Project "Postcards for Smiles"

Dear friends I'm happy to announce that I'm finally able to launch this project.  My mind gave birth to the idea a little later than I would have liked but, we still have two months till my trip to Armenia.  With all of your support I'm confident that we can make this a successful fundraiser. So here is the idea behind this beautiful project...

I will be bringing my late husbands ashes to Armenia this summer, to Etchmiatsin where he studied as a young boy. I want to honor and remember his kind and happy spirit with some charitable deeds.  This is where you come in... I have put together some of my better photographs as greeting cards, I've build an online shop where you can view and purchase these lovely gifts, and also read more about the project.
Please spread the word, share this link with friends and family... with great appreciation and a humble heart, I thank you!

Mari Mansourian
HerThirdEye

http://herthirdeye.myshopify.com/

Love.. Peace.. Joy..

always with us...

Hello friends, I've been a bit absent from here...don't feel much like writing lately, too much going on. In case you are wondering, we are doing ok, dealing with the usual ups and downs of this path, of life really...something everyone is faced with through their journey. Little bit of joy, some sadness, a few great moments here and there, sometimes tears of happiness, sometimes of sadness, mix in some love and laughter and that is LIFE in a nutshell...
I'm getting sort of used to the peeks and crashes that roll from one day to the next, I guess us humans adapt to everything eventually, it is what it is.... But I guess that's the beauty of life...what did Forrest Gump say?... "Life is like a box of chocolates"?.... which is not really a bad thing :)


I have to tell you, it's hard letting go of someone so special nor do we want to, or we should.... it's funny I still have his toothbrush next to mine by the sink, see it every morning and every night. Is it the false sense of comfort that I want to feel, is it there still because for that brief second my eyes see it, I can fool myself into thinking that he is still with us?... All his colognes are there still, sitting next to mine on the vanity, collecting dust... The other day I thought I'd clean them up a bit, picked one up and the scent hit my nose and I realized just how much I miss him... had a good cry session for the next hour or so, that's ok too, need that at times...

Should we hang on to a few things that remind us of his presence or absence? Or should we remove everything?.... There is no answer to these questions, these items are still there because they just are... I haven't made an effort to remove them or to leave them be, and whether they are there for our eyes to see or not, makes no difference really... Because he is gone and yet he is still with us, we may not see him or be able to touch him or even feel his presence, but he is there.... he is in our hearts, in our memories, in our words, our thoughts, in the boys faces and their actions as well.... He will always be with us because he is so much a part of who we are...

And after days, weeks, months and years have passed, the toothbrush and the colognes will be gone, the few pieces of his clothes that I've hung on to because they still smell like him, will loose their scent and also be gone... but it's his memory and all the things that made him who he was and is will still remain. He will still be part of our conversations, the spark behind our laughter, the reason for our tears... with us, through us he will live on....
These are the thoughts that help me wipe my tears away and put a smile on my face...

Thanks again for lending an ear...

love...peace...and joy to you my friends

love..

I wasn't brave enough to post this here, so instead I shared my deep thoughts on facebook with family and friends a few days ago. Not that I haven't poured my heart out on these pages in the past, but somehow this felt too personal and intimate. However I realized that all you lovely blog friends who have been so supportive and have given me so much love and strength needed to hear this too, so I want to share these thoughts and this powerful message today about .....

LOVE...



ok... i admit i miss my husband like crazy... i feel lost without him...

perhaps an intimate photo..yes, one that i'm not sure i feel comfortable sharing here... BUT... i want you all to see my pain, i want you to feel it deep in the crevasses of your souls, because then and only then will you understand and embrace my message. this message that i want to scream at the top of my lungs, these words that i share with you today as my tears roll down my cheeks and as the pain in my heart cripples me...

PLEASE...DO NOT WASTE A MINUTE OF YOUR LIFE, OF YOUR LOVE, OF YOUR SEARCH FOR LOVE! DO NOT MISS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A KISS, OF AN EMBRACE, OF A FEW WORDS THAT COULD MEAN SO MUCH... DO NOT LET MOMENTS, DAYS AND YEARS GO BY WITHOUT LOVE...THOSE FORTUNATE TO HAVE IT...HANG ON TO IT, NURTURE IT, FEED IT, LET IT LINGER IN YOU MOUTH, YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL... THOSE IN SEARCH OF IT... DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE...

let this image and these words penetrate the depth of you hearts, don't forget them, let these be the reminder everyday that a life without love isn't much of a life...

what we had together was priceless... it was so deep...so solid...so real...and now that he's gone...all i have left is the LOVE and the memories... these memories that are my heaven and my hell, my pain and my relief, my joy and my sorrow...but they are real...they are mine...and they are all that's left of our love, and these memories are what give me the strength to live on, and be the solid pillar of love and hope for my boys...

think of these words today...live and love fully



love...peace...love...

month five... the holidays

Today marks the fifth month of being without our loving, happy guy. Needless to say... it has been an ongoing roller coaster of emotions and definitely a deep learning process... learning to let go, learning to let ourselves grieve, learning to close my eyes and picture his face with a wide smile, learning to comfort myself, my boys and other loved ones...even though there are no words that can actually comfort us...
The holidays are coming...and I'm not prepared or unprepared for that matter, I don't want to go into it stressing out because everyone keeps saying how hard it's going to be... well, it's hard everyday, and yes I know... it's the first year, it's only been five months and yes it will be hard, to be honest I don't think the years ahead will be any easier, especially on such occasions... But we'll manage as we have every day since...
I want to post our Christmas cards from the past seventeen years together, we did a photo every year, even last year with all that was going on... I still wanted to send out cards to spread joy to everyone who was still in shock of hearing the "bad" news... Each year these cards adorned many a mantels, and with each year we were happy to share with our family and friends, the family we were growing into... our little union that was prospering...
But... we will not have jolly words to write on cards this year, there will be no Christmas tree or wrapped presents stacked under it, no Christmas parties to attend or presents to buy, we won't hang lights around the house, no mistletoe anywhere to be seen. In stead we'll have the warmth and togetherness of family and friends who will help us through the days to come, with each memory we share we'll keep Gag in our hearts, he'll be with us in spirit this year and the years to come.... and that my friends is all we want and need for Christmas.

our first Christmas as husband and wife (1992)

Arman's first Christmas (1993)

our little hyper toddler (1994)

happily expecting our second child (1995)

Robert's first Christmas (1996)

they were inseparable those days (1997)

our little family growing (1998)

they loved to pose for pictures (1999)

Robert's winning smile (2000)

a very jolly picture (2001)

one big happy family (2002)

this was our best year in soccer (2003)

Mexico, (2004)

growing up (2005)

went to Armenia that year (2006)

boys entering teen hood (2007)

we used my graduation photo last year (2008)

Hope you enjoyed the photos... my heart feels joy as I look at them and at the same time the pain is overwhelming as well.... Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season surrounded by your loved ones.


love...peace...joy...

Gag's plan..

As most of you know Gagik wanted to be cremated and had specific instruction on what he wanted done with his ashes. Part of the ashes were buried so that family will have a grave site to visit, and the other half was to be scattered at specific locations. He wanted some to be taken to a little place we used to go in Baja Mexico where we've had some great times, some he wanted scattered on and along the 3rd green at his favorite golf course, and the rest taken to Armenia, his birthplace. I've decided to keep some of it for myself to be mixed with my ashes when my time comes, so that once again we may be reunited.

We are planning to take his ashes to Armenia next summer if all is well, the Mexico trip was planned over Thanksgiving weekend, but we had a close family friend who passed away that week and the trip was postponed. As far as the golf course.... it has been an ongoing planning effort over the past couple of months. Every time we tried to plan it, something always came up or schedule conflicts put it off, so after many failed attempts the date was finally set for yesterday... the reservations at the golf course were made, everyone that was involved were notified, Gag's ashes were ready to be freed from the container, golf clubs were cleaned and ready to go.... then everything went wrong... or did it??

I have a theory... now feel free to call me crazy, delusional even (I won't hold it against you guys)... but I can't find any other logical explanation for what happened...so hear me out. As my brother got to the golf course he had a couple of phone calls from the other guys that were going to join him, Gagik's sister's husband, and his cousin's husband were both unable to make it, and the other person with whom Gag always played golf with (his other cousins husband) was running late. Knowing my brother, I knew that he was probably upset that once again this plan was going to fall through... but he took a deep breath, put a smile on his face and decided to take the "Gag" approach and just relax, hit a bucket of balls at the driving range and let the day pan out as it will.... You see, I think Gag had it all planned for us, Nick finally showed up and the game finally got under way... And who were the only people that ended up on the golf course yesterday? The two golf buddies that Gagik always had next to him walking the course...

So, you see no matter how much we planned for this special day to go as we wanted... Gag had other plans, he wanted to walk the course just with his golf partners one last time... it was his wish and that's exactly how it happened.... You may call it coincidence, or just a series of events, but I kinda like my version of things better...

Here are some pictures taken by my brother, and according to him... it was a perfect day!

(the 3rd )

(Nick)

(Gag's resting place on the 3rd green)

love...peace...joy...

our biggest strength

I went to visit Gag's best friend the other day, who just happens to be married to my best friend of 28 years. Gag and I had nothing to do with this union, they somehow found each other and we were just thrilled at the fact that... not only had both our friends found happiness but that we actually liked their significant others and could hang out too... Anyways, sadly he is also very ill, not cancer but an Autoimmune disease that is incurable... He's been battling with it for years but, for the past three years or so the illness has progressed rapidly and now he's not doing so well either. It was hard seeing him, it's difficult for me to see any of our friends...every time I'm in our usual circle I feel Gag's absence even more, but I need to start getting back into it again, I miss our friends and spending time with them feels good.

So, as we sat down for lunch, we remembered the last time Gag and his friend sat around the table together and had a few good laughs. They were very close, spoke often and had their poker night every now and then. Gag's death has really effected him as well, he had a very tough time with it, but was thankful that he visited him as often as he could (in his condition) the last few months of Gag's life. I came home that night and wanted to find the blog post I did about that day we had food together, and in doing so... I spent a good couple of hours reading through my old posts....

Well... let me tell you it was tough to say the least... as I went through post after post it seemed so unreal... all that we went through...everything he endured through those months... All the memories came rushing back into my head and it was so overwhelming, I actually couldn't believe that we went through all that...believe it or not I had even forgotten some of those awful days. I was also surprised at all the positive things that we experienced during that horrid time, we actually had some very joyous days... such as the day Gag and Rob sat down and painted together, or the day I read all my blog posts to Gag, the few days that he was feeling good and we actually enjoyed with our friends and family, the conversations he had with his long lost friend Michael... so many wonderful days were had... it's amazing how much energy and love I felt after reading those posts...

As I sat there rewinding the images in my head, I realized that with the love we had for each other... we were able to really cherish those days, we didn't let cancer take over and destroy us, yes it took him in the end, but we never gave up or gave into its pain. We didn't shrivel up and crawl into a dark corner for the remainder of his days. Instead we really celebrated each day, we found joy in so many unexpected places, our long conversations in the chemo room, or the drive home, spending time together, looking through our old photos, reading together, laughing with the boys...so many happy memories were made even in the middle of that storm...

I am so grateful for all those moments, yes looking back at those times now does still cause pain, but just as I had forgotten some of the horrible moments... more and more of those moments will subside and what will be left in our hearts and minds are those beautiful moments we all had together during his last days on earth... I am also grateful that I documented all of it, and now I can flip through the "pages" of this corner of mine, and find comfort...

Writing about all that has happened, I think was a great help, it's apparent now that it really did get me through the most difficult of times in my life, I can't imagine going through all that without this, I think the impact of it all would have been so hard on me and I might not have been able to stay so strong... Thank you all for your continued love and warming thoughts, believe it or not you have made this bumpy road a bit smoother for me....

It's amazing isn't it! That even in our darkest moments, us humans can still find joy and share love... and that is our biggest strength.

love...peace...joy...

it's all too fresh..

We lost a very dear family friend this past week, and had to be strong, and support the family through these tough days. But being there at the wake and the funeral... just destroyed me...
It's all too fresh for me, and I can't seem to recover from it yet. I've cried harder the past few days than ever... I miss him more and more, and need him by my side ever more...

This path just seems to get harder and harder... I hope the pain inside doesn't win over the strength, I have no choice but to be strong, my boys need me and will need me more and more, I must stay strong... but it's just proving to be more challenging as time goes by...

I'm hoping...

I miss you my love... please help me by giving me strength to get through this storm...

giving thanks...

I guess this one day of the year is the day we reflect... we stop... to be thankful for all that is good in our lives. This one day when we gather with our loved ones, our friends and appreciate our lives, the people that make it a special life for us, we give thanks for the little things that make us smile inside....we give thanks for the roof over our head, for the love we share with the ones around us, for our health..... then we feast, get stuffed much like the turkey we just ate and the next day...we go on with our lives, slowly forgetting all those little things we gave thanks for, as we once again get overwhelmed with all the other little things that cause us to worry and stress over, and we slowly get back to the rush of life, zooming through our days...forgetting to even smile at times let alone be thankful.

I don't mean to sound so cynical on a joyous day like this, but let's face it... that is exactly what happens in life, we commemorate and celebrate holidays such as Thanksgiving, by counting our blessings and being thankful, and like Valentines Day by expressing our love to that special person in our lives.... Then we forget... we forget everything and get into the zombie mode till the next holiday slaps us on our face to be awake that day and enjoy the present. On this day of giving thanks... I want to pass on a message to all of you...

BE THANKFUL EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIVES, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS EACH MOMENT, EXPRESS YOUR LOVE ON EACH DAY BREAK, BE KIND AND GIVING ON ALL THE DAYS IN STEAD OF JUST CHRISTMAS, AND LAUGH WHOLE HEARTED WITH EACH JOYOUS MOMENT!

My husband was such a man...why wait till a day on the calendar instructs you to give thanks, or to say I love you or to be happy... why not be that way on all the days in our lives...however long or short.
So, today as any other day I give thanks for the gift that was given to me, his presence in my life, his love that to this day overflows my heart, for the countless happy moments that we had together, for my beautiful boys he left behind. I am thankful for having known and loved him, I am thankful for all that he taught me... for all the "I love yous", for all the hugs, for all the smiles, for all the walks, all the talks, each time he held my hand or asked me to smile...
I AM THANKFUL!
And not just today, or tomorrow, or the next day... but for all the days that lay ahead in my life..

Enjoy your family and friends today, enjoy the food and festivities, give your thanks and tomorrow.... don't forget all that you were thankful for... each day is a blessing, hold it dear to your heart, own up to it and be awake for each moment...

I leave you with my warmest wishes for today and some love from my heart..

love...peace...joy...

happily sad...

I've been getting out of my cave a little more lately, taking up on peoples invites...an art exhibit here, a dance recital there, out for drinks with my girlfriends... and have noticed something interesting that I'd like to share with you lovely folks, my good friends here in this cyber corner of mine...

As I'm out and about socializing once more, trying to find joy in things again, I've run into quite a few people that I haven't seen since those dreaded days following Gag's death. Most of them are very happy to see me getting out, to see me smiling and enjoying myself, and yet others seem to have this puzzled look on their faces.... Not to say that they don't want to see me happy, but I think they are just lost in wonder at how I'm even able to function after all that's happened let alone be out with people enjoying myself. And believe me it doesn't bother me that they think this way, nor does it deter me from smiling and finding the joy in things once again...

The truth of the matter is that I am by nature a happy person, always have been. In fact that was one of the things that my husband loved about me, he loved that he was married to a happy person, someone that found joy in the simple things and was able to laugh out loud with him. As you all know he too was a very happy guy and loved life and laughter, and often told me that my smiling face was what made him look forward to each day... so imagine if he was married to a grumpy, negative, nagging person... what a drag that would've been for him. Now, I wouldn't go as far as describing myself as having a bubbly personality.. I have plenty of days where I'm a bit of a cynic and wear my pessimists hat at times, but overall I'm happy. Sure I have a great deal of sadness inside, I have a broken heart that may never heal, my soul is crippled and the pain can be quite unbearable for me at times, but what helps me get through my days now ARE those glimpses of happy moments, the joy that I find each day in the little, simple things. It is my personality, I can not help but wake up each morning and yearn to find things that make me smile.... such as the faces of my boys sleeping in the morning light, a little "good morning" to Gag's photo by my bed... the smell of my coffee... just to name a few...

There are plenty of things in my life that can make me unhappy, bitter and an overall angry person, and ya... I can walk around complaining, crying, nagging all day long and at times I have to reach rally deep inside to find the strength to even get out of bed on some mornings... But how could any of these benefit any of us??? I've grown up in a happy, safe and loving home... with parents that taught us to find the good in everything and everyone, to be good to ourselves and to others as well, I had a wonderful marriage to an incredible person, although short lived but a very rich connection filled with an abundance of love and happiness... and now I want to carry on that tradition of joy in my home, I want my children to see me smile, to feel that love and joy that was present when dad was alive.... Why would I ever abandon that character of mine... only to become a sad... lonely...bitter person... I would never do that to my children, to my loved ones, to myself and most of all to Gagik.

So... it does come down to who we are and how we react to the things that life has in store for us... people always tell me they are amazed by my strength and how calmly I have handled all that has happened to us... but I don't know if it's all about being strong as much as being true to ones nature... like I said, I am by nature a happy person, I can't help but be this way... I don't know how else to be.... So for now I am a happily sad person... and that's just fine by me.

Be true to yourselves...


love...peace...joy...

my everything...

Four months ago today, at 8:38pm I lost my everything....

my husband
my best friend
my teacher
my lover
the father of my children
my partner in crime
my drinking buddy
my ocean breeze
my ray of sunshine
my voice of reason
my peace of mind
my soul mate
my pillow
my warm embrace
my goodnight kiss
my shoulder to cry on
my Saturday night date
my joy in life
my smile
my everything...

My name is Mari and I'm a recovering widow...

enjoy your loved ones fully...


love...peace...joy.....

looking for the light...

I heard Arman shaving this morning before school.....

My thoughts started whirling in my mind again... I remembered the day Gag showed him how to shave, he was ill already yet still had enough energy to teach him at least this one little step to manhood. And of course, all kinds of things started popping into my head, all the things that the boys still needed to learn from dad, all the wise words they are going to look for, all the times they will search for him as they reach moments in their lives that will require dad's advise..

I was overwhelmed by all the feelings that came over me once again, this tremendous fear took over, the helpless feeling of not being able to fill that void in their lives... I couldn't breath, it was so terrifying, so claustrophobic, my head was spinning from all that was going on up there. Will I be able to give them all that they will need, provide them with at least some of the answers to the questions they'll be faced with? Will I have the strength to be there every step of the way, to guide them, to help them choose the right path, to give them the right tools to grow into strong, confident men? There is no doubt in my mind that they have already learned so much from dad, and those lessons will always stay with them... but how many more lessons are left untaught?

This is when I really felt the need for Gag's presence, and this is what I miss the most about him always... our talks, we always talked through things, every obstacle, every hurdle, every tough situation was resolved by long talks and we both felt so much better in the end.. I needed him today more then ever, I needed his wisdom, his positive words that always made me see the light, his comforting voice telling me that all will be fine in the end... I needed to see him, to hear him... so I got in my car and drove out to the cemetery... where else to go to feel his presence???



Took some flowers, burned some essence, shared a cup of coffee and talked.. I did most of the talking... he didn't really have a lot to say, in fact he hasn't really been talking to me much... I'm still waiting... But, it felt good to tell him all my worries like old times, and perhaps it's the serenity of the place itself that always seems to calm me down somehow....



In the end.. the sun did peek through the clouds, as if to embrace me with it's warmth, and pat me on my shoulder to say that things will be ok, that we will come out of all this in tacked, and the light will appear again at the end of this dark tunnel. I walked away feeling a little better, much stronger that I felt in the morning, and even though all my worries are still there, the fear, the doubt, the pain are all still my constant companions, but a little less suffocating...

Another dark day turned a bit brighter, the heavy heart still lingers, it's hard shaking off an emotional morning, but with a few deep breaths I'll make it through the day, and always hope for a better start tomorrow.


love...peace...joy...

three months behind us...the rest of our lives ahead still..

What can I say... I just miss this smiling face so much...today marks three months.
Three very tough months... and not to say that the rest of our lives will be any easier, but the memories of this happy person make us laugh, and he still manages to fill our hearts with joy...
that's all I have to say today...


love...peace...joy...

breaking down....

Oh boy.... my dear blog friends, had a really low evening yesterday...so brace yourselves for a tough read...

Gag's best friend had surgery yesterday and I went to visit him in the hospital, and let me tell you... it was such a painful flash back moment for me. Same hospital, same parking lot where I've cried many a times sitting in my car, same hallways we've walked together...

As I got off the elevator, a couple were walking up and down the hall, the husband had just had surgery and was doing his recovery walk, the wife holding his hand tightly, walking slowly next to him for support.... it took me immediately to the days following Gag's open heart surgery and our walks down these halls. He was so determined to recover quickly and get on with life, every couple of hours he'd say..."let's go love, let's take a stroll". And we'd go around a couple of times, holding hands, talking, laughing.... Gag as usual joking around with the nurses, saying hello to neighbors in the other rooms, and the nurses thought we were so cute, strolling hand in hand as if we were in a beautiful park, walking along the paths enjoying the trees around us without a care in the world...

Let me tell you I just wanted to fall on the ground and weep... but of course I didn't, after all I was there to see a friend, to cheer him up, and comfort him by giving him some encouraging words, so once again I held it together and buried my pain, well... at least till I got to the parking lot and cried sitting in my car alone like I've done so many times before.

Had to compose myself, wipe the tears and put the smile back on, I went to pick up Arman from the soccer field, and boom... once again a flashback hit me, but it was like nothing I had experienced before. I parked the car, started walking towards the field, and there it was, right where Gag used to park his car was a dark blue Scion, with soccer gear in the back just like Gag's. And as naive and stupid humans as we are, for a split second I forgot everything and had a little joy moment of knowing I was going to see him.... but that's all it was, a very short millisecond of joy... then I woke up and realized what I was thinking and how unreal it felt. And that is when I lost it, right there under the lights, standing next to that car. everything came crushing down... and all this happened in front of Arman... which I hate to do...

But, I am only human... And there is only so much I can restrain. This is what happens when you swallow your pain time and time again, bury your sorrow deep under your skin and hold back all the tears that want to burst out. It all comes pouring out when you least expect it and where you didn't want it to happen. I know that it's ok for the boys to see me hurting and know that after all, we are in this reality and that yes, it is very hard for all of us, but I don't want to give them the pain of seeing me like that and the helplessness that they feel, knowing that there is nothing they can do to change the situation. Something no mother ever wishes for...

So, yes a very tough evening for us, it was possibly the worst weeping cry I have ever had, and I feel exhausted this morning, but we must carry on, hold it together and just keep breathing....

Realized this morning that... what a surprise.... it was Wednesday yesterday... wow!

Enjoy every moment of your lives...


love...peace...joy...

as requested... a few facts about Gag

A few posts ago, I had an anonymous reader request that I do a post about Gagik's character, about the things he felt strongly about, his motto in life, the words he lived by....

So today marks two month since he flew away, I though it would be a great opportunity to do this. I have talked a lot about him in my past posts, especially in the early days of blogging and the days that were the toughest for us. I also wrote a poem about him which pretty much sums up who he was as a person. So, lets see....

I'll start by saying that he was a very practical man with logic behind every decision he made in life (except the one about marrying me :) he was head over heals in love and we all know logic has no chance against love, but it was a wise decision... we both thought. He was a deep thinker, but didn't always engage in deep conversations. He loved being around friends and family, and enjoyed the simple things that life had to offer...be it a glass of vino with some good friends, or being around the BBQ grill with a nice cold shot of vodka, sharing a few good laughs... or a simple cup of coffee with me.

He expressed love freely, but never really smothered you with too much of it, he also never had any conflicts with anyone (everyone that knows him can vouch for that), this is not to say that he never disagreed at times, but knew when to push his point and when to let it go... which is something we should all strive for (hmmm perhaps that's why we never really had a fight, people can vouch for that too :).

He was a big family man and yet enjoyed his time with friends as well, which I encouraged (hey... men gotta do their guy things once in a while right), he felt the same when it came to me and my girlfriends, I think that's very healthy for a relationship. Being a dad was his greatest joy, because he grew up without a father, he was always determined to be the best at it... and he was. As a husband he was a very patient and loving man, never nit-picked at little things, hey I'm not perfect and I'm sure sometimes I did things that upset him, but once again like he always said..."never mind the little things", he always supported my decisions, we did run a business together for 17 years and quite successfully might I add. He wasn't a "romantic" person, the way society depicts romance to be, which is so far from reality, but he was always affectionate and his thinking on that was.... "if I'm going to be a jerk to you all year long and then get you a dozen red roses for Valentine's day, then that's not really love". And that's exactly how I feel about it, we were very loving all the time so there were no special occasions for us to "celebrate".

He was a man of his word and went out of his way for people who needed his help, and that wasn't just for friends and family, he had a great compassion for his fellow man. A calm life was all he would dream of, he was very easy going and tried to keep a harmonious relationship with everyone and for everyone. He was a firm believer of moderation in all aspects of his life, and tried to pass that message on to everyone whenever he could.

As a friend he was a great listener, which made him a terrific friend, he was always there when you needed him but, didn't bombard you with advise you didn't need, and never judged you, all excellent qualities in a friend (his closest friends can vouch for this too).

He believed in trial and error and letting kids explore their own possibilities and yet was a very cautious parent. He appreciated all the little blessings every day in his life, and gave a 110% to whatever he was involved in at any time...

Did this guy have no flaws you ask??? Well he was human and I'm sure he did... but I sure wasn't going to nit-pick at them, I guess the good outweighed the bad most of the time... oh wait I got one...
He loved to sleep in and not that this is a flaw... but me... a morning person... him a total night owl, you couldn't pay him enough to get up early, unless he had a golf game scheduled or was going fishing... of course he never ate the fish he caught, hated all sea food, and feta cheese, unbelievable considering he was half Greek huh?

The other thing everyone loved about him was his happy attitude in life, no matter how bad of a day he had, if you asked him how he was... his answer was always the same... "spectacular"... "terrific"... and he meant it too. The cutest part of his character, I loved... was when he was in a crowd he wasn't familiar with or uncomfortable in, he would always start cracking jokes and that is exactly why he was the life of any party, actually that's exactly how he reeled me in.... his sense of humor... he could make me laugh like no one has, so all you single guys out there, remember the ladies love a man that can make them laugh. He loved it when I laughed especially with a good chuckle.

As I've mentioned before...he wasn't big on words but showed his ideals in life with his actions.
His mother and sister were a very important part of his life, he always worried about them and tried to do the best he could to make them happy, after he lost his dad, at 10, he felt that he needed to protect them at all coast, which made him a very carrying person... I guess it's true... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, the tough times he went through made him who he was, I'm a true believer that we are all the product of our lives and experiences.

Well, I hope you all got to know Gag a little better now, and here is the thing, he was a great man, and is missed tremendously by all who knew him...I know how hard it has been to go on with our lives without this happy, smiling person, so all of our friends and family who read my blog, but rarely comment or if you do it's usually on my link on facebook.... today I want all of you guys out there to leave a few words here, and tell us your thoughts about him, I want my blog friends to hear what you have to say, so don't be shy and speak up, do it for Gag...

By the way... I always proofread my posts out loud...just in case he is listening , we all know how he loved when I read my blog to him....:)


love...peace...joy...

what a roller coaster.....

What a roller coaster of a weekend we had...

Talk about too many "highs" and "lows" all condensed into one weekend... Not that our days are not filled with a lot of these peeking emotions lately. On any given day I go from crying out loud to laughing out loud within minutes, or may be really sad one moment and singing to a song on the radio while tears roll down my cheeks the next...

But, for some reason I feel really exhausted from the emotional whirlwind of this weekend.

our shop

I started a renovation project at our shop, and the first stage went very smoothly and a lot was accomplished, but not without the ever constant flow of tears. Being there on a weekend, painting walls... tearing old things down to be replaced by the new ones.... just brought back so many memories of Gag, this is what we did over the years, on some weekends together. So, as happy and excited as I was for taking care of the things that have been needing some serious attention, I caught myself just staring at something we built together and realizing how much I miss him... then the tears would roll again....

Arman's first year playing

Then there was the first futball game of the season, and once again as much as I was filled with joy to see Arman out on the field, playing the game he loves, armed with his goalie gloves....it was still very painful being there, as this was something we used to do as a family... throughout the whole game I kept hearing Gag's voice giving directions to the boys, cheering them on, and joking around with the parents on the sidelines. It was an evening game, his favorite time of the day to play...as the sun was setting, he would say "this is the best light for pictures, get your camera ready love".... then the lights would come on and the game took on a whole different stage, playing under the lights was what he called a "real game". I kept thinking... finally the boys have gotten older and the game they play has taken on a more serious tone, not a bunch of six year olds chasing after the ball anymore... this is when he would've enjoyed it so much more...and he's not here to reap the fruits of his tree....

But the most emotional part of the weekend was when I took his mom to visit the grave site. She is ill, has been for most of her life, three open heart surgeries and a life of struggle raising two kids without her husband on her side, so being as weak and fragile, she wasn't present for any of the ceremonies and hadn't visited the cemetery till now, it would just be too painful for her. But, on Saturday morning I get a call from her at the shop, as I'm covered in paint... she told me that she wants to visit him, right then... so I dropped everything and took her to see her one and only son's tombstone. I shouldn't have to tell you what a difficult thing it was for her to be there and for me to witness it and not be able to give her any comfort, because no matter what you say to a mother who's lost a child... nothing can give her peace.

So, overall .... like I said a very emotional weekend, filled with high moments and very low moments, boy I tell you this grief business is quite exhausting and can drain you of all your energy. But, we still go on, still have to overcome each moment for Gag's sake, for the boys sake... for just keeping his memory alive and to make him proud of all the things that we achieve on a daily basis. We miss him, there is no doubt, the boys sleep by my side from time to time.... I don't think it's to comfort me or just because my bed is bigger and more comfortable, but because they miss dad, and sleeping on "his side" of the bed makes them feel a bit closer perhaps, they don't know how to express their grief and pain any other way...

So, another Monday... time to regroup and get to living... things to be done, to be seen, to be experienced... must... keep... going...


love...peace...joy....

getting harder....

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tough... it seems like just when we feel strong enough to stand again.... there is yet another milestone to cross. The vacation, as lovely as it was, still reminded us that he's missed tremendously. Then came our anniversary, which was a pretty tough day, we were flying back that day, and all through the flight I kept thinking....who would have though... 17 years ago we were dancing, enjoying that happy day together... and here we were, the boys and I flying back alone from a trip, having just lost him....

Then of course came his birthday just a few days later, and that only cut into the wounds deeper, reassuring us all that.... no doubt he is gone forever from our lives. Yes, he is in our hearts and has left many good memories to cherish....but he is no longer with us, we can no longer hold him or sit and talk to him.

The game on Sunday, once again as great of an event as it was to celebrate the achievements he's had and the many lives he's touched.... was again a reminder of the void that's left. To hear all the young players and the coaches talk about how he made a difference in that organization was a great honor for all of us and yet again cut into the wounds, making them ever more deeper and the pain even more horrendous.

So, as we try and move forward and try to heal these wounds, we will time and time again be reminded of this giant loss in our lives, and that only makes things harder to accept. How can we nurse these wounds and mend our broken hearts with the constant milestones that remind us of how great of a man he was and how tough the road ahead without him will be....

This path seems to get only harder and harder to walk....


As promised I will do a post about the game and what a great event it was, how wonderful of a time was had, how heart warming a words were said.... and how deep of a pain was felt by all.
But, for today... I had to let you all know how I was feeling and needed to get this out.

Once again thanks for lending me an ear and a shoulder to cry on with my constant flow of tears...


love...peace...

something special

Tomorrow at 4pm at the Glendale Sports Complex, where we've had many futball (soccer for all you yanks :) games headed by Coach Jerry, something special will take place.

Some 37 young boys have volunteered their time on this long weekend to play a friendly game to honer their coach. All of these boys have at one point or another been coached by Gagik. The soccer organization and some of the coaches who have worked with him have put this together, I'm so touched by this event.

It will be a difficult day for all of us, as I step on that field, all the memories of past games will come into mind, the way he would pace back and fourth on the side lines yelling out instructions, and the post game "high fives" between the boys and him.... Arman will be participating in this game as well, and I'm sure it will be an emotional game for him too, but I know he will play with his heart for dad.

I will be without my camera tomorrow (I've left my battery charger in Mexico, so till they ship it back to me... I'm stuck with no toy), this may be a good thing.. I love the game with a passion and I'll be sitting on my chair, just enjoying this special game tomorrow. Watching the little faces that have grown into young teen boys, playing the game that coach has given so many pointers on.... I know he's touched their lives in so many ways in the past years, and tomorrow their young heart will touch our lives forever. I'm so grateful for that.

The following weekend will mark the beginning of the new season, it will be the first in eleven years which we will not take part in. We loved this time of the year, a game every Saturday, which meant a late Friday night for the coach. I can just see him now, sitting in the balcony, going over line-up card and game plan, rearranging the players over and over again. He loved this game, and he loved coaching, I can honestly say it was one of his greatest passions in life. He'll be enjoying the game tomorrow as well, except he will probably have the best seat in the house.

I'll post the details of the game and the images on my mind from tomorrow.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend...

love...peace...joy...

Happy 49th Gagik

Today is his birthday, and interestingly enough it fell on a Wednesday this year (you all know how I feel about Wednesdays...) so a tough day ahead.. and an even tougher night behind me.

I didn't get much sleep last night, just too much pain and tears. I tried very hard to remember the great moments we've shared together and the many happy occasions we've enjoyed.... but the only images that haunted me all night as my tears soaked into the pillow, were of his last days. The pain he endured, the falls he took, the fear in his eyes, the horror he must have felt knowing the end is so near.

I've tried, in the past month or so, not to think of those days as they give me so much pain, so it looks like they all came to me at once... I guess I had to face them someday. As I look back now and think about those moments, it hurts so much.... all I can think of is how terrifying it must have been for him... to feel yourself deteriorate like that... to know that you're leaving this world and everyone you love behind.... And he never once talked about it, or even showed what he was feeling inside.... and all that was done for us. As I've said before, I always tried to be strong for him and he was always protecting me and the boys,and everyone else around him, so that we don't feel the hell that he was in. So much strength... can a person really be that strong?

The memory of his last gaze is imprinted in my mind forever.... I can never forget that moment we shared just a few hours before he flew away. He wasn't awake too much the last few days, and when we moved him that day he opened his eyes (I'm so glad I was next to him that very moment), I got very close and looked right into his eyes, they looked dazed and distant...but I knew he could see and hear me and I spoke to him from my heart as he gazed deeply into my eyes... I knew that he was happy to see my smiling face one last time, I made sure that this would be the last image on his mind and not of my crying, sad eyes. I'm happy to have been able to give him that and happy to have had the chance to say my last loving words to him. And then he was gone....

I spoke to his mom last night, and the images that played in her mind all day yesterday were of the day she gave birth to him... the hours of labor... the happy moments after birth, the excitement of his dad knowing he just had a son. For a mother it's an entirely different kind of pain... the years you spent nurturing that child, the years of bringing him up through difficult times, to see him grow into a great man and to endure the pain of his death before yours.... that is unimaginable....

I guess she was there during his entrance into this world... and I was there for his exit...

I had planned to share some happy stories with you all on this day.... but this is what I'm feeling today....

Happy Birthday my love, we miss you ever more today than any other day...


love...peace...joy....

a kiss to build a dream on...

Today is the 29th of August.... it would have been our 17th wedding anniversary....

We danced to this lovely song on our wedding, it was our first dance as a married couple, and as we swayed to the tune, and the crowd disappeared... we talked about the beautiful life we were starting... and the dreams that we had.... we were so happy....
And we did.... live some of those dreams together... shared a beautiful life for 17 years...and as much as my heart aches now.... I feel so fortunate for having had him in my life... the love we have.... is timeless.

The words to this song have an entirely new meaning for me now... because you see... he did...he gave me one last "kiss before he left me... and my imagination will feed my hungry heart".....

Enjoy the song.... Louis is brilliant....


love...

combating pain...

This morning was tough, the tears started at night and just wouldn't stop... perhaps I needed to cry me a river.... it just drained me so much.... and the pain didn't get any better in the morning either... so I needed a project, something that involved happy memories of Gag and me keeping busy....



And that's just what I did... framed some of his work, devoted a wall and hung them up.... right where we can see them every day. I'm glad the boys have some friends over today and are busy in their own way, but Arman noticed my puffy eyes and gave me the most comforting and gentle hug....took the pain away a bit. I'm so fortunate to have the boys... thank you Gagik for leaving some beautiful angels behind to look out for me.

So a bit of advise from this hurting soul to you.... make not only every day count... but embrace each moment and create a memory worth cherishing. That's all I have for you guys today.

love... peace... joy...