random thoughts from beach side

When you find yourself lounging around with nothing to do... nowhere to be... you need to entertain yourself right??? And how does one do this? If surrounded by lots of people... do what I do... the next best thing to gossip... people watching (Gag and I loved to do this).
Ok, first you will need the necessary gear: dark sunglasses (so people can't tell where your eyes are lurking about); a margarita on the rocks (or beverage of choice); some sort of reading material (just to look busy); and music if you like a soundtrack to go with the picture :). You're set, now sit back and just enjoy....

So, here are some of the things I observed during this session of people watching, while I sipped on my drink, taking in the sun and the gorgeous view in front of me.... mind you some of these issues really tick me off... or grind my gears if you will... ok ...

#1.. This is what I don't get about people (well just one of the things)... they pay loads of money to fly miles away to a dreamy destination with white sandy beaches and turquoise water... only to spend 90% of their time there in the POOL!!! They choose the chlorine filled, sweat, mucus and pee infested water (ya... you think those kids are actually going to come out of the pool to pee... or the drunk adults for that matter?... don't think so).
So what is it, that draws them to the pool??? The wet bar??? You can get your drinks delivered beach side too people... I just don't get it... oh well to each his own, all I'm saying is... why then, go to the Caribbean? You can just stay at a Comfort Inn somewhere in Oklahoma.. and just hang out at the pool (not that there is anything wrong with Oklahoma...)
And this time we didn't only have the sand and the turquoise water... we had our own private little reef, where you could snorkel for free and see marine life with all it's beauty, like barracudas... colorful tropical fish... lovely corals etc. etc... I just don't get it...

#2..And this really pisses me off... it's sad to say that this one I have noticed more from the American tourists than any other countrymen. Why oh why can't we be nicer to the staff, to the people that work their butts off to make sure that your "all inclusive" vacation goes smoothly and that all your needs are met. Wow... I can't tell you how many times I've held myself back from slapping someone upside down for giving an attitude to someone who is trying to do the best they can for you.
And this "American" arrogance we have... the attitude that we are the best in the world and everyone else is crap... just needs to go away. Please, why do we need to be rude and talk down to people just because they live in another country, or just because they clean your room, your table at the restaurant, or are there only to see to your needs??? They deserve just as much respect as any fellow human being.... Stop it ok? And just for the record... some of our bus drivers in Mexico knew more about world affairs than most people in this country... sorry to say we've got our head so far up our a-- that we have no time for the world...
Ok I better stop here... don't want to get in trouble ;) Oh and one more thing... just because gratuities are not mandatory at an all inclusive resort... doesn't mean you can't still tip them...

#3... This one is more on a personal level...
I watched a couple sitting close together on the beach, mumbling something to each other... and I thought how cute... they're so in love... probably whispering sweet nothings to one another... how romantic. Of course I got teary... I missed Gag right then. But, a few moments went by and I realized that they were actually arguing... and it escalated to the point where she got up and walked away...(wow you must think I'm one of those nosy neighbors huh). This really got me thinking... what could have been so important to argue over... to get in the way of that beautiful moment....
You're sitting just steps away from this beautiful water, the sun was starting to set, so the light was casting golden hues on all things... you're on vacation... miles away from your worries, hopefully sitting next to someone you care a great deal about.... so what could be that important to cast a shadow on that very moment? Who knows... I guess if you are not happy in your personal life... it doesn't matter where you are, those problems will not go away.
I wish people would just stop fussing over little, insignificant things, and just really see every moment for it's beauty, really grasp it and inhale... how sad for those who can't understand that...

Well I won't bore you with more of the random observations I made... instead I'll just leave you with one more thought about our human race...
What is it about free alcohol.... people just can't seem to control the amount that goes in their mouths... watching drunk people attempting to play beach volleyball... now that was fun... what a scene.

I'll be posting some of our pictures later this week. Remember when bored... just watch people around you... great entertainment.


Love...Peace...Joy...

back to reality....

Here we are back home... back to reality. So much has happened in that puny little week we were gone....wow I guess life doesn't stop just cause you're out of town :) Never a dull moment in LA, the view from the plane and on the road home was of a city lost in all the smoke from the fires of the past few days. This picture might not show the mushroom like cloud of smoke that looked as though it would devour downtown LA at any moment. This morning that smoke had spread all over the city and ash covered everything in sight... like I said never a dull moment...



Well... smokey air or not we still visited Gag this morning, and I guess he's been busy too... the tombstone has been placed, it looks beautiful (if it can be called that)... but it is perfect, a simple stone for a simple guy. I guess it's been set in stone now... no more denying this reality... I'm still pissed that he is gone... but like he always said... "it is what it is"... and there isn't a thing we can do about it... We took some flowers, and a mortadella sandwich.... why you ask?? That's what he asked from me when he visited me in my dream the other night, the first time I've seen him in a dream since he left (strange request... but a request from him nonetheless)...



And... as I went through my mail this morning (the regular paper mail.. you know that gets delivered by a mailman)... I found a couple of cards addressed to me from my lovely blog buddies, how sweet is that?? One was from Julochka, all the way in Denmark, and the other from Ali in the beautiful state of Georgia. Can you guess which one is Julie's? :) Ali also included a little notepad that's too cute, now every time I'm jotting something down I'll be thinking of you darlin. Both had some beautiful words for me, both are awesome ladies and have been great supportive blog friends, I hope someday to join them at Blog Camp and really get to know them in person.


The last little heart warming surprise was yet another award, given to me by another great blog friend, Shannon. Thank you my dear, this award really made me smile inside.

So, it would appear that life does go on... whether you're present or not. But of course it makes it so much better when you are "present", and have your mind, eyes, and heart open to see all that is happening around you.
Our trip was very nice, all of us got a lot of rest and had oodles of fun which I'll go into with details on another day, it was a much needed getaway.... and yet coming home to all the smiling faces of family is always such a bonus. And as harsh as this reality is that we've come back to.... it is still life... our life... filled with much beauty, joy, sadness, pain, and great memories... so we move onward now... with a little more energy and strength.

love...peace...joy...

a kiss to build a dream on...

Today is the 29th of August.... it would have been our 17th wedding anniversary....

We danced to this lovely song on our wedding, it was our first dance as a married couple, and as we swayed to the tune, and the crowd disappeared... we talked about the beautiful life we were starting... and the dreams that we had.... we were so happy....
And we did.... live some of those dreams together... shared a beautiful life for 17 years...and as much as my heart aches now.... I feel so fortunate for having had him in my life... the love we have.... is timeless.

The words to this song have an entirely new meaning for me now... because you see... he did...he gave me one last "kiss before he left me... and my imagination will feed my hungry heart".....

Enjoy the song.... Louis is brilliant....


love...

beauty

beauty is all around us,
open your hearts,
open your minds,
open your eyes,
breath it all in.

Buenos dias...

Even though I had a scheduled post for today... just wanted to check in and say buenos dias to you guys...

Asides from some minor setbacks earlier, I'm happy to report that we are doing much better now...For the moment it's just me and Robert in the room, waiting for a house call from the doc, it would appear that Robert had a reaction to a fly bite, his arm is a bit swollen, but he'll be fine, nothing a little Cortisone and Zyrtec can't fix.

Arman, with no surprise to any of us... has once again gathered a social club of a few teens (7 boys and a couple of girls..."hoties") and is the organizer of their activities... my little social butterfly... so needless to say he is having a blast, we hardly see him during the day, just at meal times, and that's fine, as long as he's having fun.

Now on to yours truly.... well.... not realizing how white I am... and how long the sun hasn't seen some parts of my body.... with all the sunscreen, I still got sunburned in a few spots, but it's not too bad. You tend to lose track of time when you are swimming in that turquoise Caribbean water, with tropical fish just all around you... the boys and I were out there for hours snorkeling, Rob trying to catch fish with his own bare hands... a must see experience :)
I'm also happy to report that as lame as I though the pool aerobics looked... I actually had a good time and made the boys laugh a lot, when I jumped in and joined a semi drunk group of seniors as they attempted to copy the instructor's moves... that was the most fun I had in a long time...

Anyways... we're really enjoying every moment of our adventure so far.... even the down parts.... we've bonded and opened up to each other, and that's the whole idea behind this trip.

We're off to Chichen Itza tomorrow, which should be a great experience, then we have Tulum on Thursday and a Mayan Adventure tour on Friday which includes stops at a great snorkeling lagoon, an under ground cavern, and a 12foot dive into a sink hole (mayan cenotes).

Looking forward to all the adventures we have planned, I most likely will not report back here, but still have a couple of posts scheduled for you all, thanks for sticking around and checking on us :)


love...peace....joy...

a quote....

"However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? " ----Buddha

the first day....

Day one was a tough one....
It started with the window seat... as I saw Arman looking out with a huge smile on his face... it reminded me of how Gag would get glued to that tiny window as the plane took off (his favorite part of the flight), and would open the screen every now and then during flight to see the world from above. The four and a half hour flight went by pretty fast as I was lost in thought...memories and drowning in my tears.. Arman slept while Robert found comfort in his sketch pad and pencil.

We settled into our room... the view from the balcony was so beautiful, the pool and the small harbor on one side and the blue Caribbean sea on the other. None of us wanted to leave the room (we were pretty tired, no sleep the night before.) So we retreated under the down comforters... ordered room service and entertained ourselves with a movie.

As I watched the sunset sitting in the balcony... the pool side lounge was playing some jazzy tunes Gag would have appreciated. My eye glanced over at a table in the harbor side restaurant where a couple was enjoying the music, sipping on some wine.... here too I thought of him and how he would have loved that corner table...sitting there for hours, sharing a nice bottle of red, and a well made steak... conversing and swaying to the melody of the evening with me....

We are feeling a little better today... must enjoy the beauty that's around us...

It's obvious that the laptop made it with us on the trip... but... it will not be taking too much time from us... we are off to lounge on the beach all day... the boys will be deciding on what tours they want to go on...so we'll be busy doing the whole "tourist" thing, but will report back in at times.

Adios my friends


love... peace...joy...

(no images to share yet)

and we're off...

wow... what a day...too much to do, too little time... especially when you tend to procrastinate like yours truly here... after running a whole lot of errands, taking care of things at the shop for next week... I was nowhere near being packed by the evening..... of course I also had a foot massage planned with sis Niky (Gag's sister) without realizing that it's the night before we leave, and that I would probably be packing...but who says no to a food massage no matter how busy you are right.....not me. Ahhh pure heaven, 45 minutes of Thai foot massage, followed by 45 minutes of body massage. If you guys haven't had a Thai massage yet.. oh you are missing out... It is like a yoga session and a deep tissue massage all wrapped into one... like I said pure heaven..

Needless to say I came home relaxed and calm... not the state I needed to be in, considering it was close to 10pm and I still had a couple of loads of laundry to do and still had not a thing in the suitcases. I had hoped that the boys would've made some progress with their own packing.... but ya... sure... come on, teen boys??? Arman said just pack me my swim trunks and that's all I need, oh and of course his i-pod.




So... it's almost 2 am.. done with packing and decided to put down some words for you guys. We're finally running away from home... for a nice relaxing holiday, to get some rest, bond, enjoy each other fully, have some fun and see some new places. We have to leave home in a couple of hours...so why sleep when there is facebook to keep you company right :) The boys are really looking forward to going... they love anywhere there is water, so they'll get to swim around while mom hangs on the sand with a nice book in one hand and a margarita in the other... hoping to have a view of the big blue right in front of me....ahhh sounds devine.

I'm a bit excited, a bit nervous...and a bit sad... it is our first trip without Gag, and not a lot of time has passed so, I know there will be moments of sadness...but we'll just deal with it. As a friend said to me today.... this is the first step in creating memories in this new life we have....just the three of us.

I've scheduled a few posts for you all, apparently some of you miss me when I don't write, well.....we can't have that now can we?
And as much as we had decided not to take any hand held games or the laptop... that debate is still on as we speak... can these addicted mother and children go away without the laptop??? Stay tuned.....

I'll miss the cyber world... it has been a good friend for some time... can we survive without it for a whole week???? yikes that is a scary thought :)


love...peace...joy...

announcing....

I'm happy to announce that I will be posting some images on Capturing Beauty,( thanks Philip for this opportunity :) so stop in sometimes and have a look.

Here is my first post... enjoy


love...peace...joy...

the smile behid words...

Something very interesting happened yesterday...

I went shopping for a bathing suit for our trip... (scary thought right???)... and let's face it the stress of the past year and... the lack of exercise etc. etc.... I'm not ashamed to admit, I'm not in the best shape of my life at the moment... so it was.... needless to say an interesting experience... that's where I'll leave that at....

So.. I came home and a few thoughts popped in my head that I wanted to post on facebook... they were at first thoughts that worried me... but as always, I turned those thoughts around and found humor in them. However as a friend said this morning... (it's hard to see the smile behind the words on facebook at times.) And I guess people took me seriously...

This was my post that worried a few people... but I'm sure it made them smile as well...

1. I am an over 40, thousand pound widow, with an ass the size of Texas. (wow that could get pretty depressing)....OR... 2. I am an older, wiser, life loving woman, embarking on a new journey in life. IT'S ALL IN THE WAY YOU LOOK AT IT! I vote for #2. Yasoo!!! peace :)

I know given the circumstances of my situation all my friends worry about me, and maybe they don't see the humor in some of the things the way I do. But if there is anything I've learned in life and especially from Gag... is that you can't take life or yourself seriously all the time... it will drive you mad.... there is no perfection.... you just gotta stay grounded but sway with the wind each day, and once again,(I've mentioned this before...) not fuss over the little things.

I've also learned something about myself during these early stages of this journey... I am extremely calm inside for some reason and humor has possibly been the best friend for us.

I appreciate the fact that all our friends and family care so much and are so concerned with our well being, and at the same time I want them all to know that we are doing ok... we will make it out of this storm yet, and that we are so blessed with such a great circle around us, with every thought, comment, phone call, e-mail, every kind word, we get stronger and stronger each day. (love you guys).

So... a little lesson learned today.... our written words don't always show that smile behind them, and may not always have the same meaning to the reader as they did to the writer.. so, perhaps a little :) or LOL is needed to note the humor.

Wow, each day does present a lesson for us all... the important thing is to be an eager student in this life, ready for our lessons as the day begins.

love...peace...joy...

evidence of life

I decided to make some cupcakes today, for a beautiful young lady. The smell that filled the house was the first evidence of life in a long time, for those of you who know me personally know how much I love to bake, so it was the first time I felt really calm inside. A lot of love went into these lovely treats and it will bring a smile to her face.... that also makes me happy.



Kristine flew all the way from Greece to celebrate her sweet sixteenth birthday with all her cousins, but unfortunately there will not be a big party held for her, none of us feel like celebrating for obvious reasons. So I wanted to do something special for her....



So, with these colorful little delights in hand I'm heading out the door to visit her, I'm hoping that she will enjoy eating these as much as I enjoyed making them. And I hope that today we can at least give her some happy memories to take with her from this trip. Happy birthday dear Kristine!

signing off today with a smile in my heart and on my face...

love...peace...joy...

a plan

I've come down a bit since my ranting hysteria form the other day, it seems that every time Wednesday rolls around I go into an emotional meltdown. Last Wednesday marked the fourth week, and today marks the first month... a month gone and the rest of our lives to go.

I have been thinking a lot the past few days, I've stayed away from the cyber world to sort out my thoughts. And I've at least come to understand why I get so scared at times... I know myself to be a pretty strong person, and the past year and a half the strength that came from within proved to be more than I had imagined possible. However, now that my body is so emotionally and physically drained, I find at times the power depleting, and that is the driving force behind the fear that consumes me. And I find myself worrying about the future and doubting myself. Again all this is to be expected... let's face it the person we have lost was such a big part of our lives... I'd be worried if I wasn't feeling this way.

So... when we are faced with such moments in our lives, and have certain obstacles to overcome... we must stay focused, make a plan, list the things that we want taken care of and proceed forward. And that is exactly what I plan to do. It is a long list, and one that will take some doing, but with patience, and without too many expectations I'll forge on...

First and foremost on the list is health, must take better care of myself and the boys, have some plans with and for the boys, have a few projects at the shop that will need my entire attention, perhaps my cupcakes will resurface again, more writing to be done....and we will take all of this one step at a time. The boys and I have a little vacation coming up, so I'm hoping we'll get some much needed R&R, and some quality time, after which we can come back to our stronger selves, get on with the routine and try to enjoy every day together as Gagik would have wanted.

The pain and the emotions will still be with us every step of the way, but we'll invent ever more creative ways of dealing with them....

Life does go on, it would seem... and it must...

love... peace... joy...

walking the path

As I find myself... just in the beginning of this path to recovery, of healing, of grief that lays ahead, I am so overwhelmed... bewildered...drowning... lost in an ocean of emotions for which I am having trouble finding solutions.

The past few months as we walked that difficult path, hand in hand, Gag and I had each other... and as much as we both tried not to reveal too much of our worries to one another... there was still some comfort, knowing we were there for each other. That's how we were in our marriage, our friendship, our partnership... always ran to each other for support, for a hug, for a few comforting or wise words. And now that I've lost that half of myself... I have to walk this path alone...and it is proving to be so hard on my soul.

Yes, I have so much love and support from family and friends... but I've never leaned on anyone but myself and Gag... so I'm finding it very difficult to reach out... this is not a new development, I've always handled things better alone... however... this path is a new path, one that I have no experience in dealing with. Every day is a new lesson, each moment presents a new emotion to overcome. And even if I reach out for some comfort...it is only temporary...deep down I still have to overcome this myself. Having friends and family close by is a great help for the boys, they can benefit a lot from that support belt.... for me the situation is different.

No matter what I do to keep myself busy during the day... spending time with the boys... the shop.... blogging... facebook... having visitors..... I find no comfort, no relief, no shortage of tears or pain. At the end of the day I'm still left with the burning pain in the pit of my soul... the pain of having lost such a big chunk of my heart.

I'm finding no words to express what I feel, and I am writing today...(with great difficulty)... not so much to get all this out of my system but more for all of you... so that if ever in your lives, any of you find yourselves on this path, that perhaps some of my words will shed light on the uncertainty of the situation and help you walk that path.

The overwhelming emotions of which I speak of come in many disguises... I feel pain, different levels, in different areas... pain in my heart, my body. I feel sadness that weighs a ton on my heart.. the side effects of months of repressed feelings are starting to surface and have caused much damage inside... the longing, each morning of waking up from this nightmare..and the sinking feeling when I open my eyes to find an empty pillow by my side... there are so many thoughts and feeling all the time in my head, the ongoing battle within... having been strong till now... I must be stronger more so now for the boys. Yes, there are moments in any given day of laughter, of good memories, of feeling the love that the boys and I have inside from Gag, and the comfort I feel inside knowing that the last days he spent with us were lived fully. Each day... a new pain to combat, a new emotion to overcome...

These are not emotions, feelings, battles that can be overcome by anyone but me, yes a cry shared with a loved one, some words of comfort... a hug... is a good antidote but not a cure.
This will have to be overcome by me and me alone, and I guess time is the one thing that will help me walk this path.

Time...

the madness that is the internet...

Oh boy where to begin....?? You all know how much my blog has helped me through this tough time in our lives... I've mentioned it in a few posts. I found a little corner for myself to pour my heart out, say so many things that I would not have been able to express if given the "face to face" scenario, my keyboard and I have spent many hours crying together.. laughing together and I've become very attached to this little home of mine in the cyber world. Not to mention the support that I have gotten from all my readers... your comments have helped me through some very difficult moments, and even the silent readers (I know there are many of you out there) have been a bit of a comfort for me. I have found some new friends here and can see myself living in this corner for many years to come.

Then a couple of months ago, as convinced (no nagged) by some friends... I got on facebook as well... and the rest is history. Wow let's talk about facebook shall we? Or as my 13 year old likes to refer to it as the "old farts my-space"... OLD FARTS???? When did this happen??? Now we are referred to as old farts??? Anyways... here is another little corner... a sort of a piazza if you will... a gathering place for friends past and present. I was skeptical at first, I thought who has time for that??? But I will be first to admit... I actually like that little cyber cafe, I've reconnected with so many old friends that have drifted away... a few friends who live in other countries whom I haven't seen for years, and other than the annual x-mas cards had no contact with before.
You can share pictures with, talk to each other, chat on line (I know whatever happened to just picking up the phone right?)... but with life getting so busy nowadays, people have less and less time for face to face gatherings with most of our friends.... this is bad, really bad of course, but hey at least this way you still stay connected.

But... and this is a big BUT.... it can get really mad... between e-mails, blogging, and facebook... there is no time for real life.... yikes that's not good. It's actually quite addicting... you keep wanting to log on and see if there are any new comments... anyone post some new photos of a family vacation or who has something interesting happening in their lives that we absolutely NEED to know about..... WOW it is madness....

But as I find myself a bit of a hermit at the moment, a bit unsociable really... it is a good place for me... for now.



So... perhaps I should go easy on the boys... and shut up about how much time they spend on their games and the computer, now I see why they can't control themselves.... We're the adults and can't seem to stay off the damn computer, so how can we expect it from them?? Well summer is almost over anyways... back to the grind of school :).
By the way if you look really close at the middle picture of Rob's hands, you may get a glimpse of crayon left under his finger nails... this is exactly why he never wants to cut his nails... how will he carve his little art??? (this was totally unrelated to the story, but just had to point it out).

So, I guess this internet thing is possibly a "good" thing... just as long as we don't replace it completely with the real world....

Enjoy your day in cyber city.... and if you have an interesting story to share about your computer world.... do tell.... so I can log on later and find something to read about.... ;)

love...peace...joy...

combating pain...

This morning was tough, the tears started at night and just wouldn't stop... perhaps I needed to cry me a river.... it just drained me so much.... and the pain didn't get any better in the morning either... so I needed a project, something that involved happy memories of Gag and me keeping busy....



And that's just what I did... framed some of his work, devoted a wall and hung them up.... right where we can see them every day. I'm glad the boys have some friends over today and are busy in their own way, but Arman noticed my puffy eyes and gave me the most comforting and gentle hug....took the pain away a bit. I'm so fortunate to have the boys... thank you Gagik for leaving some beautiful angels behind to look out for me.

So a bit of advise from this hurting soul to you.... make not only every day count... but embrace each moment and create a memory worth cherishing. That's all I have for you guys today.

love... peace... joy...

Sunday visit...

Visited Gag again today, till the tombstone is placed I want to make sure the site is marked somehow... fresh flowers every week. His spot is right next to my yaya (grandma), you know she was Greek and liked to feed anyone who walked in the door.... so I think Gag's being well taken care of....

Today I brought him a little treat, his favorite pastry, a nice fresh napoleon with the custard filling, just the way he liked it.... although I'm sure the deer that come down the hill to munch on the flowers at night will enjoy the treat as well.

I could never understand people who went to the cemetery often and spend time there... I always figured, if you miss that person just think about them and that's how they'll stay in your heart, but grandma always tried to make me see her side of it... she lost her son at 35 from a car crash and I don't think she ever got over it till the very last days of her life, but always wanted to spend time at the grave site, considering my uncle was buried in Armenia... this was a tough task... so she used to fly all that way every year just to spend a month visiting her son every day. Again, I could never understand that obsession... of going... cleaning... she even had a bench built there, so she could spend longer hours with him, but you know since I've been visiting Gag every week... it does make you feel a little better... I guess you feel like you're a bit closer.
It's kind of strange actually, considering... he was cremated and we still have half his ashes at home... but still going there... putting some flowers and lighting some essence .... just gives you a different kind of peace...we humans are very strange....
(sorry for the bad images... they were taken with my rinky-dink phone).

Have a great Sunday eve...

love... peace... joy...

Michael....

After a lovely Qi Gong practice this morning, as my mind is feeling clear and I seem to have a lot of energy...perhaps this would be a good day for a story. One that has played over and over again in my head and I've been wanting to share with you all for some time.

For those of you who are new to my blog, this story might make more seance if you go back here and read about Michael then come back and continue with today's post.

As you may remember... Gagik was very pleased to have reconnected with Michael (Father Mardiros as he is now known). They had a few phone conversations and were looking forward to their face to face meeting after 30 years. And when we spoke first, he told us that he would not be able to visit before mid July, as Gag got weaker and weaker, he was concerned about not being able to wait for Michael's arrival. And no matter how much Michael wanted to come earlier his duties at the church would not allow him to. So far the tail is unfolding in a very usual manner, however upon his arrival and the few days he spent with us things were more apparent.

Let me explain what I mean... The timing was unusual... the reason for his arrival and for him being here on those days was again unusual and somewhat unexplained. I've thought about it a lot... why is it that in all the years we've talked about him... I decided to look for him at this time??? And why was he only able to fly out here when he did?? He arrived on July 14th, late in the evening and came right to our home to see Gag, who at that time was already breathing his last breaths, laying there in deep slumber from all the medications that were at least keeping his pain in control.

Michael spent a long time in the room with Gag, talking to him...hoping to get some acknowledgment. He came back the next morning and spent many hours again with him, I let them be.... while sitting in the living room hoping that Gag would at least open his eyes and see Michael's face, as I knew how much he was waiting for that very moment. And he did... for a brief moment he looked at Michael... and I knew he could hear him, he knew it was Michael... I was relieved and glad that even though they didn't have the reunion they had talked about on the phone but at least the connection was made.... A few hours later Gagik was gone...

So, here is my theory.... far fetched you might think, but makes all the sense in the world to me.
Michael was supposed to be here at those very moments, and the hours and days that followed.
His presence here was needed then, his purpose was to be with Gag his last few hours and to give him his last blessing, to welcome him to the light, to make his journey easier. I ask you again... why was he only able to come as he said on the phone to me "not before July 15th".... because that is when he was supposed to be here.

And let me tell you having him here was truly a blessing in so many ways...
He took Gag's hand and led him into the other world...
He was here to talk to the boys in the days that followed...
He was here to give me peace...
He was only disappointed that he couldn't stay to perform his priest duties for the ceremonies that followed.

Was there some Davine plan??? Was this all written in the stars??? It sure seemed that way to us. And as I look back now at the way Gag lived his life and the person he was... it comes as no surprise to me that something special took place and it all happened the way it was supposed to.

And as I hope now, and perhaps just to relieve my pain a bit... I want to think that he did have a more important destiny that went beyond our need for him to remain with us... the answer to that we may never know... but he seemed to have lived his life like an angel without wings... here to change lives... teach love and leave a trail of joy behind him... his duties here on earth were well performed, he passed with flying colors... and even though he had much pain and suffering through his last journey, perhaps that too was a test, the last test... and he handled it with grace, strength, patience and courage... passed that final test into enlightenment...

That's my story... and I'm sticking to it.
Glad I was able to tell this story to you all as I had played it in my mind for so long... what's your take on it???

love...peace...joy...

a magical moment...

Woke up 5:45 this morning to a bright, big, smiling moon starring at me outside my window, (wish I could capture the image better...) my whole bedroom was illuminated as if it was the stage under a spotlight waiting for the star to arrive. Needless to say, I got up and reached for my camera, only to find a full CF card flashing in the dark at my face, sat there and went through some old pictures and deleted a few.... I just had to get a shot of that image. I feel however that perhaps it's time for a new camera... my Canon 10D has been a loyal companion for quite a few years and has had it's share of falls and scratches but, seems to buckle under pressure lately...

Immediately after I took the shot of the moon, I went straight to the living room as I new the sun would be coming up soon, and I know this has happened on many occasions where the moon is up high and the sun is peaking out, but it felt like a magical moment for me, and I wanted to capture it not only in my mind but on "film" as well... So, I waited, and waited... for the first glimpse of the sun from behind the tall trees in my view... sitting wrapped in a blanket, out on the balcony... waiting... and waiting. So I took a shot anyways, as I realized that I really wanted to go back to bed and didn't think I could wait any longer, and I'm glad I did... because I fell asleep, sitting out there (must have been the fresh air), and awoke only when the sun was pretty high up and didn't have the same effect for a picture.... But still a magical moment...(thanks Gag).

Wanted to share with you all...

love...peace...joy...

boys becoming men

Most friends and family have been calling and e-mailing me just to check up on us, and mostly to see how the boys have been doing.... Well I really have no answer to those questions...
Just like me... the boys seem a bit disoriented, kind of numb really... can't seem to find our place... can't seem to find peace anywhere...
Yes, I have been keeping a close eye on them, talking to them trying to comfort them... but they are not like us adults... they don't necessarily always want to talk about what they are feeling (especially teen boys), so this is a bit of a challenge for me and I don't really want to become a "nag", like Arman says... "mom chillax".... So, I'm trying to "chillax" and give them space and kinda letting it roll...
Today... we had a not so chillaxed moment.... First of all, last week Arman said he didn't want to go to the shop anymore and didn't really have a valid reason... so I thought.... I kinda had a feeling what it might be... as I too am having a hard time spending too much time there myself. And today was supposed to be his first soccer practice, now let me just say that from the start of the summer when it was time to register he expressed that he "didn't want to play this year if dad wasn't coaching", so I didn't register him. But after Gag's passing, one of the coaches suggested that it would be good for him to play and he should do it for dad one last time...

Getting back to today... as he was putting on his soccer gear, mumbling to himself... I asked why he is unhappy... well he finally spoke... and there was no end to both of our tears. "How mom??? how do you want me to go on that field and play that game ... when dad isn't there???? I can't do it... I just can't... please don't make me... it hasn't hit me yet that dad is not around... It's just not fun anymore without him"
This.... this whole new life of ours will take sooooooooooo much time to get used to, and I just want what's best for them... and even I don't know what that is right now.
We all need time, I'm so glad that we got to cry together... talk things through together...
I told him that this is what we need to do to survive this.... to heal... to live.... and even though it really hurts now to look back at the memories... that's what's going to keep us going later.

"Dad was too good mom.... how can I not miss that goodness????"

It hurt... it was difficult... but a step forward nonetheless... my little boys becoming men.

Rob by the way... is ok, he gets sad sometimes, then we hug and he's back to doing what he was doing
I love my boys, without them this would not be a life worth living...

love... peace... joy...

our young poet..

I've prepared a little gift for my nephew Sevak, he is my brother's son and our godchild as well. We were all moved when we learned that he had written a poem for Gagik and were actually all in tears when he recited it at the restaurant where we were having a memorial lunch a week after Gag's burial. It's a short poem but came from his 10 year old heart and I'd like to share it with you all ....

He got his wings
He got his sword
He's sitting up high
Looking down below.

So I've decided to nurture this hidden talent in his bright little mind, and am going to give him a little poem notebook where he can start his poetry. I've written a little inscription on the first page (signed it Nuna.. that's Greek for godmother). I hope that this will give him the inspiration to continue. I guess it is in times of pain and sorrow that some of our hidden talents wake up, I know he was really impacted by all that's happened. I'm actually really glad he was there a few days before (Gag got his wings), as the boys were all gathered by his bedside and Gagik had a few words of love to share, it was a very important moment for the boys and glad that Sevak was part of that moment.

He also got to have another special moment on one of his visits, as Gag gave Sevak a couple of his old watches, his eyes lit up, you could see the excitement on his face... I'm sure he will cherish those forever.

Thank you Sevak for that beautiful heart of yours that could express such words... Gago would be proud. Love you!

nurture those young minds.... they possess gifts we cannot imagine...

love... peace... joy...

# 100

As it turns out.... this is my 100th post....wow we've come a long way since my first one.
This should be something special... so let me ponder a bit and come back to it....

Well... considering why I started this blog in the first place.. I think it only make sense to tell you all what this has meant to me... what I've learned... about life, myself, others.... through this journey.
There are so many thoughts swirling in my mind, it's a bit overwhelming, and I can't seem to express myself the way I want to today....(pressure is on ya?)... so I'm going to keep it simple and just say this...

First and foremost I have learned that being honest with yourself isn't really that hard, and that learning to express yourself freely without the worry of being judged can be very beneficial to ourselves and the ones around us. When I first started writing my thoughts down I didn't really think anyone was reading... and perhaps not too many were, that thought alone helped me really feel free to express. And later on as I had more and more of you tuning in and the feedback for my honesty was so pleasing to hear... well I just didn't hold anything back.
Some people have journals and diaries and that's a great way of getting release and freeing your mind from all the thoughts that reside there and even drive us mad at times, but if you have a bit of courage and want to try out an adventure... I suggest you start blogging.... and it is an adventure, at least it has been for me.

The "blogoshere" .... what can I say about this place.... I found so much comfort in this little world behind the computer screen, at the most difficult chapter in our lives... when at times I felt like the walls were crumbling on my head... there you were... holding me up, giving me hope, courage... teaching me about things that were hard for me to learn on my own. This small network of people I had never met, who knew nothing about me... and yet had the most comforting words to share, so much support, such deep compassion.... I guess there is hope for us humans after all...
I could point out one by one all the people that have been there for me through this tough and rugged road, (as I did here) but.. instead I will just say... thank you.... and that I hope you know how much you have all impacted my life and even got to put a smile on Gag's face that day I read all my posts and comments to him. Having a great family and friends circle has helped tremendously as well, but when you get the same caring and compassion from ones you have never met... well that's just an amazing gift...
It has been a great adventure... and it continues to be one of the things I still look forward to each day...

love... peace... joy...

here's to another 100 or two :)

a tribute

The youth soccer association (AYSO) that Gag (coach Jerry) was involved with for years have posted a tribute on their website. (made me cry). The date of his passing is wrong but it's the thought that counts right? So here it is....


love... peace... joy...

he lives on...

I had put up all the sympathy cards we had received all around Gag's photo that's on the dining table along with a candle that's lit all day. So, this morning I decided to go through and actually read them all. They were all heart warming and had some very genuine wards.... I thank you all.

thought I'd share a poem that is in one of them that I think speaks true to who Gag was....

As Long As Memory Lives
by Helen Steiner Rice
Those we love
never die,
for as long as we live
and remember,
they are with us.
In ways big and small,
your loved one's life
changed our world
and left it a better place
and touched too many hearts
to ever be forgotten.
May you find comfort
in knowing how many people

share you sadness.

This card came from his close friends...
And there were many such cards that stressed how Gag had touched their lives and made their world better.... they came form his clients... soccer refs and coaches... kids he had coached... people he knew very briefly... couples who's wedding he had shot many years ago....

So he lives on... not only in our hearts but in the hearts and lives of so many that he's crossed paths with... that warms my heart

thank you!


love...peace...joy...