Saturday, August 15, 2009

a plan

I've come down a bit since my ranting hysteria form the other day, it seems that every time Wednesday rolls around I go into an emotional meltdown. Last Wednesday marked the fourth week, and today marks the first month... a month gone and the rest of our lives to go.

I have been thinking a lot the past few days, I've stayed away from the cyber world to sort out my thoughts. And I've at least come to understand why I get so scared at times... I know myself to be a pretty strong person, and the past year and a half the strength that came from within proved to be more than I had imagined possible. However, now that my body is so emotionally and physically drained, I find at times the power depleting, and that is the driving force behind the fear that consumes me. And I find myself worrying about the future and doubting myself. Again all this is to be expected... let's face it the person we have lost was such a big part of our lives... I'd be worried if I wasn't feeling this way.

So... when we are faced with such moments in our lives, and have certain obstacles to overcome... we must stay focused, make a plan, list the things that we want taken care of and proceed forward. And that is exactly what I plan to do. It is a long list, and one that will take some doing, but with patience, and without too many expectations I'll forge on...

First and foremost on the list is health, must take better care of myself and the boys, have some plans with and for the boys, have a few projects at the shop that will need my entire attention, perhaps my cupcakes will resurface again, more writing to be done....and we will take all of this one step at a time. The boys and I have a little vacation coming up, so I'm hoping we'll get some much needed R&R, and some quality time, after which we can come back to our stronger selves, get on with the routine and try to enjoy every day together as Gagik would have wanted.

The pain and the emotions will still be with us every step of the way, but we'll invent ever more creative ways of dealing with them....

Life does go on, it would seem... and it must...

love... peace... joy...


  1. Beautiful! You do sound better....and you are acknowledging your grief and it's process! Just taking care of yourself and the boys and taking it one day at a time....that is the most you can do and it is the most that is day at a steps!
    My prayers are with you, always,

  2. i think one day, your posts will be a book. i read on someone's blog (forgive me for forgetting whose) that "fear is a feeling, not a fact." i think you are so brave. i think of you a lot, wishing you and your boys peace. love, kitty.

  3. I know that I have a very strong and smart daughter, I'm very proud of you. Step by step you will be good, and remember I am next to you and if you need any help don't hesitate to ask. I love you my beautiful and smart baby.
    love mama

  4. I'm so glad you stopped by my blog and said hi. I've seen your name around but hadnt popped over til now. You seem like an amazing woman, and although some of the posts I read broke my heart, I think you have a strength that I couldn't comprehend.
    Big hugs. Really.

  5. I took a hike with my family today. I thought of you... I tried to be brave outside in nature. But as we hiked higher and the air became cleaner, I felt so small compared to everything. My tears just poured out, I missed and longed for the familiarity of those who helped raise me. I am grateful~ ya know. I wiped my tears and accepted the love my husband and kids surrounded me with. It was easier hiking down that hill than going up.
    I love ya~

  6. I'm sorry I have been away for a week and missed the opportunity to remind you again that you are very brave and that God indeed has a plan for your life! In fact, start with your heart, as I know you will, and let your heart wander in its own opportunities. Then ask God to guide you and give you revelation as to how to prioritize that list, making sure to place His wisdom's choices at the top.

    I know that you and Gag have been the perfect team. And through your heart and God's whispers, Gag is still with you, still at the end of your outstretched hand, holding it in his. With God, the team is perfect, a triune of hope and desire and promise.

    I can't wait to be an observer of your unveiling. Like the petals of a rose, you will discover new layers to yourself and to your gifts each day, and each one will be more colorful and richer than you ever imagined.


  7. i'm so sorry to learn about your grief. hugs to you.

  8. Yes a plan is always good because it gives you a purpose and focus for energy. Plus the satisfaction of ticking things off your list. Your grief is so new and so raw, and you'r right that taking care of your physical selves is the best place to start because you need to be well, strong and rested to cope with what life has thrown at you.

    I'm afraid the first year is full of these awful milestones; first month, first birthday (for everyone involved) first Christmas, first New Year, first EAster, first annivesary of his death...all those are especially tough during the first year, because it's so totally alien and desperately unfair.

    So, take a little holiday, eat well, sleep when you can and rest your mind dear Mari xx

  9. thanks for all the lovely thoughts everyone.
    Bambi, it's nice to hear from you, we have "seen" each other in a few corners...
    Christina, thanks for thinking of me my friend, glad you at least enjoyed the hike :)
    Spud??? what are you doing commenting on blogs...??? shouldn't you be drinking, eating and being "fuzzy" at blog camp??? can't wait to hear about it ;)