Tuesday, July 28, 2009

life without Gag....

I stopped by our shop yesterday... and everywhere I turned... every shelf, every drywall, every drop sealing, every wire, every counter...was him. He built, and built every bit of that place with his own two hands, his own sweat dripping from his forehead. As I walked around the office... looking at the countless "best coach" soccer plaques and the sample pictures he had printed on the walls... it took me back to so many memories we've had there, hours of talks we've had about the changes that needed to be made... the clients that needed to be taken care of...all the little decisions we needed to make... what color the door should be painted after the many renovations.... In other words the shop is our other baby, one that we both have nurtured together and one where he has spent many sleepless nights with.
I felt sad at first...as I missed him being there... but then I realized that this too is a part of him he left behind and this too will enrich our lives.... Arman by the way has started going to the shop a few hours a week, helping out with the workload and kinda keeping an eye on things... so sweet... my little man.

On the way home, I passed by the coffee shop where we walked to on some mornings holding hands... strolling along the sidewalk...like we had not a care in the world. We would get our coffee and talk about the work day ahead. I'd always rush... he would always slow me down..."where are you rushing to???". So typical of Gag, take things slow in life.... As I drove by, my eye caught a glimpse of the table where we sat... and I found myself drowning in tears again...

Visited his mom in the evening with the boys.... she too found herself drowning in her own tears and pain as she held on to the boys tightly... trying to get a bit of Gagik out of them... how deep is her pain??? She is a reminder of him for me... as we are a reminder of him for her. And some of those great memories are a bit painful for the time being but still warm our hearts... and that is what we have to keep us going.

Had dinner at Gag's favorite Chinese restaurant, and I could tell the boys got a bit emotional as we sat there glancing over the menu. Arman started making us laugh to lighten the mood (dad's son... always the joker). As we talked about what dad liked on the menu, I explained that it was ok to talk about him, and even though it hearts a lot, but it also makes us laugh, and remembering him will always keep him in our hearts and therefore in our lives.

At the end of the day... when I look at the boys, kiss them goodnight, that is when I feel that we will get through this together. They are all the strength I need and I have enough love for them both...

Life will go on... with many tears... many laughs...but always surrounded by love (his and mine).



  1. I was sooo waiting to hear from you..

    Mar, I love this world of yours... although, it is very sad, specially in these days, emotional, touchy, but there is always light, there is always love, there is always inspiration for something, and there is always hope!

    ... it is more than a book can give, it is more than a music can do ...

    I still wonder about how you read all this to Gagik... but I'm sure it is the best gift you have ever given to him !!!

    w/much love,

  2. I am very sorrowed to know. May God give you the strength to continue the journey. We are from Him and into Him is our return.

  3. Mari:

    Your heart is so tender. You have a gift to be able to see a much bigger picture than the one wrapped only in pain and sorrow. You always find your way back to the truth, which is the love you shared and continue to share.

    May you always listen to your heart because it will always steer you back to the love.

    Love never fails. Love never leaves. Love never dies.

    Love lives.

    Love is eternal.

    Love is truth.

  4. Beautiful. made me smile and misty eyed at the same tim. hugs to you and the boys.

  5. Such beautiful words, you write with such poise and grace x I posted yesterday about grief, and thought of you as I was writing.

    Hugs to you x

  6. i visited your blog today for the first time, came over from soul aperture. my eyes are filled with tears. ten years ago we lost a beloved husband and father. my four children were young, the oldest 20, the youngest just 8. my heart goes out to you and your boys.

  7. Hello sweetheart~
    As I walked along the water yesterday, I thought about you and your family, especially Gag. I go to the water to pray, to be one with life. Release my feelings. I saw the most beautiful horizon and thought of Gag, along with my father David. I am convinced they have found one another in heaven by now. ; )
    I'm sending you love, my dear friend.
    What beautiful memories you are sharing with us.

  8. Hey Mari,

    this post was by far the best post i have read. you and the boys cherishing and honouring Gag the way you are is inspirational. Thinking of you all the time and praying hard.