Tuesday, December 15, 2009

month five... the holidays

Today marks the fifth month of being without our loving, happy guy. Needless to say... it has been an ongoing roller coaster of emotions and definitely a deep learning process... learning to let go, learning to let ourselves grieve, learning to close my eyes and picture his face with a wide smile, learning to comfort myself, my boys and other loved ones...even though there are no words that can actually comfort us...
The holidays are coming...and I'm not prepared or unprepared for that matter, I don't want to go into it stressing out because everyone keeps saying how hard it's going to be... well, it's hard everyday, and yes I know... it's the first year, it's only been five months and yes it will be hard, to be honest I don't think the years ahead will be any easier, especially on such occasions... But we'll manage as we have every day since...
I want to post our Christmas cards from the past seventeen years together, we did a photo every year, even last year with all that was going on... I still wanted to send out cards to spread joy to everyone who was still in shock of hearing the "bad" news... Each year these cards adorned many a mantels, and with each year we were happy to share with our family and friends, the family we were growing into... our little union that was prospering...
But... we will not have jolly words to write on cards this year, there will be no Christmas tree or wrapped presents stacked under it, no Christmas parties to attend or presents to buy, we won't hang lights around the house, no mistletoe anywhere to be seen. In stead we'll have the warmth and togetherness of family and friends who will help us through the days to come, with each memory we share we'll keep Gag in our hearts, he'll be with us in spirit this year and the years to come.... and that my friends is all we want and need for Christmas.

our first Christmas as husband and wife (1992)

Arman's first Christmas (1993)

our little hyper toddler (1994)

happily expecting our second child (1995)

Robert's first Christmas (1996)

they were inseparable those days (1997)

our little family growing (1998)

they loved to pose for pictures (1999)

Robert's winning smile (2000)

a very jolly picture (2001)

one big happy family (2002)

this was our best year in soccer (2003)

Mexico, (2004)

growing up (2005)

went to Armenia that year (2006)

boys entering teen hood (2007)

we used my graduation photo last year (2008)

Hope you enjoyed the photos... my heart feels joy as I look at them and at the same time the pain is overwhelming as well.... Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season surrounded by your loved ones.



  1. What beautiful memories. What a beautiful family.

    My heart is with you. Trying to "celebrate" through grief is nigh on impossible. Therefore "celebrate" becomes something different and it is really a celebration of life...lives lived, lives lost, lives changed.

    I have been there and I empathize with you so very much. I wish you and your sons and extended family peace this season. ♥

  2. I loved watching your family grow and change through the years. How fabulous that you have this record. You are all beautiful. The santa hat photo is my favorite. I pray that the love you have for each other will shine even stronger this Christmas. Blessings.

  3. Oh Mar i'm crying so much i can't even see the computer screen. I knew you were going to do this, but reading your post and seeing all the pics just shredded my heart into pieces. You still are a beautiful family, Gag has left such a strong and beautiful mark on all of you that he is still living through all of you and that bond will always be felt. I love you.

  4. Life is just not fair!
    Just remember the boys are hanging from your shoulders, don't let them down! ...raise your shoulders high and be proud for being wife to a man who has filled your heart with so much love that will warm you any cold day.

  5. How wonderful to see them all in a row like that. Good memories. Hang on to them. A. xxx

  6. Beautiful photos to treasure forever. Life isn't fair but you are so strong and I know you can get through this season with the love of your large family. In this blogging world you have touched many people with the love you had for your husband.

  7. This was a beautiful post and brought tears to my eyes. I really hope I get to see you this Holiday, just for a hug and a talk.

  8. oh what a beautiful group of bery special photos...you are brave...each "first" without your special person is so diffficult!

  9. What a wonderful legacy of growth in those photos. Not only do we see the boys growing up, we see you and Gag growing closer, growing in love and light.

    The world changes. People change. Circumstances change. But the love you share will remain forever in the hearts of each one of you who loved him so...and who were so loved in return.

    Love...will keep you together.

  10. beautiful happy pictures. thank you for letting us into your lives.

  11. Oh I really really enjoyed these photos, watching your family grow. Thank you for sharing, it must be such a hard hard time for you right now. x

  12. Mari, these are such beautiful photos!
    Do you keep memory books?