it's that time of your life..

You know how we're always using some famous quotes about life?... "Life is too short".. "Gotta live for the moment".. "It's now or never!".. etc. You get the picture.. Well it seems we are mostly preaching and hardly ever practicing.  Sometimes it's good to follow your own advice and really do just that!.. "it's now or never" or perhaps a new one I just came up with, "it's that time of your life" and you can quote me on that!

We all have dreams, after all it's part of being human to dream, to wish, to hope for and to reach towards those dreams.  Unfortunately most of us just live our day to day lives, going through the usual ups and downs of life and making the best of it, and it may be a comfortable place we have reached and are content with our lives.. but that little dream is still in our head whispering every now and then... reminding us that there was something extraordinary we dreamed of at one point.  Well, I believe we all reach a point in our lives where this dream may have a window, a perfect moment of execution if you will, of going from our imagination to becoming a reality.  The important thing is to identify this little gap, this tiny moment of opportunity for this dream to be lived out.  Although other things in life or the universe may seem not so aligned for this perfect moment but, it seems to be a perfect time in your life... and why not take that leap and live that dream, one would simply be a fool not to.

Where am I going with this?.. Well I've always dreamed of living in Greece, and timing was never right, that tiny gap of opportunity never presented itself.. until now that is.  Needless to say I jumped at the right moment and decided to take a leap and try something I've been dreaming of for some time now, we'll never know until we try right?!   Since I've sold the shop, I work freelance yes but nothing definite of a carreer that I'm messing up by leaving.  We have a place to stay in Greece.  The country may not be in it's best shape at the moment, but as I said it's not the perfect time in the universe that matters only that it's that time in our lives that's perfect for this move.  The kids were the only thing I was concerned about, since I would not go anywhere without them.  When I asked last year after our visit to Greece if they would want to live there... they were hesitant and so I dropped the subject for good.  Until a couple of months ago when they came to me and said that they were thinking about giving it a try.  Imagine my surprise and joy, at the same time the relief I felt that perhaps the time has come and perhaps it's actually going to unfold, this dream of mine...

Fast forward two months, and here we are, I'm sitting in my parents apartment in Thessaloniki, having some tea and writing my first blog about this journey we are on.  It was a busy two months to say the least, it seems you can't just up and leave your home, lot's to do and organize.  Work needed to be finished, home cleaned and sorted as I've rented out my home for the time being.  And saying our goodbys were not easy.  But we did it! Made a decision, stuck to it and made it happen. We will be here for a few months, testing the waters and seeing if this really is a dream we can live with.  It will not be easy, but it will be interesting and more importantly it will be an adventure none  of us will ever forget.  The boys are very excited to be in a new place, trying new things.  They will be taking a semester off of their studies, but think of all the things this experience will teach them.  This will be an interesting challenge for them to see how well they can adapt and I think this is a great opportunity for us three to pull together and bond as the family of three that we are now.

Like I said, it's that time of our lives, perfect little gap in life.  It's now or never.
I'll be writing more about our lives here, the ups and down, the good, the bad and even the ugly.. and of course the beautiful :)

Peace and Light to you my friends.

16 years ago today...

There is the little man at 4 weeks, he brought so much happiness into our home upon his arrival 16 years ago... that truly was a joyous day for all of us. First child for us and first grandchild to grandparents on both sides of the family, not to mention first nephew to both to my brother and Gag's sister, and the first one in our circle of friends. So, you think he was loved???




And now here he is... all grown up, shaving and all.. He has a great personality, and a very caring heart. There are times his reactions to things are so much like Gag, it's scary.. He's a good boy, and no doubt will grow up to be a great man.

As difficult as the road ahead seems at times... I think there are many happy days ahead still and I'm looking forward to it all... to life. My boys really do keep me going, and I "dig that" as my friend Christina would say.

Happy 16th Arman!


love...peace...joy...

looking for the light...

I heard Arman shaving this morning before school.....

My thoughts started whirling in my mind again... I remembered the day Gag showed him how to shave, he was ill already yet still had enough energy to teach him at least this one little step to manhood. And of course, all kinds of things started popping into my head, all the things that the boys still needed to learn from dad, all the wise words they are going to look for, all the times they will search for him as they reach moments in their lives that will require dad's advise..

I was overwhelmed by all the feelings that came over me once again, this tremendous fear took over, the helpless feeling of not being able to fill that void in their lives... I couldn't breath, it was so terrifying, so claustrophobic, my head was spinning from all that was going on up there. Will I be able to give them all that they will need, provide them with at least some of the answers to the questions they'll be faced with? Will I have the strength to be there every step of the way, to guide them, to help them choose the right path, to give them the right tools to grow into strong, confident men? There is no doubt in my mind that they have already learned so much from dad, and those lessons will always stay with them... but how many more lessons are left untaught?

This is when I really felt the need for Gag's presence, and this is what I miss the most about him always... our talks, we always talked through things, every obstacle, every hurdle, every tough situation was resolved by long talks and we both felt so much better in the end.. I needed him today more then ever, I needed his wisdom, his positive words that always made me see the light, his comforting voice telling me that all will be fine in the end... I needed to see him, to hear him... so I got in my car and drove out to the cemetery... where else to go to feel his presence???



Took some flowers, burned some essence, shared a cup of coffee and talked.. I did most of the talking... he didn't really have a lot to say, in fact he hasn't really been talking to me much... I'm still waiting... But, it felt good to tell him all my worries like old times, and perhaps it's the serenity of the place itself that always seems to calm me down somehow....



In the end.. the sun did peek through the clouds, as if to embrace me with it's warmth, and pat me on my shoulder to say that things will be ok, that we will come out of all this in tacked, and the light will appear again at the end of this dark tunnel. I walked away feeling a little better, much stronger that I felt in the morning, and even though all my worries are still there, the fear, the doubt, the pain are all still my constant companions, but a little less suffocating...

Another dark day turned a bit brighter, the heavy heart still lingers, it's hard shaking off an emotional morning, but with a few deep breaths I'll make it through the day, and always hope for a better start tomorrow.


love...peace...joy...

fun filled weekend...

The weekend started with a pleasant
surprise as I found out that my mom's
friend and daughter were taking us out to lunch.

So we were off to Malibu's Taverna Tony
where delicious food was had.
The saganaki which is a fried cheese flambeed
table side was amazing, as were the rest
of the dishes. And a little Ouzo shared with
good old friends in a nice setting is just what
the doctor ordered.

That evening was one of my favorite
events that takes place in our little community
every year, the Music Festival.

Colorado Blvd. is closed off a few blocks and filled
with food carts, craft vendors and some dozen
bands in different corners of the street.

This shot shows the hustle and bustle on the street,
where people flock to each year for some
good music and great street food.

The boys and I were having far too much
fun to stop and take pictures, but I did
manage to take a few shots of these guys.
Who were performing a Brazilian
Martial Arts dance called Capoeira.
The beat was mesmerizing, and the
performance amazing...

Then we were off to Castaic Lake for a
family picnic on Sunday.
What a beautiful fall day that was,
crisp air, little breeze and the sun warming
us at times.

Of course great food was had...

Little rock stacking, patience lessons were
practiced between father and son (my brother)...
and other family members...

And an overall great time was had, surrounded
by family, food, laughter, and these magnificent
trees...

Lots of great memories were made this weekend, many photos taken, countless bonding conversations between friends and family, kids had quite a few laughs as well as us adults.
Quite honestly this was possibly the first weekend where I felt a glimpse of happiness in my heart, yes again.. Gag was always on my mind and I did get teared up at times thinking how wonderful it would have been to have him with us, and how he would enjoy every moment of this weekend, he loved full days like these, where we had a lot going on...

But... I laughed with a bit more ease this time, and the teary sessions were a little more spread out than usual... And this was a good thing for all of us.


Love...Peace...Joy...

breaking down....

Oh boy.... my dear blog friends, had a really low evening yesterday...so brace yourselves for a tough read...

Gag's best friend had surgery yesterday and I went to visit him in the hospital, and let me tell you... it was such a painful flash back moment for me. Same hospital, same parking lot where I've cried many a times sitting in my car, same hallways we've walked together...

As I got off the elevator, a couple were walking up and down the hall, the husband had just had surgery and was doing his recovery walk, the wife holding his hand tightly, walking slowly next to him for support.... it took me immediately to the days following Gag's open heart surgery and our walks down these halls. He was so determined to recover quickly and get on with life, every couple of hours he'd say..."let's go love, let's take a stroll". And we'd go around a couple of times, holding hands, talking, laughing.... Gag as usual joking around with the nurses, saying hello to neighbors in the other rooms, and the nurses thought we were so cute, strolling hand in hand as if we were in a beautiful park, walking along the paths enjoying the trees around us without a care in the world...

Let me tell you I just wanted to fall on the ground and weep... but of course I didn't, after all I was there to see a friend, to cheer him up, and comfort him by giving him some encouraging words, so once again I held it together and buried my pain, well... at least till I got to the parking lot and cried sitting in my car alone like I've done so many times before.

Had to compose myself, wipe the tears and put the smile back on, I went to pick up Arman from the soccer field, and boom... once again a flashback hit me, but it was like nothing I had experienced before. I parked the car, started walking towards the field, and there it was, right where Gag used to park his car was a dark blue Scion, with soccer gear in the back just like Gag's. And as naive and stupid humans as we are, for a split second I forgot everything and had a little joy moment of knowing I was going to see him.... but that's all it was, a very short millisecond of joy... then I woke up and realized what I was thinking and how unreal it felt. And that is when I lost it, right there under the lights, standing next to that car. everything came crushing down... and all this happened in front of Arman... which I hate to do...

But, I am only human... And there is only so much I can restrain. This is what happens when you swallow your pain time and time again, bury your sorrow deep under your skin and hold back all the tears that want to burst out. It all comes pouring out when you least expect it and where you didn't want it to happen. I know that it's ok for the boys to see me hurting and know that after all, we are in this reality and that yes, it is very hard for all of us, but I don't want to give them the pain of seeing me like that and the helplessness that they feel, knowing that there is nothing they can do to change the situation. Something no mother ever wishes for...

So, yes a very tough evening for us, it was possibly the worst weeping cry I have ever had, and I feel exhausted this morning, but we must carry on, hold it together and just keep breathing....

Realized this morning that... what a surprise.... it was Wednesday yesterday... wow!

Enjoy every moment of your lives...


love...peace...joy...

i'm still here...

Hey blogoshere... in case any of you were wondering... I'm still here, a bit discombobulated... but here...

It's been such an exhausting week or so, both physically and emotionally (but what else is new right??). Had a lot done at the shop with the renovation projects, phase one and two are complete and just have phase three left, which is the big one and will require some muscle. Thanks to some family members and the fact that my dad taught me how to use some power tools and a paintbrush when I was younger... this project has gone quite smoothly. With all it's emotional setbacks for me personally this has been a very positive part of the past couple of weeks.
The crew at work are very excited and happy that the shop is now a much brighter place to work. They have been such an important part of our lives, like I've mentioned before they are like family and have gone above and beyond to make sure business proceeds smoothly and that all is well taken care of for the past couple of years especially, since both Gag and I had not been spending too much time there. I'm so grateful to them and with this project hope that work will go even more smoothly now.

Even though I had different plans for myself when I started culinary school back in '08, I'm happy to take on the responsibilities of running the shop, and making sure that Gag's hard work and the years he put into "his first baby" as he called it, goes on and prospers in his memory, and with a great group of people that I have behind me, who care as much about the place as I do this will make it a lot more easier of a task. And let's face it having the flexibility of my hours at the shop is priceless considering how much the boys need me now and how important my time with them is right now.

Let's talk about the boys a little, I'm not sure if you've noticed... but I try not to discuss the boys as much here, and there is a reason for it. First of all they do have access to my blog, and do read it from time to time and I don't really want them to feel embarrassed that I spill everything about them to a bunch of strangers (to them :), and secondly... oh I don't know I can't think of the second reason now, but I just don't feel very comfortable writing too much about them. I have no trouble unloading my inner soul to you all, but these are my thought and feeling, and I feel I don't have the right to do the same to them. Anyways hope this all makes sense to you guys.

But, I will give you a little picture of where they are now, and the things that really require my 100%. Robert... is a bit younger, had less time with dad and is a more emotional person, who is not really shy to express himself (remind you of anyone ?). So I find it much easier to talk to him about dad, he tells me how he feels, and how much he misses him... we talk about him a lot and remember things and laugh and cry together, that makes him feel better and is a big relief for me as well..

Arman on the other hand is already in the stage of his life that can be quite confusing and frustrating, plus to top it off he has the loss of his father to deal with. He was more attached to dad, they had more time together, and shared their passion for sports, and therefore had some very special one on one time. And I imagine it is very hard for him to go through his days. The reason I say "I imagine" is because it is very difficult talking to him about dad, every time I bring him up or try and remind him of something funny dad did, or something he would say.. he just changes the subject and shuts it out... yes it is very hard for him to talk about dad, and he hates to see me cry (he has mentioned to me), but he's coming around a little at a time, I wont push him, he'll do it when he is ready. Getting back on the field and playing was a big step for him, and I'm impressed at the way he got "back on the horse".

So, this is our life... keeping busy, coping, taking it one day at a time....sharing laughs and tears.... this is the way we'll face this new life. Although I'll be really honest... at times I feel like I'm living a stranger's life, that this really isn't me, all this didn't really happen to Gag and our family, and maybe that's a good thing at times, because the actuality and the reality of it all is too painful and will devour us. There are days I walk around like a zombie, unaware of my surroundings, missing the meaning in it all, but still put that fake smile on my face and take care of the boys, who are... this very moment my only reason for living. Yes, I know alarming words but... don't worry I guess if I'm aware of my "depression" at times then it can't really be as bad right?? I'm also quite aware and have accepted that all these feeling are normal, and I should just let them come and go, some days are very happy and productive....and others are very dark and filled with pain, just gotta let it roll I guess. In a way I'm glad that I'm a bit of an optimistic pessimist...if there is such a thing, but overall we're doing ok, I just hate the fact that he is gone and all the things that he still had to live for he didn't... basically he got the short end of the stick, and that pisses me off... and I'm allowed that much anger right???

Well once again thanks for lending an ear or two, and thanks for sticking around for my posts, I know it's not one of those inspiring, perky blog pages that most of us like to visit, but I hope that in some way all these words will find a place in your hearts and can help if ever you find yourselves in a dark place in life.


love...peace...joy...

what a roller coaster.....

What a roller coaster of a weekend we had...

Talk about too many "highs" and "lows" all condensed into one weekend... Not that our days are not filled with a lot of these peeking emotions lately. On any given day I go from crying out loud to laughing out loud within minutes, or may be really sad one moment and singing to a song on the radio while tears roll down my cheeks the next...

But, for some reason I feel really exhausted from the emotional whirlwind of this weekend.

our shop

I started a renovation project at our shop, and the first stage went very smoothly and a lot was accomplished, but not without the ever constant flow of tears. Being there on a weekend, painting walls... tearing old things down to be replaced by the new ones.... just brought back so many memories of Gag, this is what we did over the years, on some weekends together. So, as happy and excited as I was for taking care of the things that have been needing some serious attention, I caught myself just staring at something we built together and realizing how much I miss him... then the tears would roll again....

Arman's first year playing

Then there was the first futball game of the season, and once again as much as I was filled with joy to see Arman out on the field, playing the game he loves, armed with his goalie gloves....it was still very painful being there, as this was something we used to do as a family... throughout the whole game I kept hearing Gag's voice giving directions to the boys, cheering them on, and joking around with the parents on the sidelines. It was an evening game, his favorite time of the day to play...as the sun was setting, he would say "this is the best light for pictures, get your camera ready love".... then the lights would come on and the game took on a whole different stage, playing under the lights was what he called a "real game". I kept thinking... finally the boys have gotten older and the game they play has taken on a more serious tone, not a bunch of six year olds chasing after the ball anymore... this is when he would've enjoyed it so much more...and he's not here to reap the fruits of his tree....

But the most emotional part of the weekend was when I took his mom to visit the grave site. She is ill, has been for most of her life, three open heart surgeries and a life of struggle raising two kids without her husband on her side, so being as weak and fragile, she wasn't present for any of the ceremonies and hadn't visited the cemetery till now, it would just be too painful for her. But, on Saturday morning I get a call from her at the shop, as I'm covered in paint... she told me that she wants to visit him, right then... so I dropped everything and took her to see her one and only son's tombstone. I shouldn't have to tell you what a difficult thing it was for her to be there and for me to witness it and not be able to give her any comfort, because no matter what you say to a mother who's lost a child... nothing can give her peace.

So, overall .... like I said a very emotional weekend, filled with high moments and very low moments, boy I tell you this grief business is quite exhausting and can drain you of all your energy. But, we still go on, still have to overcome each moment for Gag's sake, for the boys sake... for just keeping his memory alive and to make him proud of all the things that we achieve on a daily basis. We miss him, there is no doubt, the boys sleep by my side from time to time.... I don't think it's to comfort me or just because my bed is bigger and more comfortable, but because they miss dad, and sleeping on "his side" of the bed makes them feel a bit closer perhaps, they don't know how to express their grief and pain any other way...

So, another Monday... time to regroup and get to living... things to be done, to be seen, to be experienced... must... keep... going...


love...peace...joy....

little Tokyo...

we had a lovely afternoon at little Tokyo yesterday.
the boys had been wanting to go back to
the "best noodle house ever"... according to them.

I have to admit... it was pretty good, they have anything
from mild to burning volcano hot, three
different flavored soups with all the extras you want.
notice how it says "eat at your own risk".. they weren't
kidding, I had the #2 and wow, felt like a fire was
slowly smoldering inside my mouth.

mind you the portions are huge, could feed a family of four,
I couldn't even eat half of it,
Arman's friend Khalid was
the only brave one to eat it all...
and he had the #1, ouch..

the boys and their friends were in heaven

apparently that guy from "man vs food" has
made an appearance here and has won this
challenge, amongst other brave souls.

we did some book shopping....
it was Japanese anime heaven...
I had to drag the boys out of this store.

the skies above us were beautiful,
the weather was perfect
so we walked around a bit
took pictures (only yours truly of course)...
and watched the most beautiful sunset through the
downtown skyline on our drive home.
A good day for the boys and mom :)

love... peace... joy...

the game...

So here we were... players, coaches, referees, parents, and family members,
gathered on a Sunday afternoon
(the first day that the smoke had actually cleared up),
all there for one purpose... to remember a great coach, and to honor him by
playing a clean game, to have fun and play from the heart.
T-shirt were made especially for this event for the player to wear
that said:
"In memory of coach Jerry Mansourian
September 6, 2009"

a moment of silence before the game

I took the place of coach Jerry for an
after game snapshot.... this will remain in our
hearts forever...

loyal coach Jerry fans
(thanks Mardy for making these t-shirts and in Gag's fave color)

a jersey was signed by all the players
for us to take home and remember this day by

and here I am... filled with tears of joy and pain.

I wore Gag's favorite cap (which still smells like him).

He always wore a cap on the field, so one day
when he showed up without one... the kids (10 at the time)
were surprised.... one of them yelled out....
"But coach... you're bald!"
what a good laugh we all had that day...

So glad I had enough battery power to at least take a few shots. The special moment of the event though was at snack time, after the game, as I gathered everyone to thank them for putting together this great event... I wanted to make sure that they knew what a memorable day this was for us, and how deeply they touched our hearts, and how proud the coach would be of them.

A few coaches had some things to share as well about the way Gag was on and off the field, and what an important part of the organization he was. So, I wanted to hear from the boys, and asked if any of them had a fond memory with the coach that they would like to share... and what happened was amazing... one by one they got up and told a story or two about this coach they loved so much.... It was truly an honor to be there, and to hear everyone talk about Gag with such high regard, I think it was even more important for our boys to hear all this about their dad. Arman did play that day... and just as I had thought, it motivated him to play this season, and that makes me very happy and I'm sure makes dad very proud.

Gag was there... we could feel him walking up and down the field watching the game he loved... played the way he would have wanted.

I guess we will take part in this seasons games once again... looking forward to our weekends on the field.

love...peace...joy...

something special

Tomorrow at 4pm at the Glendale Sports Complex, where we've had many futball (soccer for all you yanks :) games headed by Coach Jerry, something special will take place.

Some 37 young boys have volunteered their time on this long weekend to play a friendly game to honer their coach. All of these boys have at one point or another been coached by Gagik. The soccer organization and some of the coaches who have worked with him have put this together, I'm so touched by this event.

It will be a difficult day for all of us, as I step on that field, all the memories of past games will come into mind, the way he would pace back and fourth on the side lines yelling out instructions, and the post game "high fives" between the boys and him.... Arman will be participating in this game as well, and I'm sure it will be an emotional game for him too, but I know he will play with his heart for dad.

I will be without my camera tomorrow (I've left my battery charger in Mexico, so till they ship it back to me... I'm stuck with no toy), this may be a good thing.. I love the game with a passion and I'll be sitting on my chair, just enjoying this special game tomorrow. Watching the little faces that have grown into young teen boys, playing the game that coach has given so many pointers on.... I know he's touched their lives in so many ways in the past years, and tomorrow their young heart will touch our lives forever. I'm so grateful for that.

The following weekend will mark the beginning of the new season, it will be the first in eleven years which we will not take part in. We loved this time of the year, a game every Saturday, which meant a late Friday night for the coach. I can just see him now, sitting in the balcony, going over line-up card and game plan, rearranging the players over and over again. He loved this game, and he loved coaching, I can honestly say it was one of his greatest passions in life. He'll be enjoying the game tomorrow as well, except he will probably have the best seat in the house.

I'll post the details of the game and the images on my mind from tomorrow.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend...

love...peace...joy...

Buenos dias...

Even though I had a scheduled post for today... just wanted to check in and say buenos dias to you guys...

Asides from some minor setbacks earlier, I'm happy to report that we are doing much better now...For the moment it's just me and Robert in the room, waiting for a house call from the doc, it would appear that Robert had a reaction to a fly bite, his arm is a bit swollen, but he'll be fine, nothing a little Cortisone and Zyrtec can't fix.

Arman, with no surprise to any of us... has once again gathered a social club of a few teens (7 boys and a couple of girls..."hoties") and is the organizer of their activities... my little social butterfly... so needless to say he is having a blast, we hardly see him during the day, just at meal times, and that's fine, as long as he's having fun.

Now on to yours truly.... well.... not realizing how white I am... and how long the sun hasn't seen some parts of my body.... with all the sunscreen, I still got sunburned in a few spots, but it's not too bad. You tend to lose track of time when you are swimming in that turquoise Caribbean water, with tropical fish just all around you... the boys and I were out there for hours snorkeling, Rob trying to catch fish with his own bare hands... a must see experience :)
I'm also happy to report that as lame as I though the pool aerobics looked... I actually had a good time and made the boys laugh a lot, when I jumped in and joined a semi drunk group of seniors as they attempted to copy the instructor's moves... that was the most fun I had in a long time...

Anyways... we're really enjoying every moment of our adventure so far.... even the down parts.... we've bonded and opened up to each other, and that's the whole idea behind this trip.

We're off to Chichen Itza tomorrow, which should be a great experience, then we have Tulum on Thursday and a Mayan Adventure tour on Friday which includes stops at a great snorkeling lagoon, an under ground cavern, and a 12foot dive into a sink hole (mayan cenotes).

Looking forward to all the adventures we have planned, I most likely will not report back here, but still have a couple of posts scheduled for you all, thanks for sticking around and checking on us :)


love...peace....joy...

the first day....

Day one was a tough one....
It started with the window seat... as I saw Arman looking out with a huge smile on his face... it reminded me of how Gag would get glued to that tiny window as the plane took off (his favorite part of the flight), and would open the screen every now and then during flight to see the world from above. The four and a half hour flight went by pretty fast as I was lost in thought...memories and drowning in my tears.. Arman slept while Robert found comfort in his sketch pad and pencil.

We settled into our room... the view from the balcony was so beautiful, the pool and the small harbor on one side and the blue Caribbean sea on the other. None of us wanted to leave the room (we were pretty tired, no sleep the night before.) So we retreated under the down comforters... ordered room service and entertained ourselves with a movie.

As I watched the sunset sitting in the balcony... the pool side lounge was playing some jazzy tunes Gag would have appreciated. My eye glanced over at a table in the harbor side restaurant where a couple was enjoying the music, sipping on some wine.... here too I thought of him and how he would have loved that corner table...sitting there for hours, sharing a nice bottle of red, and a well made steak... conversing and swaying to the melody of the evening with me....

We are feeling a little better today... must enjoy the beauty that's around us...

It's obvious that the laptop made it with us on the trip... but... it will not be taking too much time from us... we are off to lounge on the beach all day... the boys will be deciding on what tours they want to go on...so we'll be busy doing the whole "tourist" thing, but will report back in at times.

Adios my friends


love... peace...joy...

(no images to share yet)

and we're off...

wow... what a day...too much to do, too little time... especially when you tend to procrastinate like yours truly here... after running a whole lot of errands, taking care of things at the shop for next week... I was nowhere near being packed by the evening..... of course I also had a foot massage planned with sis Niky (Gag's sister) without realizing that it's the night before we leave, and that I would probably be packing...but who says no to a food massage no matter how busy you are right.....not me. Ahhh pure heaven, 45 minutes of Thai foot massage, followed by 45 minutes of body massage. If you guys haven't had a Thai massage yet.. oh you are missing out... It is like a yoga session and a deep tissue massage all wrapped into one... like I said pure heaven..

Needless to say I came home relaxed and calm... not the state I needed to be in, considering it was close to 10pm and I still had a couple of loads of laundry to do and still had not a thing in the suitcases. I had hoped that the boys would've made some progress with their own packing.... but ya... sure... come on, teen boys??? Arman said just pack me my swim trunks and that's all I need, oh and of course his i-pod.




So... it's almost 2 am.. done with packing and decided to put down some words for you guys. We're finally running away from home... for a nice relaxing holiday, to get some rest, bond, enjoy each other fully, have some fun and see some new places. We have to leave home in a couple of hours...so why sleep when there is facebook to keep you company right :) The boys are really looking forward to going... they love anywhere there is water, so they'll get to swim around while mom hangs on the sand with a nice book in one hand and a margarita in the other... hoping to have a view of the big blue right in front of me....ahhh sounds devine.

I'm a bit excited, a bit nervous...and a bit sad... it is our first trip without Gag, and not a lot of time has passed so, I know there will be moments of sadness...but we'll just deal with it. As a friend said to me today.... this is the first step in creating memories in this new life we have....just the three of us.

I've scheduled a few posts for you all, apparently some of you miss me when I don't write, well.....we can't have that now can we?
And as much as we had decided not to take any hand held games or the laptop... that debate is still on as we speak... can these addicted mother and children go away without the laptop??? Stay tuned.....

I'll miss the cyber world... it has been a good friend for some time... can we survive without it for a whole week???? yikes that is a scary thought :)


love...peace...joy...

a plan

I've come down a bit since my ranting hysteria form the other day, it seems that every time Wednesday rolls around I go into an emotional meltdown. Last Wednesday marked the fourth week, and today marks the first month... a month gone and the rest of our lives to go.

I have been thinking a lot the past few days, I've stayed away from the cyber world to sort out my thoughts. And I've at least come to understand why I get so scared at times... I know myself to be a pretty strong person, and the past year and a half the strength that came from within proved to be more than I had imagined possible. However, now that my body is so emotionally and physically drained, I find at times the power depleting, and that is the driving force behind the fear that consumes me. And I find myself worrying about the future and doubting myself. Again all this is to be expected... let's face it the person we have lost was such a big part of our lives... I'd be worried if I wasn't feeling this way.

So... when we are faced with such moments in our lives, and have certain obstacles to overcome... we must stay focused, make a plan, list the things that we want taken care of and proceed forward. And that is exactly what I plan to do. It is a long list, and one that will take some doing, but with patience, and without too many expectations I'll forge on...

First and foremost on the list is health, must take better care of myself and the boys, have some plans with and for the boys, have a few projects at the shop that will need my entire attention, perhaps my cupcakes will resurface again, more writing to be done....and we will take all of this one step at a time. The boys and I have a little vacation coming up, so I'm hoping we'll get some much needed R&R, and some quality time, after which we can come back to our stronger selves, get on with the routine and try to enjoy every day together as Gagik would have wanted.

The pain and the emotions will still be with us every step of the way, but we'll invent ever more creative ways of dealing with them....

Life does go on, it would seem... and it must...

love... peace... joy...

boys becoming men

Most friends and family have been calling and e-mailing me just to check up on us, and mostly to see how the boys have been doing.... Well I really have no answer to those questions...
Just like me... the boys seem a bit disoriented, kind of numb really... can't seem to find our place... can't seem to find peace anywhere...
Yes, I have been keeping a close eye on them, talking to them trying to comfort them... but they are not like us adults... they don't necessarily always want to talk about what they are feeling (especially teen boys), so this is a bit of a challenge for me and I don't really want to become a "nag", like Arman says... "mom chillax".... So, I'm trying to "chillax" and give them space and kinda letting it roll...
Today... we had a not so chillaxed moment.... First of all, last week Arman said he didn't want to go to the shop anymore and didn't really have a valid reason... so I thought.... I kinda had a feeling what it might be... as I too am having a hard time spending too much time there myself. And today was supposed to be his first soccer practice, now let me just say that from the start of the summer when it was time to register he expressed that he "didn't want to play this year if dad wasn't coaching", so I didn't register him. But after Gag's passing, one of the coaches suggested that it would be good for him to play and he should do it for dad one last time...

Getting back to today... as he was putting on his soccer gear, mumbling to himself... I asked why he is unhappy... well he finally spoke... and there was no end to both of our tears. "How mom??? how do you want me to go on that field and play that game ... when dad isn't there???? I can't do it... I just can't... please don't make me... it hasn't hit me yet that dad is not around... It's just not fun anymore without him"
This.... this whole new life of ours will take sooooooooooo much time to get used to, and I just want what's best for them... and even I don't know what that is right now.
We all need time, I'm so glad that we got to cry together... talk things through together...
I told him that this is what we need to do to survive this.... to heal... to live.... and even though it really hurts now to look back at the memories... that's what's going to keep us going later.

"Dad was too good mom.... how can I not miss that goodness????"

It hurt... it was difficult... but a step forward nonetheless... my little boys becoming men.

Rob by the way... is ok, he gets sad sometimes, then we hug and he's back to doing what he was doing
I love my boys, without them this would not be a life worth living...

love... peace... joy...

our young poet..

I've prepared a little gift for my nephew Sevak, he is my brother's son and our godchild as well. We were all moved when we learned that he had written a poem for Gagik and were actually all in tears when he recited it at the restaurant where we were having a memorial lunch a week after Gag's burial. It's a short poem but came from his 10 year old heart and I'd like to share it with you all ....

He got his wings
He got his sword
He's sitting up high
Looking down below.

So I've decided to nurture this hidden talent in his bright little mind, and am going to give him a little poem notebook where he can start his poetry. I've written a little inscription on the first page (signed it Nuna.. that's Greek for godmother). I hope that this will give him the inspiration to continue. I guess it is in times of pain and sorrow that some of our hidden talents wake up, I know he was really impacted by all that's happened. I'm actually really glad he was there a few days before (Gag got his wings), as the boys were all gathered by his bedside and Gagik had a few words of love to share, it was a very important moment for the boys and glad that Sevak was part of that moment.

He also got to have another special moment on one of his visits, as Gag gave Sevak a couple of his old watches, his eyes lit up, you could see the excitement on his face... I'm sure he will cherish those forever.

Thank you Sevak for that beautiful heart of yours that could express such words... Gago would be proud. Love you!

nurture those young minds.... they possess gifts we cannot imagine...

love... peace... joy...

life without Gag....

I stopped by our shop yesterday... and everywhere I turned... every shelf, every drywall, every drop sealing, every wire, every counter...was him. He built, and built every bit of that place with his own two hands, his own sweat dripping from his forehead. As I walked around the office... looking at the countless "best coach" soccer plaques and the sample pictures he had printed on the walls... it took me back to so many memories we've had there, hours of talks we've had about the changes that needed to be made... the clients that needed to be taken care of...all the little decisions we needed to make... what color the door should be painted after the many renovations.... In other words the shop is our other baby, one that we both have nurtured together and one where he has spent many sleepless nights with.
I felt sad at first...as I missed him being there... but then I realized that this too is a part of him he left behind and this too will enrich our lives.... Arman by the way has started going to the shop a few hours a week, helping out with the workload and kinda keeping an eye on things... so sweet... my little man.

On the way home, I passed by the coffee shop where we walked to on some mornings holding hands... strolling along the sidewalk...like we had not a care in the world. We would get our coffee and talk about the work day ahead. I'd always rush... he would always slow me down..."where are you rushing to???". So typical of Gag, take things slow in life.... As I drove by, my eye caught a glimpse of the table where we sat... and I found myself drowning in tears again...

Visited his mom in the evening with the boys.... she too found herself drowning in her own tears and pain as she held on to the boys tightly... trying to get a bit of Gagik out of them... how deep is her pain??? She is a reminder of him for me... as we are a reminder of him for her. And some of those great memories are a bit painful for the time being but still warm our hearts... and that is what we have to keep us going.

Had dinner at Gag's favorite Chinese restaurant, and I could tell the boys got a bit emotional as we sat there glancing over the menu. Arman started making us laugh to lighten the mood (dad's son... always the joker). As we talked about what dad liked on the menu, I explained that it was ok to talk about him, and even though it hearts a lot, but it also makes us laugh, and remembering him will always keep him in our hearts and therefore in our lives.

At the end of the day... when I look at the boys, kiss them goodnight, that is when I feel that we will get through this together. They are all the strength I need and I have enough love for them both...

Life will go on... with many tears... many laughs...but always surrounded by love (his and mine).

love...peace...joy...

my little "man"

It seems like just yesterday... we rushed to the hospital to welcome our first baby into our world. After 20 some hours in labor and with the help of my amazing coach (Gag)... we looked at our firstborns face and shared a ton of tears together... what a beautiful day that was... Gag always says that was the greatest day in his life.... Two and a half years later came our second boy Rob... and the first thing he did was pee on the doc... but that's another story...

And today.... when I look at the face we first saw in that delivery room, I see a young man... who has grown to be such an amazing person...

A couple of days ago... I lost my iron mask... and broke down and cried in front of Arman... I never let myself do that in front of the boys... I want them to know that I'm standing strong for all of us and I don't want them to get scared and worried about me or their future... But, I had gone through a very difficult day and just couldn't hold it in.... and I was comforted by a compassionate, caring, loving young man.... was this that little baby?? The one that used to keep us up all night to read him stories??? How did the years go by so fast... and now I see him standing tall and strong who is willing to be that wall behind my back... to catch me when I fall...

He has been more attentive and helpful in the care of dad... and yes for that I'm so thankful, and proud of him for stepping up to the plate and slowly fitting into the mold of a man, but.... I didn't want him to be thrust into this role so early in his life... and still want him to know that I'm here, that I will still take care of him (them).....and that he doesn't need to grow up so fast... and that in no way will I stand by and see him miss out on his youth... and the best years of his life... just to care for me.... I know.. I know... I'm sounding a bit dramatic... perhaps because that metal lock is off my heart today and the tears are freely sliding off my cheeks...as the words look blurry.... I will stop now.

Yes, life is not being fare to our boys... they need their father and will always need him, at times more that others, but I will always be here... I have made a promise to Gag that although their lives will never be the same....and they will have tough times (that's life), but I will make sure that they will have many happy and joyous days as well...

ok, I seriously can't see the screen anymore....

keep love and peace in your hearts..

adding drops to the bucket.....

What special moments were had this morning.... We took out Gag's old paintings... and as we slowly went through each one... unwrapping them... revealing each painting brush stroke by brush stoke.....

Gag introduced each one of his creations, and shared the story behind each painting... behind each shade of color, each character... and we all sat there like wide eyed kids waiting to see how the story unfolds....



This last one he started and never finished... he told Rob that perhaps one day he can take over and finish his story.

At times we humans can be quite a disappointing species.... yet at times we surprise even ourselves.... In the face of all this pain... in this storm we find ourselves caught in... we somehow still were able to steal a few more memories to store, a few more images in our minds to recall later... as I said in one of my older posts (Venice Beach).... we were able to add a few more drops in this bucket of our life's great moments.

And moments like these are far few in between now.... As he is getting weaker, and ever more frail... it is becoming more and more of a challenge to fill our days with joy and laughter. But still each day I wake up, gather whatever strength I have left inside.. and make it the best day possible for all of us... as hard as it is becoming for me... as my emotions get in the way at times... so for the time being I have put on my steel face... and a large metal lock on my heart so that I may carry out our days like this for as long as we can. And so thankful am I to have him with us each new day.

love and peace my friends...

p.s. please excuse the bad quality photos... camera was not cooperating today... and I had no energy to argue ;)

love on canvas....

the arteeeest at work......

his choice of fruit...
the end product.... not bad for my little artists first try huh.....
a closer look reveals nice lines.....
Gag's finished painting... his hands were so shaky...but he was determined to finish it....
and hey.... I dabbled a bit too.... don't laugh!... I've never painted before... let alone create on a canvas with oils.... :)

The important thing is that Rob enjoyed it and he wants to paint another one.... yayyyy..... success!!!

love and peace...