I've been getting out of my cave a little more lately, taking up on peoples invites...an art exhibit here, a dance recital there, out for drinks with my girlfriends... and have noticed something interesting that I'd like to share with you lovely folks, my good friends here in this cyber corner of mine...
As I'm out and about socializing once more, trying to find joy in things again, I've run into quite a few people that I haven't seen since those dreaded days following Gag's death. Most of them are very happy to see me getting out, to see me smiling and enjoying myself, and yet others seem to have this puzzled look on their faces.... Not to say that they don't want to see me happy, but I think they are just lost in wonder at how I'm even able to function after all that's happened let alone be out with people enjoying myself. And believe me it doesn't bother me that they think this way, nor does it deter me from smiling and finding the joy in things once again...
The truth of the matter is that I am by nature a happy person, always have been. In fact that was one of the things that my husband loved about me, he loved that he was married to a happy person, someone that found joy in the simple things and was able to laugh out loud with him. As you all know he too was a very happy guy and loved life and laughter, and often told me that my smiling face was what made him look forward to each day... so imagine if he was married to a grumpy, negative, nagging person... what a drag that would've been for him. Now, I wouldn't go as far as describing myself as having a bubbly personality.. I have plenty of days where I'm a bit of a cynic and wear my pessimists hat at times, but overall I'm happy. Sure I have a great deal of sadness inside, I have a broken heart that may never heal, my soul is crippled and the pain can be quite unbearable for me at times, but what helps me get through my days now ARE those glimpses of happy moments, the joy that I find each day in the little, simple things. It is my personality, I can not help but wake up each morning and yearn to find things that make me smile.... such as the faces of my boys sleeping in the morning light, a little "good morning" to Gag's photo by my bed... the smell of my coffee... just to name a few...
There are plenty of things in my life that can make me unhappy, bitter and an overall angry person, and ya... I can walk around complaining, crying, nagging all day long and at times I have to reach rally deep inside to find the strength to even get out of bed on some mornings... But how could any of these benefit any of us??? I've grown up in a happy, safe and loving home... with parents that taught us to find the good in everything and everyone, to be good to ourselves and to others as well, I had a wonderful marriage to an incredible person, although short lived but a very rich connection filled with an abundance of love and happiness... and now I want to carry on that tradition of joy in my home, I want my children to see me smile, to feel that love and joy that was present when dad was alive.... Why would I ever abandon that character of mine... only to become a sad... lonely...bitter person... I would never do that to my children, to my loved ones, to myself and most of all to Gagik.
So... it does come down to who we are and how we react to the things that life has in store for us... people always tell me they are amazed by my strength and how calmly I have handled all that has happened to us... but I don't know if it's all about being strong as much as being true to ones nature... like I said, I am by nature a happy person, I can't help but be this way... I don't know how else to be.... So for now I am a happily sad person... and that's just fine by me.
Be true to yourselves...
love...peace...joy...
Life is a spectrum of things. My Son once told me something that took me a while to understand. he said "dad, if you are always wet, then you are never wet" Think about it. If you never know dry how can you even comprehend what wet is? Way to go Sev. Point of reference. In life we have ups and downs, sadness and happiness and in the end its the balance of these things that makes a life worth living. Love you Mar.
ReplyDeleteI was actually just thinking about this recently. You may have heard about a pastor that was killed while in church a few months back, his kids go to the same school as mine. I saw the daughter and she was laughing and talking to my daughter. I couldn't help but keep looking to try to catch something in her eyes or expression. they have had a very rough few months, but life goes on and you have to live it. I only hope that I am as strong as you are, and this teenager is. Hopefully it's something I won't ever have to figure out....
ReplyDeleteThere is something to be said about being prepared for the end - knowing it is coming. Mourning your loss together before it happens. Not that it makes your loss or the mourning any less significant.... by any means.
ReplyDeleteI am in full understanding of the happily sad sentiment. After losing a child I find myself happy and surprised I am. Yet, the sadness can sneak up an attack at any moment....
I So get that! I appreciate this post, very much.
ReplyDeleteYou look beautiful, and I love hearing that your friends, are getting to see you more.
I send you love, honey.
xo
Oh how I love the words you have for emotions...so in touch. I find this so rare and refreshing. Bless you in your happy nature. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and was a sickly, stressed child. I am learning to live and love and enjoy life, but my nature is a serious one. I envy the easy going, happiness of others. So yes! Embrace this nature of yours, gift your boys with it. Thank God for it, and thank you for sharing it with us.
ReplyDeleteLove the pic, sunglasses are so fun! Mwaah!
Oh sweetie, yes! Smile and cast your light upon the world.
ReplyDeleteI'm not gonna lie. The thought of going through what you've gone through... what you are still going through, scares the bejeezis out of me. My greatest fear (and I've told you this before) is losing my husband. As much as the thought of leaving him alone haunts me, I'm more afraid of being left. My first husband? Not so much. In fact, ever since I met him he was a cardiac patient with a history of hospitalizations. It continued throughout our marriage, dotting our ten years together like freckles. When he was near death, one time, the surgeon told me to get my affairs in order. When I didn't flinch, he asked me if I understood what he had just said. I guess I didn't lurch in sadness enough. But with Larry? I would have crumbled into a million pieces of sand. It's all relative, isn't it?
But you have faced the worst and have triumphed. You greet each day with a renewed spirit and hope and I am so touched and inspired by that. You show all of us that our worst fears, although difficult, can be overcome.
I love you. Stay strong. Feel the love around you. XO
Bravo! YOu can be happy....it's allowed...I'm glad you are.
ReplyDelete♥
S
Continue to be you ... for you are perfect. Continue to smile ... for it suites your personality. Continue to live ... for the world would be less of a place without you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and living your life.
Peace my friend
~ Philip
you are so right. i'm happy-sad for you. and i'm sure gagik loves you for wanting to laugh and to smile.
ReplyDeletehave a wonderful weekend.
Bravo bravo...happily sad, what a perfect expression. You're so right to go about your business with as much strength and cheer as you can muster...that is what Gag would expect of you. STuff other people!!
ReplyDeletexx
Mari, I'm happy that you are finding the bright spots in your days. hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteSome people have an unhappy disposition and even if they had a million dollars they would not be happy. It is such a blessing that you have this natural happy disposition and especially now to help you and your sons through this difficult time.
ReplyDeletevery, very interesting. so simple and yet so complex. and wonderful.
ReplyDeletelove u, Marin. I'm glad you're able to enjoy more joy w/ a peaceful heart :)
ReplyDeleteOops...That was Nairy
ReplyDelete