Friday, May 8, 2009


Wanted to update you all on Gagik's condition. He will be done with his radiation treatments on Wednesday, it has been a tough couple of weeks, with chemo once a week and radiation everyday, he is pretty exhausted and drained. He is feeling a little bit stronger, but with all the treatments and medications he's on it's taking it's toll on him. He is loosing weight still, almost 3-4 lbs a week. When we weighed him yesterday before radiation, I said "I don't understand why you're loosing so much weight, you're eating ok..." (how stupid of me right?). He looked at me and said " what do you expect" , as if to imply....."I'm dying what did you think"...... Every time I hear him say things like that it just chokes me up, and he is right, he knows what's going on inside him, and I know it's the reality but... what should I do, I just put it in the back of my mind so I don't have to face the truth every day? That's a tough thing.

Speaking of tough things, I had a very difficult "mother" moment yesterday. I had told Arman about dad's worsened condition a week or so ago, but we never really went deep into it.
Well... yesterday we had a heart to heart, and let me tell you it was the most difficult thing I ever had to do as a mom. I know as a 15 year old every little problem you encounter seems like the end of the world, but for him, now at the verge of loosing his dad..... is pretty much the end of the world. He said so many things that I never thought was going through his mind and it was so painful to hear as a mother. He cried and just couldn't understand why this is happening and how unfair it is, and how concerned he was about how Robert would handle it... "I just can't be around him mom, it hurts to see him like this"!

How do you explain to this 15 year old boy at the doorsteps of becoming a man, the time where he really needs his dad.... that it is what it is, and that we have no control of certain things in this life and that we have to except it, and try and survive this horrid time... come out of it still intact and not to loose ourselves in it's sadness.....
The only things I was able to reassure him with are the fact that we are together in this and that we will survive this and that him and his brother need to live their lives to the fullest and succeed and live happy lives to make dad proud.

Being a mother is a joyous thing, a rewarding thing, a gift, a privilege, and yes at times the most painful thing, because every little pain your child feels... you feel it a hundred times more.

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