Wednesday, June 17, 2009

how does one "care"??

I've been talking to some friends and family who have either in the past or are currently taking care of loved ones that are ill... and it got me thinking... about what it takes to carry out such a task.

I haven't really been looking at it quite that way... I'm not my husbands caregiver.... I'm his loving wife who is doing what a loving wife does.... take care of the needs of the man you love. So as some visitors stop by to see him... the first question to me is ....."how do you do it... how can you survive this every day... and do it with a smile?"

Well... like I've said before I don't know... a power from within steps in and kind of overrules the emotions and the pain.... And let me tell you... I'd be lying if I said that I don't have "bad" days.... it would be unnatural not to feel anything. After all we are not trained nurses and these are not strangers we are caring for. There are so many different feelings that float around in your head on any given day or even moment.. that it can be down right overwhelming...

But these are all a part of the "caregivers" life... however long or short lived. Most of us who care for ill loved ones have a dozen other things we are responsible for too... our children... a job... the home... in my case our shop... so yes, it can be very stressful at times. And the emotional stress is what usually gets to be too much at times... All the different thoughts that we have inside that represent the different roles we play in our lives, battle each other in our heads constantly.

There is the pain of seeing the one you love suffer... there is the pain of not knowing how all this will effect the ones we love... (my kids).... there is the anger of the unfairness of life... there is the resentment of why him, why me, why us,.... there is the feeling of betrayal of how could this have happened.... and on ... and on.

And I have gone through most of those emotions and feelings, sometimes all at once.... but there comes a time where you just have to let go... and just accept the path that is in front of you and just walk it gracefully and with patience... otherwise not only are you miserable and complaining all the time, surrounded by negative thoughts... but also the one you are caring for suffers as a result of your resentment. There is something else to give thought to... not all patients are created equally... Gagik for example doesn't complain... or wine and nag the whole day, which makes my job a lot easier, but I was talking to someone who is caring for a person that is the opposite and gets upset, and argues etc.... and the caregiver feels unappreciated and betrayed.

Well to that I say... you mustn't take his reactions personally.... not all people can live with pain and not being able to care for themselves... thus get frustrated and angry... and who do we take out our anger on?? .... the ones we love.... it is not anger directed at you, but anger at the situation.. at the pain... at the unfairness.... So, again we must let it go, stop feeling like we are dealt a bad hand and must live with it.... just look at it like... this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now in my life... so I might as well do it right, do it with love and do it whole hearted.

It's when we stop fighting with our inner ramblings...then we can have peace.

love and peace


  1. Vous ĂȘtes vraiment un femme incroyable.

    Yes you are. I marvel at the way you clearly see, through all that you are dealing with and going through, and understand what it is that you have to do at this time right now.

    Clearly the challenges are there and you are aware of them. I am confident that this femme incroyable I see writing in words and with images will be the most incroyable caregiver for Gagik.

    As much as you are blessed with him I believe that he is blessed with you in his life.

    ~ Philip

  2. I'm sure it's not easy; but life has a lot of obstacles that we need to fight & I admire you for being so strong.
    "If you find your energy or mood to be low today, remember that you can always shift yourself to a higher level.You have power within your will, along with the our help and assistance. When you're stressted, your aura tightens and shrinks, which further compounds the slumps in your emotions and vitality. Call upon us angels to relax your aura so that it can stretch out farther and pump up your feelings of happiness and energy. Anytime you want to transform yourself, just pause and decide that you'd like to be in a more enjoyable mood or have more energy - this choice is starting point. Then as you inahle deeply, imagine yourself drawing in a universal energy, taking in as much as you desire"

    - Ani S.

  3. Amen, Mari. You have written about this part of the journey with the same grace, wisdom and compassion as you walk it. I admire your openness and your honesty.

    I have been both a caregiver and a patient. Neither is easy, and each has its own inherent hurdles and burdens. But each has its own purpose and even its own blessings.

    May God give you and Gag all that you need as you face the intricate and delicate facets of this challenge. May there be enough peace, enough love, enough wisdom, enough strength, enough courage, and enough light to make your way through this.

  4. Marin,

    I love you and you are amazing and incredible with Gagik. You are loving, patient, kind, and loving (again). Your anger is completely justified, and you have a wide enough mindset to feel this, while also knowing that letting it go (eventually, or every day, or at given moments) every so often, will bring you peace. God is totally watching over you, and knows your strength and courage, as well as Gagik's.

    So just know, your realness and love and care that's so you, is providing Gagik with everything he needs. As Pip said, he's blessed with you in his life.


  5. "It's when we stop fighting with our inner ramblings...then we can have peace." that's enlightenment. peace & love, kitty.

  6. Pip.. Gagik tells me every day how blessed he feels... can you believe that?? even in this state he feels BLESSED!
    Ani... thanks for the words
    Sue.. thank you for all the blessings sent our way every time, right back at you dear.
    Nairy.. love you babe
    Kitty... that IS enlightenment :)

  7. i send you love and all the hugs you can hold. you and your husband sound like truly blessed individuals.