Thursday, July 15, 2010

the first year without him..

How do I begin to describe what I'm feeling today?... I don't think it's possible, this day will forever remain the worse day of my life...the day we lost so much. It is a dark day and nothing can be done or said to make this day any different than what it is... We just have to survive through it year after year...
It was a year ago today, at 8:38pm when he took his last breath, it was the last day we saw him.. touched and kissed him, the last day I held his hand and caressed his forehead. This moment in time we will never forget... our world ended, we stopped breathing...
And now, a year has gone by... a long, painful year, filled with so much sadness, endless tears and heartache, and yet somehow we survived that too...

We've learned so much in the past year...
We learned that it takes a lot to brake the human spirit, and that the strength that resides within each of us is more powerful then ever imagined..
We learned that no matter how sad we are, we can still find a smile on our faces..
I learned that love does really survive, it does stay behind and warms the heart forever..
We learned that family is possibly the strongest weapon for any grieving person to have..
I learned that I can learn a few things from my sons about dealing with sadness..
I learned that we don't run out of tears...and that our pillow can quite possibly be the best shoulder at times..
I learned that a brand of coffee at the supermarket can make you weep like a child, as you run as fast as you can out of there..
We learned that there are some people that are on this earth to inspire us, to show us true love and true beauty in life, but that these are the souls that so often leave us so soon..
I learned that every time I look at our boys, I see him and this makes me smile as well as cry..

There is so much that we've learned, felt, experienced and lived the past year. And we are different now, we have changed, adapted and evolved to fit into the new life we have...
A part of me died with him on this day last year.... but a part of me learned to live...


  1. I learned, or better to say my belief in love, endearing love has been reaffirmed. You have so much to teach us. As you have learned so much so too have taught us so much. Be the shining beacon of hope to your sons and to those around you. Your smile, at times hiding a deep sadness is always precious to us.

  2. Ah, Mari, my heart is with you.


  3. oh dear marinik, how sad yet hw beautiful. is it really a year???? i am rare i know but i didn't forget you. may the force continue with you!

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  5. Sadly I couldn't see the video as I was blocked from seeing it here in the UK on copyright grounds!!!!

    But I too have loved and lost and your words reflect beautifully my feelings as well........

    Thoughts of many remain with you
    Liz x

  6. a year already - hard to believe somehow, although i'm sure it didn't feel like passing fast for you.

    what a blessing that you and your sons are giving each other strenght each day.

    thinking of you.

  7. So well said! Lovely and sad at the same time. My heart goes out to you both! Wishing I could give you a big hug. Hang in there!

  8. I haven't been by in so long, just wanted to say hi... your post is very moving. Thinking of you and wishing you peace, Kitty

  9. miss you ..hope you are well...a year anniversary is so hard

  10. Marin,

    Sending you a ((((hug)))))

    love you,

  11. I was thinking of you and just had to stop by to send you some positive vibes. hope you are doing well. one love.

  12. very touching post from our side