Thursday, October 1, 2009

breaking down....

Oh boy.... my dear blog friends, had a really low evening brace yourselves for a tough read...

Gag's best friend had surgery yesterday and I went to visit him in the hospital, and let me tell you... it was such a painful flash back moment for me. Same hospital, same parking lot where I've cried many a times sitting in my car, same hallways we've walked together...

As I got off the elevator, a couple were walking up and down the hall, the husband had just had surgery and was doing his recovery walk, the wife holding his hand tightly, walking slowly next to him for support.... it took me immediately to the days following Gag's open heart surgery and our walks down these halls. He was so determined to recover quickly and get on with life, every couple of hours he'd say..."let's go love, let's take a stroll". And we'd go around a couple of times, holding hands, talking, laughing.... Gag as usual joking around with the nurses, saying hello to neighbors in the other rooms, and the nurses thought we were so cute, strolling hand in hand as if we were in a beautiful park, walking along the paths enjoying the trees around us without a care in the world...

Let me tell you I just wanted to fall on the ground and weep... but of course I didn't, after all I was there to see a friend, to cheer him up, and comfort him by giving him some encouraging words, so once again I held it together and buried my pain, well... at least till I got to the parking lot and cried sitting in my car alone like I've done so many times before.

Had to compose myself, wipe the tears and put the smile back on, I went to pick up Arman from the soccer field, and boom... once again a flashback hit me, but it was like nothing I had experienced before. I parked the car, started walking towards the field, and there it was, right where Gag used to park his car was a dark blue Scion, with soccer gear in the back just like Gag's. And as naive and stupid humans as we are, for a split second I forgot everything and had a little joy moment of knowing I was going to see him.... but that's all it was, a very short millisecond of joy... then I woke up and realized what I was thinking and how unreal it felt. And that is when I lost it, right there under the lights, standing next to that car. everything came crushing down... and all this happened in front of Arman... which I hate to do...

But, I am only human... And there is only so much I can restrain. This is what happens when you swallow your pain time and time again, bury your sorrow deep under your skin and hold back all the tears that want to burst out. It all comes pouring out when you least expect it and where you didn't want it to happen. I know that it's ok for the boys to see me hurting and know that after all, we are in this reality and that yes, it is very hard for all of us, but I don't want to give them the pain of seeing me like that and the helplessness that they feel, knowing that there is nothing they can do to change the situation. Something no mother ever wishes for...

So, yes a very tough evening for us, it was possibly the worst weeping cry I have ever had, and I feel exhausted this morning, but we must carry on, hold it together and just keep breathing....

Realized this morning that... what a surprise.... it was Wednesday yesterday... wow!

Enjoy every moment of your lives...


  1. In my life I've been to similar such places as the pain you're feeling - I can only send you my love and say a prayer that your hurt will heal.

    Liz x

  2. Prayers for rest and peace are sent your way.

  3. i love that you've carried on writing about Gaj. Peace to you and the boys. xo kitty

  4. I love that image of you and Gag strolling the corridors together. No wonder you lost it when you went back to CoH.

    Your loss seems so unbearable, but, I can't help but envy the love that makes it so.

  5. Susan C said exactly my thoughts. When I read of your pain and your anguish at having lost someone so dear to you, I don't focus on the pain as much as i focus on the love. And while I don't wish you that pain, I am so grateful to know that you had such depth and sweetness to your love.

  6. it's bound to happen that you break down like this along the way. it's no doubt no comfort at all, but it's perfectly natural.

    sending positive thoughts and big hugs across the atlantic.


  7. You are humen it is normal to break down even next to your kids.
    You are very strong and very very good mother. You are trying to do your best to make them happy. Keep up the good work. Just know that we are here to help.

    Love and peace.
    Ani S.

  8. so glad you are placing your words here. i send you love.

  9. there is pain around each corner but you are working thru it ...keep going!

  10. exactly, Marin. You're a Survivor of this pain, and you pick yourself up each and every day and face it anew. And for that, you're a hero. And for bravely sharing it with us, you're a double hero. Here's to your resillience and love.