Saturday, July 18, 2009

what do I feel????

First and foremost....PAIN, the likes of which no one should ever have to feel...

ANGER... at the unfair destination that Gag's path was led to... and the moments of difficulty that his boys will have to endure through life...

EMPTINESS... as I am now half of myself... and that void, that dark spot in my heart will never be whole again...

I miss him each moment I take a breath... I cry... I laugh... I eat... I hug our boys...I see his friends... I talk to his mom.... I kiss his sister.... in other words... as I live and breath...

And as the day winds down, and the people skater back to their homes... after countless cups of coffee, and many tears and laughs shared with each visitor... as I retreat into the darkness of the night, as my eyes give into sleep... right then that very quite moment all by myself is when I feel the horrendous loss of that one person who was always there next to me each night at this... last moment of the day...

Will we survive and go on???
We will! We must!... if not for any reason but to keep Gag alive...

Will the pain ever go away???
But there will be many happy moments shared with family and friends that will make the pain seem just a little more bearable...




  1. My heart is with you and your family...and you're right, you and the boys can keep Gag alive.

    I am praying for you.

  2. I'm so sorry your boys and you have to go through these hard times. Life won't be the same anymore but yes it will heal in time. He's forever in our hearts. May his soul rest in peace.
    You guys are always in my thoughts.
    -Ani S.

  3. I am so filled, seeing your words. I send you Gods blessings. Gag will live in each one of you.
    You are in my families prayers.

  4. I hear you and feel the pain in your words. May you find comfort and peace. Rest well and know He'll give you the strength. You won't have to do it on your own. Blessings. Deb

  5. Mari,

    Again, so sorry for your loss. The alone moments can get really difficult, i understand. Take your time.I wish you and ur boys peace and love..

  6. Mari:

    Please know that you and your sons are in my heart and my prayers as you begin putting the pieces of your lives back together. As in every journey, yours will begin one step at a time. There will be missteps, for sure, and some unsteady moments when the road feels rocky and tentative. But you will continue on because your hearts know that for this wonderful man to live on and for the world to remember that he was here and he was significant in so many will have to carry him forward and keep his legacy alive. That is perhaps the best aspect of loving so deeply...that he continues to live on in the hearts and minds of those who love him. So, yes, there are many changes. But one thing remains steadfast. Gag is still with you. He is still at your side. And he will never leave you. His essence has been transformed into a light so powerful that nothing can ever really separate you.

    I look forward to your continued sharing the stories of your life. You and Gag have inspired all of us to love more deeply, see more keenly, and give more freely. You see, the legacy has already begun working its magic.

  7. try to focus on your common precious moments and don't let the void devour you. be strong! eliane from ireland

  8. AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN!! So well expressed. Thank you for sharing.

  9. Sorry I forgot to put my name above, it's Alice. It seems to work when I post it as anonymous.

  10. Mar, there are no words that will give you comfort right now. But faith and time will heal you and make the pain a lot more bearable. You are in my prayers....always. love, gigi