I found myself on this blog recently searching through my posts for something I had written some time ago. This of course is sort of like organizing your photo boxes, you find yourself 5 hours later elbow deep in old photos and reminiscing, daydreaming, lost in the past with good and bad memories..
Needless to say, that's just about what happened with my blog search. I have gone through my posts in the past, sometimes I need to come back here and remember... However something was different this time. Every time I opened a post, read a few lines of it and just moved on, searched for another post and another and so on. Very few of them still had a hold on me, made me stop and read and still moved me, without tears this time though.
This I believe is a good sign, it's a sign that I have reread, relived, re-imagined pretty much all of what this experience meant to me. It's a sign that I have had my grief, lived it, hurt through it, learned and grew from it and am pretty much just over it. I'm done thinking about it, done feeling for it, done analyzing and dissecting it and even done craving it. Yes sounds strange doesn't it? Craving it, yes we humans feel the need to be sad sometimes, we want to feel the pain, we want to relive the tragedy that we so desperately try to forget and get over. We do this just to make sure we don't forget, because we are afraid of what will happen when we forget and start feeling good again. It feels wrong to us to forget and to "get over" something so horrible such as the death of your soulmate...
When one reaches a place where one does not need something anymore, I believe that is the time to walk away from whatever it is you were needing. It means you have made your peace, you've accepted that which was thrown your way whether you wanted it or not. You have overcome it. It means that your brain has processed this experience every which way it needed to, your heart has endured all the pain it can for it, your eyes have cried their tears dry. Once you have inhaled deeply, filling your lungs with all of it, you've taken it all in, you are ready now to finally exhale into the universe. You keep what you need inside and let the rest of it float up into the sky, and that is the point at which you just let go of it.
It doesn't mean you forget the person or the very thing that caused or was the center of that storm that blew through your core, it just means you forget the grief, the pain and the hardship that came with the storm. You forget the heartache, you forget the moments that made you want to lock yourself in a dark room and not see, feel or hear anything. You forget how low you can feel at times and how utterly disappointed at life those moments made you feel. You forget all of the ugliness that pretty much molded you into this weathered, somewhat broken, a bit harsher yet a bit wiser and into this beautiful being who you are today because of this very experience. Yes, you forget the process, the lessons, the daily struggle of surviving and getting through it, you forget all of it. What you don't forget however is how to be this, the person you are today, you don't forget how to be you, because you are who you are now because you walked it, that path was yours and yours alone. You don't have to look back to see where you were and how you got here necessarily, you just have to keep going, but definitely with a greater sense of yourself and of what you are capable of getting through and conquering.
The world, all of a sudden doesn't seem all that scary and big anymore. Nothing seems impossible or unreachable. It's like that epic moment at the end of a film where the hero stands tall, with the unknown road up ahead, brushes the dust off his shoulder and keeps walking.. a bit poetic and corny I know but you get the picture.
So, having said all this. I'm happy to report that I'm ready to close this blog, exhale it into the universe-she says as she brushes the dust off her shoulder. Ready to walk away and let it go.
It's been quite the journey..
Onto the next one..
Needless to say, that's just about what happened with my blog search. I have gone through my posts in the past, sometimes I need to come back here and remember... However something was different this time. Every time I opened a post, read a few lines of it and just moved on, searched for another post and another and so on. Very few of them still had a hold on me, made me stop and read and still moved me, without tears this time though.
This I believe is a good sign, it's a sign that I have reread, relived, re-imagined pretty much all of what this experience meant to me. It's a sign that I have had my grief, lived it, hurt through it, learned and grew from it and am pretty much just over it. I'm done thinking about it, done feeling for it, done analyzing and dissecting it and even done craving it. Yes sounds strange doesn't it? Craving it, yes we humans feel the need to be sad sometimes, we want to feel the pain, we want to relive the tragedy that we so desperately try to forget and get over. We do this just to make sure we don't forget, because we are afraid of what will happen when we forget and start feeling good again. It feels wrong to us to forget and to "get over" something so horrible such as the death of your soulmate...
When one reaches a place where one does not need something anymore, I believe that is the time to walk away from whatever it is you were needing. It means you have made your peace, you've accepted that which was thrown your way whether you wanted it or not. You have overcome it. It means that your brain has processed this experience every which way it needed to, your heart has endured all the pain it can for it, your eyes have cried their tears dry. Once you have inhaled deeply, filling your lungs with all of it, you've taken it all in, you are ready now to finally exhale into the universe. You keep what you need inside and let the rest of it float up into the sky, and that is the point at which you just let go of it.
It doesn't mean you forget the person or the very thing that caused or was the center of that storm that blew through your core, it just means you forget the grief, the pain and the hardship that came with the storm. You forget the heartache, you forget the moments that made you want to lock yourself in a dark room and not see, feel or hear anything. You forget how low you can feel at times and how utterly disappointed at life those moments made you feel. You forget all of the ugliness that pretty much molded you into this weathered, somewhat broken, a bit harsher yet a bit wiser and into this beautiful being who you are today because of this very experience. Yes, you forget the process, the lessons, the daily struggle of surviving and getting through it, you forget all of it. What you don't forget however is how to be this, the person you are today, you don't forget how to be you, because you are who you are now because you walked it, that path was yours and yours alone. You don't have to look back to see where you were and how you got here necessarily, you just have to keep going, but definitely with a greater sense of yourself and of what you are capable of getting through and conquering.
The world, all of a sudden doesn't seem all that scary and big anymore. Nothing seems impossible or unreachable. It's like that epic moment at the end of a film where the hero stands tall, with the unknown road up ahead, brushes the dust off his shoulder and keeps walking.. a bit poetic and corny I know but you get the picture.
So, having said all this. I'm happy to report that I'm ready to close this blog, exhale it into the universe-she says as she brushes the dust off her shoulder. Ready to walk away and let it go.
It's been quite the journey..
Onto the next one..
