Thursday, April 23, 2009

Be Prepared!

The past few days have been.... let's just say, extremely difficult.

It all started, when on Tuesday, sitting in the doctor's office, our world came to a screeching halt. What the tests have revealed is everything we didn't want to hear, but are faced with now. Not only has the cancer spread throughout his chest cavity lymph nodes, and his esophagus, it has also moved up to his brain and is slowly eating away at his entire body. It is now, only a matter of time, we are told.
I find it very difficult putting these words down, the more I say it or write it down the more real it seems. But, let's face it, it is real, it is here, and I can't do anything to stop it from happening. Gagik and I talked about it later that day, I wanted him to express what he was feeling inside, and that it was ok to talk about it. For those of you who know him, know that he is a very calm, logical, "black and white" person, and very optimistic, that is who he has always been. But I knew how hard hearing all this was for him and wanted to reach out to him and let him know that he doesn't need to hold it in.... this is what he had to say, I quote:

" It is what it is, it just took a different turn that's all. I am very happy with my life, I have no regrets. And, yes I am upset and angry, but will yelling and breaking things change anything? We just have to do the best we can."

I think what bothers him the most about this whole situation is, how much pain all this is causing all of us, as in me, his sister, mom, the kids and everyone else, that's Gagik, always concerned with everyone but himself.
The doctor said that with some radiation on the brain, we can at least prevent a stroke or other symptoms that are associated with the brain tumors, ( like the slurred speech he experienced a few times) and we will still continue with chemo treatments per Gagiks request, even though the treatment at this point will most likely not help. It seems like from that whole conversation in the doctors office, what stuck in his head is the "small chance that the treatments might work", and that's what we have to hang on to right now.
What amazes me about him, is the courage and patience with which he is handling all this, not one complaint, as to "why me" or "what now", the countless hours of nausea, and vomiting, and the pain he has to deal with. Considering all that he is going through.... he still manages to crack a joke or laugh about something, not to mention flirt with the nurses. What an incredible person. He is a true hero. To stare death in the eye, to feel it's cold breath upon you, and still come out standing tall, with hope in one hand and humor in the other. We can all learn a thing or two from him.
So, from here on, we just live a moment at a time, cherishing every good day, and surviving the bad ones. We hope for the best still, and be prepared for the worse.

But is anyone ever really prepared.......?

Now I have the difficult task of telling his sister and mom about all this.


  1. Hi Marin, this is the first time I am reading your blog. Wow, I love the way you express yourself. What a wonderful outlet during such an ugly and difficult time. I am so glad I saw Gag yesterday. Even though he looked weak and unwell, he still managed to maintain a sense of humor and so much courage can be seen in those eyes of his. He is the same gag...that hasn't changed and when you talk to him you realize this. I am constantly praying for you, him and the kids.

    Love, ANI

  2. speechless....
    still hoping for a miracle.