Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ugly Reality

Today turned out to be a very challenging day. The silence in the car on our way to radiation treatment was not a good thing. Gagik wasn't himself today, no jokes or any small talk, he just sat there quietly. I looked over at him, he had a tired look on his face, and seemed miles away, submerged in deep thought.

I started wondering.... was he thinking of the past and all the things he could have done differently, was he thinking of the future and all the things left undone? Or was he worried about me and all that this situation is putting me through, or the kids and how much they are going to be needing him.... I just lost it, and tears came pouring down, I had to hold back and not let him see me. And everything that I thought I was handling, seemed to crumble on top of me. I started thinking of "why" and ''how" is this all happening to us, to him.

He has always thought of others, and has been kind and gentle, and has always been happy with what he has, never complained or wished for things beyond reach. Our days were always filled with joy and hard work, family and friends always came first, we never lost ourselves in greed or envy, or wished any harm to anyone.... Why were we put on this horrid road and left to deal with this suffering?? What about all the things we still want to do together, all the dreams and plans we have? Why are we being robbed of that? To be so happy together and to have to be put through this "test". WHY?

I know I always say that I'm done with the "why" question, I've come to terms with this reality and am dealing with it as best as I can, but when I saw his face today, it just killed me, I hate that he is going through this.... WHY? WHY? WHY?

Yes, everyone including me say that we need to stay positive and strong, and hang on to hope always, well.... when you are in the eye of this terrible storm and you see pieces of your life tearing apart, it becomes very hard to practice what we preach.
I just can't put any words together to describe the pain in my heart, nor can any of us understand and feel what Gag has to go through every day.

Of course, I also had to go take care of something... to be prepared for the unthinkable day, and I won't talk about that now, but that was not easy to do either...

What an ugly, ugly day this was, I'm glad it's almost over and tomorrow will be a better day, I know it, I have to hope for that.


  1. This made me cry...I'm praying for you guys all the time. You are such an inspiration. I wish I could hang out with Arman and Robert more often and that we were closer. You are all very special...

  2. Awww Kok, that's sweet. And you guys should make more time to hang out together..
    love ya!