month five... the holidays

Today marks the fifth month of being without our loving, happy guy. Needless to say... it has been an ongoing roller coaster of emotions and definitely a deep learning process... learning to let go, learning to let ourselves grieve, learning to close my eyes and picture his face with a wide smile, learning to comfort myself, my boys and other loved ones...even though there are no words that can actually comfort us...
The holidays are coming...and I'm not prepared or unprepared for that matter, I don't want to go into it stressing out because everyone keeps saying how hard it's going to be... well, it's hard everyday, and yes I know... it's the first year, it's only been five months and yes it will be hard, to be honest I don't think the years ahead will be any easier, especially on such occasions... But we'll manage as we have every day since...
I want to post our Christmas cards from the past seventeen years together, we did a photo every year, even last year with all that was going on... I still wanted to send out cards to spread joy to everyone who was still in shock of hearing the "bad" news... Each year these cards adorned many a mantels, and with each year we were happy to share with our family and friends, the family we were growing into... our little union that was prospering...
But... we will not have jolly words to write on cards this year, there will be no Christmas tree or wrapped presents stacked under it, no Christmas parties to attend or presents to buy, we won't hang lights around the house, no mistletoe anywhere to be seen. In stead we'll have the warmth and togetherness of family and friends who will help us through the days to come, with each memory we share we'll keep Gag in our hearts, he'll be with us in spirit this year and the years to come.... and that my friends is all we want and need for Christmas.

our first Christmas as husband and wife (1992)

Arman's first Christmas (1993)

our little hyper toddler (1994)

happily expecting our second child (1995)

Robert's first Christmas (1996)

they were inseparable those days (1997)

our little family growing (1998)

they loved to pose for pictures (1999)

Robert's winning smile (2000)

a very jolly picture (2001)

one big happy family (2002)

this was our best year in soccer (2003)

Mexico, (2004)

growing up (2005)

went to Armenia that year (2006)

boys entering teen hood (2007)

we used my graduation photo last year (2008)

Hope you enjoyed the photos... my heart feels joy as I look at them and at the same time the pain is overwhelming as well.... Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season surrounded by your loved ones.


love...peace...joy...