Monday, October 12, 2009

still learning....

Having been a Psych major in collage, and an overall nut about all things human... our behaviour, our inner senses that are a very delicate and complicated web... our reactions to things... our undying quest for self and purpose....
This past experience has also been a very interesting time for me from an observation stand. I don't know about you, but I am always examining and reexamining myself, my thoughts, the way I handle situations, emotions etc... I have always been that way, but after studying the human psyche and reading quite a bit on the subject, I think I've become more and more aware of this interest of mine.

Naturally... after a person goes through a major ordeal like the one I've been through the past couple of years, your emotional and psychological state goes through a whirlwind of ups and downs, and many sessions of crashes and reboots... But in the end, somehow, we still survive...some may even say conquer ourselves and our inner daemons that so often, (in some people) win the battle.

There are so many changes I've noticed within my very character, some so noticeable that friends and family have pointed them out as well. But... how much of it is normal and how much alarming?? That is the real question... and actually how much of it should be embraced and how much should be shaken off??

Of course I'm different... how can I possibly be the same person? When I've lived the past seventeen years of my life with another person, with whom I've shared most of my days, thoughts, emotions, my joys, pains and sorrows with. Someone to be responsible for and someone who was responsible for me, someone whom I made plans with, did things for, cared for, worried about... And now... that person who was my ever present breath next to me is no longer there... and ya I know what you're going to say... he's still here and always will be. But that's not what I'm talking about..

Here are some examples... very small and insignificant things, but these are the things that make me realize that there is someone...something missing in my everyday life... When I'm in the supermarket shopping... I reach for the things that Gag enjoyed eating, then put them back... like the brand of coffee he preferred or the kind of orange juice he liked etc. .. A load of laundry is missing from the usual pile... his usual spot on the table or the sofa is empty... we ask for a table for 3 in stead of 4 when out... junk mail still arriving with his name on it...or having to explain to the telemarketer on the other line why they should never call back and ask for him... and of course the worse...not hearing him whisper "sweet dreams" before I close my eyes every night.
You see where I'm getting at here??? So... how can I be the same person??

I undoubtedly can not... and most likely will not ever be the same person, but that is human nature... we change with each experience, be it a joyous one like becoming a parent... or a painful one such as loosing a loved one. The difficult task, aside from dealing with the pain and usual symptoms of a grieving heart... is learning to adjust to these changes, learning to like yourself again, to get to know yourself once again, and ultimately accepting these changes within yourself, so that you can live with yourself again... Of course this journey presents yet another challenge... which is having your loved ones and your friends learn to accept these changes as well. For many years they are used to you being a certain way, and now at times your behaviour throws them off, which leads them to believe that you "must be" in trouble or in need of help. Where in reality, you yourself are confused and are learning to adjust.

We humans are a very interesting species to say the least, but what amazes me time and time again is the amount of things we can handle that gets thrown our way in this life of ours. And the majority of us do end up surviving.. conquering.. and gaining a greater understanding of our inner layers. I think the first step in adjusting to these changes is accepting and understanding them. And yes, at times you want that inner "fetal position" to win.. because on some days that's all you want to do, and it's ok to give in at all us humans need that position from time to time, but we can not indulge in that too often, because ultimately we will lose, and we will not only lose ourselves, but in the process will lose everything we love.

So... the journey continues, having learned a lot... yet so much more to be learned still..

I am here, learning... adjusting... accepting... struggling.... surviving and conquering... some patience!


  1. Such a wonderful self re-evaluation and shows the strength and inner beauty of a soul that is learning to heal and deal with the world that is changed. I applaud your words and found this a marvelous reinforcement of my monthly, weekly and sometimes daily re-evaluation of myself. Mahalo my friend.


  2. Such a lucid, and enlightened perspective on such a complex and often misunderstood and even feared topic. Change. They say the only person that likes change is a wet baby. LOL but I say change in all its forms is an essential element of our evolution as a species and as individuals. Well put Mari jan You time and time again demonstrate your deep and profound understanding of life and its intricacies. Its a blessing to have you share our lives and an honor to call you family.

  3. thank you philip and mahalo to you.
    to the anonymous comment, please sign your name so i know which family member is so fond of me :))

  4. I also find it so odd that one's friends and family can not accept change, especially positive change, in one. It seems so selfish ... I have a hard time reconciling that non-acceptance with love. Except, I guess, that it is part of being human and complicated.

  5. Thank you so much for sharing this. I think you are an incredibly strong woman and I'm honored to know you, even if only on my little screen. Your words have substance, and while it makes my heart ache just reading them, I know that we really do survive the toughest of times.
    *hugs to you*

  6. Thank you.

    Although my situation is not nearly the same, I can say I had similar thoughts today. My ex told me that he is getting married to his high school sweet heart in May.

    On one hand, I am happy for him as we were married out of circumstance not love or companionship. At the same time, what went through my mind was all of the changes I've gone through since the divorce and how many more will be coming my way as I welcome another person into my life.

    So, although my situation is not nearly the same as yours, I truly thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings because I can definitely identify on a day like today.


  7. Such clear, beautiful thoughts written in the most logical sequence. Brilliant piece. And yes, of course ure not nearly the same person anymore. But i guess thats why its called growth. TO grow, we change.

  8. Do you know Thomas Moore, author of "Care of the Soul"? He's a favorite of mine. Has a fab web site. I was reading him the other day and understood why I enjoy your writing so much. You write from that soul place. A deep place that I find real and fascinating. I've found a quote from his site that I thought you'd like: "The life of the soul is slow, downward, deep, connected, entangled, local, and full of fantasy and imagination. It doesn't enjoy facts nearly as much as stories. It basks in tradition and finds its heaven in family and neighborhood and the unchanging, haunting figurations of nature. ("

  9. Yes hun, we always live and learn.We change as we get older. And remember God will never give you something that you can not take. I know sometimes or everytime you think it is not fear and it is too hard to take the road of being lonely and emthy inside,
    but as you go and look back you see that everything changes but you adjust with the situation. It is going to be 3 months that he is not with you physicly you see alot of changes in you and your behavior it is ok its just normal, you are just trying to adjust in this new world that you are in. You know what they say "Time will Heal". That is very true saying. I know but we have to take this new road sometime in our lives in one way or anther.

    Warm hug and love

    Ani S and her daughter Elizabeth

  10. I love reflecting and analyzing too, and appreciate that quality to some extent in others. Although I sometimes drive myself nuts with the over analyzing. But when I don't do it to that extent, it's just wonderful, because you appreciate life's beauties with that same level of depth, and know yourself so well. And what you need. And also know how and when to appreciate others in your life. The time and place.


  11. of course you will have some changes in you, and i agree with all of you, but don't forget you have 2 smart, handsome, beautiful, big boys. they will fill your life with joy, happiness, problems etc... and you still will be our marinik, mom, sister, friend, etc...
    love mom

  12. Yes, yes, do you know that last Easter, I went to pick up the phone, to call my Dad. It was a year, since he had passed. I kind of chuckled and felt a sense of calm, come over me.
    I send you light and love.
    I have something for you, I will have to email it to you, soon.

  13. this was a truly beautiful post. i love your perspective on things. very inspiring.

  14. i think you are so brave and strong to be writing about all this. i cannot imagine how hard it will be. but self reflection is a good thing. and by sharing them here you inspire so many of us.

  15. You are so wise and brave Mari, I'm so glad I 'know' you. Your grace and courage throughout your trials is a wonder to behold...Gag is smiling on you with pride and love. And your boys are so lucky to learn from you.

    Life will find a new rhythmn and pace eventually, but you'll never let go of these 'changes' and you'll never want to. It's right to have moments of longing, sadness, nostalgia and fury at the injustice of it all.

    Hugs to you xx

  16. Your words ring so true, Mari. And they elicit questions within me. For example, I wonder who you were before your 17 years with Gag and who you would be today had you not had him in your life?

    You grew with him, and you will grow without him. But more importantly, you grew and continue to grow because of him.

    That makes you so very blessed!

  17. This note is just to say I'm glad I somehow found the person that's You!

    Now I shall try to see if I am able to post on your blog & if so, then this is the start of many comments yet to come...

    From my corner of bisetka to yours <3