Monday, September 14, 2009

what a roller coaster.....

What a roller coaster of a weekend we had...

Talk about too many "highs" and "lows" all condensed into one weekend... Not that our days are not filled with a lot of these peeking emotions lately. On any given day I go from crying out loud to laughing out loud within minutes, or may be really sad one moment and singing to a song on the radio while tears roll down my cheeks the next...

But, for some reason I feel really exhausted from the emotional whirlwind of this weekend.

our shop

I started a renovation project at our shop, and the first stage went very smoothly and a lot was accomplished, but not without the ever constant flow of tears. Being there on a weekend, painting walls... tearing old things down to be replaced by the new ones.... just brought back so many memories of Gag, this is what we did over the years, on some weekends together. So, as happy and excited as I was for taking care of the things that have been needing some serious attention, I caught myself just staring at something we built together and realizing how much I miss him... then the tears would roll again....

Arman's first year playing

Then there was the first futball game of the season, and once again as much as I was filled with joy to see Arman out on the field, playing the game he loves, armed with his goalie was still very painful being there, as this was something we used to do as a family... throughout the whole game I kept hearing Gag's voice giving directions to the boys, cheering them on, and joking around with the parents on the sidelines. It was an evening game, his favorite time of the day to the sun was setting, he would say "this is the best light for pictures, get your camera ready love".... then the lights would come on and the game took on a whole different stage, playing under the lights was what he called a "real game". I kept thinking... finally the boys have gotten older and the game they play has taken on a more serious tone, not a bunch of six year olds chasing after the ball anymore... this is when he would've enjoyed it so much more...and he's not here to reap the fruits of his tree....

But the most emotional part of the weekend was when I took his mom to visit the grave site. She is ill, has been for most of her life, three open heart surgeries and a life of struggle raising two kids without her husband on her side, so being as weak and fragile, she wasn't present for any of the ceremonies and hadn't visited the cemetery till now, it would just be too painful for her. But, on Saturday morning I get a call from her at the shop, as I'm covered in paint... she told me that she wants to visit him, right then... so I dropped everything and took her to see her one and only son's tombstone. I shouldn't have to tell you what a difficult thing it was for her to be there and for me to witness it and not be able to give her any comfort, because no matter what you say to a mother who's lost a child... nothing can give her peace.

So, overall .... like I said a very emotional weekend, filled with high moments and very low moments, boy I tell you this grief business is quite exhausting and can drain you of all your energy. But, we still go on, still have to overcome each moment for Gag's sake, for the boys sake... for just keeping his memory alive and to make him proud of all the things that we achieve on a daily basis. We miss him, there is no doubt, the boys sleep by my side from time to time.... I don't think it's to comfort me or just because my bed is bigger and more comfortable, but because they miss dad, and sleeping on "his side" of the bed makes them feel a bit closer perhaps, they don't know how to express their grief and pain any other way...

So, another Monday... time to regroup and get to living... things to be done, to be seen, to be experienced... must... keep... going...


  1. Mari, i know. i can feel it, through your words. no matter how old or how young, that was still her child. i send you prayer. i do love this photo.

  2. Oh Bless your heart. I think you've said it. You are exhausted. My dear woman, you must think of and do things to recharge yourself. To give yourself deep rest. Do you meditate? Get massages? I think it's time for some serious self care...for your sake. We women, too good and taking care of everyone else. The image of the boys sleeping in their dad's place is heart-wrenching. I thought Gag not having a father must have made him all the more determined to be a wonderful father himself. It seems that he did just that. Ok, I'm going to go look in my woman's comfort book and email you Jennifer's advice. Blessings.

  3. Life is a roller coaster ... I have always thought that and I know I have seen that. I see that through your eyes now and wonder what it is that allows us to continue the ride. I think for me it is the potential for more life, for more memories and to be able to enjoy the memories of the past.

    You are a beautiful woman, a wonderful mother, a crucial family member to both your family and Gag's. You have the tenacity to strive forward, to look at the future and challenge it, to bring the past into the future and to move forward. I find many an amazing and poignant message in so many of your posts and it helps me keep myself grounded.

    So thank you. Keep doing what you are doing. Allow the emotions to come as they may and accept them for what they are. Just remember to take care of yourself. We enjoy your company here in the cyberworld.

    Peace my friend.

  4. I want to say something, but, do not know how to put it in words.....I could just imagine how you heard Gag's voice during the game....I'm sure it rocked you, being there and knowing how he would have loved it....but, he was there, watching over you and the boys....

    I love your blog Mari, I love how you share so much with us....the emotion in your posts is palpable...I always feel like I am sitting with you when you share your feelings.

    Be gentle with yourself.

  5. You're doing fine. In fact, you're doing great. I think the first year without Gag is going to be the hardest. Everything is a milestone; "the first birthday, futball game, holidays, anniversaries, etc." Just keep on talking about him and keep him alive in your and the boy's hearts.

  6. I don't know what to say but I think TFM said it wonderfully. Just know that all your new bloggy friends, although we don't really know you, we are thinking about you and hoping you get thru this year.
    Hugs to you

  7. oh boy... thanks guys for all your kind words..too kind, as always the blogoshere to the rescue...

  8. Mari,

    Im amazed at how well you are holding up. You are an inspiration, always.

  9. I just wrote a long and emotional comment to you, one written by the heart and not the mind, and I lost it when I went to post. I cannot recreate it because it wasn't written in my head. And, so I have to trust. . . that you already know the words and whatever wisdom they might have imparted.

    Suffice it to say that I know you are doing an amazing job of keeping Gag's memory alive as you continue to live to be all that he saw and loved in you.

    It's love that fuels the roller coaster, Mari. That's what makes the ride so rich, even when it is often painful.

  10. Marin jan, to put it simply....I completely understand you....what you're going through....It is EXTREMELY hard.....and any words written or spoken will not ease your pain....Only time will do that...

    Love you and as always, whenever you need to talk, just call me....I am always here for you....ALWAYS!!!


  11. i say thanks;
    for your honesty through the emotions
    for the tender way you mother the boys
    the even more tender gift you gave is mom
    blessings friend ~elk

  12. Oh this is so painful to read, your tender words about your mother in law are so full of grace and respect. but don't neglect your own pain xxx

    Up and down, up and down, that's how it goes. I wish you more ups than downs. Hugs x

  13. Marin,

    Even though you may feel alone, to some extent, we're around you, rooting for you and the family, wondering what u're feeling, going through. And u've been so gracious to allow us in to such a great extent, that we appreciate so much, and through that, we can keep saying how special you are to us, and how unique your pain seems to me (us), and how as Sue G once wrote, there's not template to dealing w/ the grief. As u said, must go on...

    Love xo