I've been avoiding talking about this the whole week.... I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow, we have a CT and Bone scan scheduled, it will be another long and tiring day for Gagik.
And to be honest I don't really know what to expect from the results.... on one hand do I hope for a small chance of some good news???? Or expect the worse???? If I hope for too much... then there is the disappointment to deal with.... if I expect the worse... am I really ready to handle any more bad news??... not that it could be any worse at this point.
They did say that chemo will most likely not help anymore, but there was a small chance that both the chemo and radiation treatments together might make things a bit better.... But the way he's been feeling the last week... I don't know if things are getting better or worse.
He's not doing too great... the nausea is a constant companion, the pain is always there no matter how many pills he takes, and all the pills make him numb so his mood and spirit is suffering as a result of that.... I want to take him out for a walk or to lunch... but he just has no interest, mostly because he's not feeling well. S0, once again I need to make another transition... and learn to deal with this stage another way... do I back away and just let him be??? Or push him to be more "present"????
All very tough questions to ponder...., perhaps today is not the right day to deal with them... been up most of the night just thinking, and I'm just drained, so how about I just "skip" today and hope to (no plan to) wake up with more spirit tomorrow.
And you know??? Ya he's not doing so great... but he's not doing so bad either.... and whatever tomorrow has in store for us... we'll just deal with it as we have with all that's come our way so far.... right? Although we won't have the answers till next week, so that will be another challenge to wait patiently.... in the mean time.... I'll just write.... helps me cope and stay composed...
Thanks for lending an ear ya all...
Love and Peace!