Friday, July 31, 2009

the road to recovery...

It's morning again.... I wake up every morning with a very heavy heart... perhaps hoping as I open my eyes, that... I was having a nightmare and that all is well, but.... still wake up to this cruel reality.

On some mornings I am able to shake it off, get busy and find the positive of the day... and other times... I just want to retreat into a dark corner and wallow in my pain. This is that morning.

I lay there in bed and start thinking, and the more I think the more I am reminded of this terrible situation we're in now. Every moment of every day he is on my mind, I miss his presence... then my mind goes on a speeding train and the "what ifs" start to surface....
what if I can't do the best I can for the boys???
what if I'm not strong enough to get through life with pain in my heart???
what if I can't shake off this misery and can't recover???
what if the boys are faced with things I can't handle???

Yes... I have been strong till now, but this pain in my heart wasn't as suffocating...
And perhaps it's ok to feel this way for a little while, perhaps I don't have to be fine right away and continue life as if nothing has happened, perhaps this is how you grieve,
I just hope we can recover....
And as much as I just want to go back to bed and wallow some more... responsibilities call me...

perhaps a depressing post today, but just as important to have said these words... why else am I blogging???
thanks for lending an ear....

love... peace... joy...

6 comments:

  1. Marin jan, emotional roller coasters are a part of grieving...Yes, that is how you grieve... It's only "natural", since you've lost an amazing husband and an amazing father to your children...
    Take one day at a time...Don't stress yourself unnecessarily with "what if's" ...Give yourself time to go through all the emotions.You have to allow yourself to feel them, no matter how overwhelming they may get... It will only do you harm in a long run if you try to surpress them now...
    Only TIME will allow you see things in a different light...only TIME will help you ease your unbearable pain...only TIME will give you strenght and wisdom to go on without your love...
    It WILL get easier Marin! But not yet...it's too soon...

    You are blessed with two wonderful boys. Arman's caring and protective nature is already very apparent...The three of you WILL go on and you'll always carry with you those beautiful memories you've created with Gago!

    We all love you and the boys very much and we're all there for you always...
    Love you,

    Aniko

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  2. what you feel is part of the process...one thing that amazed me about death is just how painful tit is...i was not prepared for the pain I felt...i am thinking of you and your boys.

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  3. My friend, there is no template for grief. It is personal and palpable, and it will have its own flow and ebb. No one can prepare you for what lies ahead because no one truly knows. Not even you. Each journey is different. All you can do is your best to get through each day the best you can and hope that tomorrow will be better. All you can do is hold on to the very love and memories that today cause you grief because one day they will be the source of your greatest joy. All you can do is continue to love those who are dear the best you can today. Your best will always be more than enough. Your love will always be more than enough.

    All I ask of you is that you are kind to yourself during this process. Your honesty and your heart were meant to be shared, so we thank you for that...for letting us know how deeply you are feeling this pain. And while it is normal to wonder about what might have been or what could be, it does no service to you or to your boys for you to worry about what may come. It is enough to know that whatever does come, you will get through it together. You must trust each other and mostly yourself and know that on any day and in every situation your best is good enough!

    Mari, you are in the process of giving birth to a new life, a different life, one that you never expected and didn't prepare for. And just like any birthing process, there is pain and fear and fatigue and, yes, even a certain excitement. It's difficult for you to imagine that you will love this new life, this new baby, but you will. You will come to appreciate what you and the boys create together. Just be patient with yourself and allow yourself whatever you need to get through this...one day at a time.

    Every journey begins with one step. And in every journey we sometimes take one step forward, then two steps back. But we are moving. And with movement there is action. And with action there is life. And with life there is growth. Praying for peace and gentleness in your journey.

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  4. two simple thoughts:

    You can!

    and

    Yes it is ok!

    ~ Peace
    Philip

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  5. Prayers...for you...and the boys....
    Love,
    S

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  6. ...My comment is going to be for Sue G.
    It is amazing how she always has sooo much to give, to pamper with, to fulfill with her words...
    I usually catch your notes right after you post them and after reading them I keep wanting to come back and see what Mrs. Sue G. wrote.
    I wish I could be as wise as her and generous and giving at the same time... She always calms every situation of yours with her magical, powerful words like she has seen it all.
    I think I have left a comment for her before and I wanna write again and thank her for giving sooo much! I learn allot from her!
    Thank you Mrs. Sue G.,
    Love,
    Hilma

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