Tuesday, September 8, 2009

getting harder....

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tough... it seems like just when we feel strong enough to stand again.... there is yet another milestone to cross. The vacation, as lovely as it was, still reminded us that he's missed tremendously. Then came our anniversary, which was a pretty tough day, we were flying back that day, and all through the flight I kept thinking....who would have though... 17 years ago we were dancing, enjoying that happy day together... and here we were, the boys and I flying back alone from a trip, having just lost him....

Then of course came his birthday just a few days later, and that only cut into the wounds deeper, reassuring us all that.... no doubt he is gone forever from our lives. Yes, he is in our hearts and has left many good memories to cherish....but he is no longer with us, we can no longer hold him or sit and talk to him.

The game on Sunday, once again as great of an event as it was to celebrate the achievements he's had and the many lives he's touched.... was again a reminder of the void that's left. To hear all the young players and the coaches talk about how he made a difference in that organization was a great honor for all of us and yet again cut into the wounds, making them ever more deeper and the pain even more horrendous.

So, as we try and move forward and try to heal these wounds, we will time and time again be reminded of this giant loss in our lives, and that only makes things harder to accept. How can we nurse these wounds and mend our broken hearts with the constant milestones that remind us of how great of a man he was and how tough the road ahead without him will be....

This path seems to get only harder and harder to walk....

As promised I will do a post about the game and what a great event it was, how wonderful of a time was had, how heart warming a words were said.... and how deep of a pain was felt by all.
But, for today... I had to let you all know how I was feeling and needed to get this out.

Once again thanks for lending me an ear and a shoulder to cry on with my constant flow of tears...



  1. that game must have been so hard for you. i know every day is excruciating. i admire your strength and resolve. peace, kitty.

  2. Mari,
    I thought about you alot this weekend, with the game and wishing you could have been with us at blog camp....we talked about how you should have been there with us....my toes reminded me of you....be gentle with yourself.....know that you are being thought of....


  3. Mardig, big futbol(soccer)fan, go Manchester United (England)September 8, 2009 at 10:26 AM

    Hi Marin jan,

    Its the soccer fanatic (Mardy). Apparently my previous post did not go through, so I am writing to you again and making sure it goes through this time.
    We all had a very priceless time with the family at the soccer event on Sunday. And I can guarantee you that Gagik was there as well. You don't need to thank anyone for the custom uniforms sweety, I promised you I would try to make it a special event, and so it was...
    What I wrote to you before, I was just letting you know how much I personally enjoy reading your posts. You have a unique way of expressing your thoughts when you write. I hope you keep on writing and one day I will be purchasing one of your books. We all know life only gets tougher and tougher as we age, but as long as family and friends always sticks together we can get through the impossible.
    The M.A.A.P. family loves you and will always be there when you need us.
    Mardy, Ani, Alla, Petik

  4. I will say special prayers for you today that you will feel lifted up. That He will send his angels to minister to you and hold you as you walk. Much love.

  5. you are doing the hard work of grieving with grace and strength

  6. hey everyone... thanks for your words.
    S.... i'm so touched that you guys were thinking of me at blog camp awww, and love your toes (thanks)
    Mardy... lover the M.A.A.P. family too.... go England!!! ole..ole...ole...ole...

  7. Walk your path my friend and we will be here for you. I find advice beyond that lacking for me to say as I have ignored my losses over the years, yet have not lost that many close to me. Thus all I can offer is my support, escape into the world of pictures and a smile when you need it.

    Peace my friend....may you continue to find peace.

  8. I don't know you or have any idea how broken your heart must feel...but I'm sending many prayers your way for you and your boys...

  9. Thank you for continuing to push through the pain and grief and sharing it all with us. There is great power in the kind of transformative work you're doing and Gag is right there beside you.

  10. How I wish you didn't have to go through this journey of pain and loss. But there is nothing anyone can do for you other than to just lift you up in prayer and be there for you when you need a friendly ear. Beyond that, you will have to determine how long this journey will be. My belief is that grief is a deep as a person's love.

    You may be on this journey for a while. But things will get better. In time. Until then, cherish all that you had, all that you have, and all that awaits you.

  11. i don't really know what to say, but there's a poem by rilke i've loved for a long time, where he compares our lives to the rings of trees. and i find that image so strong - everything we experience, however beautiful or incredibly sad, will always be a part of our lives. there will be rings that follow, and altogether it will make up a whole.

    here are the first few lines -

    "I live my life in growing rings
    which move out over the things around me.
    Perhaps I'll never complete the last,
    but that's what I mean to try."

  12. i come over here now and then to see how you are doing. i remember the hardest thing for me after my husband died was accepting emotionally that he was not coming back. intellectually i was fine but for some reason, at night, i would lie there and think that he was going to be the first guy ever who beat death. and would come back to me. it took a long long time for me to get myself sorted out.

  13. i cannot imagine how hard it must be. but i do know that you need to take one day at a time. sending hugs and prayers your way.

  14. no words... except, you are loved.
    : )