learning as we go..

I have not put words down for some time now, not really sure why.... perhaps because I have more on my plate or on my mind I should say then usual, perhaps this "writing your feelings down" thing got a little mundane and unsatisfying as well... like I said I'm not really sure..  But, tonight I guess I feel I have some things to share with those of you who have been with me through this tough journey, and for those still listening.

I recently made a trip to Armenia, where both Gagik and I were born, funny we even come from the same neighborhood but never met till years after we had both moved here... small world.  The reason for my journey there was to bring some of his ashes to the Seminary where he had spent some years as a young student.  This was not part of the requests he had for us, this was something I wanted to do for him, because every time he spoke of those short 4 years he spent there... he seemed happy and had fond memories from there, so I wanted to bring a part of him back to that happy place...I made this trip with his sister, which I think was very significant for both of us, we shared something very special, and only we knew what this meant to us, how we really felt each step of the way and we each found some peace inside in our own individual way. Glad to have done this, glad to have done it this way and everything turned out perfect... exactly how I had pictured it in my mind time and time again.  Even the fundraiser I had in his honer found it's way to the perfect place to make a difference...

I then joined my family for some much needed rest and fun in Greece.  But, this trip to Greece didn't only serve as a relaxation retreat or a well spent quality time with my boys, it did a lot more for me... For a few weeks we felt like a "normal" family, and by "normal" I mean not a family dealing with loss, having to question our feelings, or figuring out which stage of grief we were going through.  Yes an important member of the family was still missing and  he was on my mind constantly, but... we were in a very different place, surrounded by the unfamiliar, a place that didn't have flashes of memories attached to every corner.. And this felt good, it gave us a sense.. as false as it was, but a sense of a different reality, one that didn't belong to us, or the past... if that makes any sense...
As much as I enjoyed that feeling, that lightened load from the pain on my heart... it scared me as well.  For several solitary moments I actually visualized moving there, away from everything that was back home, everything that reminded me of the past. It made so much sense to me, I could finally understand why people sometimes wanted a fresh start after certain events in their lives.  I even replayed different scenarios in my head of how I would live this life here with my boys next to me, and it seemed like a great idea and a beautiful picture in my head...

But let's face it, the void inside will still be there and so will the pain... so running away from it wont really fix anything, not for long anyways.  And as much as I long for the change it's possibly the worse thing for the boys right now.  I think the familiar and the routine of their life is what helps them cope with their pain. Speaking of the boys (you all know I don't like discussing their feeling here that much), they are doing ok, I think they will process all this on a different level and at different times in their lives, I don't think they have faced it or dealt with the loss of their father just yet, but they are teen boys and not much on expressing themselves through words.  But again being around family, friends and living their lives is whats good for them now.

As for me, I guess I'm doing ok too, it has been 2 years now, I still see his smiling face every time I close my eyes. I sill miss him terribly and still want to share my last thoughts for the day and still long for his warm embrace... Had an anniversary just a couple of days ago, it would have been 19 years of marriage and a great one! On this subject... I  have great memories with him, I think I was a good wife and partner and he was happy with me, I'm glad it was me who took care of him till the last days of his life.  I feel in peace about that, but as a woman I still feel very much married and still in love with my husband, who.. yes.. is no longer with us but still very much a part of my life...

So... I can't really start over, no rewind button either, no erasing the past... not even sure I'd want to... But what we can do is move forward equipped with all the strength this experience has given us.  There is no doubt that loosing him did not change me or the boys.  We'll never be the same anymore yes, but we can be so much better... These kind of things are usually called life altering because they really are, some people have a hard time surviving and loose their spirit in the chaos of it all... but I'd like to think and have actually noticed myself that the change that this brought to us made us all that much stronger and more importantly more aware of what matters most in life.  That big change we search for requires no relocation... it's already happened within us and it makes no difference where we live or what we see and feel every day... we are already living a different life!

As for Greece... that still remains my happy place and perhaps one day in the future I can call it home...

Love Peace Joy

Project "Postcards for Smiles"

Dear friends I'm happy to announce that I'm finally able to launch this project.  My mind gave birth to the idea a little later than I would have liked but, we still have two months till my trip to Armenia.  With all of your support I'm confident that we can make this a successful fundraiser. So here is the idea behind this beautiful project...

I will be bringing my late husbands ashes to Armenia this summer, to Etchmiatsin where he studied as a young boy. I want to honor and remember his kind and happy spirit with some charitable deeds.  This is where you come in... I have put together some of my better photographs as greeting cards, I've build an online shop where you can view and purchase these lovely gifts, and also read more about the project.
Please spread the word, share this link with friends and family... with great appreciation and a humble heart, I thank you!

Mari Mansourian
HerThirdEye

http://herthirdeye.myshopify.com/

Love.. Peace.. Joy..

Now is all we have..

Life teaches us many lessons from the time we come into this world to the very last day we breath.  With all the lessons comes great knowledge, experience, regret, foresight, patience and most of all understanding.  Some lessons are harder to learn and therefore we face them a few more times than we really want to...

If I've learned anything from the years that are behind me now, is that life.. with all it's beauty and joy can also be a very ugly and painful thing.  I've learned that nothing lasts, that all the good and the bad eventually dwindle away and end..  Pure joy and utter pain don't necessarily ever leave but perhaps we just get used to it and become numb as we grow older, and with each experience and lesson we perhaps get tougher, more resilient.. and in the process loose our childish enthusiasm, imagination and curiosity.  We accept things with more ease, stop fighting with our inner demons and even take the joyous experiences with a slight smile rather than a hearty laugh..

In my case... we went from having a comfortable, warm and fuzzy life to a harsh, treacherous, painful existence, surrounded by pain and grief.  Surviving days with tears and hardship while barely making it through nights with a cold bed, wet pillows and a longing for warmth..  But as time goes by, and even though the pain is still the same... we've gotten used to it, have built an immunity to grief, and are a bit more numb to everything that comes with life..  I see it in my boys and I feel it deep inside of me..

Lessons learned?? Still figuring that part out, but the most important lesson I've learned from all this is, like I said.. nothing last forever, happiness can be lost at a moments time, and sadness eventually leaves as well... So at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I will say this... all we have left is NOW!  Whatever situation we may find ourselves in, that is all we have, so we may as well laugh whole hearted as well as cry from deep within.  This very moment will never repeat, and the joy or pain we feel right now is the very essence of being human, of living our lives.. however long that may be.  I think by really submerging ourselves deep into this moment we can say that we are human and at the end of our journey, as we look back at all the miles we've walked... we can say that we've lived... and learned... and experienced all that this life had in store for us..

And that is a satisfying feeling...

just another update

Hello dear old friends, it's been a long time since I've put any words on these pages. Have not visited any of you at your corners either, I've missed you all and the blogosphere...

I have however been reading some of my old posts in the recent weeks and have realized what a positive and energetic person I was all throughout this horrible time in our lives. Not to say that I'm a negative person at the moment but, my energy levels are depleting and each day is getting more and more challenging to get through. Now you all know I started this blog to open my heart and mind, express myself through this experience and hopefully help others who may be going through a similar chapter in their lives. I'm sure that is exactly why I was able to handle all that happened and this blog really helped me stay sane...

So, with that in mind I think it's time for another update on this grief thing we're going through. I guess the old saying is that "time heals all wounds" and "in time things get easier".... Well I think it would be more accurate to say that it gets worse before it gets any better. Of course it's different for every person, and it's different depending on who you've lost. A loss of a child, a parent, a friend, a sibling, a spouse are not at all the same. The pain and suffering may be on the same level but the aftermath and all that is required to survive each day is an entirely different path.

Since I have been fortunate enough not to have lost any other close loved ones, except grandparents from old age and illness, I can only give you guys a perspective from my point of view... one of a widow, one of a person who has lost a husband and a best friend, as well as one of a mother helping her boys through the loss of their father. Not an easy task, but grief is in no way ever easy regardless of who one looses. In our case, loosing him was needless to say very hard but, what makes it so much harder is when we lost him. Of course one is never ready to lose a loved one and there is no better time for things like this, but perhaps when we lose an older member of the family, it still hurts but we are comforted by the thought that he or she lived a full life, watched their kids grow, had grandchildren, etc.. and in some way we tend to think life has come full circle and it was their time to go.

When we lose a younger person, one who still had so much to live for and so much to see and experience still... then it's more difficult to find peace with this harsh reality. I can't help but think of all that we still had to do together, and all that he still needed to see, and this hurts me a great deal. Now this tragedy couldn't have happened at a worse time in our boys lives too, they are teens heading into manhood, in great need of their father. I can do all that I can, but will never fill his shoe, and that is a fact, a harsh fact of life that we just need to accept and live with. And in this area I think we're doing ok, we are a close family and that is our power against this tough situation.

Life it would seem is not really fair, we say this all the time and most of the time we don't really think about all that this saying means.. In my case, I was very fortunate to have had a great marriage, and yet it was short lived and ended at a time when we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Our boys were getting older and more independent, we were planning on embarking on a new life, we had big plans and were looking forward to more wonderful years together. So much to live for... But once again, it was short lived, and perhaps it was his time to go, I've come to terms with that now and in some way I'm in peace with it. What the challenge is now, is to reboot and come up with a whole new set of dreams and plans that don't include him. This is the hardest part, I still want to live in the past and replay the images on my mind of all the dreams we had for our future. But I can't!

I need to once again find out who I am without him, what I want from life and the paths I want to take. My boys, their happiness and well being is all I can think about. But with the challenges each day I have to face as a single mother, trying to make things better for all of us... it's not an easy task. When you are busy surviving each day, you don't have time to live!

However I am hopeful, I am after all a pessimistic optimist and there are some rays of sunshine in the horizon.. Thanks for lending an ear once again my friends.

peace

the first year without him..

How do I begin to describe what I'm feeling today?... I don't think it's possible, this day will forever remain the worse day of my life...the day we lost so much. It is a dark day and nothing can be done or said to make this day any different than what it is... We just have to survive through it year after year...
It was a year ago today, at 8:38pm when he took his last breath, it was the last day we saw him.. touched and kissed him, the last day I held his hand and caressed his forehead. This moment in time we will never forget... our world ended, we stopped breathing...
And now, a year has gone by... a long, painful year, filled with so much sadness, endless tears and heartache, and yet somehow we survived that too...

We've learned so much in the past year...
We learned that it takes a lot to brake the human spirit, and that the strength that resides within each of us is more powerful then ever imagined..
We learned that no matter how sad we are, we can still find a smile on our faces..
I learned that love does really survive, it does stay behind and warms the heart forever..
We learned that family is possibly the strongest weapon for any grieving person to have..
I learned that I can learn a few things from my sons about dealing with sadness..
I learned that we don't run out of tears...and that our pillow can quite possibly be the best shoulder at times..
I learned that a brand of coffee at the supermarket can make you weep like a child, as you run as fast as you can out of there..
We learned that there are some people that are on this earth to inspire us, to show us true love and true beauty in life, but that these are the souls that so often leave us so soon..
I learned that every time I look at our boys, I see him and this makes me smile as well as cry..

There is so much that we've learned, felt, experienced and lived the past year. And we are different now, we have changed, adapted and evolved to fit into the new life we have...
A part of me died with him on this day last year.... but a part of me learned to live...
love