... but it is perfect, a simple stone for a simple guy. I guess it's been set in stone now... no more denying this reality... I'm still pissed that he is gone... but like he always said... "it is what it is"... and there isn't a thing we can do about it... We took some flowers, and a mortadella sandwich.... why you ask?? That's what he asked from me when he visited me in my dream the other night, the first time I've seen him in a dream since he left (strange request... but a request from him nonetheless)...



And... as I went through my mail this morning (the regular paper mail.. you know that gets delivered by a mailman)... I found a couple of cards addressed to me from my lovely blog buddies, how sweet is that?? One was from Julochka, all the way in Denmark, and the other from Ali in the beautiful state of Georgia. Can you guess which one is Julie's? :) Ali also included a little notepad that's too cute, now every time I'm jotting something down I'll be thinking of you darlin. Both had some beautiful words for me, both are awesome ladies and have been great supportive blog friends, I hope someday to join them at Blog Camp and really get to know them in person.


The last little heart warming surprise was yet another award, given to me by another great blog friend, Shannon. Thank you my dear, this award really made me smile inside.

So, it would appear that life does go on... whether you're present or not. But of course it makes it so much better when you are "present", and have your mind, eyes, and heart open to see all that is happening around you.
Our trip was very nice, all of us got a lot of rest and had oodles of fun which I'll go into with details on another day, it was a much needed getaway.... and yet coming home to all the smiling faces of family is always such a bonus. And as harsh as this reality is that we've come back to.... it is still life... our life... filled with much beauty, joy, sadness, pain, and great memories... so we move onward now... with a little more energy and strength.

love...peace...joy...

beauty

beauty is all around us,
open your hearts,
open your minds,
open your eyes,
breath it all in.