road to recovery part 2..

I guess I spoke too soon this morning... as it turns out I was able to shake it off, get busy and pass the day a bit more productively than I though.

I tackled a couple of jobs today that I've been putting off... and as usual the tasks only seem daunting and horrendous when you think about them, but not as much when you are actually in the middle of taking care of them. For example, I had to order Gag's tombstone today... and just the thought of it has been so heavy in my mind that I was afraid it would be too difficult, and don't get me wrong it was... let's just say an unusual task... it was a bit unreal... designing what you want on your beloved husbands tombstone.... but it wasn't as horrible as I had thought...

Then there was the task of going through his clothes.... now this I was really dreading... but once again.. as I went through his things slowly, remembering happy occasions in some of his shirts... smelling his jackets and caps... and very quickly discarding the clothes that he wore throughout his torturous illness.... I got through that too, letting some tears free and smiling at times. And again it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. Perhaps it's the satisfaction of having taken care of a task that's been on your mind for so long that gives you this peace and once it's done... yet another chapter closes, and a new one can begin.

So, it turned out to be not such a bad day, yes many painful moments... but as I sit here typing away... I hear the kids out in the pool, splashing and laughing away... and that alone puts a little smile on my face.... they are happy right this moment.... that's all I want now.

love...peace...joy...

And just wanted to thank all of my cyber friends for your words that sink so deep into my heart and help me see the light so many times...THANK YOU!

the road to recovery...

It's morning again.... I wake up every morning with a very heavy heart... perhaps hoping as I open my eyes, that... I was having a nightmare and that all is well, but.... still wake up to this cruel reality.

On some mornings I am able to shake it off, get busy and find the positive of the day... and other times... I just want to retreat into a dark corner and wallow in my pain. This is that morning.

I lay there in bed and start thinking, and the more I think the more I am reminded of this terrible situation we're in now. Every moment of every day he is on my mind, I miss his presence... then my mind goes on a speeding train and the "what ifs" start to surface....
what if I can't do the best I can for the boys???
what if I'm not strong enough to get through life with pain in my heart???
what if I can't shake off this misery and can't recover???
what if the boys are faced with things I can't handle???

Yes... I have been strong till now, but this pain in my heart wasn't as suffocating...
And perhaps it's ok to feel this way for a little while, perhaps I don't have to be fine right away and continue life as if nothing has happened, perhaps this is how you grieve,
I just hope we can recover....
And as much as I just want to go back to bed and wallow some more... responsibilities call me...

perhaps a depressing post today, but just as important to have said these words... why else am I blogging???
thanks for lending an ear....

love... peace... joy...

slow steps

Took my first walk in months this morning... the air was cool, the sun was hiding behind a thick blanket of clouds and the streets were quite, just a few solitary joggers were out. The first steps were tough as I am now very much out of shape and overall tired, and the solitude... as much as it's good for us... it does get us thinking about a lot of things. And as my thoughts took me deeper and deeper I found myself overwhelmed... with all the things that I'm responsible for now, all the people I have to worry about and the important decisions I need to make.....


Then I stopped at this fence to catch my breath and to lean on a bit.... after a few deep breaths... it was all clear.... Yes the first steps in this new life of ours (that includes Gag's sister, mom, our boys, friends and family)... will be very hard and the difficulties are going to overwhelm us at times, but that's why we have each other... to be this fence we can lean on and to help us breath easily once again....
We'll have to trek through familiar roads at first, taking slow steps, stopping once in a while to clear our minds, catch our breaths and rest. And we'll start getting stronger little by little and start to notice the beauty that surrounds our lives, we'll be able to take more unfamiliar paths and turn corners our eyes can't see. But we'll always have each other in case we need to lean...


My heart started opening a bit with each step and each time I stopped to take a picture of the wild flowers along the sidewalk....


I started noticing a smile growing on my face...


By the end of my short walk my spirit was lifted a little and I felt good about having had this walk (and glad I took my camera).
This new journey of ours... like I said will be a challenging one for us all, but we'll get through it together with slow baby steps, stopping along the way to see life and enjoy it together. And in the end we will all have a gratifying feeling of having made it through this tough, rugged road that is life...

Enjoy your day everyone...
(I'll have to take you all on a photo tour of our little town one day....)


love... peace... joy...

life without Gag....

I stopped by our shop yesterday... and everywhere I turned... every shelf, every drywall, every drop sealing, every wire, every counter...was him. He built, and built every bit of that place with his own two hands, his own sweat dripping from his forehead. As I walked around the office... looking at the countless "best coach" soccer plaques and the sample pictures he had printed on the walls... it took me back to so many memories we've had there, hours of talks we've had about the changes that needed to be made... the clients that needed to be taken care of...all the little decisions we needed to make... what color the door should be painted after the many renovations.... In other words the shop is our other baby, one that we both have nurtured together and one where he has spent many sleepless nights with.
I felt sad at first...as I missed him being there... but then I realized that this too is a part of him he left behind and this too will enrich our lives.... Arman by the way has started going to the shop a few hours a week, helping out with the workload and kinda keeping an eye on things... so sweet... my little man.

On the way home, I passed by the coffee shop where we walked to on some mornings holding hands... strolling along the sidewalk...like we had not a care in the world. We would get our coffee and talk about the work day ahead. I'd always rush... he would always slow me down..."where are you rushing to???". So typical of Gag, take things slow in life.... As I drove by, my eye caught a glimpse of the table where we sat... and I found myself drowning in tears again...

Visited his mom in the evening with the boys.... she too found herself drowning in her own tears and pain as she held on to the boys tightly... trying to get a bit of Gagik out of them... how deep is her pain??? She is a reminder of him for me... as we are a reminder of him for her. And some of those great memories are a bit painful for the time being but still warm our hearts... and that is what we have to keep us going.

Had dinner at Gag's favorite Chinese restaurant, and I could tell the boys got a bit emotional as we sat there glancing over the menu. Arman started making us laugh to lighten the mood (dad's son... always the joker). As we talked about what dad liked on the menu, I explained that it was ok to talk about him, and even though it hearts a lot, but it also makes us laugh, and remembering him will always keep him in our hearts and therefore in our lives.

At the end of the day... when I look at the boys, kiss them goodnight, that is when I feel that we will get through this together. They are all the strength I need and I have enough love for them both...

Life will go on... with many tears... many laughs...but always surrounded by love (his and mine).

love...peace...joy...

just a few words...

My dear friends.... I seem to have a bit of trouble putting words together... and that is perhaps to be expected....

But, I feel... I need to express a few thoughts....

First of all, let me just say.... the journey was tough... the past few days have been surreal.... and the path that lays ahead seems to be even tougher...

Let me also share with you the images on my mind from all the ceremonies of the past few days...
I'm so thankful to all of our family and friends for being such a big support during this horrid time in our home, I've been so blessed by all of your presence and love.

The wake... what can I say about that evening... with a usual Gagik manner... everything went smoothly, there was a certain light and ease about the place... his light spirit was ever present, and the strength he passed on to us was powerful. I had prepared a slide show of his life.... Nicole sang a beautiful song which she had composed.... my brother read some words put together by a friend of Gag's who couldn't attend.... we had live duduk (Armenian flute) music in the background... and I read the poem I had written for him some time ago, which I had not planned to do, but was thrust to do so by a force from within. My boys stood tall and strong by my side and we gave one another strength to get through that night.

The cremation... A very private, calm, serene... goodbye was said by a small group of us who loved him the most... and the boys pushed the button and said goodbye to dad... we felt so light and the heaviness was lifted from our hearts that day...

The burial... As requested by Gag... half of his ashes were buried today... along with it we all put some sentimental items in the box and once again said goodbye to Gag...

As he was in life.... simple...calm...joyous...beautiful...pure... as did all the ceremonies proceeded...

And as the days give into nights and the sun comes up again and again... I see how difficult it is going to get still.... for all of us. We miss him....

I miss his hands and the way he held me....
I miss his lips and the gentle way he kissed my neck....
I miss his loving eyes and the way he looked at me...with the glance that implied so much....
I miss his voice and the long talks we had....
This list can go on and on..
And I see now, as I knew it from before... as much as I feel the love he left behind in my heart and the memories that linger in my soul.... his physical absence is what's going to be very challenging for me to get used to... and I know with time it will get easier....but.....!

There are many more thoughts to be shared, and stories to be told.... a few unexplained things that took place around his passing.... Michael's arrival and the timing....
Another day my friends... all will be written about...

Thank you all for being with me through this journey...every word you wrote stayed with me and warmed my heart....I thank you!

love...peace...joy...

farewell my love...

These are the things I love about Gag.....

He is a strong man, yet very gentle.
He is hard working, yet lives his life in the slow pace.
He loves wholehearted, yet doesn't smother.
He gives and gives, yet never expects in return.
He has seen much sorrow, yet never complains.
His compassion is deep, and his understanding even deeper.
He has the patience of a wise man, and the wisdom of an old soul.
Though he is a quiet man, he says much with his actions.

This is the man I love...!


And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion

Dylan Thomas

what do I feel????

First and foremost....PAIN, the likes of which no one should ever have to feel...

ANGER... at the unfair destination that Gag's path was led to... and the moments of difficulty that his boys will have to endure through life...

EMPTINESS... as I am now half of myself... and that void, that dark spot in my heart will never be whole again...

I miss him each moment I take a breath... I cry... I laugh... I eat... I hug our boys...I see his friends... I talk to his mom.... I kiss his sister.... in other words... as I live and breath...

And as the day winds down, and the people skater back to their homes... after countless cups of coffee, and many tears and laughs shared with each visitor... as I retreat into the darkness of the night, as my eyes give into sleep... right then that very quite moment all by myself is when I feel the horrendous loss of that one person who was always there next to me each night at this... last moment of the day...

Will we survive and go on???
YES! We will! We must!... if not for any reason but to keep Gag alive...

Will the pain ever go away???
NO! But there will be many happy moments shared with family and friends that will make the pain seem just a little more bearable...

GAGIK, HIS LOVE, HIS LEGACY WILL LIVE ON!!!


love.... peace....joy....

At 8:38 pm on Wednesday, July 15th 2009, the world lost an amazing human being !

And Heaven gained an awesome Angel !


Posted on behalf of Mari

Peace and Love

distance...

I decided today.... that I need to let my heart breathe...

I've taken all I can.... my heart can't take it anymore...

Seeing him like this just destroys all the beautiful images of him I have inside...

I've stood strong, and patient, and have done all I can...

Now... I have to let him be... the nurses that care for him do it well, and I just can't care for him anymore... I will go in and kiss his hand ever so gently now and then... but can't overstay my welcome, he wants to go... I can't have him anymore... I have to let go...

I have an ache, that wont go away... not for a long time....

with a heavy heart....

peace

love lasts....

our love will live on forever.....

peace

yet another update....

So... here we are... I decided to take some time and fill you all in on what's going on here....

The past 2 weeks have been so unimaginable... It was just a couple of weeks ago when Gag and Rob sat down for their painting adventure together... and as weak and in pain he was.. he could still function, talk, laugh and make us laugh. Well my friends, this cancer is just so fast and efficient at it's work... it just progressed so much so quickly, and has damaged so many parts of his body....

For the last two days we've had to have a 24 hour nurse here to try and control the unbearable plain that he's in... And this is what's killing me now, the ONE request he had... to please make sure he has no pain and we can't make that happen at times. He shouldn't have to suffer so much....

So, for the moment his pain is controlled.... yes he is out of it most of the time and he looks like he's in peace in his sleep... yes we still wanted him to be alert and share a few more words with us but... it is not as important as him not feeling any pain. He still comes to sometimes and still has a few things to say... like whispering to my mom..."take care of the boys"... or to say to whoever comes to visit... how much he loves them. And he is still asking about when Micheal (his old friend) is coming?? He is arriving on Tuesday evening, and Gag is so concerned about not being able to see him, or to communicate with him... I wish he could come sooner... but....

And now... our only wish is that he has an easy transition, a light journey into the other world, a journey with no pain... a journey without care or worry....

So, I keep whispering to him... not to worry about us, and that the boys and I will be fine... and that he may leave in peace.... His spirit needs to be freed from this physical body that is so scarred with so much pain and disease...

And I hope that all the horrid images from the past weeks will not stay in my mind for too long, and instead I will remember the few good moments we had during this journey... and the little kisses he still blows at me when he opens his eyes and sees me, the way he holds my hand and squeezes it tight yet ever so gently... these are the things I want my heart to hold on too... because everything else is just so painful... that it could very easily take over my soul.

That is all my friends.
I also wanted to send many thanks to all of you for all the love you've sent our way... this would have been so much more unbearable without you all.

love and peace!

a few sips of Jack and a thousand tears later....

having to choose which casket would "suit" your 48 year old husband does something to a person...... (I can't believe we're getting so close.....)


so this is what I did to conquer myself last night.... otherwise I would have drowned.

"One may conquer in battle a thousand times a thousand men, yet he is the best of conquerors who conquers himself" ----Buddha

love and peace...

grooming 101..

Girls.... learn how to shave your man!

I hope you'll never have to do it for reasons I am....but you never know when it might come in handy...

With all that I have to do to care for Gag.... some more challenging than others....

For some reason this is what I've had the most trouble with..... ( how strange????)


It's amazing that we still find things in this terrible daily battle to laugh about... and boy was it funny.... had a good chuckle... both of us... wish there was a hidden camera somewhere..... "funniest video of the year" award...

thanks for laughing with us today...
love and peace with a bit of a smile :)

my little "man"

It seems like just yesterday... we rushed to the hospital to welcome our first baby into our world. After 20 some hours in labor and with the help of my amazing coach (Gag)... we looked at our firstborns face and shared a ton of tears together... what a beautiful day that was... Gag always says that was the greatest day in his life.... Two and a half years later came our second boy Rob... and the first thing he did was pee on the doc... but that's another story...

And today.... when I look at the face we first saw in that delivery room, I see a young man... who has grown to be such an amazing person...

A couple of days ago... I lost my iron mask... and broke down and cried in front of Arman... I never let myself do that in front of the boys... I want them to know that I'm standing strong for all of us and I don't want them to get scared and worried about me or their future... But, I had gone through a very difficult day and just couldn't hold it in.... and I was comforted by a compassionate, caring, loving young man.... was this that little baby?? The one that used to keep us up all night to read him stories??? How did the years go by so fast... and now I see him standing tall and strong who is willing to be that wall behind my back... to catch me when I fall...

He has been more attentive and helpful in the care of dad... and yes for that I'm so thankful, and proud of him for stepping up to the plate and slowly fitting into the mold of a man, but.... I didn't want him to be thrust into this role so early in his life... and still want him to know that I'm here, that I will still take care of him (them).....and that he doesn't need to grow up so fast... and that in no way will I stand by and see him miss out on his youth... and the best years of his life... just to care for me.... I know.. I know... I'm sounding a bit dramatic... perhaps because that metal lock is off my heart today and the tears are freely sliding off my cheeks...as the words look blurry.... I will stop now.

Yes, life is not being fare to our boys... they need their father and will always need him, at times more that others, but I will always be here... I have made a promise to Gag that although their lives will never be the same....and they will have tough times (that's life), but I will make sure that they will have many happy and joyous days as well...

ok, I seriously can't see the screen anymore....

keep love and peace in your hearts..

adding drops to the bucket.....

What special moments were had this morning.... We took out Gag's old paintings... and as we slowly went through each one... unwrapping them... revealing each painting brush stroke by brush stoke.....

Gag introduced each one of his creations, and shared the story behind each painting... behind each shade of color, each character... and we all sat there like wide eyed kids waiting to see how the story unfolds....



This last one he started and never finished... he told Rob that perhaps one day he can take over and finish his story.

At times we humans can be quite a disappointing species.... yet at times we surprise even ourselves.... In the face of all this pain... in this storm we find ourselves caught in... we somehow still were able to steal a few more memories to store, a few more images in our minds to recall later... as I said in one of my older posts (Venice Beach).... we were able to add a few more drops in this bucket of our life's great moments.

And moments like these are far few in between now.... As he is getting weaker, and ever more frail... it is becoming more and more of a challenge to fill our days with joy and laughter. But still each day I wake up, gather whatever strength I have left inside.. and make it the best day possible for all of us... as hard as it is becoming for me... as my emotions get in the way at times... so for the time being I have put on my steel face... and a large metal lock on my heart so that I may carry out our days like this for as long as we can. And so thankful am I to have him with us each new day.

love and peace my friends...

p.s. please excuse the bad quality photos... camera was not cooperating today... and I had no energy to argue ;)

music from my heart.....

Another tough day.... heavy heart....these notes speak for my heart today...

love on canvas....

the arteeeest at work......

his choice of fruit...
the end product.... not bad for my little artists first try huh.....
a closer look reveals nice lines.....
Gag's finished painting... his hands were so shaky...but he was determined to finish it....
and hey.... I dabbled a bit too.... don't laugh!... I've never painted before... let alone create on a canvas with oils.... :)

The important thing is that Rob enjoyed it and he wants to paint another one.... yayyyy..... success!!!

love and peace...