Saturday, October 30, 2010

just another update

Hello dear old friends, it's been a long time since I've put any words on these pages. Have not visited any of you at your corners either, I've missed you all and the blogosphere...

I have however been reading some of my old posts in the recent weeks and have realized what a positive and energetic person I was all throughout this horrible time in our lives. Not to say that I'm a negative person at the moment but, my energy levels are depleting and each day is getting more and more challenging to get through. Now you all know I started this blog to open my heart and mind, express myself through this experience and hopefully help others who may be going through a similar chapter in their lives. I'm sure that is exactly why I was able to handle all that happened and this blog really helped me stay sane...

So, with that in mind I think it's time for another update on this grief thing we're going through. I guess the old saying is that "time heals all wounds" and "in time things get easier".... Well I think it would be more accurate to say that it gets worse before it gets any better. Of course it's different for every person, and it's different depending on who you've lost. A loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a sibling, a spouse are not at all the same. The pain and suffering may be on the same level but the aftermath and all that is required to survive each day is an entirely different path.

Since I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any other close loved ones, except grandparents from old age and illness, I can only give you guys a perspective from my point of view... one of a widow, one of a person who has lost a husband and a best friend, as well as one of a mother helping her boys through the loss of their father. Not an easy task, but grief is in no way ever easy regardless of who one looses. In our case, loosing him was needless to say very hard but, what makes it so much harder is when we lost him. Of course one is never ready to lose a loved one and there is no better time for things like this, but perhaps when we lose an older member of the family, it still hurts but we are comforted by the thought that he or she lived a full life, watched their kids grow, had grandchildren, etc.. and in some way we tend to think life has come full circle and it was their time to go.

When we lose a younger person, one who still had so much to live for and so much to see and experience still... then it's more difficult to find peace with this harsh reality. I can't help but think of all that we still had to do together, and all that he still needed to see, and this hurts me a great deal. Now this tragedy couldn't have happened at a worse time in our boys lives too, they are teens heading into manhood, in great need of their father. I can do all that I can, but will never fill his shoe, and that is a fact, a harsh fact of life that we just need to accept and live with. And in this area I think we're doing ok, we are a close family and that is our power against this tough situation.

Life it would seem is not really fair, we say this all the time and most of the time we don't really think about all that this saying means.. In my case, I was very fortunate to have had a great marriage, and yet it was short lived and ended at a time when we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Our boys were getting older and more independent, we were planning on embarking on a new life, we had big plans and were looking forward to more wonderful years together. So much to live for... But once again, it was short lived, and perhaps it was his time to go, I've come to terms with that now and in some way I'm in peace with it. What the challenge is now, is to reboot and come up with a whole new set of dreams and plans that don't include him. This is the hardest part, I still want to live in the past and replay the images on my mind of all the dreams we had for our future. But I can't!

I need to once again find out who I am without him, what I want from life and the paths I want to take. My boys, their happiness and well being is all I can think about. But with the challenges each day I have to face as a single mother, trying to make things better for all of us... it's not an easy task. When you are busy surviving each day, you don't have time to live!

However I am hopeful, I am after all a pessimistic optimist and there are some rays of sunshine in the horizon.. Thanks for lending an ear once again my friends.

peace

11 comments:

  1. To meet someone thru just pictures they post, comments they post, etc... really shows who that individual truly is. I for one can say that not even having met you, you are an amazing and inspiring woman. One who has an awesome heart and shares it with the world. Your beautiful soul shines thru and you are stronger than you think. You can do anything, it just might seem more challenging at times, but you WILL pull thru! Don't forget that he is watching and giving you that little push to keep going and never giving up. He's your guardian angel and you are never alone.

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  2. Hopefull. Hope Hop. Hop Hop Hop... LOL. Hope is a start. It helps build from there and as a foundation its a pretty solid one.

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  3. I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering if you were going to post again. So glad you did. I have missed you and your heartfelt writing. I will continue to send love and light to you and your boys. Blessings!

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  4. As hard as it is to move on with life. I think a good way to kind of feel better is to constatly keep busy. Which u are doing everyday. New projects, new journeys, maybe a relocation, a new start basically. A loss of a loved one,specially someone like Gago who has not lived life to his fullest is the hardest thing to deal with in life and I sometimes wonder why do we have to go through this in life. We are born, we have fun at a young age as kids, then comes resposibilities and then dealing with crisis and death. WHY?

    I find myself thinking about something or a decision I have made in life to much but I quickly realize thinking about it or analyzing my decisions doesnt get me anywhere or will not change anything. So I just quickly turn a corner and move on. I think a loss like this is much different but the only other thing to do is to move on but never forget and cherish the memories you have with him because no one, not even your new life will take that away from you. You will always have those sweet memories.


    v

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  5. I just can say I'm hopeful for you too...

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  6. Touched my heart to read this.

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  7. I was hoping you would start writing again and I often wonder how you are doing. I hope this year gets better for you and your sons.

    Hugs

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  8. hello, my friend.
    i keep you beside my heart. xo

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  9. i was away for a long time, and am back, catching up. hope you are doing well.

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