Sunday, April 11, 2010

I'd choose this path again...

Today is April 11th, this date may mean something special for some, maybe a birthday or anniversary, and for others it's just another number on the calendar. For me though it's not only a special date, one that will always remain in my heart and in my memories, but this date signifies an important turning point in my life. On this date nineteen years ago, I realized that something special was happening, I knew I had found a deep connection with someone, that true love had found me. Nineteen years ago today... I found myself walking on clouds, this was the day we first kissed and the rest as they say is history...

It's funny actually, I don't remember the exact date we met, or of our first date, but I remember this one, this was the day we both realized that we were in love and that our search was over.... We had a nice lunch down at the beach, talked forever sitting on the sand as the sun set, I guess the moment was perfect, and as unromantic of a person as I am, I must admit it was very romantic. I don't think we could wipe the grin off our faces from that day on, and I can't help but smile even now as I think back on that very moment. I am most certainly a fortunate person for having felt that and for having such memories that put a smile on my face...

This may sound very strange, but I've had people ask me if I regret anything in life, and I know exactly what they are asking me, I don't really blame them. We humans are a very curious sort, people want to know exactly what and how I'm feeling deep down, they want to know if this experience, this pain has made me think and wonder about some decisions I've made in my life...
Well, here's the truth of it... I regret nothing, how can I regret a decision that has brought me so much happiness in my life, that has filled it with so much love? Every moment we spent together was full and every memory I have of him gives me warmth and a smile... Would I rather not have known him? Would I rather missed out on all the love and joy and in turn not have all this pain now?... NO... I choose this pain, and I would choose this life over and over again, because it was worth it, he was worth it... The only part of all this that gives me the greatest pain, is seeing our boys grow up without a dad..

But look... we can not look at ourselves as unfortunate people, or that our fate was of such sadness, that the road to our destiny led us to this point, and that life dealt us a bad hand.. No, I tell people all the time who look at us with such sad eyes, and feel sorry for us... I tell them that we are fortunate to have had and loved him, our boys had an amazing father, one that showed them how to be strong men, how to love and live a full life. They have an entire library of memories and examples they can pull from when they need to cross a path in their lives, he will be with them every step of the way, by recalling his actions and the way he lived his life, they too will grow up to be wonderful people, such that he would be proud of... as for me, well I do consider myself fortunate. I could have married someone else yes, and perhaps not have found myself as a widow at 41, but would I have had such a great marriage, such a great life, with so much love?
I doubt that... we were soul mates and as sad as it is to have had such a short run, it warms my heart to know that it was a great run. And believe me this thought never crosses my mind, I never wonder about how or what could have been, and I find it very strange that people actually do ask, perhaps those are the ones who have not found the kind of happiness we have.

Yes that's right we may be hurting, and our souls are a bit broken and we can never really mend those cracks, and the pain will never go away completely either, but his presence in our hearts and minds makes us happy people, so full of life and love...if only we had him just for a bit longer....

I choose this pain over not ever knowing him... I'm glad we kissed that afternoon nineteen years ago sitting on the warm sand, and though my tears flow now as I write .... I would not have had it any other way... I would take this path over and over again...even knowing the outcome, because the journey would be worth it..


  1. Ahh, I can feel the warmth of the sand, the tenderness of the kiss and the sunshine of 19 years of love.

  2. What lovely words and thoughts to share with us. Sounds like you have so many wonderful memories of your 19 years together, they will always be with you and your husband will always be in your heart.

  3. Awww Mar jan that was soo beautiful and i am crying now. You are fortunate for having had that love and connection with someone even though it only lasted 19 years than have had a lifetime with someone without love in that life. I love you sis and I celebrate this day with you and always look back on this day and warm your hearth and have that smile on your face as you go down this memory lane. You are an awesome person and I wish you a lot of happiness.

  4. Hello Mari <3

    Murky day ... but am loving it ... and now reading your blog can't stop cruising through memory lane myself ;)

    Each and every time I find myself speechless as I read-on your life! You express it cushy and quietly as you transplant your skin, as you open your encased shell to the world. I find myself reading your ‘life’ incessantly clinging to each and every thought that you so carefully plot with exquisite ‘silence’ and twinge … There is no need for you to select a design or create any occasion, for you’ve lived a life where life has been packed with as much out-of-season more so with exquisite seasonal worth, meaning and reality. You are so grand in keeping all the colors of a painting intact and genuine, polishing each color every chance you get with your heart and soul. I am truly mesmerized by you, by the way of how you bite into memories apiece and a day at a time ♥ Though we’ve never met thus far, I find you truly an irrefutably immense lady! How you love is not even up discussion!!! Thank You for sharing your life.

    PS: I must confess, your every entry has cut through my emotional crust over & over ♥

    Kar ;)

  5. beautifully said. It reminds me of that quote, actually maybe it's a pop song. Anyway, it's "I'd rather be hurting than feel nothing at all"
    Extra hugs for you today...

  6. I was just thinking about you yesterday...that it had been a long time since you blogged. And I wondered how you were doing and here you are... So glad to read your love story. I find it amazing that you remember the day the knew you were in love...and even more so that you don't consider yourself a romantic...I never would have thought that in a million years. Blessings!

  7. This is an amazing post, a strong love like yours of course you would do it all over again. Some people may have 30 or 40 years and be miserable. It is not in the quantity but in the quality. your love is very apparent, I am very proud of you and your strength. Love to you and your family.

  8. “If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.”
    The Crow (1994)

    As people age they face certain problems in life. One of the most common problems now days is Alzheimer's... Memory loss is the worst thing a person can have if they too had a breathtaking love story like your.

    I pray for you to live your life to the fullest.. to have the chance to tell your grandchildren what kind of love you shared with their grandpa.

    My heart aches every-time I read one of your Blogs.

    wishing you more love and happiness with your loved ones...

  9. i love this post. it warms my heart.
    blessings my friend.

  10. such a tribute to a life loved and lived..the picture is stunning!

  11. Beautifully said. You are so strong and it's the strength of the love that you shared that has made you so.