Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Happy 49th Gagik

Today is his birthday, and interestingly enough it fell on a Wednesday this year (you all know how I feel about Wednesdays...) so a tough day ahead.. and an even tougher night behind me.

I didn't get much sleep last night, just too much pain and tears. I tried very hard to remember the great moments we've shared together and the many happy occasions we've enjoyed.... but the only images that haunted me all night as my tears soaked into the pillow, were of his last days. The pain he endured, the falls he took, the fear in his eyes, the horror he must have felt knowing the end is so near.

I've tried, in the past month or so, not to think of those days as they give me so much pain, so it looks like they all came to me at once... I guess I had to face them someday. As I look back now and think about those moments, it hurts so much.... all I can think of is how terrifying it must have been for him... to feel yourself deteriorate like that... to know that you're leaving this world and everyone you love behind.... And he never once talked about it, or even showed what he was feeling inside.... and all that was done for us. As I've said before, I always tried to be strong for him and he was always protecting me and the boys,and everyone else around him, so that we don't feel the hell that he was in. So much strength... can a person really be that strong?

The memory of his last gaze is imprinted in my mind forever.... I can never forget that moment we shared just a few hours before he flew away. He wasn't awake too much the last few days, and when we moved him that day he opened his eyes (I'm so glad I was next to him that very moment), I got very close and looked right into his eyes, they looked dazed and distant...but I knew he could see and hear me and I spoke to him from my heart as he gazed deeply into my eyes... I knew that he was happy to see my smiling face one last time, I made sure that this would be the last image on his mind and not of my crying, sad eyes. I'm happy to have been able to give him that and happy to have had the chance to say my last loving words to him. And then he was gone....

I spoke to his mom last night, and the images that played in her mind all day yesterday were of the day she gave birth to him... the hours of labor... the happy moments after birth, the excitement of his dad knowing he just had a son. For a mother it's an entirely different kind of pain... the years you spent nurturing that child, the years of bringing him up through difficult times, to see him grow into a great man and to endure the pain of his death before yours.... that is unimaginable....

I guess she was there during his entrance into this world... and I was there for his exit...

I had planned to share some happy stories with you all on this day.... but this is what I'm feeling today....

Happy Birthday my love, we miss you ever more today than any other day...


  1. i hope it gets easier, but every milestone like this will undoubtedly be hard. i'll bet that the good memories will come to the forefront again tho' and the painful ones will fade.

    thinking of you today.


  2. Oh Mari, you write so beautifully. What a tough day..these first 'milestones' are so painful. i rarely think about my mother's last days, I find it too tough. For me, she had 'gone' days before she actually died. So I choose not to think about those awful, awful last days as that wasn't 'her' in my mind. I have a vivid memory of sleeping in her bed the night before her funeral. I dreamt she was sleeping next to me, but she was dying. But she woke and took me in her arms and said, "oh my baby, my only precious one" (i'm an only child). It was so, so SO vivid. I won't ever forget it. I choose to keep that as my last memory of her as I think that's what she would have said had she been conscious.

    Mother's should never bury their children, it's unimaginably hard to think of that. But then young boys shouldn't lose a father, and young women shouldn't lose their husbands. Life is so cruel.


  3. Mari,
    Prayers to you and your family today.....let yourself have the feelings and be gentle with yourself.


  4. wow. wow. raw, pithy, intense post. it really touched me. peace, kitty

  5. Mari, I pray you had some rest and peace today following that storm.

    Blessings on Gagik's birthday.

    love Deb

  6. Mari, while I abhor seeing you in pain, knowing you are experiencing Gag's death over and over in your heart, i can't help but tell you how amazing your writing is when it is so visceral. It seems that the deeper the pain, the more profound your writing. Few people are able to verbalize such intense emotions, let alone describe them so poignantly and so articulately.

    Yours is a love story that has to be written, Mari. It may be a about love and loss at its core. But, ultimately, it is a story of how love conquers loss when it is allowed to flow freely from the heart.

    You have no filters at all. The love is there for all to see, pure, and light, and transcending all time and place. It is still there, perhaps a bit more delicate, but there none the same.

    I can't imagine that there is anyone in this world who would not be touched by your love story.

  7. Mari, what touching words so plainly from your very soul. We can all learn from the depth of your love, the flowing of your emotions and the journey of your pain. I wish you peace and joy with the boys, much love. Ali.

  8. Mer -- You are so articulate in your writing, that the reader can feel your pain and the depth of your love almost as much as you can. I guess every year on this day you will re-live the sadness because of Gagik's absence from your life, but will be strong enough to go on powered by all the good times that you've had in the last 17 years. We all wish he was here with us, especially today, as he loved celebrations/happy times. Yeah, we miss him -a lot. I wish you a better night and tomorrow, my dear.

  9. What attracted me to your blog was your sense of realism. The reality that you presented is who you are and not pretending to be. Today this post needed to be the post that happened. For that I am most grateful.

    I am grateful for a glimpse into your soul. I love the fact that we get to know about the core of the man whom you love (not loved because you still do). I am humbled by your willingness to share those most intimate of emotions and surprisingly learn a little bit more about myself as my years of psychology study kicks in self analysis.

    Continue to be real, celebrate the memories of a great man, loving husband and wonderful son. Continue to take the journey ahead and remember there are those of us whom share our karma with you.

    Peace my friend

  10. mari,
    you are loved. i am so glad you spoke with gag's mother. may the full circle of stories, light your day.
    love you friend!

  11. i´m sending you lots of love and hugs.

  12. each "first" without him will be a challenge...go with your feelings...i admire you so much

  13. i'm pretty crap at expressing feelings. so just this: thinking of you. x

  14. Your blog has touched me and has brought me to tears . I agree with Sue, yours is a love story. I have been married 41 years to the same man and it terrifies me that one day that I may be alone and vice versa. I am sending you hugs and wishes of better days ahead.

  15. I am so sorry that you had to deal with this kind of pain. Always praying for you and your boys.

    Ani S.

  16. Dear Marinne,
    I´ve been looking throuhg the internet for some information for my state exam. I don´t know how it happend, but somehow at the moment I was reading your pages. Dear Marinne, many waters have passed since our lives crossed in The Photo Shoppe on Eagle Rock Blvd. I don´t know if you remember me. My name is Jana (The Czech Republic). I apologize for my bad English, many have forgotten in recent years. Acctually I can not express in english how much I feel sorry for Gagig, how much I feel sorry, that you met in your life so painfull event.
    You and your husband meant a lot to me. I am very thankful I met you both in that time I was visiting America. You helped me a lot.
    Dear Marinne, accept my sincere condolences, although delayed.
    Jana Storcova,