still learning....

Having been a Psych major in collage, and an overall nut about all things human... our behaviour, our inner senses that are a very delicate and complicated web... our reactions to things... our undying quest for self and purpose....
This past experience has also been a very interesting time for me from an observation stand. I don't know about you, but I am always examining and reexamining myself, my thoughts, the way I handle situations, emotions etc... I have always been that way, but after studying the human psyche and reading quite a bit on the subject, I think I've become more and more aware of this interest of mine.

Naturally... after a person goes through a major ordeal like the one I've been through the past couple of years, your emotional and psychological state goes through a whirlwind of ups and downs, and many sessions of crashes and reboots... But in the end, somehow, we still survive...some may even say conquer ourselves and our inner daemons that so often, (in some people) win the battle.

There are so many changes I've noticed within my very character, some so noticeable that friends and family have pointed them out as well. But... how much of it is normal and how much alarming?? That is the real question... and actually how much of it should be embraced and how much should be shaken off??

Of course I'm different... how can I possibly be the same person? When I've lived the past seventeen years of my life with another person, with whom I've shared most of my days, thoughts, emotions, my joys, pains and sorrows with. Someone to be responsible for and someone who was responsible for me, someone whom I made plans with, did things for, cared for, worried about... And now... that person who was my ever present breath next to me is no longer there... and ya I know what you're going to say... he's still here and always will be. But that's not what I'm talking about..

Here are some examples... very small and insignificant things, but these are the things that make me realize that there is someone...something missing in my everyday life... When I'm in the supermarket shopping... I reach for the things that Gag enjoyed eating, then put them back... like the brand of coffee he preferred or the kind of orange juice he liked etc. .. A load of laundry is missing from the usual pile... his usual spot on the table or the sofa is empty... we ask for a table for 3 in stead of 4 when out... junk mail still arriving with his name on it...or having to explain to the telemarketer on the other line why they should never call back and ask for him... and of course the worse...not hearing him whisper "sweet dreams" before I close my eyes every night.
You see where I'm getting at here??? So... how can I be the same person??

I undoubtedly can not... and most likely will not ever be the same person, but that is human nature... we change with each experience, be it a joyous one like becoming a parent... or a painful one such as loosing a loved one. The difficult task, aside from dealing with the pain and usual symptoms of a grieving heart... is learning to adjust to these changes, learning to like yourself again, to get to know yourself once again, and ultimately accepting these changes within yourself, so that you can live with yourself again... Of course this journey presents yet another challenge... which is having your loved ones and your friends learn to accept these changes as well. For many years they are used to you being a certain way, and now at times your behaviour throws them off, which leads them to believe that you "must be" in trouble or in need of help. Where in reality, you yourself are confused and are learning to adjust.

We humans are a very interesting species to say the least, but what amazes me time and time again is the amount of things we can handle that gets thrown our way in this life of ours. And the majority of us do end up surviving.. conquering.. and gaining a greater understanding of our inner layers. I think the first step in adjusting to these changes is accepting and understanding them. And yes, at times you want that inner "fetal position" to win.. because on some days that's all you want to do, and it's ok to give in at times...as all us humans need that position from time to time, but we can not indulge in that too often, because ultimately we will lose, and we will not only lose ourselves, but in the process will lose everything we love.

So... the journey continues, having learned a lot... yet so much more to be learned still..

I am here, learning... adjusting... accepting... struggling.... surviving and conquering...


love...peace...joy...and some patience!