Wednesday, August 12, 2009

walking the path

As I find myself... just in the beginning of this path to recovery, of healing, of grief that lays ahead, I am so overwhelmed... bewildered...drowning... lost in an ocean of emotions for which I am having trouble finding solutions.

The past few months as we walked that difficult path, hand in hand, Gag and I had each other... and as much as we both tried not to reveal too much of our worries to one another... there was still some comfort, knowing we were there for each other. That's how we were in our marriage, our friendship, our partnership... always ran to each other for support, for a hug, for a few comforting or wise words. And now that I've lost that half of myself... I have to walk this path alone...and it is proving to be so hard on my soul.

Yes, I have so much love and support from family and friends... but I've never leaned on anyone but myself and Gag... so I'm finding it very difficult to reach out... this is not a new development, I've always handled things better alone... however... this path is a new path, one that I have no experience in dealing with. Every day is a new lesson, each moment presents a new emotion to overcome. And even if I reach out for some is only temporary...deep down I still have to overcome this myself. Having friends and family close by is a great help for the boys, they can benefit a lot from that support belt.... for me the situation is different.

No matter what I do to keep myself busy during the day... spending time with the boys... the shop.... blogging... facebook... having visitors..... I find no comfort, no relief, no shortage of tears or pain. At the end of the day I'm still left with the burning pain in the pit of my soul... the pain of having lost such a big chunk of my heart.

I'm finding no words to express what I feel, and I am writing today...(with great difficulty)... not so much to get all this out of my system but more for all of you... so that if ever in your lives, any of you find yourselves on this path, that perhaps some of my words will shed light on the uncertainty of the situation and help you walk that path.

The overwhelming emotions of which I speak of come in many disguises... I feel pain, different levels, in different areas... pain in my heart, my body. I feel sadness that weighs a ton on my heart.. the side effects of months of repressed feelings are starting to surface and have caused much damage inside... the longing, each morning of waking up from this nightmare..and the sinking feeling when I open my eyes to find an empty pillow by my side... there are so many thoughts and feeling all the time in my head, the ongoing battle within... having been strong till now... I must be stronger more so now for the boys. Yes, there are moments in any given day of laughter, of good memories, of feeling the love that the boys and I have inside from Gag, and the comfort I feel inside knowing that the last days he spent with us were lived fully. Each day... a new pain to combat, a new emotion to overcome...

These are not emotions, feelings, battles that can be overcome by anyone but me, yes a cry shared with a loved one, some words of comfort... a hug... is a good antidote but not a cure.
This will have to be overcome by me and me alone, and I guess time is the one thing that will help me walk this path.



  1. Words well said my friend. Words that express an understanding of whom you are and where you are. Truly said that we cannot correct what is in you but we can support, comfort, encourage and listen to you. Sometimes that last one is our best choice and hardest for some of us to not want to intervene. But what you face is so personal that we should listen and give you what you need.

    Take the steps you need on this journey and know that we are here on either side of the path, in front and behind you. Know that we will help light the road you travel, shelter you from as much of the elemental forces we can and allow you to make your pilgrimage of discovery, learning and healing.

    Peace my friend...that is my thought and meditation I will continue to hold for you.


  2. Oh Mari you're so wise. You're right, you can fill up all the minutes of the day with business and people but the burning of your personal grief is always with you.And it is a physical pain, a big hard lump in your chest. It will ease with time, but these early raw days are so tough, learning to plod through life without Gag.

    Your write so beautifully. xx

  3. Mari, I have no experience of what you're going thru and don't have any life changing things to tell you... other than I hope and pray you can take each day as it comes and that one day you'll have less pain and more joy.
    muchos besos...

  4. Mari: Wow. A few years ago, my husband and I lost his best friend. His son, our Godson, was only 4 months old.We learned about the physiological effects of grief: the body aches, strange bruises, headaches etcetera. What astounded me the most was the absolute exhaustion in the weeks that followed. A psychologist explained that the brain is working so hard to process the daily experiences of profound change that the body just gets depleted. Eventually, through Buddha power and time, we were able to reach a sort of stasis. I think you help a lot of people by chronicling your journey. Peace, kitty.

  5. Beautifuly written. How many people are so in touch with their feelings, their bodies, their souls? How many of those could express it so clearly, so elequently? ...Don't imagine there are many out there. You missed my post about the myers briggs test. You've got to be an NF. That an intuitive feeler. We are rare- about 1.5 percent of genral population are INFJ's (which I am). When you are looking for something to fill that time -check out test. (ugh, won't let me past link...go to Secret #17...I know what you're thinking). I'd love to know how strong of an NF (what percentage) you are. I know that you are not alone as you journey down the path. His love and Gab's love are truly supporting you. Even though you may not be able to "feel" it right now. Mwahh (big kiss for you).

  6. ugh,,,full of typos. forgive me...just came back from long trip.

  7. i know it is hard
    i know you are hurting
    i am sorry
    i will be here

  8. I wish i could write to you in swedish. I have no english words. Maybe there are no words - language regardless. I read your post and I felt the beauty of your words and I can't grasp the emptiness or the sorrow but I hear you and I hope you'll continue writing. It's beautiful.