just another update

Hello dear old friends, it's been a long time since I've put any words on these pages. Have not visited any of you at your corners either, I've missed you all and the blogosphere...

I have however been reading some of my old posts in the recent weeks and have realized what a positive and energetic person I was all throughout this horrible time in our lives. Not to say that I'm a negative person at the moment but, my energy levels are depleting and each day is getting more and more challenging to get through. Now you all know I started this blog to open my heart and mind, express myself through this experience and hopefully help others who may be going through a similar chapter in their lives. I'm sure that is exactly why I was able to handle all that happened and this blog really helped me stay sane...

So, with that in mind I think it's time for another update on this grief thing we're going through. I guess the old saying is that "time heals all wounds" and "in time things get easier".... Well I think it would be more accurate to say that it gets worse before it gets any better. Of course it's different for every person, and it's different depending on who you've lost. A loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a sibling, a spouse are not at all the same. The pain and suffering may be on the same level but the aftermath and all that is required to survive each day is an entirely different path.

Since I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any other close loved ones, except grandparents from old age and illness, I can only give you guys a perspective from my point of view... one of a widow, one of a person who has lost a husband and a best friend, as well as one of a mother helping her boys through the loss of their father. Not an easy task, but grief is in no way ever easy regardless of who one looses. In our case, loosing him was needless to say very hard but, what makes it so much harder is when we lost him. Of course one is never ready to lose a loved one and there is no better time for things like this, but perhaps when we lose an older member of the family, it still hurts but we are comforted by the thought that he or she lived a full life, watched their kids grow, had grandchildren, etc.. and in some way we tend to think life has come full circle and it was their time to go.

When we lose a younger person, one who still had so much to live for and so much to see and experience still... then it's more difficult to find peace with this harsh reality. I can't help but think of all that we still had to do together, and all that he still needed to see, and this hurts me a great deal. Now this tragedy couldn't have happened at a worse time in our boys lives too, they are teens heading into manhood, in great need of their father. I can do all that I can, but will never fill his shoe, and that is a fact, a harsh fact of life that we just need to accept and live with. And in this area I think we're doing ok, we are a close family and that is our power against this tough situation.

Life it would seem is not really fair, we say this all the time and most of the time we don't really think about all that this saying means.. In my case, I was very fortunate to have had a great marriage, and yet it was short lived and ended at a time when we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Our boys were getting older and more independent, we were planning on embarking on a new life, we had big plans and were looking forward to more wonderful years together. So much to live for... But once again, it was short lived, and perhaps it was his time to go, I've come to terms with that now and in some way I'm in peace with it. What the challenge is now, is to reboot and come up with a whole new set of dreams and plans that don't include him. This is the hardest part, I still want to live in the past and replay the images on my mind of all the dreams we had for our future. But I can't!

I need to once again find out who I am without him, what I want from life and the paths I want to take. My boys, their happiness and well being is all I can think about. But with the challenges each day I have to face as a single mother, trying to make things better for all of us... it's not an easy task. When you are busy surviving each day, you don't have time to live!

However I am hopeful, I am after all a pessimistic optimist and there are some rays of sunshine in the horizon.. Thanks for lending an ear once again my friends.

peace

the unstable path...

This ever changing path I'm walking, this journey that lays ahead is proving to be more and more challenging. It has so far been the most difficult part of my life, it has been the greatest test of my strength and abilities. And as hard as I try most of the time with the greatest of efforts to stay on course and keep my head above water... I still find myself falling harder and deeper at times.

Now, I've accepted the fact that this is really not a simple problem for which there are a few simple solutions that I can apply to and resolve. There are several aspects and challenges that require my attention and strength.... There is the shop, which has been on a slow decline for the past three years and as much as I want to devote all my time and efforts to reinventing and rebuilding business.. for the time being I feel crippled and unable to do all I can to keep it afloat. When your heart is bleeding and you are not a complete person it's very difficult to put your best foot forward, as hard as you might try... My attention is also very much needed in helping the boys through this journey as well, my 13 year old is a very sensitive child and needs allot of care and one on one time to which I always give my full attention. My 16 year old is growing fast, is starting to venture out on his own a bit more, and as much as I want him to enjoy life and all the experiences that he needs to go through at this age... It also worries me...as this is an age where trouble can happen, especially when he also is in a very vulnerable state. There is allot of hurt and anger deep down and I don't want that to be the cause of him taking the wrong path along the way.

I'm doing my best to handle all that is on my "plate" at this time and try to do it with love and a positive outlook. And yes... in a way all these things keep my mind occupied and off of all the pain inside. The little creative things I try to do with the little time that I have during the day...with the blog and the 365 Flickr group, as well as keeping up with friends on Facebook....is also a great way of keeping myself "busy"... But I wonder if all this keeping busy and occupied thing is really a good thing, let me explain...

You keep your mind saturated all day with the little and big things that require your attention, just to not deal with the emotional storm that's brewing deep down...and this keeps you going most of the day, and at night you still stay busy till the very moment your eyes give in, because you're just so tired of crying yourself to sleep each night... And days give into nights and weeks pass... as you start feeling good about yourself, and think that you may actually have a hold on this situation and perhaps have a false sense of control... You have yet another meltdown... where you find yourself weeping in the car in front of you kids, on the way home from a family night at the movies...because that reminds you of how this was his favorite thing to do....
Or you completely fall apart at a friends wedding, the happiest day of their lives...as you sit there and watch them start their new life together...your mind replays the beautiful moments you had on your wedding day... and you throw yourself out the door, looking for a dark corner to run to so people don't witness this pure and utter destruction... And at that very moment you realize that all the progress you think you've made over the past few months and everything you thought you had a handle on... you actually don't....
And...you're back to square one... feeling like you have not accomplished anything... and that you have no control of this situation.... That grief actually has a hold on you, and you feel powerless against it...so you give in once again and hope that when you open your eyes in the morning...the little things that give you joy will resurface and help you put yourself back together...

The cycle begins again... but at least each time you start over you hope that you've learned something new that you can apply this time around, you learn that no matter what you do to avoid dealing with the war inside... it is still there and needs your attention just as much as all the other things. And you need to spend time and face this pain inside and perhaps nurture it, give it your full attention...but not dwell on it too much...because when you do turn your attention inward, the pain is overwhelming and can consume you if you let it...however avoiding it completely is not a wise thing either as it will no doubt keep brewing till one day it boils over leaving you in a worst state then before...

The path continues... ever more unstable...ever more rocky... yet I'm still hopeful and have faith in myself...we will come out of this...


peace..

it's all too fresh..

We lost a very dear family friend this past week, and had to be strong, and support the family through these tough days. But being there at the wake and the funeral... just destroyed me...
It's all too fresh for me, and I can't seem to recover from it yet. I've cried harder the past few days than ever... I miss him more and more, and need him by my side ever more...

This path just seems to get harder and harder... I hope the pain inside doesn't win over the strength, I have no choice but to be strong, my boys need me and will need me more and more, I must stay strong... but it's just proving to be more challenging as time goes by...

I'm hoping...

I miss you my love... please help me by giving me strength to get through this storm...

my everything...

Four months ago today, at 8:38pm I lost my everything....

my husband
my best friend
my teacher
my lover
the father of my children
my partner in crime
my drinking buddy
my ocean breeze
my ray of sunshine
my voice of reason
my peace of mind
my soul mate
my pillow
my warm embrace
my goodnight kiss
my shoulder to cry on
my Saturday night date
my joy in life
my smile
my everything...

My name is Mari and I'm a recovering widow...

enjoy your loved ones fully...


love...peace...joy.....

looking for the light...

I heard Arman shaving this morning before school.....

My thoughts started whirling in my mind again... I remembered the day Gag showed him how to shave, he was ill already yet still had enough energy to teach him at least this one little step to manhood. And of course, all kinds of things started popping into my head, all the things that the boys still needed to learn from dad, all the wise words they are going to look for, all the times they will search for him as they reach moments in their lives that will require dad's advise..

I was overwhelmed by all the feelings that came over me once again, this tremendous fear took over, the helpless feeling of not being able to fill that void in their lives... I couldn't breath, it was so terrifying, so claustrophobic, my head was spinning from all that was going on up there. Will I be able to give them all that they will need, provide them with at least some of the answers to the questions they'll be faced with? Will I have the strength to be there every step of the way, to guide them, to help them choose the right path, to give them the right tools to grow into strong, confident men? There is no doubt in my mind that they have already learned so much from dad, and those lessons will always stay with them... but how many more lessons are left untaught?

This is when I really felt the need for Gag's presence, and this is what I miss the most about him always... our talks, we always talked through things, every obstacle, every hurdle, every tough situation was resolved by long talks and we both felt so much better in the end.. I needed him today more then ever, I needed his wisdom, his positive words that always made me see the light, his comforting voice telling me that all will be fine in the end... I needed to see him, to hear him... so I got in my car and drove out to the cemetery... where else to go to feel his presence???



Took some flowers, burned some essence, shared a cup of coffee and talked.. I did most of the talking... he didn't really have a lot to say, in fact he hasn't really been talking to me much... I'm still waiting... But, it felt good to tell him all my worries like old times, and perhaps it's the serenity of the place itself that always seems to calm me down somehow....



In the end.. the sun did peek through the clouds, as if to embrace me with it's warmth, and pat me on my shoulder to say that things will be ok, that we will come out of all this in tacked, and the light will appear again at the end of this dark tunnel. I walked away feeling a little better, much stronger that I felt in the morning, and even though all my worries are still there, the fear, the doubt, the pain are all still my constant companions, but a little less suffocating...

Another dark day turned a bit brighter, the heavy heart still lingers, it's hard shaking off an emotional morning, but with a few deep breaths I'll make it through the day, and always hope for a better start tomorrow.


love...peace...joy...

breaking down....

Oh boy.... my dear blog friends, had a really low evening yesterday...so brace yourselves for a tough read...

Gag's best friend had surgery yesterday and I went to visit him in the hospital, and let me tell you... it was such a painful flash back moment for me. Same hospital, same parking lot where I've cried many a times sitting in my car, same hallways we've walked together...

As I got off the elevator, a couple were walking up and down the hall, the husband had just had surgery and was doing his recovery walk, the wife holding his hand tightly, walking slowly next to him for support.... it took me immediately to the days following Gag's open heart surgery and our walks down these halls. He was so determined to recover quickly and get on with life, every couple of hours he'd say..."let's go love, let's take a stroll". And we'd go around a couple of times, holding hands, talking, laughing.... Gag as usual joking around with the nurses, saying hello to neighbors in the other rooms, and the nurses thought we were so cute, strolling hand in hand as if we were in a beautiful park, walking along the paths enjoying the trees around us without a care in the world...

Let me tell you I just wanted to fall on the ground and weep... but of course I didn't, after all I was there to see a friend, to cheer him up, and comfort him by giving him some encouraging words, so once again I held it together and buried my pain, well... at least till I got to the parking lot and cried sitting in my car alone like I've done so many times before.

Had to compose myself, wipe the tears and put the smile back on, I went to pick up Arman from the soccer field, and boom... once again a flashback hit me, but it was like nothing I had experienced before. I parked the car, started walking towards the field, and there it was, right where Gag used to park his car was a dark blue Scion, with soccer gear in the back just like Gag's. And as naive and stupid humans as we are, for a split second I forgot everything and had a little joy moment of knowing I was going to see him.... but that's all it was, a very short millisecond of joy... then I woke up and realized what I was thinking and how unreal it felt. And that is when I lost it, right there under the lights, standing next to that car. everything came crushing down... and all this happened in front of Arman... which I hate to do...

But, I am only human... And there is only so much I can restrain. This is what happens when you swallow your pain time and time again, bury your sorrow deep under your skin and hold back all the tears that want to burst out. It all comes pouring out when you least expect it and where you didn't want it to happen. I know that it's ok for the boys to see me hurting and know that after all, we are in this reality and that yes, it is very hard for all of us, but I don't want to give them the pain of seeing me like that and the helplessness that they feel, knowing that there is nothing they can do to change the situation. Something no mother ever wishes for...

So, yes a very tough evening for us, it was possibly the worst weeping cry I have ever had, and I feel exhausted this morning, but we must carry on, hold it together and just keep breathing....

Realized this morning that... what a surprise.... it was Wednesday yesterday... wow!

Enjoy every moment of your lives...


love...peace...joy...

getting harder....

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tough... it seems like just when we feel strong enough to stand again.... there is yet another milestone to cross. The vacation, as lovely as it was, still reminded us that he's missed tremendously. Then came our anniversary, which was a pretty tough day, we were flying back that day, and all through the flight I kept thinking....who would have though... 17 years ago we were dancing, enjoying that happy day together... and here we were, the boys and I flying back alone from a trip, having just lost him....

Then of course came his birthday just a few days later, and that only cut into the wounds deeper, reassuring us all that.... no doubt he is gone forever from our lives. Yes, he is in our hearts and has left many good memories to cherish....but he is no longer with us, we can no longer hold him or sit and talk to him.

The game on Sunday, once again as great of an event as it was to celebrate the achievements he's had and the many lives he's touched.... was again a reminder of the void that's left. To hear all the young players and the coaches talk about how he made a difference in that organization was a great honor for all of us and yet again cut into the wounds, making them ever more deeper and the pain even more horrendous.

So, as we try and move forward and try to heal these wounds, we will time and time again be reminded of this giant loss in our lives, and that only makes things harder to accept. How can we nurse these wounds and mend our broken hearts with the constant milestones that remind us of how great of a man he was and how tough the road ahead without him will be....

This path seems to get only harder and harder to walk....


As promised I will do a post about the game and what a great event it was, how wonderful of a time was had, how heart warming a words were said.... and how deep of a pain was felt by all.
But, for today... I had to let you all know how I was feeling and needed to get this out.

Once again thanks for lending me an ear and a shoulder to cry on with my constant flow of tears...


love...peace...

Happy 49th Gagik

Today is his birthday, and interestingly enough it fell on a Wednesday this year (you all know how I feel about Wednesdays...) so a tough day ahead.. and an even tougher night behind me.

I didn't get much sleep last night, just too much pain and tears. I tried very hard to remember the great moments we've shared together and the many happy occasions we've enjoyed.... but the only images that haunted me all night as my tears soaked into the pillow, were of his last days. The pain he endured, the falls he took, the fear in his eyes, the horror he must have felt knowing the end is so near.

I've tried, in the past month or so, not to think of those days as they give me so much pain, so it looks like they all came to me at once... I guess I had to face them someday. As I look back now and think about those moments, it hurts so much.... all I can think of is how terrifying it must have been for him... to feel yourself deteriorate like that... to know that you're leaving this world and everyone you love behind.... And he never once talked about it, or even showed what he was feeling inside.... and all that was done for us. As I've said before, I always tried to be strong for him and he was always protecting me and the boys,and everyone else around him, so that we don't feel the hell that he was in. So much strength... can a person really be that strong?

The memory of his last gaze is imprinted in my mind forever.... I can never forget that moment we shared just a few hours before he flew away. He wasn't awake too much the last few days, and when we moved him that day he opened his eyes (I'm so glad I was next to him that very moment), I got very close and looked right into his eyes, they looked dazed and distant...but I knew he could see and hear me and I spoke to him from my heart as he gazed deeply into my eyes... I knew that he was happy to see my smiling face one last time, I made sure that this would be the last image on his mind and not of my crying, sad eyes. I'm happy to have been able to give him that and happy to have had the chance to say my last loving words to him. And then he was gone....

I spoke to his mom last night, and the images that played in her mind all day yesterday were of the day she gave birth to him... the hours of labor... the happy moments after birth, the excitement of his dad knowing he just had a son. For a mother it's an entirely different kind of pain... the years you spent nurturing that child, the years of bringing him up through difficult times, to see him grow into a great man and to endure the pain of his death before yours.... that is unimaginable....

I guess she was there during his entrance into this world... and I was there for his exit...

I had planned to share some happy stories with you all on this day.... but this is what I'm feeling today....

Happy Birthday my love, we miss you ever more today than any other day...


love...peace...joy....

walking the path

As I find myself... just in the beginning of this path to recovery, of healing, of grief that lays ahead, I am so overwhelmed... bewildered...drowning... lost in an ocean of emotions for which I am having trouble finding solutions.

The past few months as we walked that difficult path, hand in hand, Gag and I had each other... and as much as we both tried not to reveal too much of our worries to one another... there was still some comfort, knowing we were there for each other. That's how we were in our marriage, our friendship, our partnership... always ran to each other for support, for a hug, for a few comforting or wise words. And now that I've lost that half of myself... I have to walk this path alone...and it is proving to be so hard on my soul.

Yes, I have so much love and support from family and friends... but I've never leaned on anyone but myself and Gag... so I'm finding it very difficult to reach out... this is not a new development, I've always handled things better alone... however... this path is a new path, one that I have no experience in dealing with. Every day is a new lesson, each moment presents a new emotion to overcome. And even if I reach out for some comfort...it is only temporary...deep down I still have to overcome this myself. Having friends and family close by is a great help for the boys, they can benefit a lot from that support belt.... for me the situation is different.

No matter what I do to keep myself busy during the day... spending time with the boys... the shop.... blogging... facebook... having visitors..... I find no comfort, no relief, no shortage of tears or pain. At the end of the day I'm still left with the burning pain in the pit of my soul... the pain of having lost such a big chunk of my heart.

I'm finding no words to express what I feel, and I am writing today...(with great difficulty)... not so much to get all this out of my system but more for all of you... so that if ever in your lives, any of you find yourselves on this path, that perhaps some of my words will shed light on the uncertainty of the situation and help you walk that path.

The overwhelming emotions of which I speak of come in many disguises... I feel pain, different levels, in different areas... pain in my heart, my body. I feel sadness that weighs a ton on my heart.. the side effects of months of repressed feelings are starting to surface and have caused much damage inside... the longing, each morning of waking up from this nightmare..and the sinking feeling when I open my eyes to find an empty pillow by my side... there are so many thoughts and feeling all the time in my head, the ongoing battle within... having been strong till now... I must be stronger more so now for the boys. Yes, there are moments in any given day of laughter, of good memories, of feeling the love that the boys and I have inside from Gag, and the comfort I feel inside knowing that the last days he spent with us were lived fully. Each day... a new pain to combat, a new emotion to overcome...

These are not emotions, feelings, battles that can be overcome by anyone but me, yes a cry shared with a loved one, some words of comfort... a hug... is a good antidote but not a cure.
This will have to be overcome by me and me alone, and I guess time is the one thing that will help me walk this path.

Time...

combating pain...

This morning was tough, the tears started at night and just wouldn't stop... perhaps I needed to cry me a river.... it just drained me so much.... and the pain didn't get any better in the morning either... so I needed a project, something that involved happy memories of Gag and me keeping busy....



And that's just what I did... framed some of his work, devoted a wall and hung them up.... right where we can see them every day. I'm glad the boys have some friends over today and are busy in their own way, but Arman noticed my puffy eyes and gave me the most comforting and gentle hug....took the pain away a bit. I'm so fortunate to have the boys... thank you Gagik for leaving some beautiful angels behind to look out for me.

So a bit of advise from this hurting soul to you.... make not only every day count... but embrace each moment and create a memory worth cherishing. That's all I have for you guys today.

love... peace... joy...

boys becoming men

Most friends and family have been calling and e-mailing me just to check up on us, and mostly to see how the boys have been doing.... Well I really have no answer to those questions...
Just like me... the boys seem a bit disoriented, kind of numb really... can't seem to find our place... can't seem to find peace anywhere...
Yes, I have been keeping a close eye on them, talking to them trying to comfort them... but they are not like us adults... they don't necessarily always want to talk about what they are feeling (especially teen boys), so this is a bit of a challenge for me and I don't really want to become a "nag", like Arman says... "mom chillax".... So, I'm trying to "chillax" and give them space and kinda letting it roll...
Today... we had a not so chillaxed moment.... First of all, last week Arman said he didn't want to go to the shop anymore and didn't really have a valid reason... so I thought.... I kinda had a feeling what it might be... as I too am having a hard time spending too much time there myself. And today was supposed to be his first soccer practice, now let me just say that from the start of the summer when it was time to register he expressed that he "didn't want to play this year if dad wasn't coaching", so I didn't register him. But after Gag's passing, one of the coaches suggested that it would be good for him to play and he should do it for dad one last time...

Getting back to today... as he was putting on his soccer gear, mumbling to himself... I asked why he is unhappy... well he finally spoke... and there was no end to both of our tears. "How mom??? how do you want me to go on that field and play that game ... when dad isn't there???? I can't do it... I just can't... please don't make me... it hasn't hit me yet that dad is not around... It's just not fun anymore without him"
This.... this whole new life of ours will take sooooooooooo much time to get used to, and I just want what's best for them... and even I don't know what that is right now.
We all need time, I'm so glad that we got to cry together... talk things through together...
I told him that this is what we need to do to survive this.... to heal... to live.... and even though it really hurts now to look back at the memories... that's what's going to keep us going later.

"Dad was too good mom.... how can I not miss that goodness????"

It hurt... it was difficult... but a step forward nonetheless... my little boys becoming men.

Rob by the way... is ok, he gets sad sometimes, then we hug and he's back to doing what he was doing
I love my boys, without them this would not be a life worth living...

love... peace... joy...

the road to recovery...

It's morning again.... I wake up every morning with a very heavy heart... perhaps hoping as I open my eyes, that... I was having a nightmare and that all is well, but.... still wake up to this cruel reality.

On some mornings I am able to shake it off, get busy and find the positive of the day... and other times... I just want to retreat into a dark corner and wallow in my pain. This is that morning.

I lay there in bed and start thinking, and the more I think the more I am reminded of this terrible situation we're in now. Every moment of every day he is on my mind, I miss his presence... then my mind goes on a speeding train and the "what ifs" start to surface....
what if I can't do the best I can for the boys???
what if I'm not strong enough to get through life with pain in my heart???
what if I can't shake off this misery and can't recover???
what if the boys are faced with things I can't handle???

Yes... I have been strong till now, but this pain in my heart wasn't as suffocating...
And perhaps it's ok to feel this way for a little while, perhaps I don't have to be fine right away and continue life as if nothing has happened, perhaps this is how you grieve,
I just hope we can recover....
And as much as I just want to go back to bed and wallow some more... responsibilities call me...

perhaps a depressing post today, but just as important to have said these words... why else am I blogging???
thanks for lending an ear....

love... peace... joy...

At 8:38 pm on Wednesday, July 15th 2009, the world lost an amazing human being !

And Heaven gained an awesome Angel !


Posted on behalf of Mari

Peace and Love

distance...

I decided today.... that I need to let my heart breathe...

I've taken all I can.... my heart can't take it anymore...

Seeing him like this just destroys all the beautiful images of him I have inside...

I've stood strong, and patient, and have done all I can...

Now... I have to let him be... the nurses that care for him do it well, and I just can't care for him anymore... I will go in and kiss his hand ever so gently now and then... but can't overstay my welcome, he wants to go... I can't have him anymore... I have to let go...

I have an ache, that wont go away... not for a long time....

with a heavy heart....

peace

yet another update....

So... here we are... I decided to take some time and fill you all in on what's going on here....

The past 2 weeks have been so unimaginable... It was just a couple of weeks ago when Gag and Rob sat down for their painting adventure together... and as weak and in pain he was.. he could still function, talk, laugh and make us laugh. Well my friends, this cancer is just so fast and efficient at it's work... it just progressed so much so quickly, and has damaged so many parts of his body....

For the last two days we've had to have a 24 hour nurse here to try and control the unbearable plain that he's in... And this is what's killing me now, the ONE request he had... to please make sure he has no pain and we can't make that happen at times. He shouldn't have to suffer so much....

So, for the moment his pain is controlled.... yes he is out of it most of the time and he looks like he's in peace in his sleep... yes we still wanted him to be alert and share a few more words with us but... it is not as important as him not feeling any pain. He still comes to sometimes and still has a few things to say... like whispering to my mom..."take care of the boys"... or to say to whoever comes to visit... how much he loves them. And he is still asking about when Micheal (his old friend) is coming?? He is arriving on Tuesday evening, and Gag is so concerned about not being able to see him, or to communicate with him... I wish he could come sooner... but....

And now... our only wish is that he has an easy transition, a light journey into the other world, a journey with no pain... a journey without care or worry....

So, I keep whispering to him... not to worry about us, and that the boys and I will be fine... and that he may leave in peace.... His spirit needs to be freed from this physical body that is so scarred with so much pain and disease...

And I hope that all the horrid images from the past weeks will not stay in my mind for too long, and instead I will remember the few good moments we had during this journey... and the little kisses he still blows at me when he opens his eyes and sees me, the way he holds my hand and squeezes it tight yet ever so gently... these are the things I want my heart to hold on too... because everything else is just so painful... that it could very easily take over my soul.

That is all my friends.
I also wanted to send many thanks to all of you for all the love you've sent our way... this would have been so much more unbearable without you all.

love and peace!

a few sips of Jack and a thousand tears later....

having to choose which casket would "suit" your 48 year old husband does something to a person...... (I can't believe we're getting so close.....)


so this is what I did to conquer myself last night.... otherwise I would have drowned.

"One may conquer in battle a thousand times a thousand men, yet he is the best of conquerors who conquers himself" ----Buddha

love and peace...

my little "man"

It seems like just yesterday... we rushed to the hospital to welcome our first baby into our world. After 20 some hours in labor and with the help of my amazing coach (Gag)... we looked at our firstborns face and shared a ton of tears together... what a beautiful day that was... Gag always says that was the greatest day in his life.... Two and a half years later came our second boy Rob... and the first thing he did was pee on the doc... but that's another story...

And today.... when I look at the face we first saw in that delivery room, I see a young man... who has grown to be such an amazing person...

A couple of days ago... I lost my iron mask... and broke down and cried in front of Arman... I never let myself do that in front of the boys... I want them to know that I'm standing strong for all of us and I don't want them to get scared and worried about me or their future... But, I had gone through a very difficult day and just couldn't hold it in.... and I was comforted by a compassionate, caring, loving young man.... was this that little baby?? The one that used to keep us up all night to read him stories??? How did the years go by so fast... and now I see him standing tall and strong who is willing to be that wall behind my back... to catch me when I fall...

He has been more attentive and helpful in the care of dad... and yes for that I'm so thankful, and proud of him for stepping up to the plate and slowly fitting into the mold of a man, but.... I didn't want him to be thrust into this role so early in his life... and still want him to know that I'm here, that I will still take care of him (them).....and that he doesn't need to grow up so fast... and that in no way will I stand by and see him miss out on his youth... and the best years of his life... just to care for me.... I know.. I know... I'm sounding a bit dramatic... perhaps because that metal lock is off my heart today and the tears are freely sliding off my cheeks...as the words look blurry.... I will stop now.

Yes, life is not being fare to our boys... they need their father and will always need him, at times more that others, but I will always be here... I have made a promise to Gag that although their lives will never be the same....and they will have tough times (that's life), but I will make sure that they will have many happy and joyous days as well...

ok, I seriously can't see the screen anymore....

keep love and peace in your hearts..

Udate

Time again..for another update on husband's condition.

I'll start by saying that there is not one day or even a moment that is like another....take yesterday... other than the two to three hours of pure joy we had painting away... he was in a lot of pain and had far too many discomforts... (ahh but those blissful moments were worth a thousand..)

It would seem that this enemy we are at war with has many faces... many tactics... many points of attack. And we need to be ever more flexible to be able to survive every attack. We have learned much in the past month, through the ever changing hurdles we've encountered.....

We've learned that the pain which is "controlled" can actually peak at a moments notice and the meds need to be adjusted time and time again... so that he doesn't endure that which he doesn't need to. We've learned that food and eating is not necessarily a priority any more... his systems inside will be shutting down slowly and that "flight or fight" mechanism will not be working with full force. We've learned that your body has points where it doesn't allow any needle to work it's magic... and after leaking morphine for hours we finally realize why the pain is not going away....yikes. We've come to understand that his legs will be the first to stop operating.... (he fell a few days ago... his legs just gave out under him), the walker is his constant companion for now.....

And I have personally learned that there is much more still ahead to be learned.... and that as things progress, and his condition worsens.... I need to pull myself together and be able to face each new challenge head on, I need to be prepared for any new attack and be able to fight back and survive each of those attacks. And that good moments on any given day might be just that... moments... glimpses of joy... a second... and if not savored will be lost forever.

Things are getting harder to say the least, and it's the hardest on him.... and this is why I need to build a tolerance for the pain I feel, as not to put more strain on his discomforts.... he worries about me, I see it in his eyes... every time I help him dress or to get up and walk.... he looks at me with those loving eyes.... as if to say.... I'm so sorry that you too are suffering with me.....
But this is the ups and downs that is Cancer.....we suffer together and rejoice together.... and in the end we will have learned so much about our everlasting, ever real, ever timeless love.....

love and peace

the time has come

My dearest friends....

I wish I had some happy words to share with you tonight.....

But.... as my heart aches with each word I type, and my soul is in agony from my thoughts.....
I have not much to say.... it would appear that cancer is winning.... the tumors in his liver and on his spine have actually doubled in size in the last 8 weeks, and are growing very rapidly.

As advised by our wonderful and compassionate doctor, that any further treatment would put unnecessary strain on his body..... so the time has come for us to seek help from Hospice.

The time has come for me to make every day really count, to make sure he has no pain, that he is comfortable and surrounded by our love and joy, and to savor each glance, each kiss, each moment we're together.

Once again, he handled it with the utmost strength, courage, grace and humor... that's my Gag.
I will be seeking help from one of the social workers at City of Hope to speak to the boys and explain what we will be going through... It will be very hard, I know I will be strong... I will be patient, I will be comforting, and I will be there for all of us.... I have to be.

I have no more words to share tonight...

keep love and peace in your hearts

What to expect?

I've been avoiding talking about this the whole week.... I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow, we have a CT and Bone scan scheduled, it will be another long and tiring day for Gagik.

And to be honest I don't really know what to expect from the results.... on one hand do I hope for a small chance of some good news???? Or expect the worse???? If I hope for too much... then there is the disappointment to deal with.... if I expect the worse... am I really ready to handle any more bad news??... not that it could be any worse at this point.
They did say that chemo will most likely not help anymore, but there was a small chance that both the chemo and radiation treatments together might make things a bit better.... But the way he's been feeling the last week... I don't know if things are getting better or worse.

He's not doing too great... the nausea is a constant companion, the pain is always there no matter how many pills he takes, and all the pills make him numb so his mood and spirit is suffering as a result of that.... I want to take him out for a walk or to lunch... but he just has no interest, mostly because he's not feeling well. S0, once again I need to make another transition... and learn to deal with this stage another way... do I back away and just let him be??? Or push him to be more "present"????

All very tough questions to ponder...., perhaps today is not the right day to deal with them... been up most of the night just thinking, and I'm just drained, so how about I just "skip" today and hope to (no plan to) wake up with more spirit tomorrow.

And you know??? Ya he's not doing so great... but he's not doing so bad either.... and whatever tomorrow has in store for us... we'll just deal with it as we have with all that's come our way so far.... right? Although we won't have the answers till next week, so that will be another challenge to wait patiently.... in the mean time.... I'll just write.... helps me cope and stay composed...

Thanks for lending an ear ya all...


Love and Peace!