month five... the holidays

Today marks the fifth month of being without our loving, happy guy. Needless to say... it has been an ongoing roller coaster of emotions and definitely a deep learning process... learning to let go, learning to let ourselves grieve, learning to close my eyes and picture his face with a wide smile, learning to comfort myself, my boys and other loved ones...even though there are no words that can actually comfort us...
The holidays are coming...and I'm not prepared or unprepared for that matter, I don't want to go into it stressing out because everyone keeps saying how hard it's going to be... well, it's hard everyday, and yes I know... it's the first year, it's only been five months and yes it will be hard, to be honest I don't think the years ahead will be any easier, especially on such occasions... But we'll manage as we have every day since...
I want to post our Christmas cards from the past seventeen years together, we did a photo every year, even last year with all that was going on... I still wanted to send out cards to spread joy to everyone who was still in shock of hearing the "bad" news... Each year these cards adorned many a mantels, and with each year we were happy to share with our family and friends, the family we were growing into... our little union that was prospering...
But... we will not have jolly words to write on cards this year, there will be no Christmas tree or wrapped presents stacked under it, no Christmas parties to attend or presents to buy, we won't hang lights around the house, no mistletoe anywhere to be seen. In stead we'll have the warmth and togetherness of family and friends who will help us through the days to come, with each memory we share we'll keep Gag in our hearts, he'll be with us in spirit this year and the years to come.... and that my friends is all we want and need for Christmas.

our first Christmas as husband and wife (1992)

Arman's first Christmas (1993)

our little hyper toddler (1994)

happily expecting our second child (1995)

Robert's first Christmas (1996)

they were inseparable those days (1997)

our little family growing (1998)

they loved to pose for pictures (1999)

Robert's winning smile (2000)

a very jolly picture (2001)

one big happy family (2002)

this was our best year in soccer (2003)

Mexico, (2004)

growing up (2005)

went to Armenia that year (2006)

boys entering teen hood (2007)

we used my graduation photo last year (2008)

Hope you enjoyed the photos... my heart feels joy as I look at them and at the same time the pain is overwhelming as well.... Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season surrounded by your loved ones.


love...peace...joy...

connections...

My mom and I had a lovely morning yesterday visiting with some old friends. Now, I've talked about friendship here before and how important it is to have deep connections with people, how having and hanging on to those connections enrich our lives, and warm the corners of our hearts in a special way...
I believe that "soul mate" doesn't just apply to the love of our lives, to that one special person we find to spend the rest of our lives with, our partners in life... I believe that we can also find soul mates in our friends as well, people who are very dear to us, people who find that path to our soul, and make it to the depth of our hearts and that bond can never be broken.

I grew up with Hilma, we were neighbors back home, our families shared many happy and sad days together, made it through tough times and endured hardship through togetherness and laughter. And when you've been through so much together, be it good times or bad...that bond is so deep that it becomes a part of your life, your very essence and ultimately a part of your soul. Through that very connection your character is molded into who you become later in life. After we moved to the United States we stayed in touch, but the separation was still there, and even though they moved here a few years later we were still separated, not by distance but by the different paths our lives took us. However, when you do have that special bond, no matter how many years or miles you've missed... you are still very much a part of each others lives. You think of one another often, you remember all the experiences you've had together, and when you once again are face to face.... it's as though you didn't miss a thing.

These are the kind of friendships that stand the test of time, of distance and remain strong forever. These are the kind of friends that you can still call on when you need something...anything, and you feel safe in knowing that they will always be there for you no matter what, as you would be there for them. I feel very fortunate to have made such connections in life and cherish each memory, every walk down memory lane warms my heart.
These connections are very important and essential in being human, it's what makes us who we are and ultimately how we choose to live our lives.

So cherish those deep connections, feed them, nurture them and hang on to them...for a life without them is a sad and lonely existence...

I love you Hilma and appreciate all that I've had with you and your beautiful family.

Love...Peace...Joy...

happily sad...

I've been getting out of my cave a little more lately, taking up on peoples invites...an art exhibit here, a dance recital there, out for drinks with my girlfriends... and have noticed something interesting that I'd like to share with you lovely folks, my good friends here in this cyber corner of mine...

As I'm out and about socializing once more, trying to find joy in things again, I've run into quite a few people that I haven't seen since those dreaded days following Gag's death. Most of them are very happy to see me getting out, to see me smiling and enjoying myself, and yet others seem to have this puzzled look on their faces.... Not to say that they don't want to see me happy, but I think they are just lost in wonder at how I'm even able to function after all that's happened let alone be out with people enjoying myself. And believe me it doesn't bother me that they think this way, nor does it deter me from smiling and finding the joy in things once again...

The truth of the matter is that I am by nature a happy person, always have been. In fact that was one of the things that my husband loved about me, he loved that he was married to a happy person, someone that found joy in the simple things and was able to laugh out loud with him. As you all know he too was a very happy guy and loved life and laughter, and often told me that my smiling face was what made him look forward to each day... so imagine if he was married to a grumpy, negative, nagging person... what a drag that would've been for him. Now, I wouldn't go as far as describing myself as having a bubbly personality.. I have plenty of days where I'm a bit of a cynic and wear my pessimists hat at times, but overall I'm happy. Sure I have a great deal of sadness inside, I have a broken heart that may never heal, my soul is crippled and the pain can be quite unbearable for me at times, but what helps me get through my days now ARE those glimpses of happy moments, the joy that I find each day in the little, simple things. It is my personality, I can not help but wake up each morning and yearn to find things that make me smile.... such as the faces of my boys sleeping in the morning light, a little "good morning" to Gag's photo by my bed... the smell of my coffee... just to name a few...

There are plenty of things in my life that can make me unhappy, bitter and an overall angry person, and ya... I can walk around complaining, crying, nagging all day long and at times I have to reach rally deep inside to find the strength to even get out of bed on some mornings... But how could any of these benefit any of us??? I've grown up in a happy, safe and loving home... with parents that taught us to find the good in everything and everyone, to be good to ourselves and to others as well, I had a wonderful marriage to an incredible person, although short lived but a very rich connection filled with an abundance of love and happiness... and now I want to carry on that tradition of joy in my home, I want my children to see me smile, to feel that love and joy that was present when dad was alive.... Why would I ever abandon that character of mine... only to become a sad... lonely...bitter person... I would never do that to my children, to my loved ones, to myself and most of all to Gagik.

So... it does come down to who we are and how we react to the things that life has in store for us... people always tell me they are amazed by my strength and how calmly I have handled all that has happened to us... but I don't know if it's all about being strong as much as being true to ones nature... like I said, I am by nature a happy person, I can't help but be this way... I don't know how else to be.... So for now I am a happily sad person... and that's just fine by me.

Be true to yourselves...


love...peace...joy...

16 years ago today...

There is the little man at 4 weeks, he brought so much happiness into our home upon his arrival 16 years ago... that truly was a joyous day for all of us. First child for us and first grandchild to grandparents on both sides of the family, not to mention first nephew to both to my brother and Gag's sister, and the first one in our circle of friends. So, you think he was loved???




And now here he is... all grown up, shaving and all.. He has a great personality, and a very caring heart. There are times his reactions to things are so much like Gag, it's scary.. He's a good boy, and no doubt will grow up to be a great man.

As difficult as the road ahead seems at times... I think there are many happy days ahead still and I'm looking forward to it all... to life. My boys really do keep me going, and I "dig that" as my friend Christina would say.

Happy 16th Arman!


love...peace...joy...

love from the bogoshere...

My lovely blog friend Christina over at Soul Aperture sent me this photo today...
Her husband participated in the cancer run in Milwaukee on a September day, and among the names of all their friends who have been effected by this horrid disease, was Gag's name too.... made me teary looking at it.




Thank you Christina and husband for thinking of him and thank you for the photo, you truly are a very special person. To think we don't even "know" each other, we met here in the cyber world, between blog posts and sharing stories, admiring our pictures and finding comfort in our words. Yet it would seem we have connected on a much deeper level...

There is much love here in the blogosphere, no doubt about it.



love...peace...joy...

something special

Tomorrow at 4pm at the Glendale Sports Complex, where we've had many futball (soccer for all you yanks :) games headed by Coach Jerry, something special will take place.

Some 37 young boys have volunteered their time on this long weekend to play a friendly game to honer their coach. All of these boys have at one point or another been coached by Gagik. The soccer organization and some of the coaches who have worked with him have put this together, I'm so touched by this event.

It will be a difficult day for all of us, as I step on that field, all the memories of past games will come into mind, the way he would pace back and fourth on the side lines yelling out instructions, and the post game "high fives" between the boys and him.... Arman will be participating in this game as well, and I'm sure it will be an emotional game for him too, but I know he will play with his heart for dad.

I will be without my camera tomorrow (I've left my battery charger in Mexico, so till they ship it back to me... I'm stuck with no toy), this may be a good thing.. I love the game with a passion and I'll be sitting on my chair, just enjoying this special game tomorrow. Watching the little faces that have grown into young teen boys, playing the game that coach has given so many pointers on.... I know he's touched their lives in so many ways in the past years, and tomorrow their young heart will touch our lives forever. I'm so grateful for that.

The following weekend will mark the beginning of the new season, it will be the first in eleven years which we will not take part in. We loved this time of the year, a game every Saturday, which meant a late Friday night for the coach. I can just see him now, sitting in the balcony, going over line-up card and game plan, rearranging the players over and over again. He loved this game, and he loved coaching, I can honestly say it was one of his greatest passions in life. He'll be enjoying the game tomorrow as well, except he will probably have the best seat in the house.

I'll post the details of the game and the images on my mind from tomorrow.


Enjoy the rest of your weekend...

love...peace...joy...

a kiss to build a dream on...

Today is the 29th of August.... it would have been our 17th wedding anniversary....

We danced to this lovely song on our wedding, it was our first dance as a married couple, and as we swayed to the tune, and the crowd disappeared... we talked about the beautiful life we were starting... and the dreams that we had.... we were so happy....
And we did.... live some of those dreams together... shared a beautiful life for 17 years...and as much as my heart aches now.... I feel so fortunate for having had him in my life... the love we have.... is timeless.

The words to this song have an entirely new meaning for me now... because you see... he did...he gave me one last "kiss before he left me... and my imagination will feed my hungry heart".....

Enjoy the song.... Louis is brilliant....


love...

evidence of life

I decided to make some cupcakes today, for a beautiful young lady. The smell that filled the house was the first evidence of life in a long time, for those of you who know me personally know how much I love to bake, so it was the first time I felt really calm inside. A lot of love went into these lovely treats and it will bring a smile to her face.... that also makes me happy.



Kristine flew all the way from Greece to celebrate her sweet sixteenth birthday with all her cousins, but unfortunately there will not be a big party held for her, none of us feel like celebrating for obvious reasons. So I wanted to do something special for her....



So, with these colorful little delights in hand I'm heading out the door to visit her, I'm hoping that she will enjoy eating these as much as I enjoyed making them. And I hope that today we can at least give her some happy memories to take with her from this trip. Happy birthday dear Kristine!

signing off today with a smile in my heart and on my face...

love...peace...joy...

the madness that is the internet...

Oh boy where to begin....?? You all know how much my blog has helped me through this tough time in our lives... I've mentioned it in a few posts. I found a little corner for myself to pour my heart out, say so many things that I would not have been able to express if given the "face to face" scenario, my keyboard and I have spent many hours crying together.. laughing together and I've become very attached to this little home of mine in the cyber world. Not to mention the support that I have gotten from all my readers... your comments have helped me through some very difficult moments, and even the silent readers (I know there are many of you out there) have been a bit of a comfort for me. I have found some new friends here and can see myself living in this corner for many years to come.

Then a couple of months ago, as convinced (no nagged) by some friends... I got on facebook as well... and the rest is history. Wow let's talk about facebook shall we? Or as my 13 year old likes to refer to it as the "old farts my-space"... OLD FARTS???? When did this happen??? Now we are referred to as old farts??? Anyways... here is another little corner... a sort of a piazza if you will... a gathering place for friends past and present. I was skeptical at first, I thought who has time for that??? But I will be first to admit... I actually like that little cyber cafe, I've reconnected with so many old friends that have drifted away... a few friends who live in other countries whom I haven't seen for years, and other than the annual x-mas cards had no contact with before.
You can share pictures with, talk to each other, chat on line (I know whatever happened to just picking up the phone right?)... but with life getting so busy nowadays, people have less and less time for face to face gatherings with most of our friends.... this is bad, really bad of course, but hey at least this way you still stay connected.

But... and this is a big BUT.... it can get really mad... between e-mails, blogging, and facebook... there is no time for real life.... yikes that's not good. It's actually quite addicting... you keep wanting to log on and see if there are any new comments... anyone post some new photos of a family vacation or who has something interesting happening in their lives that we absolutely NEED to know about..... WOW it is madness....

But as I find myself a bit of a hermit at the moment, a bit unsociable really... it is a good place for me... for now.



So... perhaps I should go easy on the boys... and shut up about how much time they spend on their games and the computer, now I see why they can't control themselves.... We're the adults and can't seem to stay off the damn computer, so how can we expect it from them?? Well summer is almost over anyways... back to the grind of school :).
By the way if you look really close at the middle picture of Rob's hands, you may get a glimpse of crayon left under his finger nails... this is exactly why he never wants to cut his nails... how will he carve his little art??? (this was totally unrelated to the story, but just had to point it out).

So, I guess this internet thing is possibly a "good" thing... just as long as we don't replace it completely with the real world....

Enjoy your day in cyber city.... and if you have an interesting story to share about your computer world.... do tell.... so I can log on later and find something to read about.... ;)

love...peace...joy...

a magical moment...

Woke up 5:45 this morning to a bright, big, smiling moon starring at me outside my window, (wish I could capture the image better...) my whole bedroom was illuminated as if it was the stage under a spotlight waiting for the star to arrive. Needless to say, I got up and reached for my camera, only to find a full CF card flashing in the dark at my face, sat there and went through some old pictures and deleted a few.... I just had to get a shot of that image. I feel however that perhaps it's time for a new camera... my Canon 10D has been a loyal companion for quite a few years and has had it's share of falls and scratches but, seems to buckle under pressure lately...

Immediately after I took the shot of the moon, I went straight to the living room as I new the sun would be coming up soon, and I know this has happened on many occasions where the moon is up high and the sun is peaking out, but it felt like a magical moment for me, and I wanted to capture it not only in my mind but on "film" as well... So, I waited, and waited... for the first glimpse of the sun from behind the tall trees in my view... sitting wrapped in a blanket, out on the balcony... waiting... and waiting. So I took a shot anyways, as I realized that I really wanted to go back to bed and didn't think I could wait any longer, and I'm glad I did... because I fell asleep, sitting out there (must have been the fresh air), and awoke only when the sun was pretty high up and didn't have the same effect for a picture.... But still a magical moment...(thanks Gag).

Wanted to share with you all...

love...peace...joy...

grooming 101..

Girls.... learn how to shave your man!

I hope you'll never have to do it for reasons I am....but you never know when it might come in handy...

With all that I have to do to care for Gag.... some more challenging than others....

For some reason this is what I've had the most trouble with..... ( how strange????)


It's amazing that we still find things in this terrible daily battle to laugh about... and boy was it funny.... had a good chuckle... both of us... wish there was a hidden camera somewhere..... "funniest video of the year" award...

thanks for laughing with us today...
love and peace with a bit of a smile :)

love on canvas....

the arteeeest at work......

his choice of fruit...
the end product.... not bad for my little artists first try huh.....
a closer look reveals nice lines.....
Gag's finished painting... his hands were so shaky...but he was determined to finish it....
and hey.... I dabbled a bit too.... don't laugh!... I've never painted before... let alone create on a canvas with oils.... :)

The important thing is that Rob enjoyed it and he wants to paint another one.... yayyyy..... success!!!

love and peace...

Udate

Time again..for another update on husband's condition.

I'll start by saying that there is not one day or even a moment that is like another....take yesterday... other than the two to three hours of pure joy we had painting away... he was in a lot of pain and had far too many discomforts... (ahh but those blissful moments were worth a thousand..)

It would seem that this enemy we are at war with has many faces... many tactics... many points of attack. And we need to be ever more flexible to be able to survive every attack. We have learned much in the past month, through the ever changing hurdles we've encountered.....

We've learned that the pain which is "controlled" can actually peak at a moments notice and the meds need to be adjusted time and time again... so that he doesn't endure that which he doesn't need to. We've learned that food and eating is not necessarily a priority any more... his systems inside will be shutting down slowly and that "flight or fight" mechanism will not be working with full force. We've learned that your body has points where it doesn't allow any needle to work it's magic... and after leaking morphine for hours we finally realize why the pain is not going away....yikes. We've come to understand that his legs will be the first to stop operating.... (he fell a few days ago... his legs just gave out under him), the walker is his constant companion for now.....

And I have personally learned that there is much more still ahead to be learned.... and that as things progress, and his condition worsens.... I need to pull myself together and be able to face each new challenge head on, I need to be prepared for any new attack and be able to fight back and survive each of those attacks. And that good moments on any given day might be just that... moments... glimpses of joy... a second... and if not savored will be lost forever.

Things are getting harder to say the least, and it's the hardest on him.... and this is why I need to build a tolerance for the pain I feel, as not to put more strain on his discomforts.... he worries about me, I see it in his eyes... every time I help him dress or to get up and walk.... he looks at me with those loving eyes.... as if to say.... I'm so sorry that you too are suffering with me.....
But this is the ups and downs that is Cancer.....we suffer together and rejoice together.... and in the end we will have learned so much about our everlasting, ever real, ever timeless love.....

love and peace

the first lesson......

There's an old saying....."when the student is ready.. the teacher appears"...So....with colors at hand....

The objects staged just so....
The teacher....(with frail shaky hands)... present with enthusiasm......
And most importantly... the eagerly inpatient student awaiting......

Father and son sat down for the first lesson on painting with oils....
Much was discussed... even more demonstrated.... of course the ever present photographer (yours truly) buzzing about them.... swaying to the tunes of Eva Ayllon (our fave Peruvian diva, check her out.)
A good day was had!

love and peace

a few words from Gag...

So, last night out of the blue Gag requested that I read my blog posts to him.....

When I first started my blog, he thought it was a good idea and was glad that I had found something to help me cope with this situation..... but, he never really wanted to know what I wrote about and I never thought to share with him, I assumed that it would be tough for him to hear some of the words that I pour out.

For some reason (and it really doesn't matter why..) he wanted me to share this world that is such a big part of my days lately.... perhaps because he's noticed how much it has made an impact in our lives, and wanted to know more about the people that have been keeping me company and encouraging me with their thoughts.....

And that's exactly what we did.... I started from day one and read every single post and comment.... Mind you some of the heavier posts were difficult for me to read and were even harder for him to hear, and I asked if he wanted me to stop at any point... the answer was always "no, are you kidding??? I can do this all night with you."

He said a few things that both he and I feel we want to share with all of you.... as you are all a part of this corner of mine. I am not going to quote him, as it was an emotional moment for both of us and I just can't remember word by word what he said.... but this is as close to his words as I can get..... First of all.... he thinks I rule ( thank you very much).... he was very impressed with my writing and said he never new I could express my words so well (even though I don't think I'm that great... I just write what's on my mind and in my heart)... he even said (and I laughed) that LA Times would pay big bucks for some of my posts ;)... he especially wanted me to thank each and every one of you for, as he put it..."keeping my wife company" and for all the encouraging and loving words that you've shared with me (us). And most of all he was touched at the love that all my words expressed... he said he knows that I love him.... but this.... this says so much more and he loves me for it. And when I read the last post and comments... he was sad that it ended... and wanted it to go on and on, I promised to share all the words that I put down from now on.

We had an amazing time together for those two hours, and it got me thinking that it's no surprise to me that even in this ugly situation we're in... and although the words I read and he heard were very painful... we still had a good time, and really enjoyed ourselves... But then again that has always been us. No matter how bad of a situation we have been at times in our lives we've always looked at the brighter side of things and have always had fun no matter what. When money was tight and we couldn't go out to wine and dine, we would pop open a $5 wine put out some munchies, pop a DVD and enjoy our evening, or when one of our kids was sick and couldn't sleep at nigh.. we didn't whine and bitch about it, in stead decided to stay up and keep one another company while comforting the baby and talk about our lives together....

In other words the cup has always been half full in our eyes.... but is that surprising to any of you.???

I'd like to add that some of your comments touched his heart and made him feel the love that rang out of those words (especially yours Sue :). So thank you all from the bottom of my (our) hearts for making this tough journey of ours a bit easier.

much love and hugs

love and peace!

Seek and you shall find....

Don't you just love the Internet??? I know, I know.... I've always been one of those people to bad mouth technology and blame this fast growing cyber world of robbing our kids of true innocent childhood... blah..blah...blah.... and to a certain extent it's true. Think about it our new generation can't imagine a world without their personal computers... held hand games... i pods... cell phones and of course the all mighty Internet.... can you blame them??? That is the world in which they were born into... ok here I go again veering off... (let's focus Mari...)


The reason I bring up the Internet today... is because it has helped me bring two old friends together after 30 years. ( a little background....) Gag attended the Spiritual Academy at Etchmiadzin Cathedral back home (which by the way is the oldest church in the world 301-303). It was possibly the most well spent years of his youth, having had lost his father to cancer at age 10 and having an ill mother, a teen boy could have gotten himself into a lot of trouble if not for this school. In the four years he attended there he made life long friends and mentors. One such mentor was his English teacher (pictured below with Gag) Michael, he was more than a teacher... he was that ever important great male role model any boy needs at that age, and taught him a lot, and in return Michael gained a family in Armenia and has always cherished that connection. However after Gagik and family moved to the US in the late 70's, they lost contact for whatever reason. And for as long as I have been in husband's life... every time he looks at old pictures... he remembers Michael with such fond memories and always wondered where he is and what he's up to...


Well... I took it upon myself to give Google a try... I thought "why not... I might actually find him".... And find him I did! I sent this photo with an e-mail to a church in New York where his name came up with the search... and sure enough they forwarded it to him. A couple of days ago we received an unexpected phone call. Michael was very pleased and thankful that I had found him and at the same time was devastated at the news of Gag's illness, and was also disappointed at both of them for having wasted all these years wondering what the other is "up to".
He is flying out here in mid July to spend a few days with Gag. This of course has made Gagik so happy, and is looking through his phone book to see if he can gather some old friends from the academy that are also here in LA, for a reunion day of reminiscing the good old days, and spending the day with laughter and joy.

Once again... don't you just love the Internet.... used properly it can bring far away worlds together.

top picture... (is my fave) Gag is at the far left corner
center picture... he's getting ordained at the first level
bottom... Micheal and Gag (last picture taken together)

If there is anyone that has made an impact in your life and is no longer in it... deserves to be "searched"... don't waste any more time!

love and peace!

a walk down memory lane..

baby Gago

Gag and mom


Yesterday was a beautiful day....

The boys were having fun in the pool most of the day... and we lost ourselves in piles and boxes of old photos. As we flipped through forgotten boxes of pictures and turned the pages of albums that had not been opened for some time.....
We lost time and reality... and went on a day trip down memory lane, reliving memorable moments... remembering in detail the trips we had taken... the friends we've left behind in life.

What started from one small album, Gag wanted to look through of our honeymoon...turned into a great day... a journey of our lives through pictures... that will be imprinted in our minds forever.

My friend Hilda quoted Albert Einstein on Facebook.... about pictures I'd like to share here...

A photograph never grows old. You and I change, people change all through the months and years but a photograph always remains the same. How nice to look at a photograph of mother or father taken many years ago. You see them as you remember them. But as people live on, they change completely. That is why I think a photograph can be kind~Albert Einstein

P.S. So much for our art supplies huh... :) there's always today...
I wouldn't change those few hours we spent "lost"... for anything in the world.

I'm off.... lots of pictures to upload onto my Flickr and Facebook...

Have a great day guys.... and maybe.... go get lost in your old pictures for a day

love and peace!

where there's a will....

The easel is out and dusted off... the brushes are soaking... the colors sorted.......and the blank canvases await a story...

So tomorrow, with a list at hand Robert and I will be picking up some new supplies as directed by dad....

There was a new light in Gag's eyes today... as weak and worn out as he is... he still got excited at the thought of teaching Rob how to play with oils.

These are the days we'll cherish.

love and peace