Thursday, June 11, 2009

What to expect?

I've been avoiding talking about this the whole week.... I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow, we have a CT and Bone scan scheduled, it will be another long and tiring day for Gagik.

And to be honest I don't really know what to expect from the results.... on one hand do I hope for a small chance of some good news???? Or expect the worse???? If I hope for too much... then there is the disappointment to deal with.... if I expect the worse... am I really ready to handle any more bad news??... not that it could be any worse at this point.
They did say that chemo will most likely not help anymore, but there was a small chance that both the chemo and radiation treatments together might make things a bit better.... But the way he's been feeling the last week... I don't know if things are getting better or worse.

He's not doing too great... the nausea is a constant companion, the pain is always there no matter how many pills he takes, and all the pills make him numb so his mood and spirit is suffering as a result of that.... I want to take him out for a walk or to lunch... but he just has no interest, mostly because he's not feeling well. S0, once again I need to make another transition... and learn to deal with this stage another way... do I back away and just let him be??? Or push him to be more "present"????

All very tough questions to ponder...., perhaps today is not the right day to deal with them... been up most of the night just thinking, and I'm just drained, so how about I just "skip" today and hope to (no plan to) wake up with more spirit tomorrow.

And you know??? Ya he's not doing so great... but he's not doing so bad either.... and whatever tomorrow has in store for us... we'll just deal with it as we have with all that's come our way so far.... right? Although we won't have the answers till next week, so that will be another challenge to wait patiently.... in the mean time.... I'll just write.... helps me cope and stay composed...

Thanks for lending an ear ya all...

Love and Peace!


  1. Oh Mar, I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I will pray, pray, pray for good results. I am so sorry for all these conflicted feelings you are dealing with. I guess what you do is just 'be there' for Gag. Not try to make him be in the 'present' moment, not try to 'ignore' him (not that you do :).... I remember once Seinfeld was on Oprah and he was talking about how much he loves his wife. He said that he goes next to her in the house, whether she is cooking, doing bills, whatever...and he just sits next to her...because as he puts it, he loves her "aroundness". I just thought that was so sweet! Imagine, just being next to someone, not talking, not probing but just 'being' there, because you like their aroundness...

  2. oh, forgot to sign my name above. Love, ANI

  3. Oh goodness, what a trial for everyone. I'm a newcomer to your blog, and didn't realise what you were going through until I read back through your old posts last night.

    I can't find the right words for you, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers x We are going through something similar with my wonderful father in law here. I won't bore you with the details but it's pulling me apart. He's a beautiful, spirited, brave person and he is just being beaten time and time and time again by cancer and by life. When I think about him I kind of can't breathe, for all the anxiety and pain that I feel for him.

    Your trials must be immense, the burden so great.

    You write very beautifully and eloquently, and your blog is so 'you'. And in the face of adversity, that precious moment, that precious 'core' of you is to be cherished and nutured as that is what will get you through these dark, dark days.

    Hoping and praying for some wonderful news tomorrow!

    Love from Spud xx

  4. Mari, I know how difficult scan day can difficult the news sometimes is that the doctors difficult to hope in the face of unbelievable odds. That's why, at the beginning of my journey, I told all my doctors I didn't want statistics or expiration dates. Statistics just tell you about a number of people, not you. And expiration dates are subject to God's approval and not known to man. I can name you person after person who only had three months and lived 13 years, or who had six months and is still here ten years later. The doctors' knowledge is based on accumulating statistics, not knowing people, and too often not recognizing God.

    So this is what I decided to do: I decided to put my life in God's hands and believe that the doctors were there for Him to work through them. I told them to keep their statistics because I would hold onto a larger Truth, one that says that I am healed by the sacrifice of another on a cross. I committed to finding something good--and by that I mean something God--in every single situation that arose (and you know from my Caring Bridge page that much has risen!). I am determined to expect the best ALL the time and then deal with whatever it turns out to be. Such simple things, but they have helped transform me during this journey.

    Mari, I have not been a caregiver in a very long time. I have instead been the patient. So your perspective is different than mine because you are trying to determine in what ways can you contribute, can you do your best, can you remind Gag about the sweet aroma of living. And, honey, you are doing all those things and more. Your warmth, your compassion, your understanding have covered him time and again like a blanket, protecting him from the chill of the storm. And you bring light into those dark places he often goes...and the light is simply just being you. And you surround him with the many beautiful aromas of living. But, Mari, you can't make him breathe them in. He must do that on his own. In his own time. And in his own way. He's facing possibilities no one should have to face so young. And he's dealing with these things while he is fatigued, nauseated, and in physical pain.

    All you can really do is respect his right to traverse this path his own way and simply love him every step of the journey. Don't try to think of the perfect way to help him because there really is no right or wrong way. Whatever you do, do it in love and it will always be exactly what is needed. Love cannot be wrong or right. It's just love, and that is more than enough.

    Everything you long to see...his joy, his spirit...are all still there. Believe it for the both of you until he can see it for himself.

  5. I wish I could be there to rub your shoulders and give your hubby some peppermint oil to sniff. I will hold you both in my thoughts tomorrow and send light for whatever healing is needed at this time.

  6. To you I send my Aloha, thoughts and prayers.

    May the countless thoughts from all of us bolster you tomorrow.

    May our prayers find you guidance in the face of whatever comes.

    May our Aloha (love) embrace you in a warm blanket of those around the blog web watching and waiting to assist you when need it.


  7. goodluck for tomorrow you never know what tomorrow will bring.
    Here is something to help you through the hard times you go through.

    Find the blessing & gift within everything

    " You grow by taking actions that you feel good about, such as telling the truth, setting firm boundaries, or seeing everything through loving eyes"

    " You learn by seeing the pattern within recurring events that you've exprienced. For instance, you may gain knownledge about how to be patient, compassionate,or strong during these situations."

    "You heal through your willingness to forgive yourself,others,and the situation,which realeases you from carrying around the corrosive energy of anger"

    -Ani S.:)

  8. thanks everyone, i really wanted to respond to each of your comments but am just too tired tonight, but know this your words will ring in my ears tomorrow and will make the day better,
    much love