it's that time of your life..

You know how we're always using some famous quotes about life?... "Life is too short".. "Gotta live for the moment".. "It's now or never!".. etc. You get the picture.. Well it seems we are mostly preaching and hardly ever practicing.  Sometimes it's good to follow your own advice and really do just that!.. "it's now or never" or perhaps a new one I just came up with, "it's that time of your life" and you can quote me on that!

We all have dreams, after all it's part of being human to dream, to wish, to hope for and to reach towards those dreams.  Unfortunately most of us just live our day to day lives, going through the usual ups and downs of life and making the best of it, and it may be a comfortable place we have reached and are content with our lives.. but that little dream is still in our head whispering every now and then... reminding us that there was something extraordinary we dreamed of at one point.  Well, I believe we all reach a point in our lives where this dream may have a window, a perfect moment of execution if you will, of going from our imagination to becoming a reality.  The important thing is to identify this little gap, this tiny moment of opportunity for this dream to be lived out.  Although other things in life or the universe may seem not so aligned for this perfect moment but, it seems to be a perfect time in your life... and why not take that leap and live that dream, one would simply be a fool not to.

Where am I going with this?.. Well I've always dreamed of living in Greece, and timing was never right, that tiny gap of opportunity never presented itself.. until now that is.  Needless to say I jumped at the right moment and decided to take a leap and try something I've been dreaming of for some time now, we'll never know until we try right?!   Since I've sold the shop, I work freelance yes but nothing definite of a carreer that I'm messing up by leaving.  We have a place to stay in Greece.  The country may not be in it's best shape at the moment, but as I said it's not the perfect time in the universe that matters only that it's that time in our lives that's perfect for this move.  The kids were the only thing I was concerned about, since I would not go anywhere without them.  When I asked last year after our visit to Greece if they would want to live there... they were hesitant and so I dropped the subject for good.  Until a couple of months ago when they came to me and said that they were thinking about giving it a try.  Imagine my surprise and joy, at the same time the relief I felt that perhaps the time has come and perhaps it's actually going to unfold, this dream of mine...

Fast forward two months, and here we are, I'm sitting in my parents apartment in Thessaloniki, having some tea and writing my first blog about this journey we are on.  It was a busy two months to say the least, it seems you can't just up and leave your home, lot's to do and organize.  Work needed to be finished, home cleaned and sorted as I've rented out my home for the time being.  And saying our goodbys were not easy.  But we did it! Made a decision, stuck to it and made it happen. We will be here for a few months, testing the waters and seeing if this really is a dream we can live with.  It will not be easy, but it will be interesting and more importantly it will be an adventure none  of us will ever forget.  The boys are very excited to be in a new place, trying new things.  They will be taking a semester off of their studies, but think of all the things this experience will teach them.  This will be an interesting challenge for them to see how well they can adapt and I think this is a great opportunity for us three to pull together and bond as the family of three that we are now.

Like I said, it's that time of our lives, perfect little gap in life.  It's now or never.
I'll be writing more about our lives here, the ups and down, the good, the bad and even the ugly.. and of course the beautiful :)

Peace and Light to you my friends.

Reflecting...

At the start of this year when I closed down the shop and decided to turn the page if you will, and go forth onto new chapters of life, I wanted to take some time to rest, perhaps rejuvenate and get a fresh new perspective.  So, I've been pretty much doing that for the past few months... whatever "that" indicates..  Other than occupying myself with little projects here and there, and spending time at home, I've been doing a lot of reflecting as well.  Lots to think about..  It has been a great time to finally mourn my loss, to sulk, to cry, to remember, to forgive and to just grieve in peace..

For about four years now, since Gag's heart attach which led to the surgery, then the cancer that consumed our lives, and the tough journey after his death it has been quite a chapter to say the least.  As I think back now, I mostly see a lot of darkness, pain, stress, sadness and as well as learning, discovery, love, closeness and even a few smiles and moments of joy... But all this has been quite exhausting to take in. Having said that, I still believe and always have, that things happen for a reason, they happen when they are supposed to happen and in the matter in which they happen, if that makes sense.  This is one of the realizations that I've come to in the process of this reflection... After Gag passed away, and honestly speaking even while he was ill and struggling, I had a lot to deal with, but most of the stress was coming from the steady decline and deterioration of the shop - our livelihood.  In other words I didn't have time in my day to really sit and think about what was going on, or what had just happened, when he passed on..  No time for sulking, crying all day in my bed, feeling the deepness of the loss.  Most days I had to keep strong for my boys, for family and had way too much to worry about, so as much as Gag was on my mind every second of the day... he had, let's just say taken the back seat. I just didn't have the "luxury" or the chance to really mourn him, I couldn't!  And whenever I did, I lost myself and couldn't function.  Life needed me, everyone needed me, so I had to put my pain and feelings way on the back burner and forget about it...

Well it eventually boiled over leaving me exposed to it's harshness, unarmed and frail.  However, I think all that happened for a reason too, perhaps that was a good way for me to let the storm pass, meaning it might have made the first two years without him more bearable. Don't get me wrong it was hell on roller skates... very straining, incredibly difficult, absolutely crushing and just too damn hard on me.  We solved every little problem we had in life together, Gag and I.  We were true partners in work and life, so to deal with the crumbling of the shop, the place he had built with his sweat and countless hours, was way too hard to deal with on my own.  This was his work, his life, our bread and it was sinking fast and taking me down with it.  All the while I was trying to keep it afloat giving it all I had, which wasn't good enough and eventually I had to let go of the rope.  It was the toughest decision I had ever made, and it did take me two years to really accept the fact that it was over and there was nothing I could do to save it.  Perhaps this time the captain took the boat down with him.. And through that very tough time I couldn't cry enough for Gag, or sit in silence thinking of him, feeling the love he left behind, no time for the anger or the denial that should follow the loss.  Again perhaps that is the way it had to be, so that the pain was lighter on me... do I thank him for this? Which process would've been worse? I don't know the answers.  All I know is that I finally got to mourn, which has lifted my heart and has given my soul the chance to let go, to breath, to look up and smile and to dream again... So it would appear that it's true, you do need time to grieve and cry and mourn and accept and get angry and let go.. otherwise you can't be whole again.

The things we learn the hard way....

There are a few things I want to say to all that have been in my life and have shared my pain..
I'd like to apologize to my loved ones and to my family for not being emotionally available, for not giving you a shoulder to cry on or to hear your troubles, as I always did before.  I'd like to say sorry to my boys for crying in front of them and for the moments of weakness they saw in me, to my parents I'm sorry for giving you more to worry about.  I'd like to apologize to my friends for not being there socially, for good times and bad... To Gag for getting angry at you for leaving me and for the few moments a day when I forget.  I'd also like to thank the few in my heart for always being there even when I said I didn't need them (because I really did).  I want to say thank you to my lovely boys who give me so much to live for. Thanks to Gagik for all the love and the lifetime of memories that help me go on, thank you for the times you've helped me up, even now.  In the end I'd like to apologize to myself for not being kind at times and for doubting myself..

What doesn't kill us definitely makes us stronger...

Peace, live joyously and well..

Thanks you for lending an ear again and again..

Something new to write about

Hi dear friends, just a quick note.. I've started a new blog, because I was asked by a local online newsletter/publication if I would blog about my little town and the community.  Of course I jumped at the opportunity.  So swing by and check it out, I'm very excited to have great new people and things to write about.

This new blog is dedicated to the town of Eagle Rock, it's people and the stories behind the faces of the community I have come to love. Everyone has walked a path that has led them to this moment and place in time, this is where their stories will be shared. Let me introduce you to my town and show you why I have come to call it home. Welcome to Eagle Rock!

Here's the first post:
http://mytowneaglerock.blogspot.com/2012/03/late-night-tacos-served-with-smile.html?spref=fb

Fundraiser update from Armenia

Hello dearest friends, I'm very happy to be able to share this great news with all of you.  With the help of all your great contributions, I was able to make this wish of mine a reality.  Your donations reached Armenia, found a great home and now I have received word that the playground for which the funds were to be used for is almost complete.  They have sent me some photos of the work in progress and this makes me very happy and grateful for having such amazing and supportive friends and family around me.  Thank you all very much!

Let me tell you a little about this organization that I'm very happy to have helped out.  When I arrived in Armenia I had two very important goals.  One was to have Gagik's ashes spread all around the grounds of Edjmiatsin and the other was to make sure the funds I had collected with the fundraiser reached a worthy cause.  The first part went as planned and brought peace to my heart at last...  However the donation part was becoming a bit of a challenge. Phone call after phone call to orphanages around the city left me with closed doors.  They didn't want me to do anything for the kids, they all just wanted the funds, and because I wanted to be more involved with where the funds were to be spent I wasn't happy about this arrangement.. We've all heard horror stories about donations and the corrupt way in which they are distributed, but we will not get into that now.

Through a friend I met a very humble and kind man Ashot, who is the director at a great international organization that has been providing warmth and comfort to orphans around the world since 1949.  SOS Children's Villages and the work they do blew me away... First off when I spoke to Ashot on the phone he said that they are not in need of anything, and that the organization provides for everything... this was a shocker for me.  But he would be more than happy if we wanted to spend some time and visit the kids at the village.  So this is how these villages work.. A village is built with 5 to 10 homes on the grounds.  Each home is assigned a "mother" and an "aunt", the mother must be between the ages of 30 to 45(about), single and without children of her own.  Each mother then is given between 4 to 8 kids to care for and raise as her own, they all live in this home as a family unit with the aunt helping out.  The children attend public school with the rest of the kids in the neighborhood and have a small sense of normalcy.  One of the my favorite things about this organization is that unlike other state orphanages the kids are not kicked out at 18 with no skills, jobs or homes and are forced to fend for themselves with any means possible.  SOS organization takes them through their early adult life, still providing a place to live and teaching them a trait of some kind, helping them find jobs etc.  This I think is a much better way of sending these kids out into the world to live and better their lives.

Needless to say I fell in love with this organization, the village which is built in the town of Ijevan, nestled in the hills and the staff of wonderful people who have bonded and have created a beautiful family.  The kids are mostly brought here after the family abandoned or abused them, each with a very sad story.... But they are all very well taken care of, love their "mothers" and all call Ashot uncle.  It was a beautiful family unit we saw and I knew this is where I wanted to contribute.  After walking the grounds with Ashot we realized that the kids don't have a playground where they can have fun and release some energy with laughter, as all kids should.  And that my friends is exactly what we did.... Now it gives me great joy to know that with each child's laughter on that playground Gagik's spirit will be celebrated.  It warms my heart...

Once again all this was made possible by all the generosity you have all shown me.. Words are not enough for me to express my gratitude... May you all find yourselves at one point or another in your lives with such deep satisfaction and inner peace as you have all provided me with...
Thank you my friends!

if anyone is still interested in the cards there are plenty left :)
http://herthirdeye.myshopify.com/ 

 

learning as we go..

I have not put words down for some time now, not really sure why.... perhaps because I have more on my plate or on my mind I should say then usual, perhaps this "writing your feelings down" thing got a little mundane and unsatisfying as well... like I said I'm not really sure..  But, tonight I guess I feel I have some things to share with those of you who have been with me through this tough journey, and for those still listening.

I recently made a trip to Armenia, where both Gagik and I were born, funny we even come from the same neighborhood but never met till years after we had both moved here... small world.  The reason for my journey there was to bring some of his ashes to the Seminary where he had spent some years as a young student.  This was not part of the requests he had for us, this was something I wanted to do for him, because every time he spoke of those short 4 years he spent there... he seemed happy and had fond memories from there, so I wanted to bring a part of him back to that happy place...I made this trip with his sister, which I think was very significant for both of us, we shared something very special, and only we knew what this meant to us, how we really felt each step of the way and we each found some peace inside in our own individual way. Glad to have done this, glad to have done it this way and everything turned out perfect... exactly how I had pictured it in my mind time and time again.  Even the fundraiser I had in his honer found it's way to the perfect place to make a difference...

I then joined my family for some much needed rest and fun in Greece.  But, this trip to Greece didn't only serve as a relaxation retreat or a well spent quality time with my boys, it did a lot more for me... For a few weeks we felt like a "normal" family, and by "normal" I mean not a family dealing with loss, having to question our feelings, or figuring out which stage of grief we were going through.  Yes an important member of the family was still missing and  he was on my mind constantly, but... we were in a very different place, surrounded by the unfamiliar, a place that didn't have flashes of memories attached to every corner.. And this felt good, it gave us a sense.. as false as it was, but a sense of a different reality, one that didn't belong to us, or the past... if that makes any sense...
As much as I enjoyed that feeling, that lightened load from the pain on my heart... it scared me as well.  For several solitary moments I actually visualized moving there, away from everything that was back home, everything that reminded me of the past. It made so much sense to me, I could finally understand why people sometimes wanted a fresh start after certain events in their lives.  I even replayed different scenarios in my head of how I would live this life here with my boys next to me, and it seemed like a great idea and a beautiful picture in my head...

But let's face it, the void inside will still be there and so will the pain... so running away from it wont really fix anything, not for long anyways.  And as much as I long for the change it's possibly the worse thing for the boys right now.  I think the familiar and the routine of their life is what helps them cope with their pain. Speaking of the boys (you all know I don't like discussing their feeling here that much), they are doing ok, I think they will process all this on a different level and at different times in their lives, I don't think they have faced it or dealt with the loss of their father just yet, but they are teen boys and not much on expressing themselves through words.  But again being around family, friends and living their lives is whats good for them now.

As for me, I guess I'm doing ok too, it has been 2 years now, I still see his smiling face every time I close my eyes. I sill miss him terribly and still want to share my last thoughts for the day and still long for his warm embrace... Had an anniversary just a couple of days ago, it would have been 19 years of marriage and a great one! On this subject... I  have great memories with him, I think I was a good wife and partner and he was happy with me, I'm glad it was me who took care of him till the last days of his life.  I feel in peace about that, but as a woman I still feel very much married and still in love with my husband, who.. yes.. is no longer with us but still very much a part of my life...

So... I can't really start over, no rewind button either, no erasing the past... not even sure I'd want to... But what we can do is move forward equipped with all the strength this experience has given us.  There is no doubt that loosing him did not change me or the boys.  We'll never be the same anymore yes, but we can be so much better... These kind of things are usually called life altering because they really are, some people have a hard time surviving and loose their spirit in the chaos of it all... but I'd like to think and have actually noticed myself that the change that this brought to us made us all that much stronger and more importantly more aware of what matters most in life.  That big change we search for requires no relocation... it's already happened within us and it makes no difference where we live or what we see and feel every day... we are already living a different life!

As for Greece... that still remains my happy place and perhaps one day in the future I can call it home...

Love Peace Joy