As I slowly start to accept the terrible reality that awaits us, I learn different ways of dealing with things. Let me explain.... for the past couple of weeks, since we learned that things are not going to get better with Gagik, I've been wanting him to express himself to me, to tell me things that he wants me to know, or to take with me through life, give me advice, share his thoughts, and I've been wanting him to do the same with the boys, which he is not able to do at this time. And as I was discussing this with my best friend, she felt my frustration and had this to say (which made sense and made me realize..), she said " Mar, just let it go..., just take what he has shared up to this point and keep in your heart the things that he has taught you and the boys".
So here is the thing....
Yes I want him to do all that, I want him to open up and maybe tell me things he's never told me..... but all this is for me. And this is not about me.. this is his life, he is going through this and if he is not ready or willing to go that deep, then I do have to let it go. And if at any point he does feel like telling me things then it will be a great gift to me, if not, then.... I have to accept that and take all that we've had together, and all that we have experience and shared and learned together, and cherish it, keep it in my heart. And believe me, in the short 17 years we've had together we have possibly experience and shared more together than some people do in a lifetime.
And this goes for all of you out there who know and love him as well. I know at times we want him to take part in family gatherings and friendly outings, but if he is not up to it then we can't be selfish and just expect that of him. The truth of the matter is, this is very hard for him, he loves life, gatherings and happy occasions and he knows that they are numbered for him now, but we have to let him enjoy those things at his own pace. I am sure that on some days, he doesn't want to be around anyone, or to see anyone, maybe because the pain is too much inside... I don't know, I can't explain it, but as much as we need to be there for him, we also need to give him that space he needs to come to terms with this situation his own way.
I know it is a difficult task for all of us, but again this is not about us. This is about him!
Life is an ongoing learning process, through good times and bad there is much to be learned!
LOVE AND PEACE!