Monday, October 19, 2009

looking for the light...

I heard Arman shaving this morning before school.....

My thoughts started whirling in my mind again... I remembered the day Gag showed him how to shave, he was ill already yet still had enough energy to teach him at least this one little step to manhood. And of course, all kinds of things started popping into my head, all the things that the boys still needed to learn from dad, all the wise words they are going to look for, all the times they will search for him as they reach moments in their lives that will require dad's advise..

I was overwhelmed by all the feelings that came over me once again, this tremendous fear took over, the helpless feeling of not being able to fill that void in their lives... I couldn't breath, it was so terrifying, so claustrophobic, my head was spinning from all that was going on up there. Will I be able to give them all that they will need, provide them with at least some of the answers to the questions they'll be faced with? Will I have the strength to be there every step of the way, to guide them, to help them choose the right path, to give them the right tools to grow into strong, confident men? There is no doubt in my mind that they have already learned so much from dad, and those lessons will always stay with them... but how many more lessons are left untaught?

This is when I really felt the need for Gag's presence, and this is what I miss the most about him always... our talks, we always talked through things, every obstacle, every hurdle, every tough situation was resolved by long talks and we both felt so much better in the end.. I needed him today more then ever, I needed his wisdom, his positive words that always made me see the light, his comforting voice telling me that all will be fine in the end... I needed to see him, to hear him... so I got in my car and drove out to the cemetery... where else to go to feel his presence???

Took some flowers, burned some essence, shared a cup of coffee and talked.. I did most of the talking... he didn't really have a lot to say, in fact he hasn't really been talking to me much... I'm still waiting... But, it felt good to tell him all my worries like old times, and perhaps it's the serenity of the place itself that always seems to calm me down somehow....

In the end.. the sun did peek through the clouds, as if to embrace me with it's warmth, and pat me on my shoulder to say that things will be ok, that we will come out of all this in tacked, and the light will appear again at the end of this dark tunnel. I walked away feeling a little better, much stronger that I felt in the morning, and even though all my worries are still there, the fear, the doubt, the pain are all still my constant companions, but a little less suffocating...

Another dark day turned a bit brighter, the heavy heart still lingers, it's hard shaking off an emotional morning, but with a few deep breaths I'll make it through the day, and always hope for a better start tomorrow.


  1. Hi Mar jan. Perhaps it was Gag parting the clouds as if to say, I hear you... The blessing is that the boys have you and their extended family to help guide them as best as we all can. I will never replace their father, but I will be the uncle. So heed Gagos words as they echo in your ears. Ola mamacita. All will be fine Things DO have a way of working themselves out, especialy with an angel like him looking down on you and the boys every so often.



  2. Hi Mari,

    The moment where and when you think you don't have the answers is actually when you do have them, they are usually right there in front of you. You are much stronger and wiser than you see yourself, I hope you realize that. As always, your family is always here for you guys...

    Mardy, Ani, Petik, Alla

  3. I don´t need to tell you to stay strong. You already are sweets. Just know I´m cheering you on.

  4. oh Marinik what a tender space did the right to him even if he doesn't...but then he does~

  5. Oh, Mari.....I hear the ache in your are sooo strong, I hear that, too.

    I am sending love and prayers....


  6. I think that we'll always miss our parents, no matter how old we are when we lose them. It would be good for your boys if they had a male figure to look to for guidance: an uncle, grandpa, neighbor, or friend. At least that way you wouldn't feel like it's all on your shoulders.
    Sometimes I still think to myself that I wish my Dad were here so that I could get his advice about something.
    You are a wonderful parent and I'm sure your boys see that.
    Hugs to you xx

  7. Beautiful, soulful words. I feel blessed to have heard them. When I feel afraid I helps. I've been releasing a lot lately...I visualize a white dove and lift it into the air with blessings to heaven above.

  8. hugs - as many as you need. :)

  9. Aww Mar jan that was so touching, and i hear you, and know how you feel, but the boys are gonna be ok, you'll see. You and Gag had already installed so much love in them, enough to last a lifetime and they were old enough to have observed what a great person their dad was and they will follow in his footsteps and be awesome people. You are a wonderful mom and don't ever doubt your abilities to parent them. I love you and i'm here for you sis always.

  10. SO tough of you to be walking thru this, Mari. Sending love and hugs your way, STAT.

  11. I believe I remember the post, when Gag was teaching your son, to shave. I knew that one day that beauty, would reappear, in the sweetest of ways.

  12. Hi Mari ... <3

    I've been a touch distracted from following your thoughts, but hear I am ... read it & as I was going through the words, your words ~ missing someone so dear & near is never easy but as the saying goes... Life goes on my dear, somehow we find a way or ways to make sense of things & all. Come days you'll see more & more of what Gag has shown the boys & how they simply will remember and carry on his ways into their own lives thus yours... So you see, memories do live on & believe it or not, I think when we talk to them it not only eases the weight on our hearts but in some estranged & uniquely unexplainable way they seem to get the message & the enlightenment that we get from each and every visit perhaps unnoticeable to most, does make a difference...
    What can I say, only you know the depth of your loss & pain, but know this, that people care & their caring thoughts are always with you.
    One does not really have to know another to the core & depth to care <3

    Have a wonderful day <3 K. from the invisible corner of "bisetka"

  13. thank you guys all, for the support and love...

  14. I know it is very hard, but you are very strong person inside and out.You are doing very good this is the process it is normal. Just know that what every does not kill you will make you stronger in life.And we will always be here to help in anyway you need us.


    Ani S.

  15. Reading your recent updates I feel like a mom watching her child fall again and again and aching at the pain she feels, yet feeling helpless to stop the inevitable. Growth, exploration of new experiences, and finding one's own path is a personal and intimate journey. A necessary journey that one day will reap its own rewards. But during the process, it is a difficult journey to observe...and to live.

    You are a baby, learning to walk again, to breathe again, to speak again. And it will take time and courage and perseverance to get through it. But you have those things in abundance, so I know you will get through this. You will do it for the boys. You will do it for Gag. And, in the end, you will see that through it all, you are still you.

    And that has always been more than enough.

  16. it's really great that you can visit the cemetery and feel relief. i so often read your posts and am totally pulled in and able to imagine myself in your place and i understand what you mean by not being able to breathe. i just imagine for a minute not being able to discuss all of the madness of life with husband and i feel it almost as a physical blow. if that day ever comes, i will undoubtedly think back to the journey you're sharing and be comforted.

    big hugs,