the first year without him..

How do I begin to describe what I'm feeling today?... I don't think it's possible, this day will forever remain the worse day of my life...the day we lost so much. It is a dark day and nothing can be done or said to make this day any different than what it is... We just have to survive through it year after year...
It was a year ago today, at 8:38pm when he took his last breath, it was the last day we saw him.. touched and kissed him, the last day I held his hand and caressed his forehead. This moment in time we will never forget... our world ended, we stopped breathing...
And now, a year has gone by... a long, painful year, filled with so much sadness, endless tears and heartache, and yet somehow we survived that too...

We've learned so much in the past year...
We learned that it takes a lot to brake the human spirit, and that the strength that resides within each of us is more powerful then ever imagined..
We learned that no matter how sad we are, we can still find a smile on our faces..
I learned that love does really survive, it does stay behind and warms the heart forever..
We learned that family is possibly the strongest weapon for any grieving person to have..
I learned that I can learn a few things from my sons about dealing with sadness..
I learned that we don't run out of tears...and that our pillow can quite possibly be the best shoulder at times..
I learned that a brand of coffee at the supermarket can make you weep like a child, as you run as fast as you can out of there..
We learned that there are some people that are on this earth to inspire us, to show us true love and true beauty in life, but that these are the souls that so often leave us so soon..
I learned that every time I look at our boys, I see him and this makes me smile as well as cry..

There is so much that we've learned, felt, experienced and lived the past year. And we are different now, we have changed, adapted and evolved to fit into the new life we have...
A part of me died with him on this day last year.... but a part of me learned to live...
love

his last wish..

Went down to our favorite little beach hotel in Rosarito Mexico this weekend to put Gag's ashes in the water, just as he had asked. We've made some great memories there in the past with the family, lots of laughs and good times. Perhaps that's why he requested for this just as he did for part of his ashes to be spread by the 3rd hole at his favorite golf course, which we did some time ago.

It felt good to fulfill his last wishes in a way that he would have approved... surrounded by family, with a nice BBQ to follow and a few cold vodka shots.... Many tears were shed by all of us that afternoon, but we had a few laughs as well remembering him and his "full of life" ways...

It was a tough weekend, full of emotions, and yet it was very peaceful and soul satisfying... and I'm so glad we were able to do this before the one year anniversary of his death. I hope now that his last wishes have been fulfilled he has found peace, as it has given us some peace now.

Although this is what he wanted and I am at peace with it...I can't help but feel as though I left a part of my heart behind with his ashes... as they sank into the waves... For us he will always be a part of the water that caresses the sands down in Baja...

Rest in peace my love

feeling broken

I've stopped writing, not so much because I have nothing to share anymore, but mostly because I've been letting my emotions get the better of me. I wallow a bit, and let it just subside, and perhaps I got tyred of expressing myself deeply, if that makes any sense.

But here I am, once again sulking, drowning in my tears, a day after fathers day.... It was a bad day, and we've had other "special" days that we miss him more than usual, but yesterday was possibly the worse I felt in months. Seeing our boys sitting at dad's grave, looking sad, hurt, somewhat alone and cheated out of life, holding their tears back.... was such a painful thing. What can a mother do to make such a pain go away?... With all that I do for them, all the comforting words, and hugs, with all the love that they get from me and our family, nothing...nothing will ever take away that pain they feel inside. They have been broken as we all have and no matter what we do, we will never be able to put ourselves back just right ever again...

Broken we are..broken we feel..but we must accept this new norm and try to pull it together as much as possible to live...and live fully, for that's what he would want.

love..

nature

My words fail me lately, so I thought I'd post some images

I've captured recently. Enjoy :)

Appreciate nature...

the human spirit...

I witnessed something amazing the other day,

I saw the beauty and strength of the human spirit.

This man who has seen 80 years of life zoom by,

who has loved, laughed and cried through those years,

who is now terminally ill and nearing the end of his journey...

Still refuses to fold his hand,

still willing to take a bite out of life and savor every moment of it.

Barely able to walk he wanted to dance, and dance he did....

dominating the dance floor for what seemed a joyful eternity for the wide eyed cheering crowd.

He may have Greek and Armenian blood running through his veins..

But it was the human spirit that is still alive and well deep in his soul that captured my heart....

I am inspired....as we all should be!

LOVE...PEACE...JOY...