Sunday, June 14, 2009

What doesn't kill us......

They say: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"......

If someone had said some time ago that I would have to watch my love slowly leave this world, and that I had to stay strong and survive..... I would have said that it would kill me..... but it doesn't kill you....

And you wonder HOW??? do I wake up every morning and carry on??? How do I look at him and smile and give him a reason to smile....????? How do I give courage and strength to my boys to live through this... and find ways of going on????

I don't know.... when you are faced with such things... such pain.... and when death has arrived at your door and is not willing to leave... until it has gotten what it came for.... you muster up some extra power that you have deep inside... hidden for such occasions....

If you are religious... you see it as God giving you that power.... or if you are not... then it's some cosmic power that comes over you and you do.... you survive it..... and you do more than survive it.... you embrace it.... you accept it.... you make it your own.... and that's what keeps you alive and doesn't "kill you" .....

Needless to say the past few days have been very surreal.... we had some very important decisions to make.... final wishes to convey....

It came at us... not so much out of nowhere... but it just happened too fast.... ya we knew this day was probably coming... and ya we thought we were ready to face it.... but in a couple of days he took a turn to the worse... his pain is not matter how much meds he pumps in his body.... he's not getting out of bed.... he doesn't want to eat or drink anything..... is the end that near????

Are we ready for it????? Are we ever ready for such a devastation????

We have to be....
He is ready for his exit.... he is at peace with it.... we just have to be willing to...let him go...

love and peace..... to us all.....


  1. Dear Mary, I have been following your blog for the last couple of weeks, and every time I read your thoughts I couldn’t but admire your unusual strength and optimism. You are right, the pain like the one you are going through now can never be relieved or comprehended or expressed, however it does not kill you but makes you even a stronger person and in a strange way makes you value and cherish life even more. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we have no say in the way the universe decides the roles that we play in our lives and the people that we play those roles with. Some of us get really lucky to be chosen to ‘play’ along incredibly wonderful people, like your husband, and not only play but also invite them into our hearts and lives. However, the same universe also assigns us roles that seem unexplainably cruel and seemingly meaningless. Like we accept without complain an ‘undeserved punishment’ that we sometimes get from our parents, because we know that we owe them our existence and even at that particular moment we feel how much they love and care for us, so we accept the ironies of the universe knowing that in spite of its cruelty towards us now, it was the same universe that, for instance, brought you together with your beloved husband, and it was the same universe that endowed you with 17 wonderful years and 2 beautiful children together… If we think about it, maybe a pain like this does not kill us but only makes us stronger because no matter how cruel, the universe also makes sure that you can carry our ‘cross’ by somehow relieving our suffering through some other things or people that it brings along our way. For instance, your 2 beautiful sons who not only keep and will continue to keep you going through this life but also will be little reminders of your beloved husband with each of their look, smile, gesture, deed, etc. I know the pain of loosing a beloved one is unbearable but I guess it might become a little less frustrating if we look at it as the way of universe’s claiming a payback for the exclusive privilege of experiencing a deep, mindblinding, overflowing love, just like the one that some of us were lucky enough to experience. My prayers and blessings are with you and your family….

    God bless you,


  2. Yeah hun moving on is a process & just need to promise yourself that your really ready to let go.
    With love,
    Ani's daughter.

  3. Dearest Mari:

    I have no words of advice or platitudes to help you get through this. Death is its own learning curve, and you will walk this path each day and surprise yourself each step of the way. One thing is for sure: What works one day as a coping mechanism might not work another. So, I would tell you kind to yourself. You will feel a plethora of emotions, a roller coaster of feelings that leave you up one moment and down the next. Don't judge yourself or demand that you must feel a certain way. However you feel in the moment is exactly how and what you are supposed to be feeling. Don't diminish your pain. Let it come, as it waves that threaten to drown you, but they won't. You see, Mari, who you are does not change. Whatever you are feeling is a process. Grief is a process. And at times you may feel like a stranger to yourself. But you will always be you. You are filled with light and integrity, wisdom and strength, courage and love. You can buckle under the weight of the moment and be assured that you will rise again. Because that is who you are. You are a lover. And you are blessed because you happen to be a lover who has found your "thing" to love. Death can do so many things. But it is powerless to stop love. Love will go on forever. You will go on. Your boys will go on. And Gag will go on not only in the rich legacy he leaves us all, but in your heart, your mind, your spirit, your soul. He will never leave you. Not really. Because all that he is, all that you have shared, all that he represents will live on in you and the boys and in everyone whose life has been touched and made better because he was in it.

    Love never dies.

  4. thinking of you & your family, admiring your presence. peace.

  5. Nothing to speak.It is known to the person who has undergone such traumatic experience.

  6. Little words.
    Thinking of you.
    Sending love.
    Warm embrace.
    Time stand still.
    Give you more.
    Support from far.
    Little words.