Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Time again..for another update on husband's condition.

I'll start by saying that there is not one day or even a moment that is like another....take yesterday... other than the two to three hours of pure joy we had painting away... he was in a lot of pain and had far too many discomforts... (ahh but those blissful moments were worth a thousand..)

It would seem that this enemy we are at war with has many faces... many tactics... many points of attack. And we need to be ever more flexible to be able to survive every attack. We have learned much in the past month, through the ever changing hurdles we've encountered.....

We've learned that the pain which is "controlled" can actually peak at a moments notice and the meds need to be adjusted time and time again... so that he doesn't endure that which he doesn't need to. We've learned that food and eating is not necessarily a priority any more... his systems inside will be shutting down slowly and that "flight or fight" mechanism will not be working with full force. We've learned that your body has points where it doesn't allow any needle to work it's magic... and after leaking morphine for hours we finally realize why the pain is not going away....yikes. We've come to understand that his legs will be the first to stop operating.... (he fell a few days ago... his legs just gave out under him), the walker is his constant companion for now.....

And I have personally learned that there is much more still ahead to be learned.... and that as things progress, and his condition worsens.... I need to pull myself together and be able to face each new challenge head on, I need to be prepared for any new attack and be able to fight back and survive each of those attacks. And that good moments on any given day might be just that... moments... glimpses of joy... a second... and if not savored will be lost forever.

Things are getting harder to say the least, and it's the hardest on him.... and this is why I need to build a tolerance for the pain I feel, as not to put more strain on his discomforts.... he worries about me, I see it in his eyes... every time I help him dress or to get up and walk.... he looks at me with those loving eyes.... as if to say.... I'm so sorry that you too are suffering with me.....
But this is the ups and downs that is Cancer.....we suffer together and rejoice together.... and in the end we will have learned so much about our everlasting, ever real, ever timeless love.....

love and peace


  1. It's true, Mari, cancer is like a roller coaster, only without the thrill. Without the choice to board or get off. Without the assurance that the ride has been checked by safety experts and is secure. So many choices are eliminated in a cancer journey. BUT, so many are still within your grasp. The choice to love despite the fear. The choice to laugh despite the pain. The choice to quietly delight in each other's company despite the delicate reminder of the clock. The choice to live each moment with a determination to find quality and goodness in it despite a plethora of unknowns.

    What God has joined together, nothing--not even cancer--can tear apart. Your hearts are fully connected to the truth of your love for each other. They beat as one heart, in synchornized harmony of shared energy, fused together by love, in love, a forever love that transcends all earthly abominations.

    There is such tenderness amidst the sadness. Such caring and compassion amidst the challenges. Such joy amidst the sadness...a joy fulfilled by the richness of a love so profound, so deep, so committed.

    This time is very personal, very sacred, very delicate. I am grateful that your heart and your essence contain such wisdom and generosity that you will be able to measure each moment by all that you have gained and been given and have shared in your lives together.

    Nothing can ever take that away from you. Not even cancer.

  2. i've been where you are, and there are no easy words. i'm thinking of you and all your boys, wishing you peace and strength. xo kitty.

  3. I just have to send a care bear stare your way of love and respect.

    I have always been in awe, when my heart is breaking, that people have gone through this excruciating pain since the beginning of time. And losing a friend. Even the pain of child birth! And the pain of watching someone go slowly...it just feels so deep like it is going to kill us! Yet we live on. It helps to know that we are all in this together.

    We all have our own problems currently in our lives. And mine feign in comparison, but they are everything TO ME. Thats how I feel about each individual. And your strength is helping me right this moment through mine.

    Thank you. And just keep absorbing all that love in your life, because that is a POWERFUL crutch.

  4. Wow, Mar...such a touching post today. Sometimes I feel like I am reading a love story. your words tug at the strings of my heart. I love how you can find peace and happiness in the midst of this tornado. I guess that is what cancer teaches you....to find joy in the 'moments' rather than the days and weeks. Your life has become a series of moments and you sure are living the mantra 'one day at a time'. because, really, what other choice do you have?
    love, serious-gigi (since no jokes were cracked today)

  5. I just can't find the words for you - you and your family are enduring so much. We spent some time with my husband's family this weekend, my father in law has cancer and is sicker than he will admit. I don't think we have much more time with him. I could hardly bear to look at him because he is the shadow of the wonderful, vibrant man I first met only a few years ago. I thought of you and your bravery and stuborness in the face of cancer. I admire you so deeply, even though I only 'met' you a few weeks ago.

    My heart is heavy for my father in law, and my husband and his family for what is to come. I can't find the bravery for it all.

    Hugs to you. One moment at a time, not even one day at a time....every memory, every moment is a moment extra to cherish xxx

  6. guys...once again... thanks for being that ear and shoulder i need at times like this hugs for that.
    And Spud...I'm sorry about your father in law, it is hard to see a family member go through this... just patience and love...to you.

  7. This post is very touching to me as a fourteen year old teenager. Learning that life hands us the hardest challenges. From reading this post I came to a understanding that nothing can tear you guys apart. The great times you've had together will be forever in your hearts. & by reading these posts with my mom here and there I've came to a another understanding that life is to short & that we need to cherish every minute every second.

    hugs and much love.
    - Elizabeth.

  8. ps. Elizabeth is my daughter.
    -Ani S.

  9. Awww... thank you Elizabeth, you are like your mom.... you have a big heart. And you're right... life is too short, always remember that :)

  10. Mari,
    I wish you strength to get through this tough period. Youve been a real hero already, and i wish you well. You are right,savouring every moment is the key.

  11. I am new to your blog and deeply impressed by your words of love in that your world of cancer. there are no proper words (especially for me whose English is not fluent). but I wanted to share a thought I had recently. a young woman I know lost her husband (well under 40) one morning during his regular prayers. he just died, just like that, not being ill, being an organic food lover, non-smoker, being fit and young, just like that. she and their three kids had no chance whatsoever so say farewell, he just dissapeared out of their lives. so this might be the only chance with cancer. you have to go, your hourglass is running empty, no escape. but you still get the chance to sort your things and to tell your loved ones how much you care. I lost some dear friends to cancer and I know: nothing, really nothing can describe the pain. I hope I don't hurt you with my words - I think you and Gag have got a difficult but precious chance to express your feelings toward each other. and you are really accepting that chance with grand bravour. thank you for sharing! hugs from Ireland Eliane

  12. thanks Dash... hugs
    Elaine... welcome, and thank you for your words... and you are right... we have the chance to say all that we haven't said til now (which is not much... we talk allot)... but at least we have that chance....
    savor each moment in your lives you guys...

  13. Hang in there, Marin jan! You are stronger than you realize...

    Sending you my love and prayers,

    Ani (Petik's Mom)

  14. II keep trying to put myself in your shoes and know that if my husband were sick I'd be a basket case. You're courageous and a fine example for your sons. We are ALL with you in spirit Mari.

  15. It's amazing the courage you can find when you need it most. You're relationship is so precious, enjoy the moments there will be many more, celebrate, use the good china and wear those special earrings.. Gag will appreciate it. Love and prayers... Ali.

  16. i am thinking of you, my friends. you have beautiful courage.
    sending up many prayers.

  17. and so now with a tear in my eye - knowing that I can not physically hug you I will leave the computer and go hug my hubby.

  18. ladies... you should all go hug your hubbies like Jules... enjoy every day!

  19. Marinik, I haven't checked in lately and am now trying to play catch-up. So much seems to be happening.

    Patients can take morphine for unbearable pain. But what can the care givers and soul mates take? I wish there was something for the emotional pain.

    Sending loving thoughts your way.

  20. i got both goosebumps and tears in my eyes reading this post. again, as i said in my comment on the previous post, i am astounded by your strength and your clarity. it positively boggles my mind. i am in awe. and you are all in my thoughts.