2010 and beyond...

Yet another year is upon us, as we start another decade. Much like our own birthdays... every time a year rolls around we stop and reflect, we look back at the year and think of all the events and experiences we had and look forward to a fresh new start.

So, as Earth celebrates another birthday and as we say goodbye to one decade, pressing onward towards a new one...let's reflect, let's look back and see what we've been through and what we've learned both on a global and personal level. I hope that we will cherish the good times we've had, pat ourselves on the back for the major and not so major accomplishments we've achieved, and most of all learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others and not repeat what history has taught us...

For the coming year and the new decade we are entering, I have very few things to ask for. I hope to find peace both internally and for our fellow man as well. I hope to live with eyes open to see the wonders each day has in store for us, and to witness the events as they unfold in the world. I hope mankind will learn to be a bit more compassionate and to rely on love more often, I hope for an outbreak of kindness around the world (as a friend said the other day). And most importantly I hope we can all do our part as individuals as well as a unit to make this little blue planet of ours a better place for our future generation...

I wish you all a Happy New year and a prosperous decade ahead. Enjoy yourselves tonight, don't drink too much.... then again...why not? Go ahead knock yourselves out I know I will, there will be lots of drinking and a downpour of tears in our home tonight, both happy and sad...

Peace my friends!
Love and Joy to accompany...


So...tell us what do you hope for in 2010 and beyond...?

give love...

As I sat down for a quiet cup of tea with my Gingerbread cupcake and the morning sun warming my heart... I thought of so many different things. The first thing that popped in my mind was the fact that never have I had a quite morning on a day like this, normally we would already be cooking away in the kitchen getting ready for Christmas dinner, perhaps running to the store for last minute items, or wrapping a few presents we didn't get to... In other words all the craziness that comes with the holidays. And as nice as my quite moment felt... it still made me think of all the things that are different now... As many of you have said before the first everything without my husband is going to be hard to experience.... So, yes this holiday season is very different for us...

But what I thought of mostly this morning... is all the love I have felt from everyone around me the past few months, love from family, friends, love from all corners of the globe from people whose hand I've never shaken or looked in their eyes and embraced after a few kind words. Yes, my friends I speak of you, and I can't tell you how much it warms my heart and lengthens my smile when I think of all the love and kindness that I've felt in the pages of my blog... I thank you all, and I want to send all of you so much love from my heart, as I have an abundance left behind by my husband... you have made a world of difference in our lives, I want you to know how much you have all meant to us, how many tears you've helped wipe away, how many smiles you've helped grow....I thank you!
And that is all one needs really.... love. When we love and let others love us... that warmth grows and glows forever in our hearts, no one and not a thing can take that feeling from us...

So this season...with all the little gifts you exchange, with all the hugs and kisses passed on.... most importantly don't forget to give love...give love sincerely, when you hug...hug warmly, when you smile...smile from your heart, when you say "I love you" ... really mean it... believe me that is all anyone really wants, and if you dig deep.. you will see that it's all we ever want.

Merry Christmas, I send you all a warm, lingering hug :)

love...peace...joy...

still walking the path...

Picture a widow, sitting in a corner by the window, dressed in black head to toe, gazing out as if miles away, handkerchief at hand wiping her tears from time to time...hair mangled, no make up, unaware of her surroundings, did you all get a clear picture in your heads?.... Ok now get rid of that image...because that is not me, well...at least not on the outside. I was never that when Gag was ill, I didn't do that when he first passed away, and it's definitely not me now...

I've been so determined to "keep it" together, to be strong for the boys, to keep busy with important and some totally unimportant things...and it has helped keep me out of that widow chair most of the time, but I wonder if I've had time to grieve, and that's why when I crash... I crash hard...and that's not good for any of us. We all know that grief has many stages, and the process is different for everyone, some people cry everyday, all the time and then eventually run out of tears, some others walk around in denial most of the time until somewhere down the line they get hit by reality so hard it takes years to recover...well once again I'm neither of those scenarios... In short I'm just surviving each day, I may not cry all the time or have major reality slaps at times, and I may laugh and enjoy things throughout the day....but deep down I really am that widow on the chair by the window... and you know what though? I'm ok with that...It's ok to be sad, it's ok to let your kids and the people around you see you mangled and depressed, it's ok to mourn the person you've lost...especially when that person was the reason behind your smile, the love and meaning in your life...

I am getting so sick of the term "life goes on" or "be strong for your kids"....what a bunch of BS... Well of course life goes on...we are still alive, breathing, functioning, we can't just crawl under a rock and die (though I'm sure you couldn't even if you wanted to, someone must have tried that somewhere)... and as far as being strong for the boys...well that too comes naturally, we as parents have no choice... But.. what's wrong with wallowing a bit, what's wrong with mourning the love of your life for a while longer, what's wrong with your kids seeing how much you are hurting, perhaps then they will be able to show their pain as well. Why are we so determined to pack away the pain and loss so quickly, why should we be in such a hurry to move on and forget all this. Of course people move on... and they have, everyone around us has... they have their own lives and families to live and enjoy and that is natural... But this storm didn't hit around our home, it hit us right in the heart of it, so we can't, won't, shouldn't and will not be able to move on so fast...and we've accepted and embraced that.

He was not a man to be forgotten so fast, his loss is felt every second of our days, and we laugh or cry when we are reminded of him, but the biggest emotion we feel most of the time is sadness. The heaviness that's left on our hearts by this tremendous sadness is very hard to lift away, we may be able to do it for brief moments at times... but it's there always, our constant companion, and with this dark cloud that hangs over us all the time, of course we can't really celebrate much in life right now. I see that in the boys as well, they are still sad, and hurting and nothing really seems to give them complete joy at this time.... But again that's ok, what they have been through at such a young age..most of us adults can't even comprehend. They have lost their father, their life long friend and teacher, the man they look up to, admire and love so much... So perhaps we should let them mourn as well, they can be sad for a while too, we should let them grieve their own way, because none of us, me included know what they are feeling...

So, it's ok if we don't have Christmas this year, or attend fun parties and get in the jolly mood...we don't feel much like celebrating at the moment...and that's fine, we are in mourning, we are in sadness, and though we may have happy moments that we share with family and friends, the sadness is there... the loss and pain is there with tears to accompany... It's fine! As my husband used to always say..."this too shall pass"...

This is our path now, we can't take short cuts and skip over a few potholes... we have to walk it all the way, falling, rising and dusting ourselves off time and time again, and we will get through it on our own, in our own time and together as a family..


love..peace..joy..

month five... the holidays

Today marks the fifth month of being without our loving, happy guy. Needless to say... it has been an ongoing roller coaster of emotions and definitely a deep learning process... learning to let go, learning to let ourselves grieve, learning to close my eyes and picture his face with a wide smile, learning to comfort myself, my boys and other loved ones...even though there are no words that can actually comfort us...
The holidays are coming...and I'm not prepared or unprepared for that matter, I don't want to go into it stressing out because everyone keeps saying how hard it's going to be... well, it's hard everyday, and yes I know... it's the first year, it's only been five months and yes it will be hard, to be honest I don't think the years ahead will be any easier, especially on such occasions... But we'll manage as we have every day since...
I want to post our Christmas cards from the past seventeen years together, we did a photo every year, even last year with all that was going on... I still wanted to send out cards to spread joy to everyone who was still in shock of hearing the "bad" news... Each year these cards adorned many a mantels, and with each year we were happy to share with our family and friends, the family we were growing into... our little union that was prospering...
But... we will not have jolly words to write on cards this year, there will be no Christmas tree or wrapped presents stacked under it, no Christmas parties to attend or presents to buy, we won't hang lights around the house, no mistletoe anywhere to be seen. In stead we'll have the warmth and togetherness of family and friends who will help us through the days to come, with each memory we share we'll keep Gag in our hearts, he'll be with us in spirit this year and the years to come.... and that my friends is all we want and need for Christmas.

our first Christmas as husband and wife (1992)

Arman's first Christmas (1993)

our little hyper toddler (1994)

happily expecting our second child (1995)

Robert's first Christmas (1996)

they were inseparable those days (1997)

our little family growing (1998)

they loved to pose for pictures (1999)

Robert's winning smile (2000)

a very jolly picture (2001)

one big happy family (2002)

this was our best year in soccer (2003)

Mexico, (2004)

growing up (2005)

went to Armenia that year (2006)

boys entering teen hood (2007)

we used my graduation photo last year (2008)

Hope you enjoyed the photos... my heart feels joy as I look at them and at the same time the pain is overwhelming as well.... Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday season surrounded by your loved ones.


love...peace...joy...

change...

Change.... is Mother Natures way of moving forward...
There is much to be learned from her...


Have a great weekend everyone!

love...peace...joy...

Gag's plan..

As most of you know Gagik wanted to be cremated and had specific instruction on what he wanted done with his ashes. Part of the ashes were buried so that family will have a grave site to visit, and the other half was to be scattered at specific locations. He wanted some to be taken to a little place we used to go in Baja Mexico where we've had some great times, some he wanted scattered on and along the 3rd green at his favorite golf course, and the rest taken to Armenia, his birthplace. I've decided to keep some of it for myself to be mixed with my ashes when my time comes, so that once again we may be reunited.

We are planning to take his ashes to Armenia next summer if all is well, the Mexico trip was planned over Thanksgiving weekend, but we had a close family friend who passed away that week and the trip was postponed. As far as the golf course.... it has been an ongoing planning effort over the past couple of months. Every time we tried to plan it, something always came up or schedule conflicts put it off, so after many failed attempts the date was finally set for yesterday... the reservations at the golf course were made, everyone that was involved were notified, Gag's ashes were ready to be freed from the container, golf clubs were cleaned and ready to go.... then everything went wrong... or did it??

I have a theory... now feel free to call me crazy, delusional even (I won't hold it against you guys)... but I can't find any other logical explanation for what happened...so hear me out. As my brother got to the golf course he had a couple of phone calls from the other guys that were going to join him, Gagik's sister's husband, and his cousin's husband were both unable to make it, and the other person with whom Gag always played golf with (his other cousins husband) was running late. Knowing my brother, I knew that he was probably upset that once again this plan was going to fall through... but he took a deep breath, put a smile on his face and decided to take the "Gag" approach and just relax, hit a bucket of balls at the driving range and let the day pan out as it will.... You see, I think Gag had it all planned for us, Nick finally showed up and the game finally got under way... And who were the only people that ended up on the golf course yesterday? The two golf buddies that Gagik always had next to him walking the course...

So, you see no matter how much we planned for this special day to go as we wanted... Gag had other plans, he wanted to walk the course just with his golf partners one last time... it was his wish and that's exactly how it happened.... You may call it coincidence, or just a series of events, but I kinda like my version of things better...

Here are some pictures taken by my brother, and according to him... it was a perfect day!

(the 3rd )

(Nick)

(Gag's resting place on the 3rd green)

love...peace...joy...

connections...

My mom and I had a lovely morning yesterday visiting with some old friends. Now, I've talked about friendship here before and how important it is to have deep connections with people, how having and hanging on to those connections enrich our lives, and warm the corners of our hearts in a special way...
I believe that "soul mate" doesn't just apply to the love of our lives, to that one special person we find to spend the rest of our lives with, our partners in life... I believe that we can also find soul mates in our friends as well, people who are very dear to us, people who find that path to our soul, and make it to the depth of our hearts and that bond can never be broken.

I grew up with Hilma, we were neighbors back home, our families shared many happy and sad days together, made it through tough times and endured hardship through togetherness and laughter. And when you've been through so much together, be it good times or bad...that bond is so deep that it becomes a part of your life, your very essence and ultimately a part of your soul. Through that very connection your character is molded into who you become later in life. After we moved to the United States we stayed in touch, but the separation was still there, and even though they moved here a few years later we were still separated, not by distance but by the different paths our lives took us. However, when you do have that special bond, no matter how many years or miles you've missed... you are still very much a part of each others lives. You think of one another often, you remember all the experiences you've had together, and when you once again are face to face.... it's as though you didn't miss a thing.

These are the kind of friendships that stand the test of time, of distance and remain strong forever. These are the kind of friends that you can still call on when you need something...anything, and you feel safe in knowing that they will always be there for you no matter what, as you would be there for them. I feel very fortunate to have made such connections in life and cherish each memory, every walk down memory lane warms my heart.
These connections are very important and essential in being human, it's what makes us who we are and ultimately how we choose to live our lives.

So cherish those deep connections, feed them, nurture them and hang on to them...for a life without them is a sad and lonely existence...

I love you Hilma and appreciate all that I've had with you and your beautiful family.

Love...Peace...Joy...

our biggest strength

I went to visit Gag's best friend the other day, who just happens to be married to my best friend of 28 years. Gag and I had nothing to do with this union, they somehow found each other and we were just thrilled at the fact that... not only had both our friends found happiness but that we actually liked their significant others and could hang out too... Anyways, sadly he is also very ill, not cancer but an Autoimmune disease that is incurable... He's been battling with it for years but, for the past three years or so the illness has progressed rapidly and now he's not doing so well either. It was hard seeing him, it's difficult for me to see any of our friends...every time I'm in our usual circle I feel Gag's absence even more, but I need to start getting back into it again, I miss our friends and spending time with them feels good.

So, as we sat down for lunch, we remembered the last time Gag and his friend sat around the table together and had a few good laughs. They were very close, spoke often and had their poker night every now and then. Gag's death has really effected him as well, he had a very tough time with it, but was thankful that he visited him as often as he could (in his condition) the last few months of Gag's life. I came home that night and wanted to find the blog post I did about that day we had food together, and in doing so... I spent a good couple of hours reading through my old posts....

Well... let me tell you it was tough to say the least... as I went through post after post it seemed so unreal... all that we went through...everything he endured through those months... All the memories came rushing back into my head and it was so overwhelming, I actually couldn't believe that we went through all that...believe it or not I had even forgotten some of those awful days. I was also surprised at all the positive things that we experienced during that horrid time, we actually had some very joyous days... such as the day Gag and Rob sat down and painted together, or the day I read all my blog posts to Gag, the few days that he was feeling good and we actually enjoyed with our friends and family, the conversations he had with his long lost friend Michael... so many wonderful days were had... it's amazing how much energy and love I felt after reading those posts...

As I sat there rewinding the images in my head, I realized that with the love we had for each other... we were able to really cherish those days, we didn't let cancer take over and destroy us, yes it took him in the end, but we never gave up or gave into its pain. We didn't shrivel up and crawl into a dark corner for the remainder of his days. Instead we really celebrated each day, we found joy in so many unexpected places, our long conversations in the chemo room, or the drive home, spending time together, looking through our old photos, reading together, laughing with the boys...so many happy memories were made even in the middle of that storm...

I am so grateful for all those moments, yes looking back at those times now does still cause pain, but just as I had forgotten some of the horrible moments... more and more of those moments will subside and what will be left in our hearts and minds are those beautiful moments we all had together during his last days on earth... I am also grateful that I documented all of it, and now I can flip through the "pages" of this corner of mine, and find comfort...

Writing about all that has happened, I think was a great help, it's apparent now that it really did get me through the most difficult of times in my life, I can't imagine going through all that without this, I think the impact of it all would have been so hard on me and I might not have been able to stay so strong... Thank you all for your continued love and warming thoughts, believe it or not you have made this bumpy road a bit smoother for me....

It's amazing isn't it! That even in our darkest moments, us humans can still find joy and share love... and that is our biggest strength.

love...peace...joy...