Friday, July 24, 2009

just a few words...

My dear friends.... I seem to have a bit of trouble putting words together... and that is perhaps to be expected....

But, I feel... I need to express a few thoughts....

First of all, let me just say.... the journey was tough... the past few days have been surreal.... and the path that lays ahead seems to be even tougher...

Let me also share with you the images on my mind from all the ceremonies of the past few days...
I'm so thankful to all of our family and friends for being such a big support during this horrid time in our home, I've been so blessed by all of your presence and love.

The wake... what can I say about that evening... with a usual Gagik manner... everything went smoothly, there was a certain light and ease about the place... his light spirit was ever present, and the strength he passed on to us was powerful. I had prepared a slide show of his life.... Nicole sang a beautiful song which she had composed.... my brother read some words put together by a friend of Gag's who couldn't attend.... we had live duduk (Armenian flute) music in the background... and I read the poem I had written for him some time ago, which I had not planned to do, but was thrust to do so by a force from within. My boys stood tall and strong by my side and we gave one another strength to get through that night.

The cremation... A very private, calm, serene... goodbye was said by a small group of us who loved him the most... and the boys pushed the button and said goodbye to dad... we felt so light and the heaviness was lifted from our hearts that day...

The burial... As requested by Gag... half of his ashes were buried today... along with it we all put some sentimental items in the box and once again said goodbye to Gag...

As he was in life.... simple...calm...joyous...beautiful...pure... as did all the ceremonies proceeded...

And as the days give into nights and the sun comes up again and again... I see how difficult it is going to get still.... for all of us. We miss him....

I miss his hands and the way he held me....
I miss his lips and the gentle way he kissed my neck....
I miss his loving eyes and the way he looked at me...with the glance that implied so much....
I miss his voice and the long talks we had....
This list can go on and on..
And I see now, as I knew it from before... as much as I feel the love he left behind in my heart and the memories that linger in my soul.... his physical absence is what's going to be very challenging for me to get used to... and I know with time it will get easier....but.....!

There are many more thoughts to be shared, and stories to be told.... a few unexplained things that took place around his passing.... Michael's arrival and the timing....
Another day my friends... all will be written about...

Thank you all for being with me through this journey...every word you wrote stayed with me and warmed my heart....I thank you!


  1. Thank you for your generosity, Mari, for only a generous heart could take the time to share some of her thoughts as she wades through this new process of grieving. While I know the days and weeks and months ahead will continue to be a challenge as well as a learning period for you and the boys, I am comforted by the power of the love Gagik has showered upon you. Because of the richness and strength in his ability to love and live his life so beautifully and so well, I know that you will face life without his physical presence assured that you were loved. No time was wasted, no moment escaped that knowing and the security of that love. You will a life without regret for what you should have done because you did all and more than was expected. Neither one of you fell short or withheld yourselves from each other. How many of us can say that.

    I read a blog entry this week from a friend who just lost his little girl to cancer. Someone sent him a card that gave him great peace. The card said it better than I am saying it to you, so I will leave you with its one simple sentance...

    All that love could do was done.

    I await your updates, your stories, your sharing. I am honored to be able to make this journey with you. We are strangers brought together by cancer and kept together by something much larger.

    About the size of a heart filled with gratitude and love.

  2. Oh Mari...what a tough time. There is such a thing as a beautiful funeral, and it sounds like Gag's was just that. A fitting farewell to a great man. Your boys are such a credit to you and Gag, you must feel so proud that they are standing tall at this, the worst of days for them.

    I hope you have good 'real life' friends and family to look after a support you through these dark days. Be kind and gentle to yourself, one moment at a time.

    Indeed, 'all that love could do was done'.

    He is still with you, and will be forever. I still have a relationship with my mother, ten years after she died. We chatter, I hear her voice, her laughter, her words of wisdom every day..and whenever I feel 'stuck' or have a problem and wonder what to do for the best, and wish my mother was alive to help me puzzle it out...ta da! Her words come to me. I always know what she would like me to do in a certain situation; it will be the same for you. Gag does not have to be physically present to be 'in' your life.

    Warm hugs to you xxxx

  3. Thank you for keeping us in the loop. We miss Gag, too and want to hear more.

  4. we'll be walking with you in the days to come.

  5. thank you for sharing Mari. I am so thankful that it was such a beatiful funeral for your family.We are here with you, at every step Mari, holding your hands. Very proud of the boys too.

  6. so good to hear from you. i've been wondering how you and your children are doing. peace & love.

  7. As Jennifer put it "we'll be walking with you in the days to come".

    Here I was on vacation without a computer all week long and when I got back yours was the first I checked on. I wanted to make sure you were still with us and from your beautiful words I see you are.

    Just know that all of us hold you are your family in our thoughts and meditations.

    Peace my friend.

  8. thank you sharing your feelings & thoughts with us.. i know it's a tough time with you & your boys. we are all by your side through this hard tragic times. it's gonna be a challenge for all of you guys but you've been strong all this time & you will continue to be strong. whenever you have no more strength just remember your boys are looking up to you & you guys will always remember his and the good joyful times you guys have had together.

    -Ani S.

  9. Just checking in to say "hi" and to see if you have written anything more. I know that whatever space you are taking is necessary, and i applaud you for having the wisdom to do what is best for you and your family.

    Just to let you know I am here, and I care. A lot.

  10. Thank you for your beautiful heart-felt sharing. What courage you have. How brave and wonderful you are. I asked my sister in law (who's husband died after a heart attack) for words of comfort for you. She said to tell you that your true love is not gone, he's really just in the next room.
    I hope and pray this is a comfort.