Wednesday, December 2, 2009

our biggest strength

I went to visit Gag's best friend the other day, who just happens to be married to my best friend of 28 years. Gag and I had nothing to do with this union, they somehow found each other and we were just thrilled at the fact that... not only had both our friends found happiness but that we actually liked their significant others and could hang out too... Anyways, sadly he is also very ill, not cancer but an Autoimmune disease that is incurable... He's been battling with it for years but, for the past three years or so the illness has progressed rapidly and now he's not doing so well either. It was hard seeing him, it's difficult for me to see any of our friends...every time I'm in our usual circle I feel Gag's absence even more, but I need to start getting back into it again, I miss our friends and spending time with them feels good.

So, as we sat down for lunch, we remembered the last time Gag and his friend sat around the table together and had a few good laughs. They were very close, spoke often and had their poker night every now and then. Gag's death has really effected him as well, he had a very tough time with it, but was thankful that he visited him as often as he could (in his condition) the last few months of Gag's life. I came home that night and wanted to find the blog post I did about that day we had food together, and in doing so... I spent a good couple of hours reading through my old posts....

Well... let me tell you it was tough to say the least... as I went through post after post it seemed so unreal... all that we went through...everything he endured through those months... All the memories came rushing back into my head and it was so overwhelming, I actually couldn't believe that we went through all that...believe it or not I had even forgotten some of those awful days. I was also surprised at all the positive things that we experienced during that horrid time, we actually had some very joyous days... such as the day Gag and Rob sat down and painted together, or the day I read all my blog posts to Gag, the few days that he was feeling good and we actually enjoyed with our friends and family, the conversations he had with his long lost friend Michael... so many wonderful days were had... it's amazing how much energy and love I felt after reading those posts...

As I sat there rewinding the images in my head, I realized that with the love we had for each other... we were able to really cherish those days, we didn't let cancer take over and destroy us, yes it took him in the end, but we never gave up or gave into its pain. We didn't shrivel up and crawl into a dark corner for the remainder of his days. Instead we really celebrated each day, we found joy in so many unexpected places, our long conversations in the chemo room, or the drive home, spending time together, looking through our old photos, reading together, laughing with the many happy memories were made even in the middle of that storm...

I am so grateful for all those moments, yes looking back at those times now does still cause pain, but just as I had forgotten some of the horrible moments... more and more of those moments will subside and what will be left in our hearts and minds are those beautiful moments we all had together during his last days on earth... I am also grateful that I documented all of it, and now I can flip through the "pages" of this corner of mine, and find comfort...

Writing about all that has happened, I think was a great help, it's apparent now that it really did get me through the most difficult of times in my life, I can't imagine going through all that without this, I think the impact of it all would have been so hard on me and I might not have been able to stay so strong... Thank you all for your continued love and warming thoughts, believe it or not you have made this bumpy road a bit smoother for me....

It's amazing isn't it! That even in our darkest moments, us humans can still find joy and share love... and that is our biggest strength.


  1. Beautiful post. It's really something that you have conquered enough of the pain of you loss to go back and revisit it. Yes, there definitely is much beauty and love in the moments you captured and I'm sure being close with those memories also made you feel close to Gag.

    Sending love from Casa Hice!

  2. How beautiful to allow these memories to surround you.
    You and Gag bring so much love into our lives.

  3. "It's amazing isn't it! That even in our darkest moments, us humans can still find joy and share love... and that is our biggest strength." ... when I saw that on FB I wondered and there it is again.

    I am so thankful for this post from you as I needed something to light the day after a week for me that has been so bleak. It is like the two sides of a thundercloud in the middle of the afternoon sky. The side looking down is dark and ominous yet if we had the power ... the strength to climb to the other side of the cloud we will see the lightness illuminated with sunlight from the heavens above. What gives us the strength to climb to the top of that thundercloud in our life? What can fight the darkness that threatens to envelope us some times.

    Darkness can be held away with joy, laughter and love ... thank you once again for this wonderful posting. I am glad to that you blessed us with this journey and look forward to what comes next.

    Peace my friend.

  4. Beautifully written. I remember reading that you have always been a happy person. I think you've known the keys to joy for awhile! It's obvious that you have a loving, giving spirit. I am grateful to have found your beautiful words, photographs, and yes the love that you and Gag share. Blessings.

  5. And this my friend is why we blog, our mind can't keep track of every moment so it's nice to go back and see what we were feeling and thinking at any given time.
    It's a little treasure online.... xxxx

  6. This is so beautiful. You have such grace and strength Mari xx

  7. congratulations on going out with your friends even tho you knew it would be difficult. I always told my hubby that if he left me I'd have to move because I couldn't do the things we always did together without him. Wait, that doesn't make sense. I just mean that little things like going to the grocery store would be so hard, or running into mutual friends when not prepared. I know Gag didn't "leave you" but I guess in a way he did.
    I'm rambling and I don't think I'm saying what I mean, but I hope you get the meaning. Spud said it well: you have such grace and strength and you're an inspiration.

  8. yes, it is something... thank you for your eloquent post. besos dear marni.

  9. im happy for you that you are close to gag's friends so that you can remember him together.

  10. Thank you, Mari, for your always beautiful words. It's so nice to be reminded of the beautiful people and moments in our lives when sometimes they're so hard to see. xoxo

  11. Marin, you really *have* embraced every moment and made the most of it, and you're right, every moment with Gag was full of that. You are an inspiration to how to live even in the face of a disease, and still to celebrate life and enjoy it. Really be there with the pictures, and going down memory lane with him, and being so present. Love you,