Wednesday, August 5, 2009

boys becoming men

Most friends and family have been calling and e-mailing me just to check up on us, and mostly to see how the boys have been doing.... Well I really have no answer to those questions...
Just like me... the boys seem a bit disoriented, kind of numb really... can't seem to find our place... can't seem to find peace anywhere...
Yes, I have been keeping a close eye on them, talking to them trying to comfort them... but they are not like us adults... they don't necessarily always want to talk about what they are feeling (especially teen boys), so this is a bit of a challenge for me and I don't really want to become a "nag", like Arman says... "mom chillax".... So, I'm trying to "chillax" and give them space and kinda letting it roll...
Today... we had a not so chillaxed moment.... First of all, last week Arman said he didn't want to go to the shop anymore and didn't really have a valid reason... so I thought.... I kinda had a feeling what it might be... as I too am having a hard time spending too much time there myself. And today was supposed to be his first soccer practice, now let me just say that from the start of the summer when it was time to register he expressed that he "didn't want to play this year if dad wasn't coaching", so I didn't register him. But after Gag's passing, one of the coaches suggested that it would be good for him to play and he should do it for dad one last time...

Getting back to today... as he was putting on his soccer gear, mumbling to himself... I asked why he is unhappy... well he finally spoke... and there was no end to both of our tears. "How mom??? how do you want me to go on that field and play that game ... when dad isn't there???? I can't do it... I just can't... please don't make me... it hasn't hit me yet that dad is not around... It's just not fun anymore without him"
This.... this whole new life of ours will take sooooooooooo much time to get used to, and I just want what's best for them... and even I don't know what that is right now.
We all need time, I'm so glad that we got to cry together... talk things through together...
I told him that this is what we need to do to survive this.... to heal... to live.... and even though it really hurts now to look back at the memories... that's what's going to keep us going later.

"Dad was too good mom.... how can I not miss that goodness????"

It hurt... it was difficult... but a step forward nonetheless... my little boys becoming men.

Rob by the way... is ok, he gets sad sometimes, then we hug and he's back to doing what he was doing
I love my boys, without them this would not be a life worth living...

love... peace... joy...


  1. you are such a good mom~they need you and you are there one step at a time

  2. I know, I know it is very hard for you to see your kids cry, you feel so helpless at times,but you know time will heal and help you to accept things in the mean time please let me know if i can do anything to help you. I know you have alots of people who love and care for you, if you need to talk I can always have a extra ear for you. I hope it will get better in time.

    -Ani S.

  3. I find it hard to speak to something that I do not really know that much about but have to say....from what I read and from the greatness of your heart (evident here and in the comments on mine) you are doing a tremendous job and I have every confidence that your world, your boys, have exactly what they need in you.


  4. I can't imagine the pain you and your boys are going through. I don't know you, but for the insights I've gained from reading your blog, but I can tell you are a wonderful and loving mother and it is your strength and love that will see you through.

  5. Wow. I hear your pain, the boys' pain, and I can feel the depth of your hurting. And I don't want to diminish that at all or try to make it less than it is. It is palpable and very real. Like a sword that has cut so deep that it cuts into the very essence of your being. But, Mari, all that resonates through my ears is the one sentence, "Mom, dad was too good...." Oh, Mari, would that we could all live our lives in such a way that our children can say that we were too good! What a great honor. What a great memory. What a great legacy.

    I am sorry that you all are in so much pain and grief. But to think that you had a man of such stature, such grace and love, such goodness in your lives--albeit for too brief a time--well, certainly you must all feel so blessed.

    I have every confidence that you and the boys will make your way through your individual and collective grief. One step at a time. And, as always, my prayer for each of you is that you will be kind to yourselves along the way. Don't judge yourselves for how you grieve or how deeply you grieve. Just remember that the depth of your grief also correlates to the depth of your love.

  6. I always keep you in my prayers.

  7. thanks guys... as difficult as some situations are going to be... I feel they are vital to our recovery. and thanks for the vote of confidence.

  8. Hi! Reading brought back memories of my adoptive father's death when I was 16. It was sudden. He died in a plane crash Christmas Eve. We had the funeral, and then...we didn't talk about it. I remember going back to school and not one person said a thing. It was so strange. That was many years ago (34). I'm so very glad that you know how to be with your boys. To let them be and to encourage them to talk when they need to. Most of all I am so happy for you that you have had a "too good man" in your lives.

  9. Marine, you're a great mother. You're completely there for your kids, but you also give them space. That's priceless. It's love, unconditional. You are "too good" too, and the boys are so lucky to have you.

    love u,