happily sad...

I've been getting out of my cave a little more lately, taking up on peoples invites...an art exhibit here, a dance recital there, out for drinks with my girlfriends... and have noticed something interesting that I'd like to share with you lovely folks, my good friends here in this cyber corner of mine...

As I'm out and about socializing once more, trying to find joy in things again, I've run into quite a few people that I haven't seen since those dreaded days following Gag's death. Most of them are very happy to see me getting out, to see me smiling and enjoying myself, and yet others seem to have this puzzled look on their faces.... Not to say that they don't want to see me happy, but I think they are just lost in wonder at how I'm even able to function after all that's happened let alone be out with people enjoying myself. And believe me it doesn't bother me that they think this way, nor does it deter me from smiling and finding the joy in things once again...

The truth of the matter is that I am by nature a happy person, always have been. In fact that was one of the things that my husband loved about me, he loved that he was married to a happy person, someone that found joy in the simple things and was able to laugh out loud with him. As you all know he too was a very happy guy and loved life and laughter, and often told me that my smiling face was what made him look forward to each day... so imagine if he was married to a grumpy, negative, nagging person... what a drag that would've been for him. Now, I wouldn't go as far as describing myself as having a bubbly personality.. I have plenty of days where I'm a bit of a cynic and wear my pessimists hat at times, but overall I'm happy. Sure I have a great deal of sadness inside, I have a broken heart that may never heal, my soul is crippled and the pain can be quite unbearable for me at times, but what helps me get through my days now ARE those glimpses of happy moments, the joy that I find each day in the little, simple things. It is my personality, I can not help but wake up each morning and yearn to find things that make me smile.... such as the faces of my boys sleeping in the morning light, a little "good morning" to Gag's photo by my bed... the smell of my coffee... just to name a few...

There are plenty of things in my life that can make me unhappy, bitter and an overall angry person, and ya... I can walk around complaining, crying, nagging all day long and at times I have to reach rally deep inside to find the strength to even get out of bed on some mornings... But how could any of these benefit any of us??? I've grown up in a happy, safe and loving home... with parents that taught us to find the good in everything and everyone, to be good to ourselves and to others as well, I had a wonderful marriage to an incredible person, although short lived but a very rich connection filled with an abundance of love and happiness... and now I want to carry on that tradition of joy in my home, I want my children to see me smile, to feel that love and joy that was present when dad was alive.... Why would I ever abandon that character of mine... only to become a sad... lonely...bitter person... I would never do that to my children, to my loved ones, to myself and most of all to Gagik.

So... it does come down to who we are and how we react to the things that life has in store for us... people always tell me they are amazed by my strength and how calmly I have handled all that has happened to us... but I don't know if it's all about being strong as much as being true to ones nature... like I said, I am by nature a happy person, I can't help but be this way... I don't know how else to be.... So for now I am a happily sad person... and that's just fine by me.

Be true to yourselves...


love...peace...joy...

BOOT CAMP

Yes you read it right... I've up and joined a boot camp...why you ask??... I don't know I've been trying to find an answer to that same question for over a week now, walking around in pain as my body is sore in places you don't even want to know. Now, mind you there are far more fun and interesting groups I'd rather be part of... say.... oh off the top of my head..... a Martini lovers group?? Where a bunch of us get together tasting a variety of Martinis and not doing a whole lot else.... or say... computer addicts anonymous?? Where us blog and facebook addicts can sit around and discuss how the computer world is interfering with our social lives...all the while holding on to our laptops tightly in our laps, eagerly checking our comment boxes.... But, I chose the boot camp...a wise choice given the health hazards of the above mentioned... don't you think?

So, here's the thing... I'm not getting any younger, and I'm certainly not getting any thinner sitting on my behind blogging all day... and there comes a time when one must choose to either be happy with the way we look and feel.... and not complain about it all the time... or choose to do something about the things that interfere in our thoughts at night and shut that nagging voice in our head once and for all. I think... most of us who are trying to trim down are going about it the wrong way... we get into fad diets and quick fix workout routines for all the wrong reasons. We think that just by starving ourselves, or running our asses off for a whole week, will help us fit into those old favorite jeans of ours or that little cocktail dress for an event we're going to. But, what we fail to realize is that these routines might work for short term results, but in the end we gain all the pounds we've shed and then some....

What I've come to understand the past couple of weeks, is that in order to really stick to a plan...(and this plan shouldn't be all about trimming down, looking good, and loosing some pounds, but more for feeling better, having more energy and just overall bettering ourselves), we should approach it differently... Let me explain, when we decide to go on a "diet" which in turn means cutting calories, restricting some food intake, and avoiding some food all together... we are setting ourselves up for failure right from the start, because we all know that it is human nature to crave what we can't have.... However if we start by committing ourselves to an exercise routine, we start feeling better faster and in turn start to watch ourselves a bit more carefully around the table... Let's face it, if we put ourselves through hell each time we work out... naturally we are not going to want to stuff unnecessary calories down our throat, in turn throwing all that work down the drain. I think we love ourselves far too much to do that...

So... bottom line is, if you want to lose some weight... look at it from a different angle, sign up for some activities just to feel better, that's it... that alone should be your only motive... and the rest will follow. You will naturally want to watch what you eat, you will undoubtedly have more energy to be even more active and in the end will definitely shed some pounds, and in the process you'll have some fun, get stronger, fitter and will feel much healthier. The ultimate bonus will be... when you look good and feel good about yourself... you will be a happier person, and believe me your kids and family will appreciate that.

Get out there and move... just for the sake of happiness.


love...peace...joy...

By the way I love my boot camp trainers and the program they have put together, they are changing lives every day out there... well done guys!

mindful absence..

Had another great Tai Qi practice today....
When the group is in sinc and we all sway to the movements together we become one with nature and that is one of the greatest feeling.

One of the most important part of practice is what the master calls it..."mindful absence". What this means is that we are fully aware of our surroundings, the sounds that nature makes, the leafs that sway and sing to the wind, the earth and branches that crackle under the footsteps of hikers around us, the flap of birds wings in flight and their chirping as they sit on the trees observing us dance. It is imperative that we do stay awake, to be part of all that goes on around us, and yet just as important to be absent. This is what mindful absence is... aware of it all yet not consumed by it. Think of a Deer grazing... she is so lost in her world, just munching away, yet the ears are very alert, observing and listening to every little sound around her... One little crack will have her running to safety.

The mind can wonder and get lost in thought as you meditate or practice, it is only natural with all the things going on in our head. But in Tai Qi we let the thoughts come in and just pass through our mind...we mustn't let them linger and take away too much of our energy. That is exactly what Tai Qi is... the practice of flowing the energy through our body, and harnessing our Qi, directing it to the places that could benefit from it greatly. With each movement that is what we do, help that energy flow freely from one point to the next, we also use the energy that mother earth is offering to heal our bodies, and at the end of the practice we return that energy back to her.

So, try mindful absence next time you are meditating, by being aware of what is around you and at the same time not getting lost in the noise, both from the outside and from the inside of your body... you'll become one with nature. The energy you will feel will be exhilarating. You'll be refreshed and recharged... I promise you.

Have a safe and fun Halloween weekend :)


love...peace...joy...

love from the bogoshere...

My lovely blog friend Christina over at Soul Aperture sent me this photo today...
Her husband participated in the cancer run in Milwaukee on a September day, and among the names of all their friends who have been effected by this horrid disease, was Gag's name too.... made me teary looking at it.




Thank you Christina and husband for thinking of him and thank you for the photo, you truly are a very special person. To think we don't even "know" each other, we met here in the cyber world, between blog posts and sharing stories, admiring our pictures and finding comfort in our words. Yet it would seem we have connected on a much deeper level...

There is much love here in the blogosphere, no doubt about it.



love...peace...joy...

still learning....

Having been a Psych major in collage, and an overall nut about all things human... our behaviour, our inner senses that are a very delicate and complicated web... our reactions to things... our undying quest for self and purpose....
This past experience has also been a very interesting time for me from an observation stand. I don't know about you, but I am always examining and reexamining myself, my thoughts, the way I handle situations, emotions etc... I have always been that way, but after studying the human psyche and reading quite a bit on the subject, I think I've become more and more aware of this interest of mine.

Naturally... after a person goes through a major ordeal like the one I've been through the past couple of years, your emotional and psychological state goes through a whirlwind of ups and downs, and many sessions of crashes and reboots... But in the end, somehow, we still survive...some may even say conquer ourselves and our inner daemons that so often, (in some people) win the battle.

There are so many changes I've noticed within my very character, some so noticeable that friends and family have pointed them out as well. But... how much of it is normal and how much alarming?? That is the real question... and actually how much of it should be embraced and how much should be shaken off??

Of course I'm different... how can I possibly be the same person? When I've lived the past seventeen years of my life with another person, with whom I've shared most of my days, thoughts, emotions, my joys, pains and sorrows with. Someone to be responsible for and someone who was responsible for me, someone whom I made plans with, did things for, cared for, worried about... And now... that person who was my ever present breath next to me is no longer there... and ya I know what you're going to say... he's still here and always will be. But that's not what I'm talking about..

Here are some examples... very small and insignificant things, but these are the things that make me realize that there is someone...something missing in my everyday life... When I'm in the supermarket shopping... I reach for the things that Gag enjoyed eating, then put them back... like the brand of coffee he preferred or the kind of orange juice he liked etc. .. A load of laundry is missing from the usual pile... his usual spot on the table or the sofa is empty... we ask for a table for 3 in stead of 4 when out... junk mail still arriving with his name on it...or having to explain to the telemarketer on the other line why they should never call back and ask for him... and of course the worse...not hearing him whisper "sweet dreams" before I close my eyes every night.
You see where I'm getting at here??? So... how can I be the same person??

I undoubtedly can not... and most likely will not ever be the same person, but that is human nature... we change with each experience, be it a joyous one like becoming a parent... or a painful one such as loosing a loved one. The difficult task, aside from dealing with the pain and usual symptoms of a grieving heart... is learning to adjust to these changes, learning to like yourself again, to get to know yourself once again, and ultimately accepting these changes within yourself, so that you can live with yourself again... Of course this journey presents yet another challenge... which is having your loved ones and your friends learn to accept these changes as well. For many years they are used to you being a certain way, and now at times your behaviour throws them off, which leads them to believe that you "must be" in trouble or in need of help. Where in reality, you yourself are confused and are learning to adjust.

We humans are a very interesting species to say the least, but what amazes me time and time again is the amount of things we can handle that gets thrown our way in this life of ours. And the majority of us do end up surviving.. conquering.. and gaining a greater understanding of our inner layers. I think the first step in adjusting to these changes is accepting and understanding them. And yes, at times you want that inner "fetal position" to win.. because on some days that's all you want to do, and it's ok to give in at times...as all us humans need that position from time to time, but we can not indulge in that too often, because ultimately we will lose, and we will not only lose ourselves, but in the process will lose everything we love.

So... the journey continues, having learned a lot... yet so much more to be learned still..

I am here, learning... adjusting... accepting... struggling.... surviving and conquering...


love...peace...joy...and some patience!

fun filled weekend...

The weekend started with a pleasant
surprise as I found out that my mom's
friend and daughter were taking us out to lunch.

So we were off to Malibu's Taverna Tony
where delicious food was had.
The saganaki which is a fried cheese flambeed
table side was amazing, as were the rest
of the dishes. And a little Ouzo shared with
good old friends in a nice setting is just what
the doctor ordered.

That evening was one of my favorite
events that takes place in our little community
every year, the Music Festival.

Colorado Blvd. is closed off a few blocks and filled
with food carts, craft vendors and some dozen
bands in different corners of the street.

This shot shows the hustle and bustle on the street,
where people flock to each year for some
good music and great street food.

The boys and I were having far too much
fun to stop and take pictures, but I did
manage to take a few shots of these guys.
Who were performing a Brazilian
Martial Arts dance called Capoeira.
The beat was mesmerizing, and the
performance amazing...

Then we were off to Castaic Lake for a
family picnic on Sunday.
What a beautiful fall day that was,
crisp air, little breeze and the sun warming
us at times.

Of course great food was had...

Little rock stacking, patience lessons were
practiced between father and son (my brother)...
and other family members...

And an overall great time was had, surrounded
by family, food, laughter, and these magnificent
trees...

Lots of great memories were made this weekend, many photos taken, countless bonding conversations between friends and family, kids had quite a few laughs as well as us adults.
Quite honestly this was possibly the first weekend where I felt a glimpse of happiness in my heart, yes again.. Gag was always on my mind and I did get teared up at times thinking how wonderful it would have been to have him with us, and how he would enjoy every moment of this weekend, he loved full days like these, where we had a lot going on...

But... I laughed with a bit more ease this time, and the teary sessions were a little more spread out than usual... And this was a good thing for all of us.


Love...Peace...Joy...

fall has arrived....

well folks... fall has officially arrived
a walk through of a retail store
shows quite a bit of evidence of this




spice and cinnamon scented candles
invade your nose as soon as you walk in

colorful and soft woven scarves
are begging to wrap around your neck

Halloween fabrics are everywhere
from costumes for the kiddies to kitchen towels

and my favorite.... rain gear piled high on shelves

yup... it's here, the weather is changing, the smells and colors around are changing, and so are we.... looking forward to cozy corners, comforted by soft blankets, hot tea and the crackle of the firewood.... enjoy the change of the season... as this too will pass quickly and take us into the winter, as we will no doubt be yearning for the warmth of summer once again.... and the cycle will begin all over .....


love....peace....joy....

by the way all the images above were taken with my little baby cannon :))) not bad huh??

friendship....

I want to talk a little about friendship today...

I'm not talking about the type of friendship that's kind of casual, a drink here and there, a lunch date on a busy work week, or an occasional phone call once in a while. What I'm talking about is the kind of friendship that withstands the test of time, the up and down hills that life takes us through, the connection that is thicker than blood. Not many people are fortunate enough in their lives to make and keep such connections.

Although I'm a strong believer that a lot has to do with the kind of friend you are to others that determines the friends that you make throughout your lifetime. We all go through different stages of life and during these different stages we come across many people that win our hearts, then sometimes we drift away and loose that connection for whatever reason or we hold on to those friends forever if we're lucky.

The friendship that I speak of here is much like the unconditional love of a parent for the child, yes I know that connection is stronger than anything we will ever encounter in our lives, but with a good friendship, an unselfish friendship one that has no boundaries one can come pretty close to a connection that is similar to a family bond. Friends like these will accept you for all that you are, will cherish what you have to offer, will know when to push you, or when to step back. They will understand that if you need time then that is what they give you, or if you need a shoulder then they are the first to arrive... (preferably with some comfort food and vino). They don't judge or criticize you when you are not yourself, instead accept and understand your position, they don't shower you with advise when all you need is a hug, they don't talk when you need them only to listen. And they certainly don't walk away and leave you crouched in a dark corner when you need a lift.

Yes friendship like this is hard to find and hang on to, for those who find it should do all necessary to feed that connection, not to let it drift away. A note of caution here... it is very important that this devotion be a mutual one, if only one is the giving and supportive partner all the time... then that's not a real friendship. And at times we will have to accept that not all people are capable of such a devotion to that connection and those are usually the people that can't make any other connections in their lives last for that matter.

So, yes as the saying goes "we may not choose our family, but we choose our friends" is true, and we should choose.... the people that can take that step and commit to that connection... because a train cannot travel on one track... it needs both tracks on a leveled surface to ride smoothly.

And that's my two cents worth on the topic...
Be well my cyber friends


love...peace...joy...

the game...

So here we were... players, coaches, referees, parents, and family members,
gathered on a Sunday afternoon
(the first day that the smoke had actually cleared up),
all there for one purpose... to remember a great coach, and to honor him by
playing a clean game, to have fun and play from the heart.
T-shirt were made especially for this event for the player to wear
that said:
"In memory of coach Jerry Mansourian
September 6, 2009"

a moment of silence before the game

I took the place of coach Jerry for an
after game snapshot.... this will remain in our
hearts forever...

loyal coach Jerry fans
(thanks Mardy for making these t-shirts and in Gag's fave color)

a jersey was signed by all the players
for us to take home and remember this day by

and here I am... filled with tears of joy and pain.

I wore Gag's favorite cap (which still smells like him).

He always wore a cap on the field, so one day
when he showed up without one... the kids (10 at the time)
were surprised.... one of them yelled out....
"But coach... you're bald!"
what a good laugh we all had that day...

So glad I had enough battery power to at least take a few shots. The special moment of the event though was at snack time, after the game, as I gathered everyone to thank them for putting together this great event... I wanted to make sure that they knew what a memorable day this was for us, and how deeply they touched our hearts, and how proud the coach would be of them.

A few coaches had some things to share as well about the way Gag was on and off the field, and what an important part of the organization he was. So, I wanted to hear from the boys, and asked if any of them had a fond memory with the coach that they would like to share... and what happened was amazing... one by one they got up and told a story or two about this coach they loved so much.... It was truly an honor to be there, and to hear everyone talk about Gag with such high regard, I think it was even more important for our boys to hear all this about their dad. Arman did play that day... and just as I had thought, it motivated him to play this season, and that makes me very happy and I'm sure makes dad very proud.

Gag was there... we could feel him walking up and down the field watching the game he loved... played the way he would have wanted.

I guess we will take part in this seasons games once again... looking forward to our weekends on the field.

love...peace...joy...

something special

Tomorrow at 4pm at the Glendale Sports Complex, where we've had many futball (soccer for all you yanks :) games headed by Coach Jerry, something special will take place.

Some 37 young boys have volunteered their time on this long weekend to play a friendly game to honer their coach. All of these boys have at one point or another been coached by Gagik. The soccer organization and some of the coaches who have worked with him have put this together, I'm so touched by this event.

It will be a difficult day for all of us, as I step on that field, all the memories of past games will come into mind, the way he would pace back and fourth on the side lines yelling out instructions, and the post game "high fives" between the boys and him.... Arman will be participating in this game as well, and I'm sure it will be an emotional game for him too, but I know he will play with his heart for dad.

I will be without my camera tomorrow (I've left my battery charger in Mexico, so till they ship it back to me... I'm stuck with no toy), this may be a good thing.. I love the game with a passion and I'll be sitting on my chair, just enjoying this special game tomorrow. Watching the little faces that have grown into young teen boys, playing the game that coach has given so many pointers on.... I know he's touched their lives in so many ways in the past years, and tomorrow their young heart will touch our lives forever. I'm so grateful for that.

The following weekend will mark the beginning of the new season, it will be the first in eleven years which we will not take part in. We loved this time of the year, a game every Saturday, which meant a late Friday night for the coach. I can just see him now, sitting in the balcony, going over line-up card and game plan, rearranging the players over and over again. He loved this game, and he loved coaching, I can honestly say it was one of his greatest passions in life. He'll be enjoying the game tomorrow as well, except he will probably have the best seat in the house.

I'll post the details of the game and the images on my mind from tomorrow.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend...

love...peace...joy...

back to reality....

Here we are back home... back to reality. So much has happened in that puny little week we were gone....wow I guess life doesn't stop just cause you're out of town :) Never a dull moment in LA, the view from the plane and on the road home was of a city lost in all the smoke from the fires of the past few days. This picture might not show the mushroom like cloud of smoke that looked as though it would devour downtown LA at any moment. This morning that smoke had spread all over the city and ash covered everything in sight... like I said never a dull moment...



Well... smokey air or not we still visited Gag this morning, and I guess he's been busy too... the tombstone has been placed, it looks beautiful (if it can be called that)... but it is perfect, a simple stone for a simple guy. I guess it's been set in stone now... no more denying this reality... I'm still pissed that he is gone... but like he always said... "it is what it is"... and there isn't a thing we can do about it... We took some flowers, and a mortadella sandwich.... why you ask?? That's what he asked from me when he visited me in my dream the other night, the first time I've seen him in a dream since he left (strange request... but a request from him nonetheless)...



And... as I went through my mail this morning (the regular paper mail.. you know that gets delivered by a mailman)... I found a couple of cards addressed to me from my lovely blog buddies, how sweet is that?? One was from Julochka, all the way in Denmark, and the other from Ali in the beautiful state of Georgia. Can you guess which one is Julie's? :) Ali also included a little notepad that's too cute, now every time I'm jotting something down I'll be thinking of you darlin. Both had some beautiful words for me, both are awesome ladies and have been great supportive blog friends, I hope someday to join them at Blog Camp and really get to know them in person.


The last little heart warming surprise was yet another award, given to me by another great blog friend, Shannon. Thank you my dear, this award really made me smile inside.

So, it would appear that life does go on... whether you're present or not. But of course it makes it so much better when you are "present", and have your mind, eyes, and heart open to see all that is happening around you.
Our trip was very nice, all of us got a lot of rest and had oodles of fun which I'll go into with details on another day, it was a much needed getaway.... and yet coming home to all the smiling faces of family is always such a bonus. And as harsh as this reality is that we've come back to.... it is still life... our life... filled with much beauty, joy, sadness, pain, and great memories... so we move onward now... with a little more energy and strength.

love...peace...joy...

beauty

beauty is all around us,
open your hearts,
open your minds,
open your eyes,
breath it all in.

a quote....

"However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? " ----Buddha

evidence of life

I decided to make some cupcakes today, for a beautiful young lady. The smell that filled the house was the first evidence of life in a long time, for those of you who know me personally know how much I love to bake, so it was the first time I felt really calm inside. A lot of love went into these lovely treats and it will bring a smile to her face.... that also makes me happy.



Kristine flew all the way from Greece to celebrate her sweet sixteenth birthday with all her cousins, but unfortunately there will not be a big party held for her, none of us feel like celebrating for obvious reasons. So I wanted to do something special for her....



So, with these colorful little delights in hand I'm heading out the door to visit her, I'm hoping that she will enjoy eating these as much as I enjoyed making them. And I hope that today we can at least give her some happy memories to take with her from this trip. Happy birthday dear Kristine!

signing off today with a smile in my heart and on my face...

love...peace...joy...

a plan

I've come down a bit since my ranting hysteria form the other day, it seems that every time Wednesday rolls around I go into an emotional meltdown. Last Wednesday marked the fourth week, and today marks the first month... a month gone and the rest of our lives to go.

I have been thinking a lot the past few days, I've stayed away from the cyber world to sort out my thoughts. And I've at least come to understand why I get so scared at times... I know myself to be a pretty strong person, and the past year and a half the strength that came from within proved to be more than I had imagined possible. However, now that my body is so emotionally and physically drained, I find at times the power depleting, and that is the driving force behind the fear that consumes me. And I find myself worrying about the future and doubting myself. Again all this is to be expected... let's face it the person we have lost was such a big part of our lives... I'd be worried if I wasn't feeling this way.

So... when we are faced with such moments in our lives, and have certain obstacles to overcome... we must stay focused, make a plan, list the things that we want taken care of and proceed forward. And that is exactly what I plan to do. It is a long list, and one that will take some doing, but with patience, and without too many expectations I'll forge on...

First and foremost on the list is health, must take better care of myself and the boys, have some plans with and for the boys, have a few projects at the shop that will need my entire attention, perhaps my cupcakes will resurface again, more writing to be done....and we will take all of this one step at a time. The boys and I have a little vacation coming up, so I'm hoping we'll get some much needed R&R, and some quality time, after which we can come back to our stronger selves, get on with the routine and try to enjoy every day together as Gagik would have wanted.

The pain and the emotions will still be with us every step of the way, but we'll invent ever more creative ways of dealing with them....

Life does go on, it would seem... and it must...

love... peace... joy...

a magical moment...

Woke up 5:45 this morning to a bright, big, smiling moon starring at me outside my window, (wish I could capture the image better...) my whole bedroom was illuminated as if it was the stage under a spotlight waiting for the star to arrive. Needless to say, I got up and reached for my camera, only to find a full CF card flashing in the dark at my face, sat there and went through some old pictures and deleted a few.... I just had to get a shot of that image. I feel however that perhaps it's time for a new camera... my Canon 10D has been a loyal companion for quite a few years and has had it's share of falls and scratches but, seems to buckle under pressure lately...

Immediately after I took the shot of the moon, I went straight to the living room as I new the sun would be coming up soon, and I know this has happened on many occasions where the moon is up high and the sun is peaking out, but it felt like a magical moment for me, and I wanted to capture it not only in my mind but on "film" as well... So, I waited, and waited... for the first glimpse of the sun from behind the tall trees in my view... sitting wrapped in a blanket, out on the balcony... waiting... and waiting. So I took a shot anyways, as I realized that I really wanted to go back to bed and didn't think I could wait any longer, and I'm glad I did... because I fell asleep, sitting out there (must have been the fresh air), and awoke only when the sun was pretty high up and didn't have the same effect for a picture.... But still a magical moment...(thanks Gag).

Wanted to share with you all...

love...peace...joy...

# 100

As it turns out.... this is my 100th post....wow we've come a long way since my first one.
This should be something special... so let me ponder a bit and come back to it....

Well... considering why I started this blog in the first place.. I think it only make sense to tell you all what this has meant to me... what I've learned... about life, myself, others.... through this journey.
There are so many thoughts swirling in my mind, it's a bit overwhelming, and I can't seem to express myself the way I want to today....(pressure is on ya?)... so I'm going to keep it simple and just say this...

First and foremost I have learned that being honest with yourself isn't really that hard, and that learning to express yourself freely without the worry of being judged can be very beneficial to ourselves and the ones around us. When I first started writing my thoughts down I didn't really think anyone was reading... and perhaps not too many were, that thought alone helped me really feel free to express. And later on as I had more and more of you tuning in and the feedback for my honesty was so pleasing to hear... well I just didn't hold anything back.
Some people have journals and diaries and that's a great way of getting release and freeing your mind from all the thoughts that reside there and even drive us mad at times, but if you have a bit of courage and want to try out an adventure... I suggest you start blogging.... and it is an adventure, at least it has been for me.

The "blogoshere" .... what can I say about this place.... I found so much comfort in this little world behind the computer screen, at the most difficult chapter in our lives... when at times I felt like the walls were crumbling on my head... there you were... holding me up, giving me hope, courage... teaching me about things that were hard for me to learn on my own. This small network of people I had never met, who knew nothing about me... and yet had the most comforting words to share, so much support, such deep compassion.... I guess there is hope for us humans after all...
I could point out one by one all the people that have been there for me through this tough and rugged road, (as I did here) but.. instead I will just say... thank you.... and that I hope you know how much you have all impacted my life and even got to put a smile on Gag's face that day I read all my posts and comments to him. Having a great family and friends circle has helped tremendously as well, but when you get the same caring and compassion from ones you have never met... well that's just an amazing gift...
It has been a great adventure... and it continues to be one of the things I still look forward to each day...

love... peace... joy...

here's to another 100 or two :)

slow steps

Took my first walk in months this morning... the air was cool, the sun was hiding behind a thick blanket of clouds and the streets were quite, just a few solitary joggers were out. The first steps were tough as I am now very much out of shape and overall tired, and the solitude... as much as it's good for us... it does get us thinking about a lot of things. And as my thoughts took me deeper and deeper I found myself overwhelmed... with all the things that I'm responsible for now, all the people I have to worry about and the important decisions I need to make.....


Then I stopped at this fence to catch my breath and to lean on a bit.... after a few deep breaths... it was all clear.... Yes the first steps in this new life of ours (that includes Gag's sister, mom, our boys, friends and family)... will be very hard and the difficulties are going to overwhelm us at times, but that's why we have each other... to be this fence we can lean on and to help us breath easily once again....
We'll have to trek through familiar roads at first, taking slow steps, stopping once in a while to clear our minds, catch our breaths and rest. And we'll start getting stronger little by little and start to notice the beauty that surrounds our lives, we'll be able to take more unfamiliar paths and turn corners our eyes can't see. But we'll always have each other in case we need to lean...


My heart started opening a bit with each step and each time I stopped to take a picture of the wild flowers along the sidewalk....


I started noticing a smile growing on my face...


By the end of my short walk my spirit was lifted a little and I felt good about having had this walk (and glad I took my camera).
This new journey of ours... like I said will be a challenging one for us all, but we'll get through it together with slow baby steps, stopping along the way to see life and enjoy it together. And in the end we will all have a gratifying feeling of having made it through this tough, rugged road that is life...

Enjoy your day everyone...
(I'll have to take you all on a photo tour of our little town one day....)


love... peace... joy...

grooming 101..

Girls.... learn how to shave your man!

I hope you'll never have to do it for reasons I am....but you never know when it might come in handy...

With all that I have to do to care for Gag.... some more challenging than others....

For some reason this is what I've had the most trouble with..... ( how strange????)


It's amazing that we still find things in this terrible daily battle to laugh about... and boy was it funny.... had a good chuckle... both of us... wish there was a hidden camera somewhere..... "funniest video of the year" award...

thanks for laughing with us today...
love and peace with a bit of a smile :)

Anacapa Island day hike

Last weekend uncle Aram and uncle Varoujan took the boys on a day hike to Anacapa Island, which is part of the Channel Islands off the coast of Ventura.

A little short boat ride to the island must have been fun, (notice how the smiles get smaller as the boys get older...) what is up with that???

hang on tight guys... it's a bumpy ride :)

Don't they look enthusiastic??? You wouldn't say it by looking at this picture... but they did have a good time.

Look how beautiful... too bad I couldn't make it... that's ok we'll go back again.

Does anyone read the signs anymore... ( that's a great shot by the way Aram)

What a great picture. It was a great day for the boys.. big and small :)

Thanks uncle Aram and Varouj, ( sorry Arekg wasn't up to it that day, too bad)

love and peace :)